Addictions and Childhood Abuse: Codependency and Friendships (Part III)

“Were only as sick as our Secrets...”

When I moved to Florida from Ohio it was scary and a major culture shock! It had only been 6 months since my brother’s death and I was dead inside. I am not normally a jittery or afraid person but I was then. Traffic, the night, loud noises, almost everything kept me on guard. I was panicky and in foreign territory. I found a part time job quickly to stay on my feet and then my life slowly started to begin again. In that time, I met a family and they adopted me into theirs and the pain of loneliness subsided some. I gained a surrogate mother in this family but one that I did not become co-dependent on, entirely. It was different and I was still in a complete daze from the loss of my brother. She is 20 years older than me, a caretaker and very loving and giving.  We did have our difficulties soon after forming our friendship and it was due to that “Monster” that was still inside of me even after moving 1500 miles… - IT FOLLOWED ME once again! My friend and I DID and have managed to keep our friendship strong despite a bumpy road the first few years.

That is how all my “Co-Dependent” friendships started out as an adult.  At first they were great and I was myself, fun, uninhibited, full of confidence, filled with a sense of humor, and had no expectations. I was separate in the beginning.  It was the warm and fuzzy feeling of a new person in my life. The friendship would be “Normal” and then all the sudden that person would do or say something, or I would do something and the friendship would respond in a way that would set in motion my Co-Dependent patterns and tendencies. Soon after, I would display actions and behaviors that at the time I couldn’t explain nor control.  

Something would change in the dynamics of the friendship and I did not know what it was. Secretly, inside I would always think: “Am I gay or something?” I would always question: “Why do I get so attached to women and not men?” “What the Hell is wrong with me?” Deep down though, I knew I was not a “Lesbian!” I never felt in love with them, but I did Love them. The women friendships in my life would meet a “Need” and “Void” of love, acceptance, compassion and tenderness that I never received as a child! (It has only been in the last 6 months that I have come to realize my disease). It was an “EMOTIONAL” connection that was formed! It was NEVER a physical one! It would appear on the outside to be one of unselfishness, giving, self-sacrifice, loyalty and love but all along it would be one of selfishness and control destroying me on the inside and disabling the friendship, shaking its very foundation. 

That person would then become distant; Arguments, Control, Selfishness and Manipulation would set in; and eventually the friendship would dissolve, (Especially in my youth). As an adult, all of my most meaningful friendships rebounded and I leveled out in relating to them. This was only because I would secretly, unbeknownst to me, be searching for my next “Fix” so to speak, and the pressure would soon be off the current friend and on to another. The real reason would never be addressed and the sickness would continue. Co-dependency is an ADDICTION!

Addictions are caused by pain! It is ALWAYS about pain!

I ran from my pain my entire life! I am a wounded soul and as a wounded soul I was looking for relief from that pain and unconsciously sought out distractions or a means to cope, usually resulting in some form of addiction. There are many things to become addicted to; Work, Drugs, Alcohol, Tobacco, Food, Sex, Spending, Shopping, Appearance, Internet, Video Games, Gambling and Relationships. Just to name a few. We live in a society that one way or the other is always about quick relief, satisfaction, selfishness and distraction. 

Keith Richards – Guitarist for the Rolling Stones said this when speaking about his heroin and cocaine addiction:“All the contortions we go through just not to be ourselves for a few hours.”

I did not know it at the time but I would soon find out that:

“I have been trying NOT to be myself,running from my past, 

not just for a few hours but for my entire life!”

You can’t escape something that is buried deep down inside and especially if you don’t even know it exist! Most Co-Dependents cannot identify their feelings. We keep them tucked down in an impenetrable vault. Recovery is part of feeling and accepting those feelings.  Life events and relationships affect Co-Dependents deeply. I was about to meet a friend who would affect me very deeply on many different levels and one whom I would become the most Co-Dependent on in my life! I was about to be addicted to this friendship in more ways than I could have ever imagine and dare admit. The next few years after moving to Florida would truly be far worse pain than even losing my brother; Unmanageable pain than even that inflicted in my childhood. This pain would be so deep, so controlling, so debilitating that it would send me spiraling down an abyss in which I almost did not emerge!

So the story continues:

About two years after moving to Florida I met my dear friend, I shall call her “Penelope.” When I first met her I did not enjoy her much at all! I thought she was shallow, snippy, cocky and very immature. I felt we had nothing in common and she was just too young for me to even begin to relate to, she was 14 years my junior and I was 36! I felt there was nothing that I could possibly learn from her. I tolerated her because of work and went on about my business for a few months. 

Not soon afterwards Penelope had a death in her family. It was her grandfather and when I heard the news, for some reason my heart just had so much compassion and ached for what she must be feeling. I empathized and sympathized, I knew that pain, especially after just losing my brother a year before. Something compelled me to text her and then call her. I believe it was a “Divine Appointment.” Before that, I had, had no intentions or desire for friendship other than a working one. I did not pick her! We had a short but heart-felt conversation and I told her I was there for her and that I knew her pain. After I hung up, I remembered thinking that I had so much compassion for her and I was compelled to help her through this loss. Days after that, I found myself thinking about her and praying for her. 

When she returned to work I decided that I would reach out to her and I bought a little plague with something inspirational on it and a cup of McDonald’s Mocha Iced Coffee and set it on her desk at work. After that we would talk on the phone and hang out quite often. She was filling a hole of loneliness and friendship that I was so desperately trying to fill. Our friendship was fun and exciting. We would have long talks about deep subjects, sharing about our lives, fears, hopes and dreams. She had an excellent sense of humor and is a real deep thinker. I was so wrong on my earlier assessment of her being shallow, she was actually an “Old Soul” and I told her that on several occasions. 

Her birthday was in a few weeks and in previous conversations I had remembered that she really wanted to go to the “Rascal Flatts” concert.  I thought, “That’s it. That would be the perfect gift for her.” I felt that this could really lift her spirits. So I bought the tickets and a card and went over to her office to surprise her. (I should point out: I always gave me friend’s gifts. There is nothing wrong with that but this is where our friendship started to take a turn towards my “Monster – Co-Dependency,” however it would not be until 5 years later that I would understand and recognize this). 

When I handed her the card and she opened it, tears came to her eyes and she said: “I have never had a friend or anyone do anything like this ever for me. Can I give you a hug?”  This was an unexpected reaction and one that warmed my heart to the very core. I had done something for someone and they “APPRECIATED” it and then showed me love and compassion by giving me a hug! Something I hardly ever have received throughout life and even now. That was it! After that instance I wanted that feeling more and more. It was not a sexual feeling but an emotional feeling of love, closeness and acceptance. I would then look for any opportunity to buy or do things for her, whether it would be gifts, lunch, or give her money. I wanted that to be the same reaction to feed that gaping hole of fear, abandonment and rejection with an overwhelming feeling of warmth, compassion and security like that first time.  Looking back in retrospect – that act of giving and her reaction towards that subconsciously took a hold of me and ingrained in me that this friendship was “Performance Based” and would stay in-tact as long as I did things. It made her happy and she responded graciously. I wasn’t trying to buy her friendship, but deep down I knew she couldn’t possibly care and accept me for just being me. That dreaded low self-esteem embedded from my youth.  

Soon though, my attempts to do and be more included in her life and more accepted started to take an unhealthy turn and before long Penelope and I were in that same old pattern I have found myself in too numerous times to count with friends. She started distancing and not wanting me around as much. The more she pushed away the more desperately I would try to cling on. The more she distanced the more I pursued.  On the outside, without any knowledge of Co-Dependency or my intense childhood abuse, it looked to her and others that I wanted to be romantically involved with her. It was perceived by others that I was a lesbian and was after Penelope. Her husband became involved shortly thereafter because I started to scare her and he texted me to stay away from her and not to contact her anymore. 

I WAS CRUSHED! Totally devastated and felt this indescribable pain of rejection, abandonment, fear and worthlessness. The friendship that had breathed life back into me after my brother’s death was now gone! I was paralyzed with grief once again!

The next few months were filled with some of my darkest days. I started drinking a lot to mask the pain; my performance at work went drastically downhill; my interactions with Penelope at work were incredibly stressful and hurtful; I got a DUI; shut down and became terribly depressed and later lost my job! All because of Co-Dependency!

I moved from the area soon after losing my job and tried to once again run away from my past and start a new future. I felt ashamed, felt like a complete and total failure. The next few years would be filled with more failure, more disappointments, and more job loss and economic hardship. On the outside I felt that Penelope had ruined my life! That this friend who I adored just completely threw me out like I was nothing, to me she confirmed what I have always thought since childhood – that I am unlovable and nobody wants me in their life for very long. I did not stop to analyze my role in everything. To me, I thought I was the perfect friend.

I resolved to the fact that this friendship is just like all the others and proceeded to find my footing and get my life back. I did find other jobs and I did meet new people and acquire a few friends along the way, but the failure of Penelope would come to mind often. It was my one true regret with a friendship. This person truly was a special person and friendships like that don’t come around very often. I was angry at myself for destroying it and I missed my friend. I still had no idea that the culprit to all my pain was Co-Dependency. I just believed that there was something wrong with me and set out to change who I was. After a few years I did change and learned to recognize my mistakes but I just hadn’t tackled the one thing in my life that damaged it so tragically. It would take two more years for my eyes to be enlightened to the “Demon” that always followed me and around and tons more pain.  

Please continue with me for parts IV and V as the ending is not what you expect and out of my experiences the emergence of my memoir “Shards of Glass.” 

“Friendship is unnecessary, like Philosophy, like Art. It has no survival value; 
Rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.” – C. S. Lewis

Abuse Author: “Shards of Glass” https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore

Addictions and Childhood Abuse: Codependency and my Life (Part II)

I received several responses from folks eager to hear what specifically I struggled with and how I am coping and continue to overcome my nemesis – Co-Dependency. I had every intention on sharing openly with everyone I was just laying the ground-work for those more unfamiliar with the term.

I can honestly say that I was introduced to this term over 13 years ago while in therapy. I moved there because of my Aunt who I struggled with constantly never realizing that this was what I was facing. While talking one day about the many problems I faced in relating to others the therapist first used the term to describe the problem. Of course at the time I had no idea what she was talking about. All I thought was, 

“Great, another issue I now have to face! Will the trauma from childhood ever end!?”

I remember her giving me a book called “Facing Co-Dependency” by Pia Melody in 2003, it was the year of her release. I really was reluctant and actually stubborn about learning anything about it. After a few sessions I did manage to read some of the book and quickly dismissed it as something I did not struggled with. Either I just was blind about my habits or wasn’t ready to accept the fact that this term “Co-Dependency” was the very culprit, the root of ALL my problems in every major relationship/friendship I ever formed. 

I wish my eyes would have been open and that I was ready back then. I have been in torment for the past 11 years facing the tragedy of my brother’s death; the relocating over 1500 miles; new obstacles; new failed friendships; and failure with my career. I did however; manage to write my personal memoir on Childhood abuse through it all. But as of late I have lost my job again, and lost a significant friendship in my life. I have been forced to my knees countless times praying and praying out of desperation and despair for direction, enlightenment, healing, finances, reconciliation – you name it! This all could have been avoided if only I had embraced the book and recognized the illness that was in my life back then.

In pain and grief I did much soul searching to find meaning to my losses and the state of my life. One day while looking at my bookshelf a book jumped out at me. This book has stayed unopened and unread for many years… unfortunately. BUT that day, I pulled it off the shelf, dusted the cover off and sat down at my desk to muse over it. That book was an illuminating torch searing my very soul. It was the LIGHT, the REASON, the ROOT as to why I always lose the people I love and the Jobs I love working at. That book was the very book my therapist gave to me 11 years earlier. I wish I would have read its pages then because in that course of time I have lost my relationship with my aunt, lost 3 very good jobs and lost a very significant friendship with one of the ladies from my book, one who is mentioned in my acknowledgements. This friend who I adored and helped me with the greatest accomplishment I have done thus far was now gone! 

