Addictions and Childhood Abuse: Codependency Recovery. Final Chapter!

“The people who are meant to be in your life are the ones who know
how to gently wait for you to heal.”

Two days after my suicide attempt Penelope agreed to meet Stephen and I for lunch so that I could share with her what I had come to realize a month prior before our friendship disintegrated. This was a huge move for Penelope because she was afraid of me at that point and her family wanted her to not go. She told her family that this was between her and me and to stay out of it.

When Stephen and I were waiting for Penelope to arrive, my emotions were running wild. I was a nervous wreck to say the least. I was still recovering from the overdose and I was shaky and exhausted. As she approached my heart raced. We all made small talk for a few and then Stephen started off the conversation. Penelope was visibly defensive and had all her walls up. I started to share with her about all the people from my past, including my aunt who I had become Co-Dependent on throughout my life. Co-Dependency had left a trail of broken and severed friendships and heartache. As I shared with her from the deepest parts of me I was completely honest, even admitting things that were embarrassing and troubling to share. Tears instantly filled my eyes and before long I was shaking and in shock from the trauma of the past few days. While I shared and Stephen interjected thoughts and clarifications, Penelope’s walls began coming down. She was concerned but in her eyes were compassion, tenderness and love that years of friendship had instilled within us both. 

As the conversation ended it was agreed that I would check myself in to a facility to get help by the end of the week or else they were both going to “baker act” me. When we were leaving the restaurant we stopped and she gave Stephen a hug and then something very touching happened. I asked Penelope if I could give her a hug, (In my mind I thought it was the last time I would ever hug or see her again).  She immediately opened up her arms and we hugged for many moments face to face as I whispered in her ear that I was so very sorry and that I was humbled and thankful that she forgave me even though it was undeserving.  

  

Stephen and I then stayed and talked and he pointed out that the conversation was very positive and that Penelope gave every indication that she cared, supportive and that the door was open after I sought help and learned about the disease and she saw a visibly new CW in relating and actions. He also stated that someone who wants nothing to do with you anymore would not hug me as she did. He said it was very loving and touching. 

That Sunday I checked myself into a facility and started on my journey to face my demon and committed to conquering Co-Dependency. Before I was admitted I texted Penelope this quote:

“The people who are meant to be in your life are the ones 

who know how to gently wait for you to heal.”

She immediately texted back that she would be thinking and praying for me daily and that she knew I could overcome this and start living a healthy, fulfilling life. 

I vowed once again that she would be the last Co-Dependency friendship I would ever have. As I have said before, codependents take life and relationships/friendships very seriously!  All of my struggles even this entire story stems from my childhood abuse and trauma. The cycle needs to be broken!

A dysfunctional family creates threatening situations-people out of control, angry explosions, no one and nothing on which to rely. We deny our hurt and anger. We deny our right to feel. Co-Dependence is a specific pattern of personality traits that are characterized by loss of self-identity, over-involvement with others as a means of establishing self-identity, and excessive care-taking behavior that results in a lack of self-care. We can tackle our Addictions only if we sense some compassion from somebody. Another wise educator says: 

“Only when compassion is present will people allow themselves to see the truth.” 

Co-Dependence is all about having a dysfunctional relationship with self: with our own bodies, minds, emotions, and spirits; with our own gender and sexuality; with being human. Because we have dysfunctional relationships internally we have dysfunctional relationships externally. Because we cannot be emotionally honest with ourselves we aren’t really being totally honest with anyone ever. Understanding codependency is vital in helping us to forgive our self for the dysfunctional ways we have lived our lives – it is not our fault we are codependent. Codependency causes us to feel like the victim of our own thoughts and feelings, and like our own worst enemy – recovery helps us to start learning how to be our own best friend.  Getting into codependency recovery is an act of love for self. Until we go back and heal our childhood emotional wounds we cannot successfully change the old tapes – we cannot achieve a healthy, emotionally honest relationship with ourselves and others.

