Insensitive to Boundaries…Idealization of Another!

I have written before about the importance of boundaries and the insensitivity “US” Adult Survivors, have toward them. It is a seldom talked about topic but one that I must convey again, not only for others, but most importantly for myself!

How I relate and operate is a by-product of my childhood abuse. It should never be an EXCUSE though. To keep repeatedly violating and operating in unhealthy unbalanced ways with others is wrong! I recently, tonight mind you, had a situation brought to my attention by a dear friend AGAIN. This is a dear friend and someone, whom I continually overstep my boundaries with because of my own selfishness, wants, and needs. Do I respect this person? “Absolutely!” If they truly matter to me, then why do I disregard their requests and the affects my actions will have on them? “Because they meet a need that I am so self-absorbed in fulfilling!” They are respecting me and not trying to hurt me! Why can’t I abide within my friends comfort zone? “Because I am needy and selfish and only want to feel better!” Why do they have to keep reminding me over and over again, that I have crossed that imaginary line, which they have so clearly drawn in the sand for me…? >“It is because I am needy and trying to subconsciously, fill that gaping hole!”

I am a sufferer of idealization for the most part. I don’t have all the characteristics but I have a few of them. This was my “Monster” growing up as a child. For those of you unfamiliar with the terminology:

“Idealization it is theory where an individual is unable to integrate difficult feelings, specific defenses are mobilized to overcome what the individual perceives as an unbearable situation. Another defense that helps in this process is called “splitting.” Splitting is the tendency to view events or people as either all bad or all good. When viewing people as all good, the individual is said to be using the defense mechanism “Idealization” which is a mental mechanism in which the person attributes exaggeratedly positive qualities to the self or others. When viewing people as all bad, the individual employs devaluation: attributing exaggeratedly negative qualities to the self or others.

In child development, idealization and devaluation are quite normal. During the childhood development stage, individuals become capable of perceiving others as complex structures, containing both good and bad components. If the development stage is interrupted (by early childhood trauma, for example), these defense mechanisms may persist into adulthood. (Wikipedia).”

In order for me to feel safe as a young child and secure in my frightening world, I applied this psychological defense mechanism known as “Idealization.” Idealization refers to the process of assigning only “positive” attributes to a person no matter what and virtually viewing them as being “all good”. It is basically putting that person on a pedestal an expecting them to meet unrealistic, impossible needs! As children, we naturally idealize our Parents and in reality view them as all good, all knowing, all powerful and absolutely, infallible and incapable of doing any wrong.

Idealization is not just unique to children, as adults, we will often idealize our romantic partners or friends, at least initially, and only see their positive qualities while ignoring the negative ones. Others may point out what they see, but their opinions are quickly discarded. You have heard the saying, “Only a person on the OUTSIDE can see the inside.” However, for children, especially those that have been abused, this process is not an option; it is an essential part of being a child. It ultimately does not last a lifetime because the older the child gets to adolescence, the less idealizing he does toward his parents and the more critical, rebellious, and independent he becomes. I know this is how I developed as a child but yet I still sought our people who could fill that vital role as “Nurturing” person in my life!

“Through the process of idealization, young children set their parents up on a pedestal seeing them as perfect godlike creatures. This makes the child feel safe and secure. Having a godlike creature to protect them means no harm can come to them.” John Bradshaw, M.A.

Instead of setting my parents on pedestals, I set my friends. My parents were infallible, and did not meet my needs! My friends, - they would protect me! Those that showed love, compassion and support were my ultimate heroes’! I could see no wrong with them or in their actions, where others could! I would not listen to them either, having to find out the hard way’ (Which I often did), that that person was “Using Me”; or “They were selfish and not a good friend” or that they were a “Fair Weather friend!” One that enjoys and likes to be around you when things are good, but quickly discards or dismisses you when you are struggling or having difficulties. I would learn the hard way and it would break my heart repeatedly. I sought out in “Friends or Relationships”, that brought into my life that which was lacking in my parents! To feel Loved, Valued, and needed!

As a result of this learned behavior…I have awful…, tremendously awful boundaries! I have amazing boundaries when it comes to me and what I will tolerate and feel comfortable with, but when it comes to others – I am ridiculously selfish! My choices were limited in to whom I could gain love and self-esteem from. I only had my friends and I felt worthless and powerless toward my father, with my mother being, “Emotionally Unavailable!”

As children we are really incapable of blaming our abusive parents and their abuse of power, betrayal and trust and therefore we blame ourselves. I am constantly having to say, “I am sorry”, either to a friend, co-worker or complete stranger. Why must I always be sorry? It is because of guilt and the shame I carry with me from childhood?
I have and emotional wound! At times, I wonder if it will completely heal. I seek after those that fill the void of that wound and repeatedly overstep boundaries trying to fill that void! I am learning, healing and growing in my knowledge to overcome the past corruption that has infiltrated my adult life. I ask for patience, love and compassion as I steer through these treacherous waters.

As I dear, dear friend texted me tonight;

“You do have boundary issues, and I hope one day you won’t, just like, I hope I to not have the issues I face. I guess sometimes we just have to put our old habits aside and give way to new ways of doing things.”

Well said, M.P.! Love you LONG TIME! ;)

"Shards of Glass" CW Seymore https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore

Learning to Hear NO's! I Have Boundary Issues...

As a former athlete and avid sports lover, I am all too familiar with the term Boundaries. I played various sports on a variety of playing fields, all having established boundaries and rules for play. To play outside of those boundaries was to commit a foul, resulting in a penalty in some form or fashion that could lead to a Loss! I understand and respect these boundaries in athletics, why can’t I understand and respect them when it comes to my interpersonal relationships?

I know that Boundary Issues are just one of the many issues we as Adult Survivors of any form of abuse suffer from. How I relate and operate is a by-product of my childhood abuse. It should never be an EXCUSE though, to keep violating and operating in unhealthy unbalanced ways with others! I recently had a situation brought to my attention by a dear friend. This person is someone, whom I continually overstep my boundaries with because of my own selfishness, wants, and needs. Do I respect this person? If they truly matter to me, then why do I disregard their requests and the affects my actions will have on them? They are respecting me and not trying to hurt me! Why can’t I abide within my friends comfort zone? Why do they have to keep reminding me over and over again, that I have crossed that imaginary line, which they have so clearly drawn in the sand for me?

To love and care about another whether it be in a relationship or friendship is to respect one another’s boundaries, thoughts and feelings. To play and operated within their comfort zone, their parameters. Playing outside those lines and not abiding by the rules will eventually lead to a loss! Continually acting in ways another has specifically expressed will lead to the loss of trust; respect not only from the person, but for you as well, equality and eventually, the friendship. In others words, you will lose the game by not following the rules.

My deprivation and abandonment in my youth has impacted me with inappropriate relational issues with others stemming from childhood physical and sexual abuse. I was never respected in my abuse, therefore I don’t ever expect to be respected by another, and in turn I don’t respect them either, when I fail to hear their “NO”, when it comes to their interpersonal boundary and what is comfortable with them.

One of the major effects of childhood physical and sexual abuse is having difficulty setting and maintaining personal boundaries. When a child is violated, there sense of self and others is violated as well. In my childhood I was physically, mentally and sexually abused by the age of five. My Boundaries and were violated so profoundly then, that I never learned them. They were repeatedly violated for the span of 14 years. My feelings were discounted and regarded with disdain. My father never respected my NO, so in turn; I never learned to set any boundaries for myself or learn to respect another person’s NO either.

The survivor of childhood sexual abuse is unable to recognize someone else’s boundaries. We learned early on that being abused is just the way the world IS. Having been denied the right to say NO and set appropriate boundaries for ourselves! I have failed miserably in recognizing another’s. Also, there may be an element of vindictiveness within me, since I had no choice in the matter, why should anyone else have one. Why are they so important? Why do they get to say No? Why?.. Because they matter! Just as you should have mattered at the time of your abuse!

I have never set personal boundaries for myself and I continually fail to respect the personal boundaries of others. I have tremendous difficulty in following the rules! So as an adult Survivor of childhood abuse I have gone through much of my life in a daze, never feeling strongly about anything, except my Faith, Family and Friends. In my personal healing I found that I had a difficult time feeling what I was feeling and recognizing how my selfish actions affected others. This too, is a trait my father displayed and I unconsciously incorporated into my Adult Relational Skills.

I have no clue how to operate within them. Personal boundaries are important in promoting a healthy balance and equality in relationships. They are beneficial in preserving the self apart from others. The other night I acted impulsively, giving no thought as to how my actions would seem to others. I was only looking at myself once again, not looking ahead as to how it would affect my friend and their emotions. Do I respect them? Do I hold what they say and how they feel dear? Does what makes them comfortable matter to me? YES IT DOES!

How long can I expect my friend or anyone else for that matter, to keep being patient, keep ignoring their own boundaries for the sake of me? I have no right to ask and to keep violating that person’s wishes and request. I have been selfish and I have seen the light. I don’t want to lose this game with my friend! I not only don’t want lose this one but any other due to not respecting their boundaries.

Recognizing that you have an issue is always the first step in conquering it. I have recognized this before years ago, but I have fallen into a rut again because of my own selfishness. I am determined to pull myself out though and to gain a deeper understanding as to why I discount another’s personal space. The more tools I have in my tool belt, the more effectively I will conquer yet another demon from the past. I pray my friend will continue to be patient as I prove to them my dedication to getting well from my past, not only for them and preserving the friendship; but for Future, Myself and My life.

I will WIN this Game!