I was just recently re-introduced to the “Coined” term The Stockholm Syndrome, for the undying loyalty and even compassion; I had toward my abuser, My Father. I had heard that term passed around quite often in the past and never really thought it applied to my life because I always associated it with the Concentration Camp Prisoners or Prisoners of war. I never really realized it is a Syndrome acquired by also being abused as a child; battered; an incest victim; in a cult or in a controlling or intimidating relationship. But after a conversation with a friend and a recent situation I was involved with, I have come to recognize that it is one of the main reasons I never talked about my abuse to friends or others in a position to help. I had this sick, undying loyalty to my father! I always classified it as the “Survivors Guilt” syndrome in my own mind.
The term, Stockholm Syndrome, was coined to describe the puzzling reactions and emotional interactions of four bank employees who were held captive by two criminals brandishing machine guns. On August 23, 1973, three women and one man were taken hostage in one of the largest banks in Stockholm, Sweden. They were held for six days (131 hours), by two ex-convicts who threatened their lives by strapping them with dynamite and placing them in a vault until they were finally rescued on August 28th!
After their rescue the hostages exhibited a shocking attitude considering what they had just gone through by being threatened, abused and fearing for their own lives. They supported and had compassion on their captors. One woman even later formed a legal defense fund to aid in the criminal defense! Two of the women eventually got engaged to the captors. Those hostages became “Bonded” in a sick emotional sense!
After the Stockholm incident, many journalists, physiologist and social scientists formed research as to whether the emotional bonding between a captor and captives was a "freak" incident or if it was a common occurrence in various oppressive situations. They discovered that it was such a common phenomenon that it deserved a name. Thus, the label, Stockholm Syndrome. In actuality, anyone can acquire the Syndrome if they are involved in situations similar to these:
Concentration Camp Prisoners; Cult Members; Civilians in Chinese Communist Prisons; The Pimp/Prostitute Relationship; Incest Victims; Physically and/or Emotionally Abused Children; Battered Women; Prisoners of War; Victims of Hijackings, and of course, Hostages. The following perceptions of those directly involved as the “Victim” in horrifying situations is a guideline for how the syndrome actually occurs:
• A Perceived threat to survival and the belief that the captor/perpetrator is willing
to act on that threat
• The captive's perception of a small act of kindnesses displayed from the captor
within the context of terror/fear
• Isolation from other perspectives than those of the captor (Influenced by Captor)
• Perceived inability to escape and hopelessness
The “Stockholm Syndrome” is a survival mechanism; those that have acquired it are not raving lunatics! We are people who were placed in life threatening situations where we had to fight for our lives! We had no idea that we were forming this sick bond between the abuser while it was happening! Every syndrome has a list of symptoms or behaviors and the “Stockholm Syndrome” is no exception. The most commonly accepted symptoms are:
• Positive feelings by the victim toward the abuser/controller
• Negative feelings by the victim toward family, friends or authorities trying to
help/rescue them from situation
• Support of the abuser’s reasoning and actions for the situation
• Positive feelings displayed by the abuser toward the victim
• Supportive behaviors by the victim and at times aiding/helping the abuser to escape
• Inability to engage in behaviors that may assist in their release or rescue
I think one of the reason I never classified my loyalty toward my father as the
“Stockholm Syndrome” was because I never thought I was held captive against my will or a prisoner in a terrifying situation. It was my father and I was his daughter in a family nucleus where He was supposed to be my protector; my refuge and source of safety and security. But I believe the most direct reason was that, I never associated the syndrome with my own life. It wasn’t until years later, that I learned I had this “Sick Sense of Loyalty” toward him and that I was held a prisoner against my will in the abuse that I endured!! I really hated him as a child and young teen, I wanted him caught, and I wanted the abuse to stop. I wished him dead so often in my youth! I didn’t know I was subconsciously protecting him. I guess I never fully realized how truly horrible my abuse was because it was at the hands of a true, biological parent until after writing “Shards of Glass”, and hearing all the comments. What others have said is that what makes my story so horrible and gut wrenching is that it was at the hands of a parent. The ONE who was supposed to show unconditional love, provide comfort, offer a safe environment and a person to trust!
