Comfortable in Chaos

As an adult survivor of severe physical, mental, and emotional abuse, sexual molestation, and rape, I was constantly subjected, involved or a witness to everyday chaos in my home environment. There was no such thing as “Normal” in my household, and every day was filled with constant anxiety and fear for when the next horrifying event was going to happen. At that time, I did not realize how dysfunctional things were, I did not know that it was odd or strange to have every conversation or interaction end either in a fist fight/beating or a verbal altercation so damaging, it would take the paint off your skin.

What is Normal? Conforming to the standard or the common type, usual, not abnormal; regular, natural .

What is Chaos? The state of utter confusion, lacking any order or organization. -Dictionary.com.

Well, in an odd sense, my childhood was normal; I learned to conform to the standard, common regular traumatic daily events occurring. This was my “Normal” throughout my entire young and teen life. I did not know that these situations were wrong and abusive. I thought all families lived like this, at least when I was younger. I realized by age 10 that my family was severely “Messed Up!”

Every day was spent on guard, waiting for the next damaging or horrific event to occur. I learned to be hyper-vigilant, always in a fight or flight state, always scanning my environment for danger and adopt danger avoiding behaviors. Children who are raised in a physically, emotionally or sexually abusive environment live in a state of chaos. “Walking on Eggshells,” just waiting for the next event. This creates a pervasive fear, a common core belief developed by children in this situation is, “something bad is always going to happen.”


As adult survivors, we learned very early unacceptable ways of communication, coping, reacting, thinking and interacting with others. As most psychologists will concur, what happens during those first years of development has a strong influence later on in life. When children are exposed to adverse situations, such as violence and abuse, the outcomes of that play a significant role later in life and how we react.
In a normal, loving, nurturing environment where the child feels safe, protected and secure they grow up believing they are “Lovable” and that “People can be Trusted” and “The world is a safe place.”

I grew up believing just the opposite, that I am “Unworthy of Love or Good things in my life”; “Nobody can be Trusted”; “The World is a cruel/unsafe place,” and “Something bad is always going to happen!”
We learned our coping skills in a dysfunctional environment and carry them with us into the adult world, where they simply do not work! We have been so “Normal” in functioning in Chaos because it is all we have ever known. We interact with others; react to situations, display anger and outrage in very unacceptable, “Abnormal” ways. We often sabotage any happiness and relationship we do find, or when circumstances and issues in life are going smoothly because the dysfunctionalism is much more familiar, we can cope and deal with crisis better. Sometimes we do this unintentionally. We learned early that hopelessness, and haplessness was how we often felt and how life should be lived-In a constant state of Chaos and agony. I know I feel unworthy at times to have anything “Good” happen in my life. I often feel that I am unworthy of love and acceptance by others.

It is easy for me to reverting back into old patterns of thinking, interacting with friends/loved ones, emotions, and self-destructive actions. I have had to unlearn these negative coping skills that were engrained patterns from my youth. It is a constant daily battle not to let emotional triggers or stressful situations affect my life. My insane coping skills were taught at such a young age that things that are natural and normal to me, others find crazy and weird. When I am emotional and distraught the familiar mechanisms of coping come rushing back into my life and if not recognized immediately, will take hold causing irrational thinking and behaviors to surface. To the average person who did not grow up in chaos, they don’t understand the constant battle adult survivors of abuse suffer from. We seem abnormal and never thankful or content with the good in our lives. We think that at any moment that security can be ripped away, so rather than wait for the inevitable to happen we self-sabotage because the chaos and crisis feels and seems normal to us! We know how to operate, cope and adapt to chaos and crisis environments because it has been all we have ever known. We have no idea, until we have healed, and have learned positive coping skills by putting them in to daily practice, how to function “Normally” in society.

