Addictions and Childhood Abuse: Codependency and my Life (Part I)

I know it has been awhile since I wrote my thoughts down for the world to read. I have been confronting internal issues from the past that I have been in denial about and even just recently realized.  As Adult Survivors of abuse there are many issues that we seem to have to overcome on a personal level and daily basis, which the ordinary person can just coast right through and never even considers nor struggle with. On top of emotional and mental struggles most emerge from childhood with, we also develop unhealthy patterns of relating and coping, thus leading to addictions. I am not necessarily referring to drugs, sex, gambling or alcohol.

One of the forgotten and actually relatively new terms that have only surfaced in the last 10 - 15 years in the mental health field is “Co-Dependency.” This is my preferred drug of choice. It is in a sense, an Addiction to People. Specifically those that hold your Self-worth and Esteem in their hands.

For those of you unfamiliar with the term the official/original Webster’s Dictionary term describe Co-Dependency as:

“An extreme dependency by one person on another who is suffering from an addiction. Common characteristics include low self-esteem coupled with a high need for approval. Not a formal psychiatric diagnosis, codependency is a psychological syndrome noted in relatives or partners of alcoholics or substance abusers.”

Although this is the original definition; the term “Co-Dependency” has grown to mean so much more. This was coined by therapists in the 1970’s but little was really known about the condition. They observed that most alcoholics shared a consistent set of behaviors. As family members began to seek treatment they also observed that the family members involved with the alcoholic displayed predictable patterns of behaviors as well. Since much research and studying of the condition the definition has since broadened to include many characteristic that are not always attributed to taking care of a person or living with an addict. It has also been concluded that those suffering from Co-Dependency came from dysfunctional or abusive childhood environments.

Several groups have been formed to help people with many types of problems and addictions. Al-Anon groups were formed in the early 1950”s to address family members in need of support from the effects of living with a person who was deemed an alcoholic.

 Al-Anon is:

"A worldwide fellowship that offers a program of recovery for the families and friends of alcoholics, whether or not the alcoholic recognizes the existence of a drinking problem or seeks help."

Al-Anon groups were addressing the condition known as Co-Dependency long before the term was even developed or recongnized in the mental health arena. The more broadened definition has now come to include the following traits:

·         Feel responsible for others’ behavior; a warped sense of responsibility

·         Need to be needed

·         Givers and people pleasers

·         Fear of rejection and abandonment and try to control them

·         Expect others to make us happy or define our worth

·         Can be demanding or indecisive

·         Can be attentive and caring or selfish and cruel

·         See people and situations as wonderful or awful – one extreme to the other

·         Seek affirmation and attention or sulk and hide

·         Believe they are perceptive, (and are usually), but can’t often see the reality in their own lives

·         See others as either “for us” or “against us”

·         Use self-pity and or anger to manipulate others

·         Communicate contrasting messages, like “I need you, I hate you”

·         Don’t say what they mean and don’t mean what they say

·         Repent deeply but commit the same sins again and again

·         Compulsive fixers and rescuers who are so tied into another’s life and behavior that they lose
           their identity

·         Their whole vane of existence is tied into another’s person’s approval and value of them.

 

I have many of the Co-Dependent behavioral traits listed above. I displayed these traits at the age of 5 when I entered kindergarten and they are now destroying my adult life. Codependency is a compulsion to control and rescue people by trying to fix their problems. It occurs in the lives of people whose need for love and security has gone unmet.  I don’t know about you but every survivor of childhood abuse I have ever encountered has had many needs unmet but most importantly the need for safety, security and love. These needs are essential for a child to grow up feeling valued and appreciated. The Co-Dependent grows up feeling that they need to please or help others and even then, they may not be loved and accepted like they desire.

Co-Dependency is an addiction! It is an addiction to people to somehow and in any way they can, meet these needs through another person. You can become Co-Dependent on:

·         A Spouse

·         Boyfriend/Girlfriend

·         Parent

·         Child

·         Friend

·         Co-Worker
 

It is a dysfunctional way of relating to others and a dysfunction way we see ourselves. It stems from the emptiness inside to have filled. It is a void which should have been filled by our parents in a loving and nurturing environment, but one that is often left empty in house of brutality, cruelty and neglect.

The encouraging news is that this addiction CAN be Broken! Conquering Co-Dependency is much like conquering any addiction. It is said to be one of the hardest addictions to break.  I lost a lot of hope when I first heard this. I have been battling my entire life and now I have this tremendous obstacle to overcome?!

Fighting Co-Dependency is a process. It is a process of retraining and rewiring our thinking and thoughts about ourselves and reality. There are many groups and tools that you can use to conquer this demon. It is much the same as any 12 Step program in fighting any addiction. There is much inward discovery that needs to take place, dealt with and then healed. I will be submitting more on my process to overcome this gruesome addiction in the days to come. I will leave you with this powerful quote by The Buddha:

“The root of suffering is attachment.”

Abuse Author: “Shards of Glass” https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore

Insensitive to Boundaries…Idealization of Another!

I have written before about the importance of boundaries and the insensitivity “US” Adult Survivors, have toward them. It is a seldom talked about topic but one that I must convey again, not only for others, but most importantly for myself!

How I relate and operate is a by-product of my childhood abuse. It should never be an EXCUSE though. To keep repeatedly violating and operating in unhealthy unbalanced ways with others is wrong! I recently, tonight mind you, had a situation brought to my attention by a dear friend AGAIN. This is a dear friend and someone, whom I continually overstep my boundaries with because of my own selfishness, wants, and needs. Do I respect this person? “Absolutely!” If they truly matter to me, then why do I disregard their requests and the affects my actions will have on them? “Because they meet a need that I am so self-absorbed in fulfilling!” They are respecting me and not trying to hurt me! Why can’t I abide within my friends comfort zone? “Because I am needy and selfish and only want to feel better!” Why do they have to keep reminding me over and over again, that I have crossed that imaginary line, which they have so clearly drawn in the sand for me…? >“It is because I am needy and trying to subconsciously, fill that gaping hole!”

I am a sufferer of idealization for the most part. I don’t have all the characteristics but I have a few of them. This was my “Monster” growing up as a child. For those of you unfamiliar with the terminology:

“Idealization it is theory where an individual is unable to integrate difficult feelings, specific defenses are mobilized to overcome what the individual perceives as an unbearable situation. Another defense that helps in this process is called “splitting.” Splitting is the tendency to view events or people as either all bad or all good. When viewing people as all good, the individual is said to be using the defense mechanism “Idealization” which is a mental mechanism in which the person attributes exaggeratedly positive qualities to the self or others. When viewing people as all bad, the individual employs devaluation: attributing exaggeratedly negative qualities to the self or others.

In child development, idealization and devaluation are quite normal. During the childhood development stage, individuals become capable of perceiving others as complex structures, containing both good and bad components. If the development stage is interrupted (by early childhood trauma, for example), these defense mechanisms may persist into adulthood. (Wikipedia).”

In order for me to feel safe as a young child and secure in my frightening world, I applied this psychological defense mechanism known as “Idealization.” Idealization refers to the process of assigning only “positive” attributes to a person no matter what and virtually viewing them as being “all good”. It is basically putting that person on a pedestal an expecting them to meet unrealistic, impossible needs! As children, we naturally idealize our Parents and in reality view them as all good, all knowing, all powerful and absolutely, infallible and incapable of doing any wrong.

Idealization is not just unique to children, as adults, we will often idealize our romantic partners or friends, at least initially, and only see their positive qualities while ignoring the negative ones. Others may point out what they see, but their opinions are quickly discarded. You have heard the saying, “Only a person on the OUTSIDE can see the inside.” However, for children, especially those that have been abused, this process is not an option; it is an essential part of being a child. It ultimately does not last a lifetime because the older the child gets to adolescence, the less idealizing he does toward his parents and the more critical, rebellious, and independent he becomes. I know this is how I developed as a child but yet I still sought our people who could fill that vital role as “Nurturing” person in my life!

“Through the process of idealization, young children set their parents up on a pedestal seeing them as perfect godlike creatures. This makes the child feel safe and secure. Having a godlike creature to protect them means no harm can come to them.” John Bradshaw, M.A.