I have since forgiven my father of all his crimes. I now sometimes wonder if the
“Stockholm Syndrome” is the direct reason and not the compassion I formed after understanding his own abuse as a child, which has allowed me to forgive him. I wonder now, if my hiding the publishing of my book under a pen name and not sharing my true identity with others is to protect my family or HIM? My mom has co-dependency issues and feels that telling my father I wrote this book would on cause him to “Go Off the deep end”, that it would ruin the only thing he has left, his reputation. Is revealing that I wrote the book going to change the past? I do fear that if he ever gets wind or anyone from my childhood past ever finds out and tells him, that he will try to harm himself. I don’t want that on my hands or conscious. I have been perplexed with this entire situation ever since I started writing the memoir. The only reason I have written under a pen name is to protect HIM! But if I reveal my identity now, will I push my mom away? Am I protecting him in a sick way by hiding behind protecting my family? These are hard questions to answer!
In any case, these issues I believe are all things that every adult survivor of abuse is faced with. We love to protect our abuser! We protect the very person who ultimately destroyed our childhood, who directly contributed to the struggles and hurdles we have had to overcome as adults. The effects of childhood abuse are far reaching and come with many complex issues, emotions and thoughts being carried into the Adult portion of our lives! But in the wise words of one of my favorite philologist and philosophers:
“That which does not kill us, Makes us STONGER!” – Friedrich Nietzsche
"Shards of Glass" By CW Seymore https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Sunday, August 25, 2013
The Effects of Abuse are Far Reaching…Long after the FINAL BLOW!
Just recently I was involved in a serious car accident where I slammed into the back of a semi going 75 mph. He merged into my lane and I did not have time to react. As a result, I totaled my car and was in extreme pain. Later, I was taken to the ER where they did a total body MRI to check for internal damage. I was in severe pain at the time and there was concern about internal bleeding or organ damage.
My mother was in the room with me as we waited for the results and when the doctor came in, he asked my mother to leave the room, I told him no she could stay. That comment bothered and scared me.
The Doctor then asked me if I had been in any prior major accidents, I said “No”, he then asked if I had been abused or a victim of Domestic Violence? I immediately thought to myself, “Why would he be asking me this?” I answered him, that “Yes I had been abused,” not going into detail as to how because my mom was sitting in the room and I did not want to give the doctor the impression that she was the perpetrator. He said, “Well that explains a few things, your joints, neck and back are riddled with arthritis and there are a few broken bones that never healed correctly.” He told me I had the back of an 80 year old. That disturbed me because I am only 44! When he left the room, mom and I talked about the past abuse and how all the physical violence we both endured has contributed to a lifetime of physical and internal pain. She too suffers from chronic pain, arthritis, inner ear arches, and joint issues from a lifetime of abuse. The effects of abuse are felt long after the final blow!
These are just some of the Effects from my childhood abuse. I can crack my neck and back at will, so badly in fact, that others cringe when they hear it. I am often reminded of that skit on Saturday Night Live, where this older gentlemen is getting out of bed and spends several minutes cracking every bone in his body, just to get out of bed, right down to his nose and ear lobes. It is a funny skit but one that is, unfortunately my reality. I have constant fatigue and chronic acute pain. I deal with it rather well, but as I get older I fear that It will get severely worse actually altering my lifestyle. I am a very active person and always on the go. It is a fear I now have after hearing the doctor’s comments on my physical conditions.
Other less obvious effects that have plagued my entire life are:
Fear; Inability to Trust; Low self-esteem; Difficulty with Intimacy; Poor Decision making; Guilt; Depression; Shame; Self –Destructive Behaviors; Suicidal Thoughts; Issues with alcohol. The list actually continues but these are the issues I have had to deal with at some point in my life.
There are numerous factors that contribute to how abuse affects an individual:
The child’s age and developmental status when the abuse or neglect occurred
The type of maltreatment (physical abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, etc.)