I use to believe that my friendship with Penelope was good but that all the problems were entirely a result of me and my hang-ups. That was fantasy thinking - an illusion. Codependent Reflexes in action! Since Penelope and I have disconnected, I have come to realize that it is just as much her fault as it was mine. It was not all MY FAULT and unless she takes responsibility for her role and works on the friendship to create balance there can never and will never be a close friendship again. I cannot and will not go down that same road ever again with her. It was just too painful. I am learning to Identify with my feelings and actions then Detach, by analyzing and disconnecting from it and seeking out healthy positive behaviors and then decide based on objective reality what action I must take in a healthy direction. I will no longer live in the Condemnation, Shame and Guilt that Co-Dependency produces. I will no longer let anyone own me again! As Ali ibn abi Talib quotes:

“Detachment is not that you should own nothing. 

But that nothing should own you.”

I have prayed constantly through desperation, tears and on my knees for healing for my condition. I have prayed relentlessly for restoration with Penelope. Since that time the Lord has blessed me with many women from the church who encourage, inspire and love me no matter what and despite my flaws. They are sticking by me with warmth, compassion and unending prayer. They have helped heal my soul and the deepest parts of my pain. One friend in particular reached out to me when I needed a friend the most. She knows all about my struggles of the past with Co-Dependency and with Penelope. I was advised by my counselor not to engage in a new friendship until I was recovered. But when I share with them about Donna whom they knew they were encouraging and told me that this was the precise friend God has placed in my life to propel me into complete and total healing and that she was a “Safe Person.”

Donna is a safe friend who loves the Lord and in turn loves me unconditionally with all my faults and through all my pain! She has much compassion and patience and is willing to walk with me through Co-Dependency into a realm of healthy friendships and relating and for that I am eternally grateful to the Lord and to her. I have been honest with her about my tendencies and patterns and she in turn, has been dedicated in helping me identify and talk through our difficulties. She will not abandon me when the going gets tough, she will STICK and communicate and will not throw me away! Donna will be the start of healthy relating and healthy friendship that loves and gives equally.  This dear woman of 6 boys holds the title for being the first healthy friendship since my realization of Co-Dependency. She is a gift sent from heaven above! I am eternally thankful for her and the blessing from above to show me what TRUE, GODLY friendship is!

I will always have a deep and unending love for Penelope! I will always think fondly of her and with a smile on my face. I will also hope that one day we can reconnect on healthy ground as equals. But in order for that she must see the role she played in our friendship and the dysfunctionalism she brought into it. I am not asking for an apology but it would be healing for me on a deep level.

I have recovered more than I ever thought I would in the past four months. It has not been easy. It has been tremendously difficult. I have found meaning through my suffering not just with Co-Dependency but with the past trauma and abuse I suffered. There is life after Co-Dependency! I will say that again: 

THERE IS LIFE AFTER CO-DEPENDENCY!

For the first time in my life I am FREE! I am Feeling blessed and deeply gracious and humbled to the God who Restores and heals. To my JEHOVAH-RAPHA (THE LORD OUR HEALER), thank you for hearing my cries and delivering me.

As tribute:

“To the most honest person I have ever known, with an innocence and playful spirit that is so very contagious. Through my pain, you embraced friendship, and without your brutal honesty and inquisitiveness, none of this would have been possible. You are an “Old Soul” and my Inspiration and Truth! I will love and cherish you forever Penelope and hope that our friendship can be restored to a new and healthy friendship, none like we have ever known.”

I wish you all a Blessed Christmas and a hopeful and inspiring New Year!

“To live is to Suffer, to Survive is to find some Meaning In the Suffering.”    - Friedrich Nietzsche

Abuse Author: “Shards of Glass” https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore

Addictions and Childhood Abuse: Codependency and Friendships (Part III)

“Were only as sick as our Secrets...”

When I moved to Florida from Ohio it was scary and a major culture shock! It had only been 6 months since my brother’s death and I was dead inside. I am not normally a jittery or afraid person but I was then. Traffic, the night, loud noises, almost everything kept me on guard. I was panicky and in foreign territory. I found a part time job quickly to stay on my feet and then my life slowly started to begin again. In that time, I met a family and they adopted me into theirs and the pain of loneliness subsided some. I gained a surrogate mother in this family but one that I did not become co-dependent on, entirely. It was different and I was still in a complete daze from the loss of my brother. She is 20 years older than me, a caretaker and very loving and giving.  We did have our difficulties soon after forming our friendship and it was due to that “Monster” that was still inside of me even after moving 1500 miles… - IT FOLLOWED ME once again! My friend and I DID and have managed to keep our friendship strong despite a bumpy road the first few years.

That is how all my “Co-Dependent” friendships started out as an adult.  At first they were great and I was myself, fun, uninhibited, full of confidence, filled with a sense of humor, and had no expectations. I was separate in the beginning.  It was the warm and fuzzy feeling of a new person in my life. The friendship would be “Normal” and then all the sudden that person would do or say something, or I would do something and the friendship would respond in a way that would set in motion my Co-Dependent patterns and tendencies. Soon after, I would display actions and behaviors that at the time I couldn’t explain nor control.  

Something would change in the dynamics of the friendship and I did not know what it was. Secretly, inside I would always think: “Am I gay or something?” I would always question: “Why do I get so attached to women and not men?” “What the Hell is wrong with me?” Deep down though, I knew I was not a “Lesbian!” I never felt in love with them, but I did Love them. The women friendships in my life would meet a “Need” and “Void” of love, acceptance, compassion and tenderness that I never received as a child! (It has only been in the last 6 months that I have come to realize my disease). It was an “EMOTIONAL” connection that was formed! It was NEVER a physical one! It would appear on the outside to be one of unselfishness, giving, self-sacrifice, loyalty and love but all along it would be one of selfishness and control destroying me on the inside and disabling the friendship, shaking its very foundation. 

That person would then become distant; Arguments, Control, Selfishness and Manipulation would set in; and eventually the friendship would dissolve, (Especially in my youth). As an adult, all of my most meaningful friendships rebounded and I leveled out in relating to them. This was only because I would secretly, unbeknownst to me, be searching for my next “Fix” so to speak, and the pressure would soon be off the current friend and on to another. The real reason would never be addressed and the sickness would continue. Co-dependency is an ADDICTION!

Addictions are caused by pain! It is ALWAYS about pain!

I ran from my pain my entire life! I am a wounded soul and as a wounded soul I was looking for relief from that pain and unconsciously sought out distractions or a means to cope, usually resulting in some form of addiction. There are many things to become addicted to; Work, Drugs, Alcohol, Tobacco, Food, Sex, Spending, Shopping, Appearance, Internet, Video Games, Gambling and Relationships. Just to name a few. We live in a society that one way or the other is always about quick relief, satisfaction, selfishness and distraction. 

Keith Richards – Guitarist for the Rolling Stones said this when speaking about his heroin and cocaine addiction:“All the contortions we go through just not to be ourselves for a few hours.”

I did not know it at the time but I would soon find out that:

“I have been trying NOT to be myself,running from my past, 

not just for a few hours but for my entire life!”

You can’t escape something that is buried deep down inside and especially if you don’t even know it exist! Most Co-Dependents cannot identify their feelings. We keep them tucked down in an impenetrable vault. Recovery is part of feeling and accepting those feelings.  Life events and relationships affect Co-Dependents deeply. I was about to meet a friend who would affect me very deeply on many different levels and one whom I would become the most Co-Dependent on in my life! I was about to be addicted to this friendship in more ways than I could have ever imagine and dare admit. The next few years after moving to Florida would truly be far worse pain than even losing my brother; Unmanageable pain than even that inflicted in my childhood. This pain would be so deep, so controlling, so debilitating that it would send me spiraling down an abyss in which I almost did not emerge!

So the story continues:

About two years after moving to Florida I met my dear friend, I shall call her “Penelope.” When I first met her I did not enjoy her much at all! I thought she was shallow, snippy, cocky and very immature. I felt we had nothing in common and she was just too young for me to even begin to relate to, she was 14 years my junior and I was 36! I felt there was nothing that I could possibly learn from her. I tolerated her because of work and went on about my business for a few months. 

Not soon afterwards Penelope had a death in her family. It was her grandfather and when I heard the news, for some reason my heart just had so much compassion and ached for what she must be feeling. I empathized and sympathized, I knew that pain, especially after just losing my brother a year before. Something compelled me to text her and then call her. I believe it was a “Divine Appointment.” Before that, I had, had no intentions or desire for friendship other than a working one. I did not pick her! We had a short but heart-felt conversation and I told her I was there for her and that I knew her pain. After I hung up, I remembered thinking that I had so much compassion for her and I was compelled to help her through this loss. Days after that, I found myself thinking about her and praying for her. 

