Monday, January 5, 2015

Forgivenes, Compassion and the Stockholm Syndrome for the Undeserving



“Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and 
expecting the other person to die” - Unknown

I recently posted a video on Facebook of a family gathering over 45 years ago when I was only 4 months old. In that video are the images of my father and mother when they were young and in love. It was before all the violence and brutality, before all the pain.

My Status Update:
“This is a video that I watched years ago. My uncle posted this yesterday. Many in it have since passed away. First time I have seen it in 20 years. That Baby is me! It was both a sweet memory and also a bitter one. My parents are in it and they were so young and my dad so handsome. They seemed in love then and my father was happy. Watching this video just makes me forgive him even more. I love my Father even though he hurt me so bad. I forgive you dad you did what you did because of your own hurt and pain as a child. My parents are the Yellow Outfit (Mom) and the White T shirt, Jeans and Penny Loafers (Father). They are the ones on the teeter totter.”

After posting this I received several comments from folks who have endured similar pain and anguish from violations and abuse.  Comments such as: 

“How can you forgive what he did?”
 
“I could never forgive. I dream of murder and beating him badly.”

You have more strength than I CW Seymore to have that compassionate for him. I respect your choices on how you deal with this. I guess I’m still healing, as I don’t think I could ever do that. I did not let my past a demons negatively affect how I parented and protected my kids. I also have not figured out how to forgive....and frankly I don’t see how that makes me feel better by letting my parents off the hook.”

I responded by explaining that Forgiveness and Compassion did not occur overnight and that it was a process coupled with years of counseling; my faith in the Lord and through Compassion – understanding and feeling his pain from childhood and how he was abused badly himself. He had so much anger and rage from those experiences and Yes I do not condone his behavior and wish my past wasn’t my past. But I see a deeper picture as to why he abused. Could he have controlled it? I believe he could have. Did he? No! But my compassion and forgiveness of him now as an adult has set me free giving me wings to fly and freedom like I have never known. 

Definitions as defined by Webster’s Dictionary:

Compassion: Deep awareness of the suffering of another accompanied by the wish to relieve it. A feeling of distress and pity for the suffering or misfortune of another, often including the desire to alleviate it

Forgiveness: Is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense; let’s go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well. Forgiveness is different from condoning (failing to see the action as wrong and in need of forgiveness), excusing (not holding the offender as responsible for the action), pardoning (granted by a representative of society, such as a judge), and forgetting (removing awareness of the offense from consciousness), and reconciliation (restoration of a relationship).

I have heard others say that the forgiveness of my father is a result of the Stockholm Syndrome.  As a youth yes I did exhibit Stockholm Syndrome tendencies but my forgiveness of my father runs much deeper now. I did have a sick sense of loyalty and protection for my abuser. But has I have matured a Spiritual Awakening and understand occurred in my life. 

For those unfamiliar with the Stockholm Syndrome here is a little background to what it is and how it occurs:

The term, Stockholm Syndrome, was coined to describe the puzzling reactions and emotional interactions of four bank employees who were held captive by two criminals brandishing machine guns. On August 23, 1973, three women and one man were taken hostage in one of the largest banks in Stockholm, Sweden. They were held for six days (131 hours), by two ex-convicts who threatened their lives by strapping them with dynamite and placing them in a vault until they were finally rescued on August 28th!

After their rescue the hostages exhibited a shocking attitude considering what they had just gone through by being threatened, abused and fearing for their own lives. They supported and had compassion on their captors. One woman even later formed a legal defense fund to aid in the criminal defense! Two of the women eventually got engaged to the captors. Those hostages became “Bonded” in a sick emotional sense!
After the Stockholm incident, many journalists, physiologist and social scientists formed research as to whether the emotional bonding between a captor and captives was a "freak" incident or if it was a common occurrence in various oppressive situations. They discovered that it was such a common phenomenon that it deserved a name. Thus, the label, Stockholm Syndrome. In actuality, anyone can acquire the Syndrome if they are involved in situations similar to these:

Concentration Camp Prisoners; Cult Members; Civilians in Chinese Communist Prisons; The Pimp/Prostitute Relationship; Incest Victims; Physically and/or Emotionally Abused Children; Battered Women; Prisoners of War; Victims of Hijackings, and of course, Hostages. The following perceptions of those directly involved as the “Victim” in horrifying situations is a guideline for how the syndrome actually occurs:

• A Perceived threat to survival and the belief that the captor/perpetrator is willing to act on that threat
• The captive's perception of a small act of kindnesses displayed from the captor within the context of terror/fear
• Isolation from other perspectives than those of the captor (Influenced by Captor)
• Perceived inability to escape and hopelessness

The “Stockholm Syndrome” is a survival mechanism; those that have acquired it are not raving lunatics! We are people who were placed in life threatening situations where we had to fight for our lives! We had no idea that we were forming this sick bond between the abuser while it was happening! Every syndrome has a list of symptoms or behaviors and the “Stockholm Syndrome” is no exception. The most commonly accepted symptoms are:

• Positive feelings by the victim toward the abuser/controller
• Negative feelings by the victim toward family, friends or authorities trying to help/rescue them from situation
• Support of the abuser’s reasoning and actions for the situation
• Positive feelings displayed by the abuser toward the victim
• Supportive behaviors by the victim and at times aiding/helping the abuser to escape
• Inability to engage in behaviors that may assist in their release or rescue

Unforgiveness stunts growth and life in you. It poisons your thinking, your emotions and your perceptions. I encourage all survivors of abuse to consider how the unforgiveness in your life has affected it. Trust me on this end it is the most freeing experience in the world. To release the control and have no pain, regret, shame, guilt, anger, rage, sadness, depression, and to have a clear consciousness and walk the road less traveled is a magnificent journey.

As the New Year begins I urge you to take a closer look at the unforgiveness in your life towards your abuser. When you don’t forgive you give power to that person who abused you! You may think that by not forgiving them that you are hurting them. YOUR NOT! You’re only destroying yourself with rage and anger. I know the effects of unforgiveness! I know how it affects every fiber of your being down to the most inwards parts that few see. Where that rage and anger is so pent up that it turns into depression and a downward spiral that is hard to pull yourself out of. I KNOW!! Because I KNOW is the very reason why I am writing my thoughts on this and to you!

To quote Wael Abdelgawad:

 “Forgiveness is not for the weak. Being able to forgive those who have wronged you is a mark of spiritual strength and confidence. When you forgive, you grow, your heart begins to heal, your back straightens up, and your eyes clear so that you can see the road ahead. Anger is a spiritual sickness; but when you forgive you Live!”

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” -Ephesians 4:31-32 NIV

Happy 2015!!

Abuse Author: “Shards of Glass” https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore