Survivor Surviving the Holidays!

I have always loved Christmas! It is my favorite time of the year! Thanksgiving and Christmas are wonderful holidays. A time of being thankful, magical excitement, gatherings, parties, holiday music, and Christian plays and concerts. It is that time of the year where everyone seems to be happy and giving. Unfortunately, for many adult survivors of abuse spending time with family, friends and traveling back home to past environments that once caused us so much agony and pain can be a dreadful time of the year. How do we, that have so much baggage from the past, survive the holidays? It is not the most wonderful time of the year for many survivors! Instead it is a time filled with dread, anxiety, fear and depression. It can stem from painfully hard memories such as I have or from revisiting abusers and environments where the initial pain from childhood occurred.

I am grateful that I can now enjoy the holiday season without many of the regrets I once had. When I was younger after I moved from home and would go to visit I was always excited. I looked forward to seeing my mother and my siblings but dreaded the interactions I would have with my father. None-the-less, I looked forward to seeing my family. It came at a great price usually. After my visit home I would return and be a complete and total mess reverting back into the fear of my childhood. I would have so much anger and rage that I lashed out in many situations and with friends. It would take weeks for me to level out and regain some normalcy in relating and functioning again. I did not know it at the time but what I had experienced was a “Triggering” from revisiting the environment in which so many horrors resided. It took me some time to realize that the fear and emotional trauma resurfaced from the PTSD I suffered as a child. I have learned to deal with the triggers more effectively today and they don’t rock my world like they use to earlier in my healing journey.

The holidays are full of tragic events for me that have taken many years to reach a place where I can actually look forward and enjoy them now. As I have grown in my healing it has become much easier to go back to my home town for visits and see people and places that were once very painful. To share the most triggering events for me from my past is important to show others that even with horrific situations and memories, that you too can reach a point of peace and joy for the holiday season and regain that magic you once had in your youth.

On Christmas morning when I was twelve my next door neighbor was killed in a tragic house fire. She was an elderly woman and due to the extreme frigid temperatures, the space heater caught fire. In my book, “Shards of Glass,” I recount the details of that day and the everlasting scars that seared me so personally. Whether I consciously or subconsciously want to remember or not, those vivid images flash back into my thoughts every Christmas day, and at some point I always remember my neighbor and that fateful Christmas day in 1981.

Thanksgiving was also a rough time of the year until I realized I was not responsible for the “What If’s” or “I should Have,” for this one particular memory. I had a very dear friend’s sister, whom I knew very well commit suicide exactly one week prior. Katelyn and her sister were like family to me at the time. Katelyn’s sister had been struggling with severe depression for months prior to the day she decided she just couldn’t go on. I tired the best I could with Sara Lisa to offer support, advice, and just listen to her pain. Her family was concerned but had no idea the deep level of depression Sara Lisa was suffering from. I was with Katelyn the day she would speak with her sister for the very last time. I remember that when Katelyn hung up the phone her stating that she just got a really weird call from Sara Lisa. I asked her why it was weird and she said, “Because Sara Lisa told me how much she loved me and that she would always love me. She never says that.” I remember thinking for a split second that Sara Lisa was in trouble but quickly shrugged it off. Soon afterwards, I was driving home and thought of stopping by Sara Lisa’s apartment to check in on her. I wish I had, because a short time after that phone call she took a gun and ended her life. I have always felt that if I would have stopped by and went with my gut feeling that Sara Lisa would still be alive today. That year Thanksgiving was significantly horrible and void of any meaning. I was numb from grief and had no clue how to help my friend cope with her tremendous loss. We would later have a falling out because of the intense grief Katelyn was suffering from.

I haven’t visited New York for either Thanksgiving or Christmas in 10 years. The last time I was there it was especially memorable and devastating. It is marked with great regret and guilt even to this day. Overall that year in 2003 it was a pleasant time of visiting family and friends. My father was on his best behavior for the most part and there was not much drama. The event that hurt me the most and causes severe regret today was an intense fight that occurred between my brother and me. We had gone out to the area pub to reconnect and reminisce with old friends. It was a wonderful time of laughing, joking and holiday cocktails. Unfortunately, afterwards it turned ugly rather quickly and we had an intense fight over something I don’t even recall today. There were many harsh words slung back and forth and afterwards I remember racing up to my room and just crying like a baby. I was so badly triggered and hurt by the fight. Thankfully the next day we reconciled and things between us returned to normal. I left to travel back home new year’s eve. Three days after that fight, my life would be forever altered as my dear and only brother was killed in a car accident devastating us all. The regret of having that fight just 3 days before his death and it happening over the Christmas and New Year’s holiday has always left a deep scar.