This friend and I have known each other 9 years. We started off as great friends and it was an immediate void that filled my lonely heart. It was not in a sexual way, as I am completely heterosexual, but in an emotional way. She showed me friendship, love and compassion those things I was in desperate need of. We had deep, meaningful talks about everything and her youthfulness and honesty were addicting to be around. At the time, I tried too hard and wanted too much from her. She is the mother of two young girls and at that time in our life we both worked for the same Company, she was married and I was still coping from my brother’s death a year and a half earlier. Our friendship grew but it also became very strained and unhealthy quick. Just like all the others that ever mattered to me! Soon afterwards the friendship dissolved. It was very painful for me. However, I did bounce back and move on, moving out of the area. I was not co-dependent with her then, but I was well on my way and neither her nor I, had any idea about the “Monster” I was fighting!

I refer to this “Monster” in my book “Shards of Glass” the chapter entitled: “Monster’s in my Closet.” At the age of 5, I knew of this “Monster!” And even when I was writing my memoir, This “Monster” still haunted me. It would take me 40 more years of battling, heartbreak and loss to come to an understanding and realization of my Demon and how it was destroying my life! It would take me almost taking my life before The Lord shined down and enlightened me on what that “Monster” truly was – the “Monster of Co-Dependency!”

But in order to understand where I am currently in my recovery and healing, I must first focus in on, where it started and how it manifested itself so unhealthily for years not just with this current friendship.

Through counseling and group therapy I have since learned what the root of the condition is for me. It may not be the same for others who suffer from Co-Dependency but it is a by-product of dysfunctional families. For me, my interpersonal relationships, the Co-dependent behavior I exhibit was learned by watching and imitating other family members. Co-Dependency is usually rooted in a person’s childhood and the treatment for me involved exploring mine and the deep seeded roots. Co-Dependency is an addiction! It is an addiction to people or relationships and it is a silent killer. It almost killed me!

In digging deep into the past I realized that although my father was the abuser, my mother played a significant role as well in shaping me for a Co-Dependent lifestyle. She fought and protected me every way she could from my father’s violent and drunken rampages but the one thing I did not receive from her was affection and love. The kind of affection and love where your mom holds you in her arms for what seems like an eternity and gently consoles and comforts you. A place where you feel warm and safe, loved unconditionally. I was never loved conditionally or unconditionally by my father. So there was a void there and with my mom fighting for her life and ours, she had nothing to give us in the way of nurturing. Yes, she made sure we were fed, had nice clothes and took a bath. But I needed more!! So very much more; more comfort, more love, more affection, more security, more affirmation and it never came. It is not my mom’s fault but rather the fault of the dysfunctional-ism that ran rampant in our family. 

I am a kid who learned to heal my own pain. Maybe not in a functional/healthy way, but I had to learn how to “Self-Soothe” myself and find ways to get my needs met anyway or through anyone I could. I had no one to teach me healthy relating and interactions. My interactions were filled with screaming, violence, pain, fear and misery. I learned to relate and interact trying desperately to have my needs met as a 5 year old, entering kindergarten. What I learned in those early years, those patterns of unhealthy relating and finding my worth and care in others, carried with me all throughout my life. In many ways I relate as an ADULT to adults the same way an emotionally abused and deprived 5 year old does and those methods of relating are not socially accepted and are certainly not understood by anyone.

I was placed in situations where there was tragedy and trauma, dealing with situations and emotions far beyond my ability to comprehend. I was molded for co-dependency before I was five by being expected and counted on to do things my parents should have been doing. I would be responsible for watching my younger siblings, running errands, going grocery shopping, protecting my mom etc. Responsibilities well beyond my years of performing but I did! I developed an over developed sense of responsibility for my mom and my siblings that would later filter into my meaningful relationships and friendships. 

Suffering from Co-Dependency I would latch on to a particular person who represented something I did or desperately did not receive from my parents as a child. The friendship would start out great until I started to become Co-Dependent upon them and then unhealthy patterns of relating would set in. Unrealistic expectations and desperate tactics of manipulation, control, unrealistic giving and anger would soon overcome the friendship and it would come crashing down. I was then left with such a tremendous void! That horrible feeling of rejection and abandonment would come flooding in and then I would feel an emptiness and feeling of despair so overwhelming I was barely able to function. This would be a repeated pattern, over and over, causing so much additional pain and agony in my life. I would not seek out these people/friendships but they would just occur in my life and before I knew what was happening I would be in a vicious cycle of relating again.