The frequency, duration, and severity of the maltreatment
The relationship between the child and the perpetrator
There has been much research done to explore why, given similar conditions, some children experience long-term consequences of abuse and neglect while others emerge relatively unscathed. The ability to cope, and even thrive, following a negative experience is often referred to as “resilience.” I like to think I am a very RESILIENT SURVIVOR! Even though my abuse started at age 4 and continued until I was 19, where I suffered extreme physical, emotional and mental abuse, molestation later and rape I still have tremendous resilience. My perpetrator for all of my abuse except for my Rape, was my father. I was Raped by a stranger when I was 16 years old. I suffered helplessly in coping with my abuse in much of my twenties and started to thrive when I entered my thirties. I sought active counseling and I refused to stay stuck in the past, wallowing in the emotions and paralyzed by depression. I have always been a “High Functioning” survivor and I am very proud of that!
Even through all the pain from my past, if you didn’t know my story--you wouldn’t have known my story! Most of my scars are on the inside. I do have several that are noticeable though, those ones don’t hurt as bad as the internal scars. When I think back over the course of the abuse in my life I feel so much. I have one major regret so far in this life, and that is that I never had children. This does anger and hurt me though, because all the abuse did linger into my adult life and it has robbed me of certain things where I now feel slighted at times, when I think about them.
There were three factors that contributed to not having children; one, I was afraid I would be abusive; two I have never allowed anyone close enough in to ever get to that point; and three because of the Fear of inheriting Huntington’s disease, which there is no chance of now, thank the Lord. Whew! My mom is safe and that now means my sisters and me are too! I have a good friend who has two younger girls that I love and adore. I just recently told her, “I am adopting your children.” Figuratively of course, but if they have a need I want to be there to help fill it. I feel I have missed out on this one important thing in life!
Another area where I feel I was robbed was my inability to trust people and form intimate relationships. I focused so much of my life on healing from the past and relearning destructive, dysfunctional patterns of operating, that the area of relationships has suffered. The fear of Intimacy has always been my “kryptonite.” I am strong in every other area of my life now except for this. It is here where I have little self-esteem; here that I feel my greatest fears of rejection and inadequacy surface, and here, where the last chapter of the past needs to be read and re-written. I have made great strides on re-writing this and believe that it is only a matter of time before I declare to the world, “I am in a HEALTHY, Loving Relationship” or “I AM Getting Married!” A few years ago, if I typed those words a great bolt of panic would have shot through my entire being causing anxiety, panic and fear, but today as I type them, I have a smile on my face and a pleasant expectation of the future with only a mild case of those feelings!
If I think about the past too long I feel anger that I had to waste so much of my adult life on healing and “Getting Well.” I regret that things didn’t come easy for me, that it has been a constant battle! Where my life has been tremendously hard! I sometimes have anger towards my father because he not only robbed me of my childhood, his abuse trickled into my adult life causing a daily fight to behave, act and feel “Normal” in this world. Those things which come “Easy” for others are so very hard for me and if you are reading this, you too are probably an Adult Survivor and you’re shaking your head in agreement right now because we all suffer in some form or fashion with the same issues.
When I start to feel angry over the past and think back on how hard the Journey has been to get to this point I have a choice…To get angry or to get motivated, accepting the past as the cornerstone for who I am now and what I am accomplishing. I have chosen to get motivated, accepting my past as part of my Journey to help others. It is now my responsibility to raise awareness and to help others through their pain, telling others my story and how I healed!
In writing “Shards of Glass” it has been my greatest triumph, the greatest source of healing and the greatest honor in knowing that others are reading my story and gaining hope and healing from it. I just read a comment on facebook, “I admire your Courage.” That courage did not come easy and it has been a lifelong fight. I am thankful for those that read my words and our comforted in knowing that you are not alone and that there is hope and healing from the long reaching effects of childhood abuse!
Please check out my memoir on amazon.com here is the link. http://www.amazon.com/Shards-Glass-CW-Seymore/dp/1483922650/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1376784198&sr=1-1
My mother was in the room with me as we waited for the results and when the doctor came in, he asked my mother to leave the room, I told him no she could stay. That comment bothered and scared me.