It is still a stressful time for me and my family causing me pressure and anxiety. The loss of my brother is amplified because the lack of his presence is so noticeable, riddled with memories, regret, remorse, guilt, anger and depression. It has taken almost ten years to find some sense of peace, excitement and courage to even want to celebrate my favorite time of the year again. It has been through great healing from the pain and my faith in the Lord that I have learned to anticipate and enjoy the holiday season. I denied myself that right for years feeling like I would be doing a disgrace to be happy after my brother’s, neighbor’s and friend’s deaths.

For the adult survivor other significant holidays and days such as birthdays or anniversaries can be a very painful time when memories reemerge. Survivors want to sometimes retreat and not participate in holiday functions. It is vitally important that each of us be kind and takes care of ourselves in the decisions we make regarding the holidays. If you know a survivor of childhood abuse, check up on them. Invite them to celebrations and try to include them. I know sometimes I want to retreat and hide but I also want to be included and feel loved with invites and thoughtful gestures. Someone may be hurting and you may be that person who can offer that love and security that they need.

My advice to all of us out there is to remember to honor ourselves and don’t abandon your right to feel happy over the holidays. It is ok to celebrate and to be vigilant so as not to be violated or threatened in anyway when we’re around those past environments or people. Remember you are not a child anymore and you have the power to step out of harm’s way anytime you feel uncomfortable or threatened. You have the right and power now to protect yourself and say “NO” if it doesn’t feel right. Take others who you feel “Safe” with and trust with you to visit family and places that could be potential triggers. My last advice is to stay sober and have a clear head. Alcohol can be the catalyst for arguments and the loss of restraint, resulting in situations that could have otherwise been avoided.

I share a little of the tragedy from my life and especially around the holidays to offer hope that there is always a way through. That no matter what you have endured from the past or are currently going through, that over time – you can heal. You can reach a point where even the most severe, devastating pain does not completely control your emotions. You can find meaning and happiness again.

I am not an expert on how to survive the holidays but I know what works for me and how I have coped with them. I still feel a huge relief after Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s and the death date of my brother, (January 3rd), has passed. I don’t know if I will ever fully be able to have the wonderment and excitement for the holidays that I once had but I promise you that I am going to give it 100% every holiday season to enjoy what I have in front of me and the people I still have in my life, celebrating the joy of the season and of my dear saviors birth!

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Healing New Year.

Shards of Glass “From Tragedy and Trauma Comes Redemption and Triumph!” https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore

Your Heart is your Compass – Journey into Self-Reflection

I love this quote by Janelle Saar:

“Your Heart will always remember and be your Compass back to being you!”

It seems that most of my life has been spent “Unlearning” the unhealthy, ingrained behaviors, coping mechanisms, and thoughts from the past. I started at a young age, reflecting on my behaviors and trying to answer these internal questions, “Why do, I do the things I do,” and “Why do I have the thoughts that I have.” I knew very early that I didn’t behave or think “normally” as some would classify. I knew that I had a warped sense of self, reality, people and my place in this world. I have always felt insecure, non-valued, de-valued and unworthy of any happiness or Joy. I have never thought of myself as a victim from my past, but I am being “held” victim from things that keep recirculating and appearing in my life, even after recognizing them and conquering them, or so I thought. I am haunted with thoughts that I will always have to “fight” to behave and think normal. I fear that I will never “get this” or just become too tired to be hyper-vigilant with my self-reflection.

When I get in this stuck pattern of thinking I have to remind myself that Healing and Thriving in life doesn’t mean that the past will no rear its’ ugly head again. But that when it does, I am equipped and have the mental fortitude to recognize the behaviors, identify the trigger(s) and then dig down deep into my “Emotional Tool Box,” remembering the healthy, positive, spiritual tools I have, and then USING them on whatever the issue. Moving through those difficult times is what makes me a Thriver and promotes continued Healing from the past.

I am reminded of a situation that occurred over the weekend. A huge altercation with my Sisters - my FAMILY, that ended with a lot of hurt feelings and a myriad of emotions encircling all of us. It was an emptiness I have never known to feel alienated from the only people who ever truly care – your family and feel that I was the “Bad Guy” in the situation.