Instead of setting my parents on pedestals, I set my friends. My parents were infallible, and did not meet my needs! My friends, - they would protect me! Those that showed love, compassion and support were my ultimate heroes’! I could see no wrong with them or in their actions, where others could! I would not listen to them either, having to find out the hard way’ (Which I often did), that that person was “Using Me”; or “They were selfish and not a good friend” or that they were a “Fair Weather friend!” One that enjoys and likes to be around you when things are good, but quickly discards or dismisses you when you are struggling or having difficulties. I would learn the hard way and it would break my heart repeatedly. I sought out in “Friends or Relationships”, that brought into my life that which was lacking in my parents! To feel Loved, Valued, and needed!

As a result of this learned behavior…I have awful…, tremendously awful boundaries! I have amazing boundaries when it comes to me and what I will tolerate and feel comfortable with, but when it comes to others – I am ridiculously selfish! My choices were limited in to whom I could gain love and self-esteem from. I only had my friends and I felt worthless and powerless toward my father, with my mother being, “Emotionally Unavailable!”

As children we are really incapable of blaming our abusive parents and their abuse of power, betrayal and trust and therefore we blame ourselves. I am constantly having to say, “I am sorry”, either to a friend, co-worker or complete stranger. Why must I always be sorry? It is because of guilt and the shame I carry with me from childhood?
I have and emotional wound! At times, I wonder if it will completely heal. I seek after those that fill the void of that wound and repeatedly overstep boundaries trying to fill that void! I am learning, healing and growing in my knowledge to overcome the past corruption that has infiltrated my adult life. I ask for patience, love and compassion as I steer through these treacherous waters.

As I dear, dear friend texted me tonight;

“You do have boundary issues, and I hope one day you won’t, just like, I hope I to not have the issues I face. I guess sometimes we just have to put our old habits aside and give way to new ways of doing things.”

Well said, M.P.! Love you LONG TIME! ;)

"Shards of Glass" CW Seymore https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore

The Effects of Abuse are Far Reaching…Long after the FINAL BLOW!

Just recently I was involved in a serious car accident where I slammed into the back of a semi going 75 mph. He merged into my lane and I did not have time to react. As a result, I totaled my car and was in extreme pain. Later, I was taken to the ER where they did a total body MRI to check for internal damage. I was in severe pain at the time and there was concern about internal bleeding or organ damage.

My mother was in the room with me as we waited for the results and when the doctor came in, he asked my mother to leave the room, I told him no she could stay. That comment bothered and scared me.

The Doctor then asked me if I had been in any prior major accidents, I said “No”, he then asked if I had been abused or a victim of Domestic Violence? I immediately thought to myself, “Why would he be asking me this?” I answered him, that “Yes I had been abused,” not going into detail as to how because my mom was sitting in the room and I did not want to give the doctor the impression that she was the perpetrator. He said, “Well that explains a few things, your joints, neck and back are riddled with arthritis and there are a few broken bones that never healed correctly.” He told me I had the back of an 80 year old. That disturbed me because I am only 44! When he left the room, mom and I talked about the past abuse and how all the physical violence we both endured has contributed to a lifetime of physical and internal pain. She too suffers from chronic pain, arthritis, inner ear arches, and joint issues from a lifetime of abuse. The effects of abuse are felt long after the final blow!

These are just some of the Effects from my childhood abuse. I can crack my neck and back at will, so badly in fact, that others cringe when they hear it. I am often reminded of that skit on Saturday Night Live, where this older gentlemen is getting out of bed and spends several minutes cracking every bone in his body, just to get out of bed, right down to his nose and ear lobes. It is a funny skit but one that is, unfortunately my reality. I have constant fatigue and chronic acute pain. I deal with it rather well, but as I get older I fear that It will get severely worse actually altering my lifestyle. I am a very active person and always on the go. It is a fear I now have after hearing the doctor’s comments on my physical conditions.

Other less obvious effects that have plagued my entire life are:

Fear; Inability to Trust; Low self-esteem; Difficulty with Intimacy; Poor Decision making; Guilt; Depression; Shame; Self –Destructive Behaviors; Suicidal Thoughts; Issues with alcohol. The list actually continues but these are the issues I have had to deal with at some point in my life.