When she returned to work I decided that I would reach out to her and I bought a little plague with something inspirational on it and a cup of McDonald’s Mocha Iced Coffee and set it on her desk at work. After that we would talk on the phone and hang out quite often. She was filling a hole of loneliness and friendship that I was so desperately trying to fill. Our friendship was fun and exciting. We would have long talks about deep subjects, sharing about our lives, fears, hopes and dreams. She had an excellent sense of humor and is a real deep thinker. I was so wrong on my earlier assessment of her being shallow, she was actually an “Old Soul” and I told her that on several occasions. 

Her birthday was in a few weeks and in previous conversations I had remembered that she really wanted to go to the “Rascal Flatts” concert.  I thought, “That’s it. That would be the perfect gift for her.” I felt that this could really lift her spirits. So I bought the tickets and a card and went over to her office to surprise her. (I should point out: I always gave me friend’s gifts. There is nothing wrong with that but this is where our friendship started to take a turn towards my “Monster – Co-Dependency,” however it would not be until 5 years later that I would understand and recognize this). 

When I handed her the card and she opened it, tears came to her eyes and she said: “I have never had a friend or anyone do anything like this ever for me. Can I give you a hug?”  This was an unexpected reaction and one that warmed my heart to the very core. I had done something for someone and they “APPRECIATED” it and then showed me love and compassion by giving me a hug! Something I hardly ever have received throughout life and even now. That was it! After that instance I wanted that feeling more and more. It was not a sexual feeling but an emotional feeling of love, closeness and acceptance. I would then look for any opportunity to buy or do things for her, whether it would be gifts, lunch, or give her money. I wanted that to be the same reaction to feed that gaping hole of fear, abandonment and rejection with an overwhelming feeling of warmth, compassion and security like that first time.  Looking back in retrospect – that act of giving and her reaction towards that subconsciously took a hold of me and ingrained in me that this friendship was “Performance Based” and would stay in-tact as long as I did things. It made her happy and she responded graciously. I wasn’t trying to buy her friendship, but deep down I knew she couldn’t possibly care and accept me for just being me. That dreaded low self-esteem embedded from my youth.  

Soon though, my attempts to do and be more included in her life and more accepted started to take an unhealthy turn and before long Penelope and I were in that same old pattern I have found myself in too numerous times to count with friends. She started distancing and not wanting me around as much. The more she pushed away the more desperately I would try to cling on. The more she distanced the more I pursued.  On the outside, without any knowledge of Co-Dependency or my intense childhood abuse, it looked to her and others that I wanted to be romantically involved with her. It was perceived by others that I was a lesbian and was after Penelope. Her husband became involved shortly thereafter because I started to scare her and he texted me to stay away from her and not to contact her anymore. 

I WAS CRUSHED! Totally devastated and felt this indescribable pain of rejection, abandonment, fear and worthlessness. The friendship that had breathed life back into me after my brother’s death was now gone! I was paralyzed with grief once again!

The next few months were filled with some of my darkest days. I started drinking a lot to mask the pain; my performance at work went drastically downhill; my interactions with Penelope at work were incredibly stressful and hurtful; I got a DUI; shut down and became terribly depressed and later lost my job! All because of Co-Dependency!

I moved from the area soon after losing my job and tried to once again run away from my past and start a new future. I felt ashamed, felt like a complete and total failure. The next few years would be filled with more failure, more disappointments, and more job loss and economic hardship. On the outside I felt that Penelope had ruined my life! That this friend who I adored just completely threw me out like I was nothing, to me she confirmed what I have always thought since childhood – that I am unlovable and nobody wants me in their life for very long. I did not stop to analyze my role in everything. To me, I thought I was the perfect friend.