Due to some economic hardships, my sisters and I are all faced with having to live together, pulling our resources to survive. I haven’t lived this closely or intimately with my sisters or them with me, since we were young girls living in our abusive, traumatic household some 30 years ago! The everyday triggers and being pulled into old coping and relational patterns is a daunting uphill climb, happening daily with myself. I feel like that little girl that can never do anything right. I feel like I am being ganged up on and alienated from the only two sisters that I have! We have all dealt with the horrors from childhood in our own separate ways, and we are all at different levels. I was told that I never see what I do or what my actions are. I disagree with that whole heartedly, as I am constantly looking within myself to change “Those things I can,” and function in healthy ways. I am constantly striving to be a better form of “Self” than I was yesterday. I do look deep within. I am hard on myself and what I still see. I do apologize and admit when I am wrong. I am willing, wanting to do self-analyzing and self-searching!

We lost our only bother 9 years ago to a freak car accident. The trauma and grief that we all experienced is too deep for words, and still lives with us today, being even more pronounced with his birthday being next month. He would have been 38 this year. He was killed when he was only 28 years old. Never had a chance to live! An amazing person, snuffed out far too early. I was once told that, “When you pick an apple off a tree, which one do you choose? The ripest; reddest, perfect apple on the tree.” This helps me to process, why the Lord chose to take him home far too early in his life.

I am convicted that the Loss of my only, baby brother was something I barely survived. Now all I have left is my two sisters and we can’t even seem to get along. I have forgotten that in this life, “Suddenly” you can lose the ones you love without a moment’s notice. I have my sister’s right here within arm’s reach. We haven’t lived in the same state for over 13 years and this should be an easy transition, but it is not! We should be excited and loving towards each other, counting this as a wonderful time in our lives to be together after so many years apart. We should celebrate the relationships and gain strength and friendship from each other, not tarring and ripping each other apart!

It is time to conquer these Sibling Triggers once and for all and stop operating as a young teenager and start remembering and thinking as a tender sister; being forgiving, loving and encouraging toward each other. The process starts within me, not considering whether it will be reciprocated or not. It is my choice to not react with those triggers or actions they display, it is my responsibility to “Check Myself,” not being concerned with their progression of healing and relating. I have to be responsible for my own actions, and my reactions to each of them. It is my responsibility to change the “Steps” to this dysfunctional “Dance!”

I am thinking forward in this situation. I am holding the mirror up to my heart and trusting that my Heart will be the compass back to my true self!

Emotional Triggers

When I was a young adult I was so very naive as to think that the events of my childhood did not traumatize nor affect me. It did not take me long to realize that there was "Something Wrong with ME!" I could be having a splendid day where I was happy, energetic having a positive outlook then suddenly I would plummet into the dark depths of depression and despair hating myself and my place in the world. It took many years in counseling and self-reflecting to identify what was happening when this occurred. I had experienced an "Emotional Trigger" from my childhood. In some cases it would be a PTSD Trigger that would send my emotions and thoughts on a path towards despair. Triggers can be anything that immediately places you in the midst of an already experienced traumatic event. You feel like it is happening all over again and you are now facing the same fears, hopelessness and pain as you once did in the past. Triggers can associate with anything that triggers your memory. It can be a smell; sound or song; person; beverage or drink; TV Show; image; the weather or season; objects; virtually anything that you subconsciously associate with the event. Identifying your triggers is a vital step in the healing process. It allows for advance notice as to when a possible episode may occur and also allows you to consciously think about how you’re going to respond or react. The episodes may still come but you learn to control them and they don't effect your personality or emotions for as long. Those times I spiraled down occurred when I was unaware of what I was experiencing and was caught "Off Guard" by the emotion. Knowing your triggers is vital for a survivor of any form of abuse. I encourage you to make a list of yours today! Some of my triggers include; Train Whistle and bells; Belt; Loud Noises of any kind; Engine Revving; the word "FUCK"; Snow; Rain; Mad Dog 20/20; Gun Shots; loud screams; mud; bacon; mean spirited individuals; a Nike Hat, violence,Ted Danson, Glenn Close, Farah Fawcett just to name a few. These are all associated with painful, traumatic events or memories from my past and trigger my emotions on a moment’s notice causing extreme panic and anxiety. Do a self-inventory today on your Triggers to better prepare you in guarding your emotions and thoughts. Also trust and read the word of God. The only source for my true healing. "I entreat you when I do come [to you] that I may not [be driven to such] boldness as I intend to show toward those few who suspect us of acting according to the flesh [on the low level of worldly motives and as if invested with only human powers]. For though we walk (live) in the flesh, we are not carrying on our warfare according to the flesh and using mere human weapons. For the weapons of our warfare are not physical [weapons of flesh and blood], but they are mighty before God for the overthrow and destruction of strongholds, [Inasmuch as we] refute arguments and theories and reasoning’s and every proud and lofty thing that sets itself up against the [true] knowledge of God; and we lead every thought and purpose away captive into the obedience of Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One)," - 2 Corinthians 10:2-5