I am learning that I am worthy of “Great” things happening in my life. I am worthy of love, appreciation and value by others. I do not have to live in a constant state of chaos and crisis because it is physically, emotionally and mentally draining. I have learned to cognitively realize that those childhood belief no longer apply in my adult life or environment. I will not sabotage the positive good things in my life and will be surer to enjoy them when they are there. Happiness is not a feeling; it’s a state of mind, where you are content in whatsoever circumstance you’re in. Knowing and trusting that the Lord has “Got This.” I will not create crisis and chaos in my life!

Emotional Neediness

I was recently told by a dear friend that my neediness is sometimes overwhelming and frustrating to deal with. She seemed angry that my interactions or texts with her and others sometimes seem desperate, where I look unsure,unconfident,and helpless. I asked her why this bothered her so much and she said, “Because I don’t want others to see you as this needy helpless person. You should have more pride and respect for yourself.” Her concern was not selfish but spoken to help me see my actions and be a better person and act differently. Since this conversation my Neediness has been on my mind. I am a confident person most of the time but when life circumstances or emotional swings occur all I hear in my head, are these words, yelled at me by my father throughout my entire childhood; “Your fat, stupid, ugly, never going to amount to anything.” Those words, no matter how desperately I try to prove wrong, seem to surface constantly, especially in my interactions with friends. I do have denial and although I pride myself on being a very unselfish person, when it comes to my emotional needs being met I do tend to become very selfish with others at times, especially when I start to panic, and I want them to make me “Feel Better.” It is not my friends, family or anyone else’s responsibility to make ME feel, Loved, Appreciated, Accepted, or Valued. I must! I am the only person who can. These emotional needs stem from my lack of self-esteem, which was shattered, due to my childhood abuse and abandonment. I never see myself as a victim, however these traits are ingrained in the Adult Survivor and unless they are seriously dealt with by a professional and brought to light, the consequences WILL lead to many failed relationships and the loss of important people in your life. My major fear is “Rejection,” and that fear makes my behavior irrational at times. I interpret events or actions by other in the context of this fear. It is then processed and filtered through my anxiety and I quickly start to panic. I am usually unaware that I am being needy with people as these are habits and tendencies ingrained in me from childhood. I then think and act irrationally and become NEEDY! Neediness is a weakness and I know I rely on my friends for much of my support, I always have and especially in high school, they were ALL I had. My family was not where I gained any emotional support or stability. It is where it was torn apart by my father’s extreme abuse. I have taken this pattern into my adult life and until the other day; I have never really had someone hold a mirror in front of myself, causing me to not like what I see regarding my neediness. My friend has mentioned this before, but until the other day I dismissed her comments and continued to be selfish in my needs. I should never let anyone control my worth and happiness. I am the only person, through God’s love and tender healing that can build me up. It is okay for someone to make me happy, but they cannot be my only source. I cannot get angry or upset when they are not around, demanding their time or constant interactions. Those people will soon feel guilty, obligated and eventually they may even become resentful towards you because you are just “Too Much.” Neediness also stems from lack of trust. As an Adult survivor of abuse I have tremendous trust issues and fear that I am not good enough for anyone. I feel that I am always the inferior person in whatever the relationship and I then take on the needy role. I am not a weak person, and in fact many of my friends have said in some form or fashion that, “You are the strongest person I have ever met.” If I am so strong then why am I needy and appear weak? Even though I don’t want to be in denial or make any excuses regarding this, I do carry “baggage” from my less than perfect childhood. I pray my friends; family will understand that I am a work in progress that I am actively pursuing change and to relate on healthy levels of equals with those I hold dear. I am not inferior, I am not weak, and I am not in need of someone else to make me feel better about myself. An analogy I read that has really helped me in gauging my interactions with friends is viewing conversations and interactions with others as a game of Tennis. You initiate contact; you hit the ball into their court and wait for its return. You don’t start to immediately panic, thinking they don’t like you or you’re not important enough for them to respond timely back towards you, when that ball is not hit back directly. They may be very busy, have many obligations, dealing with issues themselves or because, you are bothering them too much, becoming a nuisance, an energy zapper rather than a friend! There are days when we all feel vulnerable and crave encouragement. Where we need to vent our feelings or just need someone to tell us how special and wonderful we are. There is nothing wrong with that. But if we require such affirmations continuously, then those relationships and friendships will soon crumble because people do not like to be so needed by another all the time. I know I don’t like that either and it amazes me that the very thing I really can’t stand about someone else, is within me. Starting today I am actively aware now of my tendencies and will change this destructive pattern. I am growing every day and I am thankful I have true friends who do actually care by sharing with me the truth regarding my unhealthy actions instead of just walking away or bailing on me! I am thankful for my friend who shared this with me not to hurt me but to help me be a better person and friend! I am not helpless!