I could not wait to move when I graduated from high school. I felt that many “ex-friends” of mine thought I was weird and totally insane. Because of this condemnation, shame and guilt I would move several times in my life to several different states to start over - to escape the past messes I left behind in relationships. I would first move to Virginia Beach, then after a failed job/friendships and loss to Ohio, (Where I first learned of Co-Dependency and when my brother was killed); and then to Florida; where I didn’t know anyone hoping and praying that the “Monster” would not follow but it did every time!

Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. 

Don’t worry there is more to this story and more in-depth sharing on how and why I even recognized this in my life.

“I am fighting this monster one day at a time and I encourage you to come with me on my journey.”

I will leave you with this from the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying on dying and pain:

“Whatever you do, don’t try and escape from your pain, but be with it. Because the attempt to escape from pain is what creates more pain.”

Abuse Author: “Shards of Glass” https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore

Preface to My Memoir "Shards of Glass"

PREFACE This project all started when THE question was asked by a dear friend of mine … Were you ever Raped? My snap, knee jerk reply was “NO ‘Just’ molested.” Like THAT was OK? We later joked about the denial. My response seemed ‘funny’. While I have shared with my close friends snap shots of my past, and certain stories or memories that had come to mind, none had directly asked me that question before. I remember driving home from her house, which was a good hour and a half drive. My mind raced into the wee hours of the night. The person who asked me that was once a dear friend. On the night of that infamous question, I had paid her a surprise visit with a Christmas gift for her children. I had not been actively in her life, as a close friend, for over three years. My friend and I met through work, and formed a deep friendship that later crumbled; compliments of my childhood, my suppressed emotions, ingrained and insane coping skills. Three years later, almost to the day, and after dedicated prayers to the Lord for reconciliation, we reconnected and our friendship was restored! The Lord does answer prayers, so be careful what you pray for. “I was only praying for reconciliation in our friendship, not to write a damn book!” Based upon memories and dreams I have had over the years, I found myself answering the question, via text, that had been asked in our conversation a few weeks before. Her reaction was not what I had hoped for; it scared her away once again. It was not what I shared that pushed her back; it was because she felt so badly about it. When she pulled away again though, I was left with one of my most dreaded emotions, REJECTION. I felt she had abandoned me because of what I had shared and that she thought I was some weird, messed up person. I was angry because I finally thought I had shared the right memories and had been rejected for it. I had kept quiet about my memories for years — not wanting to remember, forcing the images back down deep within and only recalling “Snap Shots”. The next few weeks were some of my darkest. I was already months into being unemployed, feeling desperate and with no direction. I was on my knees praying to God for deliverance, direction, strength, peace, reconciliation with friends, basically for everything and anything. I spent those weeks doing some heavy soul searching and being as honest with myself as I have ever been. God was there in the midst, as my previous employer was fighting me on unemployment. I had no money, saw no future, and had no friends in arms reach. A desperate state of being I’ll tell you. God answered yet again… I received my unemployment and they paid me retroactively, which relieved a lot of stress. I did not know at the time that God was also about to answer a few other requests and send me on a journey of blind faith. During that time the Lord showed me more love and peace than I had ever known! Three days later, I went to a baby shower close to where Marivel lived, so I decided that I was going to try one last time with my friend. I wanted to tell her that I was not the same person she knew a few years earlier. I remember pulling up to her house and just sitting in the driveway and praying. When I walked up to her door, I prayed,“Lord please prepare her heart for what I have to say”. When she opened the door I was shaking, I was so nervous. Needless to say, we picked back up where we left off, three years prior. We laughed, cried and drank a glass of wine. She wanted to know more about my past so I told her story after story of the horrific pain and anguish I went through. I shared with her everything I could remember at the time. She was deeply moved and said to me, “you need to write a book”. I told her my story is like so many others, it’s not that different. She then said something that changed my whole perspective. She said, “I have never known anyone with a story like yours. I have never had anyone share what you have shared with me. You read about similar struggles or see movies about them but seldom to you personally know someone or are friends with someone with this kind of story.” She