There are numerous factors that contribute to how abuse affects an individual:

The child’s age and developmental status when the abuse or neglect occurred
The type of maltreatment (physical abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, etc.)
The frequency, duration, and severity of the maltreatment
The relationship between the child and the perpetrator

There has been much research done to explore why, given similar conditions, some children experience long-term consequences of abuse and neglect while others emerge relatively unscathed. The ability to cope, and even thrive, following a negative experience is often referred to as “resilience.” I like to think I am a very RESILIENT SURVIVOR! Even though my abuse started at age 4 and continued until I was 19, where I suffered extreme physical, emotional and mental abuse, molestation later and rape I still have tremendous resilience. My perpetrator for all of my abuse except for my Rape, was my father. I was Raped by a stranger when I was 16 years old. I suffered helplessly in coping with my abuse in much of my twenties and started to thrive when I entered my thirties. I sought active counseling and I refused to stay stuck in the past, wallowing in the emotions and paralyzed by depression. I have always been a “High Functioning” survivor and I am very proud of that!

Even through all the pain from my past, if you didn’t know my story--you wouldn’t have known my story! Most of my scars are on the inside. I do have several that are noticeable though, those ones don’t hurt as bad as the internal scars. When I think back over the course of the abuse in my life I feel so much. I have one major regret so far in this life, and that is that I never had children. This does anger and hurt me though, because all the abuse did linger into my adult life and it has robbed me of certain things where I now feel slighted at times, when I think about them.

There were three factors that contributed to not having children; one, I was afraid I would be abusive; two I have never allowed anyone close enough in to ever get to that point; and three because of the Fear of inheriting Huntington’s disease, which there is no chance of now, thank the Lord. Whew! My mom is safe and that now means my sisters and me are too! I have a good friend who has two younger girls that I love and adore. I just recently told her, “I am adopting your children.” Figuratively of course, but if they have a need I want to be there to help fill it. I feel I have missed out on this one important thing in life!

Another area where I feel I was robbed was my inability to trust people and form intimate relationships. I focused so much of my life on healing from the past and relearning destructive, dysfunctional patterns of operating, that the area of relationships has suffered. The fear of Intimacy has always been my “kryptonite.” I am strong in every other area of my life now except for this. It is here where I have little self-esteem; here that I feel my greatest fears of rejection and inadequacy surface, and here, where the last chapter of the past needs to be read and re-written. I have made great strides on re-writing this and believe that it is only a matter of time before I declare to the world, “I am in a HEALTHY, Loving Relationship” or “I AM Getting Married!” A few years ago, if I typed those words a great bolt of panic would have shot through my entire being causing anxiety, panic and fear, but today as I type them, I have a smile on my face and a pleasant expectation of the future with only a mild case of those feelings!

If I think about the past too long I feel anger that I had to waste so much of my adult life on healing and “Getting Well.” I regret that things didn’t come easy for me, that it has been a constant battle! Where my life has been tremendously hard! I sometimes have anger towards my father because he not only robbed me of my childhood, his abuse trickled into my adult life causing a daily fight to behave, act and feel “Normal” in this world. Those things which come “Easy” for others are so very hard for me and if you are reading this, you too are probably an Adult Survivor and you’re shaking your head in agreement right now because we all suffer in some form or fashion with the same issues.

When I start to feel angry over the past and think back on how hard the Journey has been to get to this point I have a choice…To get angry or to get motivated, accepting the past as the cornerstone for who I am now and what I am accomplishing. I have chosen to get motivated, accepting my past as part of my Journey to help others. It is now my responsibility to raise awareness and to help others through their pain, telling others my story and how I healed!

In writing “Shards of Glass” it has been my greatest triumph, the greatest source of healing and the greatest honor in knowing that others are reading my story and gaining hope and healing from it. I just read a comment on facebook, “I admire your Courage.” That courage did not come easy and it has been a lifelong fight. I am thankful for those that read my words and our comforted in knowing that you are not alone and that there is hope and healing from the long reaching effects of childhood abuse!

Please check out my memoir on amazon.com here is the link. http://www.amazon.com/Shards-Glass-CW-Seymore/dp/1483922650/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1376784198&sr=1-1