The Doctor then asked me if I had been in any prior major accidents, I said “No”, he then asked if I had been abused or a victim of Domestic Violence? I immediately thought to myself, “Why would he be asking me this?” I answered him, that “Yes I had been abused,” not going into detail as to how because my mom was sitting in the room and I did not want to give the doctor the impression that she was the perpetrator. He said, “Well that explains a few things, your joints, neck and back are riddled with arthritis and there are a few broken bones that never healed correctly.” He told me I had the back of an 80 year old. That disturbed me because I am only 44! When he left the room, mom and I talked about the past abuse and how all the physical violence we both endured has contributed to a lifetime of physical and internal pain. She too suffers from chronic pain, arthritis, inner ear arches, and joint issues from a lifetime of abuse. The effects of abuse are felt long after the final blow!
These are just some of the Effects from my childhood abuse. I can crack my neck and back at will, so badly in fact, that others cringe when they hear it. I am often reminded of that skit on Saturday Night Live, where this older gentlemen is getting out of bed and spends several minutes cracking every bone in his body, just to get out of bed, right down to his nose and ear lobes. It is a funny skit but one that is, unfortunately my reality. I have constant fatigue and chronic acute pain. I deal with it rather well, but as I get older I fear that It will get severely worse actually altering my lifestyle. I am a very active person and always on the go. It is a fear I now have after hearing the doctor’s comments on my physical conditions.
Other less obvious effects that have plagued my entire life are:
Fear; Inability to Trust; Low self-esteem; Difficulty with Intimacy; Poor Decision making; Guilt; Depression; Shame; Self –Destructive Behaviors; Suicidal Thoughts; Issues with alcohol. The list actually continues but these are the issues I have had to deal with at some point in my life.
There are numerous factors that contribute to how abuse affects an individual:
The child’s age and developmental status when the abuse or neglect occurred
The type of maltreatment (physical abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, etc.)
The frequency, duration, and severity of the maltreatment
The relationship between the child and the perpetrator
There has been much research done to explore why, given similar conditions, some children experience long-term consequences of abuse and neglect while others emerge relatively unscathed. The ability to cope, and even thrive, following a negative experience is often referred to as “resilience.” I like to think I am a very RESILIENT SURVIVOR! Even though my abuse started at age 4 and continued until I was 19, where I suffered extreme physical, emotional and mental abuse, molestation later and rape I still have tremendous resilience. My perpetrator for all of my abuse except for my Rape, was my father. I was Raped by a stranger when I was 16 years old. I suffered helplessly in coping with my abuse in much of my twenties and started to thrive when I entered my thirties. I sought active counseling and I refused to stay stuck in the past, wallowing in the emotions and paralyzed by depression. I have always been a “High Functioning” survivor and I am very proud of that!
Even through all the pain from my past, if you didn’t know my story--you wouldn’t have known my story! Most of my scars are on the inside. I do have several that are noticeable though, those ones don’t hurt as bad as the internal scars. When I think back over the course of the abuse in my life I feel so much. I have one major regret so far in this life, and that is that I never had children. This does anger and hurt me though, because all the abuse did linger into my adult life and it has robbed me of certain things where I now feel slighted at times, when I think about them.
There were three factors that contributed to not having children; one, I was afraid I would be abusive; two I have never allowed anyone close enough in to ever get to that point; and three because of the Fear of inheriting Huntington’s disease, which there is no chance of now, thank the Lord. Whew! My mom is safe and that now means my sisters and me are too! I have a good friend who has two younger girls that I love and adore. I just recently told her, “I am adopting your children.” Figuratively of course, but if they have a need I want to be there to help fill it. I feel I have missed out on this one important thing in life!
Another area where I feel I was robbed was my inability to trust people and form intimate relationships. I focused so much of my life on healing from the past and relearning destructive, dysfunctional patterns of operating, that the area of relationships has suffered. The fear of Intimacy has always been my “kryptonite.” I am strong in every other area of my life now except for this. It is here where I have little self-esteem; here that I feel my greatest fears of rejection and inadequacy surface, and here, where the last chapter of the past needs to be read and re-written. I have made great strides on re-writing this and believe that it is only a matter of time before I declare to the world, “I am in a HEALTHY, Loving Relationship” or “I AM Getting Married!” A few years ago, if I typed those words a great bolt of panic would have shot through my entire being causing anxiety, panic and fear, but today as I type them, I have a smile on my face and a pleasant expectation of the future with only a mild case of those feelings!