was not the first person who ever suggested to me that I should write a book but she will be the last! I have known for years that the story of my childhood needed to be used somehow to help others. I have felt something in my spirit that said I needed to write a book. When those thoughts would come to the forefront, I would just dismiss them and go back on about my life. When Marivel said it that night, after three years of no friendship and hardly any contact, it struck a nerve so deep. I know it was the Lord’s gentle nudge and a confirmation to what I already knew in my heart I had to do. After that conversation, I knew completely how the Lord had used her in my life. I was encouraged, on January 28, 2013 to officially post on my Facebook page. “I am going to write a book! Detailing things from my traumatic childhood! After years of knowing I should do this, and after the wise words of a dear friend and much prayer, I will start this journey and trust that God will use it for HIS purpose and the healing of others!” This book is a journey into my world. Through the terrified eyes of a child, I will share the pain and torment inflicted on my family and me; by my father... Nobody was left unscathed. My research for this book comes from the countless books I have read on the subject, endless counseling sessions and through my best recollections of childhood. The events that happened in my childhood coupled with the tragedy upon tragedies that my family experienced has made me an expert on my pain and the struggles that I have carried for forty four years of my life. After leaving my friend’s house that night, I wished I would have told her the truth right then, but I was scared to give life to my memories. Speaking them or writing them makes it real! Was what I shared with her really the truth or my vibrant imagination? I started to try to remember and recount if my father had ever raped me. I know I was molested; severely abused physically and mentally tormented. Some of these memories, I know without any doubt happened. Those memories are so vivid I feel like I am right there and it is happening all over again. I can see the images; I recognize the surroundings and hear the words, and feel the physical pain. There are some thoughts that only come in snapshots or flashbacks. I recall all of my dreams. They are graphic and have lots of detail. Those dreams wake me up from a deep sleep and in a cold sweat. When I awake, I am overwhelmed with relief when I realize it was only in my dreams and not actually happening again. When I dream those dreams, it helps me put the pieces of the puzzle together. Even as I write these words though, I am still unsure. I hope that through the course of this journey I will find that the account I gave her was what actually happened. Better still would be that my father will eventually admit to all that he did, and that in doing so fill in the empty gaps that self-preservation just will not allow me to remember completely. But that one question, “Were you raped” still resounds in my thoughts and has sent my memories into overdrive. I am so frustrated because I know what I know, but at the same time, I do not know. I think it happened, have the images that prove it did, but I do not have the 100% cognitive recollection to substantiate it. “Was I just dreaming it, or did it really happen?” I trust Marivel was right, and that this is something people will identify with; be moved by, touched and healed through reading. I do not write this to hurt my father, to disgrace his name, out of anger or to get back at him. I have sincerely made my peace and have forgiven him for the past because I have come to realize that he too, was a victim of generational abuse, and his actions were a direct reaction to things he experienced himself as a child. That does not dismiss what he did and how he emotionally, physically and permanently altered the childhoods of four little children. “I do not write this for fame or fortune. I write this to be obedient to the Lord and what I know to be His inner voice in my spirit. I write this because as I was figuring out who I was and why I acted, felt and thought the way I did, it was so comforting and reassuring to read my struggles in someone else’s book and know that I am not ALONE. That yes, others out there have experienced the same or very similar experiences and have overcome all the illness that comes with being an adult survivor of experiencing spousal, sexual, physical and emotional abuse. I write this to be a legacy as I have no kids of my own nor do I think I will ever. I write this to finally share that inner horror that I have been held a prisoner in for so very long. I write this to end the cycle in our family of abuse and destructiveness. I write this for my healing and to have no secrets anymore! I write this to be used by someone else to experience freedom and peace. This book is not a self-help book with intellectual facts and studies on the effects of child abuse. I am not a professional writer nor do I claim to be an expert on abuse, stolen innocence, fear or trauma. This is simply a memoir of my childhood and most importantly my PAST, what I endured, how I tried to cope, how I failed but most importantly that I survived and how the Lord is continuing to heal me day by day. The day this is published will be the day my life is once again, forever altered!”