I resolved to the fact that this friendship is just like all the others and proceeded to find my footing and get my life back. I did find other jobs and I did meet new people and acquire a few friends along the way, but the failure of Penelope would come to mind often. It was my one true regret with a friendship. This person truly was a special person and friendships like that don’t come around very often. I was angry at myself for destroying it and I missed my friend. I still had no idea that the culprit to all my pain was Co-Dependency. I just believed that there was something wrong with me and set out to change who I was. After a few years I did change and learned to recognize my mistakes but I just hadn’t tackled the one thing in my life that damaged it so tragically. It would take two more years for my eyes to be enlightened to the “Demon” that always followed me and around and tons more pain.  

Please continue with me for parts IV and V as the ending is not what you expect and out of my experiences the emergence of my memoir “Shards of Glass.” 

“Friendship is unnecessary, like Philosophy, like Art. It has no survival value; 
Rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.” – C. S. Lewis

Abuse Author: “Shards of Glass” https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore

Addictions and Childhood Abuse: Codependency and my Life (Part II)

I received several responses from folks eager to hear what specifically I struggled with and how I am coping and continue to overcome my nemesis – Co-Dependency. I had every intention on sharing openly with everyone I was just laying the ground-work for those more unfamiliar with the term.

I can honestly say that I was introduced to this term over 13 years ago while in therapy. I moved there because of my Aunt who I struggled with constantly never realizing that this was what I was facing. While talking one day about the many problems I faced in relating to others the therapist first used the term to describe the problem. Of course at the time I had no idea what she was talking about. All I thought was, 

“Great, another issue I now have to face! Will the trauma from childhood ever end!?”

I remember her giving me a book called “Facing Co-Dependency” by Pia Melody in 2003, it was the year of her release. I really was reluctant and actually stubborn about learning anything about it. After a few sessions I did manage to read some of the book and quickly dismissed it as something I did not struggled with. Either I just was blind about my habits or wasn’t ready to accept the fact that this term “Co-Dependency” was the very culprit, the root of ALL my problems in every major relationship/friendship I ever formed. 

I wish my eyes would have been open and that I was ready back then. I have been in torment for the past 11 years facing the tragedy of my brother’s death; the relocating over 1500 miles; new obstacles; new failed friendships; and failure with my career. I did however; manage to write my personal memoir on Childhood abuse through it all. But as of late I have lost my job again, and lost a significant friendship in my life. I have been forced to my knees countless times praying and praying out of desperation and despair for direction, enlightenment, healing, finances, reconciliation – you name it! This all could have been avoided if only I had embraced the book and recognized the illness that was in my life back then.

In pain and grief I did much soul searching to find meaning to my losses and the state of my life. One day while looking at my bookshelf a book jumped out at me. This book has stayed unopened and unread for many years… unfortunately. BUT that day, I pulled it off the shelf, dusted the cover off and sat down at my desk to muse over it. That book was an illuminating torch searing my very soul. It was the LIGHT, the REASON, the ROOT as to why I always lose the people I love and the Jobs I love working at. That book was the very book my therapist gave to me 11 years earlier. I wish I would have read its pages then because in that course of time I have lost my relationship with my aunt, lost 3 very good jobs and lost a very significant friendship with one of the ladies from my book, one who is mentioned in my acknowledgements. This friend who I adored and helped me with the greatest accomplishment I have done thus far was now gone! 

This friend and I have known each other 9 years. We started off as great friends and it was an immediate void that filled my lonely heart. It was not in a sexual way, as I am completely heterosexual, but in an emotional way. She showed me friendship, love and compassion those things I was in desperate need of. We had deep, meaningful talks about everything and her youthfulness and honesty were addicting to be around. At the time, I tried too hard and wanted too much from her. She is the mother of two young girls and at that time in our life we both worked for the same Company, she was married and I was still coping from my brother’s death a year and a half earlier. Our friendship grew but it also became very strained and unhealthy quick. Just like all the others that ever mattered to me! Soon afterwards the friendship dissolved. It was very painful for me. However, I did bounce back and move on, moving out of the area. I was not co-dependent with her then, but I was well on my way and neither her nor I, had any idea about the “Monster” I was fighting!

I refer to this “Monster” in my book “Shards of Glass” the chapter entitled: “Monster’s in my Closet.” At the age of 5, I knew of this “Monster!” And even when I was writing my memoir, This “Monster” still haunted me. It would take me 40 more years of battling, heartbreak and loss to come to an understanding and realization of my Demon and how it was destroying my life! It would take me almost taking my life before The Lord shined down and enlightened me on what that “Monster” truly was – the “Monster of Co-Dependency!”