Abandonment Issues...

I remember one Sunday afternoon all of my family and I piled in the car for an afternoon drive. On occasion, when my father was in a good mood and relatively stable, we would go to the local Ice Cream Parlor and get milkshakes then take a long scenic drive in the country. I look forward to them as it was usually a fun time and I Loved "Milkshakes!" Who Doesn't? On this particular day as we were driving I don't recall exactly what I said or did but my father stops the car on this desolate country road and pushes me out of the car. I immediately think to myself, "This must be a joke or something." It was no Joke! He slams the car door and then continues down the road with my family, leaving me abandoned and all alone on the side of the road. I stand there for what seems like an eternity gazing in the direction my family followed eagerly awaiting to see the car turn back around and come and rescue me. The car was nowhere in sight. I began walking back in the opposite direction as I had an idea as to where this road led. As I was walking I started to panic, tears streamed down my face, my heart was racing and my breathing out of control. I then started a slight jog and then a full blown sprint. Running as fast as my legs would carry me. I don’t recall how long I was on that side of the road, alone and frightened but I do know it was for at least a half an hour. There is a lot of panic and stress that can occur within that time frame. My mother says she pleaded for my father to turn around and so did my siblings. He would not. But eventually, after he assumed I had suffered enough he did come back for me. That scenario and the countless others I endured as a child left me feeling abandoned and not protected by those who were supposed to be my protectors. I do not blame my Mother; she was at the mercy of my father on many occasions. She tried her best to protect and care for us, but she too was a victim of sever Domestic Violence and often was fighting for her life as well. As an adult I have a fear of Abandonment and Rejection that is overwhelming most of the time. I know the emotions and thoughts and I try desperately to take every thought captive to the knowledge and obedience of Jesus Christ, but often I succumb re-creating the experience of being abandoned in my relationships. I am scared of connecting with people on any level for fear they will run away! If the relationship is of great importance to me the greater the risk and more is at stake which then leads me to act unhealthy in the relationship. I try to control them; I am hyper-vigilant for anything they do that appears as withdrawal and constantly seek reassurance that they are not going to leave me. Most people who are unfamiliar with how the effects of child abuse damage the adult with almost every area of relating in relationships, emotions, thoughts, self-esteem and will run! They see our behavior as “Weird” and “Crazy”, when all we are trying to do is ensure that they love us back, care for us and will stand by our side no matter what. I have driven many close friendships and relationships away because of these behaviors. I am learning to live in the present with my Relationships and not look into the future where fear and the unknown reside. I am learning to accept the Relationships/Friendships where they are presently are and not focus on the gamble of them leaving me. It is a hard lesson to learn and I have lost a lot of meaningful people in my life as a result of my fear of Abandonment. It is a never-ending process and one that I have yet to master. It is part of the recovery, part of self-examination. I want desperately to have people who love me in my life, but the fear and rejection is so strong that it is a constant battle. In a few select friendships, I have managed to trust by them proving they are people who will “Stick”. Those successes help me to strive again in trying to build positive Relationships. I want friends/relationships and desperately need them in my life. An amazing quote by C.S. Lewis that I used in my book sums up how I feel regarding people and friendships: “Friendship is unnecessary, like Philosophy, Like Art. It has no survival value; Rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”