If I think about the past too long I feel anger that I had to waste so much of my adult life on healing and “Getting Well.” I regret that things didn’t come easy for me, that it has been a constant battle! Where my life has been tremendously hard! I sometimes have anger towards my father because he not only robbed me of my childhood, his abuse trickled into my adult life causing a daily fight to behave, act and feel “Normal” in this world. Those things which come “Easy” for others are so very hard for me and if you are reading this, you too are probably an Adult Survivor and you’re shaking your head in agreement right now because we all suffer in some form or fashion with the same issues.
When I start to feel angry over the past and think back on how hard the Journey has been to get to this point I have a choice…To get angry or to get motivated, accepting the past as the cornerstone for who I am now and what I am accomplishing. I have chosen to get motivated, accepting my past as part of my Journey to help others. It is now my responsibility to raise awareness and to help others through their pain, telling others my story and how I healed!
In writing “Shards of Glass” it has been my greatest triumph, the greatest source of healing and the greatest honor in knowing that others are reading my story and gaining hope and healing from it. I just read a comment on facebook, “I admire your Courage.” That courage did not come easy and it has been a lifelong fight. I am thankful for those that read my words and our comforted in knowing that you are not alone and that there is hope and healing from the long reaching effects of childhood abuse!
Please check out my memoir on amazon.com here is the link. http://www.amazon.com/Shards-Glass-CW-Seymore/dp/1483922650/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1376784198&sr=1-1
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Is the Negative Committee Meeting in YOUR Head?
“Tell the Negative committee that meets inside your head to sit down and shut up” – Ann Bradford
I don’t just have a committee. I have an entire Army that wants to sabbotage my thoughts and emotions holding them captive!
I have been really thinking about all the angry, negative, cruel people you meet throughout the day. We live in a very negative society filled with folks who want to lash out at another because of their own pain and misery. It doesn’t take much to “Set” someone off these days. I use to be one of those angry, negative people ready to pounce at a moment’s notice on or at; anyone who I felt rubbed me the wrong way somehow. Whether it be with their attitude, opinions, or even the way they looked at me. I was quick to lash out and try to make another as miserable as I was.
In a conversation with a friend the other day who was feeling down, we got to talking about listening to the negative self-dialogue in our heads. Negative ping pong, is what I like to call it. We talked about how at a moment’s notice we can just feel really down, discouraged and not sure why or what the cause. We talked about our thoughts and how the mind is a very dangerous place to play. It then occurred to me, and I was reminded of that nasty little demon we all have: NEGATIVE SELF-TALK! I have been a dedicated student of this course for years, receiving an “A” and honorable mention in my studies! I am harder on myself than anyone ever needs to be with me. One negative comment sends my thoughts racing back into the past remembering the words of my father. “You’re stupid, fat, ugly and never going to amount to anything.” Those words were yelled and screamed at me almost every day in my childhood, and although I did not know it at the time, I internalized every one of them.
It has been a constant battle within me to see the good, and what I have to offer in this world. That I am not always wrong, and I am not defined by what another thinks or says about me! I have wrestled with feelings of Self-Loathing, Self-Doubt, and poor Self-Esteem. Anything having to do with myself, and how I viewed ME, use to be very “Negative”; leading me down a dangerous path of feeling, “I can never do anything right” or “I am unworthy of anything good.” That kind of thinking sends out the “Memo” to the “Negative Committee” who then, immediately calls a meeting to order to start a discussion!
I have been re-learning to turn the volume down when my “Negative Self” is blaring loudly. If I don’t stop the negative thinking and emotions quickly, my entire being becomes a runaway train headed for a path of destruction. The more I concentrate on the negative self-talk in my head, (usually triggered by daily events, people or circumstances); the harder it is to put those things behind me, and pull myself back out into the realm of Positive thinking. It has been documented that Self-Destruction is one of the 7 basic character flaws. It is a dysfunctional relationship with your personal self. As Adult Survivors we have the tendency to self-destruct and have dysfunction in all our relationships, including the one we have with ourselves!
There are two things that I have learned in defusing the Negative Self-dialogue in my head. These tactics I use to battle this nasty little demon when I am headed down this dangerous and self-destructing road.
One is to embrace my imperfections, as we all have them, forgiving myself of the mistakes I make, both past and present. It is hard for Adult Survivors, were perfectionists in all that we do. Being perfect was ingrained within me at such an early age because if I acted as perfectly as I could in the home, then maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t get abused. So I tried to be as “Good” as I could, and nobody can be perfect, so I often failed, resulting in… all of us who were ever abused know the outcome of that!
Two, the negative ping pong match begins when I start to compare myself with another or their lives, wanting what they have, because I think their life is much easier or better than mine. I have always hated it when someone says “I have a life,” which to me, is insinuating that I don’t! I have learned the hard way that comparing my life or myself to another’s, is a fast-track to depression, and negative thinking. It is then that I am reminded of my dear old friend’s words of wisdom, “If you could choose from anyone else’s life or problems in the entire world what you perceive to be as the perfect life, you would still go back and choose your OWN!” Comparing ourselves is I think one of the chief catalysts for the “Negative Self- talk” battles we have within us. Especially for us Survivors, as we always feel where not good enough, can’t do anything right, everybody is always better. You know the thoughts you have, because I have them too!
Our biggest enemy in everyone’s life, in my opinion is the Negative Dialogue we have within ourselves! We think too much, creating problems that weren’t even there; stirring up emotions we were not feeling; which lead to being negative, depressed and angry to those around us often lashing out! How I pull myself out of all of these situations is training my thoughts, recognizing immediately when my self-talk is active and speaking loudly, and then quickly focusing on what is reality! Not the illusions being played out in my Head. A great analogy of this is when we were kids alone in our beds at night. We would hear sounds or see images, and soon the infamous “Boogie Man” and “Monsters” under the bed scenario would play out. We would get scared and see things that weren’t even there! The more we concentrated on it the more “Real” it became, and in all actually there was NOTHING ever to worry about! We do that as adults, only are Boogie Mans and Monsters are much more real and frightening.
Our mind creates many illusions and if we believe them, we are headed down a miserable path of negativity, and fear; spreading it to others and ultimately throughout the world. We need to learn to forgive ourselves for our shortcomings, not living in the past, or worried about the future, but just focusing on the NOW, the present. When we change our patterns of thinking and self-dialogue our situations, emotions and feelings will follow suit! I try to put circumstances, events, and people into perspective as they occur, dismissing the “what if’s” and the “Wish I’s.” It is then that I Shout to that committee, “Sit down and Shut Up!”
When we live in the past it creates regret and depression; when we live in the future it creates anxiety and fear. We need to live in the present and deal with the situations and events as they come. If you keep paying attention to the darkness you will never see the light! A content happy person is one who is caught up in the present, not thinking about the past or focusing on the future.
Vibrate positive thoughts about your life, yourself and others and together we can make a difference in this world!
“If you’re going to THINK then you might as well think positive. Remember positive thoughts and actions are seeds that will produce positive results.”
I don’t just have a committee. I have an entire Army that wants to sabbotage my thoughts and emotions holding them captive!
I have been really thinking about all the angry, negative, cruel people you meet throughout the day. We live in a very negative society filled with folks who want to lash out at another because of their own pain and misery. It doesn’t take much to “Set” someone off these days. I use to be one of those angry, negative people ready to pounce at a moment’s notice on or at; anyone who I felt rubbed me the wrong way somehow. Whether it be with their attitude, opinions, or even the way they looked at me. I was quick to lash out and try to make another as miserable as I was.
In a conversation with a friend the other day who was feeling down, we got to talking about listening to the negative self-dialogue in our heads. Negative ping pong, is what I like to call it. We talked about how at a moment’s notice we can just feel really down, discouraged and not sure why or what the cause. We talked about our thoughts and how the mind is a very dangerous place to play. It then occurred to me, and I was reminded of that nasty little demon we all have: NEGATIVE SELF-TALK! I have been a dedicated student of this course for years, receiving an “A” and honorable mention in my studies! I am harder on myself than anyone ever needs to be with me. One negative comment sends my thoughts racing back into the past remembering the words of my father. “You’re stupid, fat, ugly and never going to amount to anything.” Those words were yelled and screamed at me almost every day in my childhood, and although I did not know it at the time, I internalized every one of them.
It has been a constant battle within me to see the good, and what I have to offer in this world. That I am not always wrong, and I am not defined by what another thinks or says about me! I have wrestled with feelings of Self-Loathing, Self-Doubt, and poor Self-Esteem. Anything having to do with myself, and how I viewed ME, use to be very “Negative”; leading me down a dangerous path of feeling, “I can never do anything right” or “I am unworthy of anything good.” That kind of thinking sends out the “Memo” to the “Negative Committee” who then, immediately calls a meeting to order to start a discussion!
I have been re-learning to turn the volume down when my “Negative Self” is blaring loudly. If I don’t stop the negative thinking and emotions quickly, my entire being becomes a runaway train headed for a path of destruction. The more I concentrate on the negative self-talk in my head, (usually triggered by daily events, people or circumstances); the harder it is to put those things behind me, and pull myself back out into the realm of Positive thinking. It has been documented that Self-Destruction is one of the 7 basic character flaws. It is a dysfunctional relationship with your personal self. As Adult Survivors we have the tendency to self-destruct and have dysfunction in all our relationships, including the one we have with ourselves!
There are two things that I have learned in defusing the Negative Self-dialogue in my head. These tactics I use to battle this nasty little demon when I am headed down this dangerous and self-destructing road.
One is to embrace my imperfections, as we all have them, forgiving myself of the mistakes I make, both past and present. It is hard for Adult Survivors, were perfectionists in all that we do. Being perfect was ingrained within me at such an early age because if I acted as perfectly as I could in the home, then maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t get abused. So I tried to be as “Good” as I could, and nobody can be perfect, so I often failed, resulting in… all of us who were ever abused know the outcome of that!
Two, the negative ping pong match begins when I start to compare myself with another or their lives, wanting what they have, because I think their life is much easier or better than mine. I have always hated it when someone says “I have a life,” which to me, is insinuating that I don’t! I have learned the hard way that comparing my life or myself to another’s, is a fast-track to depression, and negative thinking. It is then that I am reminded of my dear old friend’s words of wisdom, “If you could choose from anyone else’s life or problems in the entire world what you perceive to be as the perfect life, you would still go back and choose your OWN!” Comparing ourselves is I think one of the chief catalysts for the “Negative Self- talk” battles we have within us. Especially for us Survivors, as we always feel where not good enough, can’t do anything right, everybody is always better. You know the thoughts you have, because I have them too!
Our biggest enemy in everyone’s life, in my opinion is the Negative Dialogue we have within ourselves! We think too much, creating problems that weren’t even there; stirring up emotions we were not feeling; which lead to being negative, depressed and angry to those around us often lashing out! How I pull myself out of all of these situations is training my thoughts, recognizing immediately when my self-talk is active and speaking loudly, and then quickly focusing on what is reality! Not the illusions being played out in my Head. A great analogy of this is when we were kids alone in our beds at night. We would hear sounds or see images, and soon the infamous “Boogie Man” and “Monsters” under the bed scenario would play out. We would get scared and see things that weren’t even there! The more we concentrated on it the more “Real” it became, and in all actually there was NOTHING ever to worry about! We do that as adults, only are Boogie Mans and Monsters are much more real and frightening.
Our mind creates many illusions and if we believe them, we are headed down a miserable path of negativity, and fear; spreading it to others and ultimately throughout the world. We need to learn to forgive ourselves for our shortcomings, not living in the past, or worried about the future, but just focusing on the NOW, the present. When we change our patterns of thinking and self-dialogue our situations, emotions and feelings will follow suit! I try to put circumstances, events, and people into perspective as they occur, dismissing the “what if’s” and the “Wish I’s.” It is then that I Shout to that committee, “Sit down and Shut Up!”
When we live in the past it creates regret and depression; when we live in the future it creates anxiety and fear. We need to live in the present and deal with the situations and events as they come. If you keep paying attention to the darkness you will never see the light! A content happy person is one who is caught up in the present, not thinking about the past or focusing on the future.
Vibrate positive thoughts about your life, yourself and others and together we can make a difference in this world!
“If you’re going to THINK then you might as well think positive. Remember positive thoughts and actions are seeds that will produce positive results.”
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