But in order to understand where I am currently in my recovery and healing, I must first focus in on, where it started and how it manifested itself so unhealthily for years not just with this current friendship.

Through counseling and group therapy I have since learned what the root of the condition is for me. It may not be the same for others who suffer from Co-Dependency but it is a by-product of dysfunctional families. For me, my interpersonal relationships, the Co-dependent behavior I exhibit was learned by watching and imitating other family members. Co-Dependency is usually rooted in a person’s childhood and the treatment for me involved exploring mine and the deep seeded roots. Co-Dependency is an addiction! It is an addiction to people or relationships and it is a silent killer. It almost killed me!

In digging deep into the past I realized that although my father was the abuser, my mother played a significant role as well in shaping me for a Co-Dependent lifestyle. She fought and protected me every way she could from my father’s violent and drunken rampages but the one thing I did not receive from her was affection and love. The kind of affection and love where your mom holds you in her arms for what seems like an eternity and gently consoles and comforts you. A place where you feel warm and safe, loved unconditionally. I was never loved conditionally or unconditionally by my father. So there was a void there and with my mom fighting for her life and ours, she had nothing to give us in the way of nurturing. Yes, she made sure we were fed, had nice clothes and took a bath. But I needed more!! So very much more; more comfort, more love, more affection, more security, more affirmation and it never came. It is not my mom’s fault but rather the fault of the dysfunctional-ism that ran rampant in our family. 

I am a kid who learned to heal my own pain. Maybe not in a functional/healthy way, but I had to learn how to “Self-Soothe” myself and find ways to get my needs met anyway or through anyone I could. I had no one to teach me healthy relating and interactions. My interactions were filled with screaming, violence, pain, fear and misery. I learned to relate and interact trying desperately to have my needs met as a 5 year old, entering kindergarten. What I learned in those early years, those patterns of unhealthy relating and finding my worth and care in others, carried with me all throughout my life. In many ways I relate as an ADULT to adults the same way an emotionally abused and deprived 5 year old does and those methods of relating are not socially accepted and are certainly not understood by anyone.

I was placed in situations where there was tragedy and trauma, dealing with situations and emotions far beyond my ability to comprehend. I was molded for co-dependency before I was five by being expected and counted on to do things my parents should have been doing. I would be responsible for watching my younger siblings, running errands, going grocery shopping, protecting my mom etc. Responsibilities well beyond my years of performing but I did! I developed an over developed sense of responsibility for my mom and my siblings that would later filter into my meaningful relationships and friendships. 

Suffering from Co-Dependency I would latch on to a particular person who represented something I did or desperately did not receive from my parents as a child. The friendship would start out great until I started to become Co-Dependent upon them and then unhealthy patterns of relating would set in. Unrealistic expectations and desperate tactics of manipulation, control, unrealistic giving and anger would soon overcome the friendship and it would come crashing down. I was then left with such a tremendous void! That horrible feeling of rejection and abandonment would come flooding in and then I would feel an emptiness and feeling of despair so overwhelming I was barely able to function. This would be a repeated pattern, over and over, causing so much additional pain and agony in my life. I would not seek out these people/friendships but they would just occur in my life and before I knew what was happening I would be in a vicious cycle of relating again.

I could not wait to move when I graduated from high school. I felt that many “ex-friends” of mine thought I was weird and totally insane. Because of this condemnation, shame and guilt I would move several times in my life to several different states to start over - to escape the past messes I left behind in relationships. I would first move to Virginia Beach, then after a failed job/friendships and loss to Ohio, (Where I first learned of Co-Dependency and when my brother was killed); and then to Florida; where I didn’t know anyone hoping and praying that the “Monster” would not follow but it did every time!

Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. 

Don’t worry there is more to this story and more in-depth sharing on how and why I even recognized this in my life.

“I am fighting this monster one day at a time and I encourage you to come with me on my journey.”

I will leave you with this from the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying on dying and pain:

“Whatever you do, don’t try and escape from your pain, but be with it. Because the attempt to escape from pain is what creates more pain.”

Abuse Author: “Shards of Glass” https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore