Addictions and Childhood Abuse: Codependency and my Life (Part I)

I know it has been awhile since I wrote my thoughts down for the world to read. I have been confronting internal issues from the past that I have been in denial about and even just recently realized.  As Adult Survivors of abuse there are many issues that we seem to have to overcome on a personal level and daily basis, which the ordinary person can just coast right through and never even considers nor struggle with. On top of emotional and mental struggles most emerge from childhood with, we also develop unhealthy patterns of relating and coping, thus leading to addictions. I am not necessarily referring to drugs, sex, gambling or alcohol.

One of the forgotten and actually relatively new terms that have only surfaced in the last 10 - 15 years in the mental health field is “Co-Dependency.” This is my preferred drug of choice. It is in a sense, an Addiction to People. Specifically those that hold your Self-worth and Esteem in their hands.

For those of you unfamiliar with the term the official/original Webster’s Dictionary term describe Co-Dependency as:

“An extreme dependency by one person on another who is suffering from an addiction. Common characteristics include low self-esteem coupled with a high need for approval. Not a formal psychiatric diagnosis, codependency is a psychological syndrome noted in relatives or partners of alcoholics or substance abusers.”

Although this is the original definition; the term “Co-Dependency” has grown to mean so much more. This was coined by therapists in the 1970’s but little was really known about the condition. They observed that most alcoholics shared a consistent set of behaviors. As family members began to seek treatment they also observed that the family members involved with the alcoholic displayed predictable patterns of behaviors as well. Since much research and studying of the condition the definition has since broadened to include many characteristic that are not always attributed to taking care of a person or living with an addict. It has also been concluded that those suffering from Co-Dependency came from dysfunctional or abusive childhood environments.

Several groups have been formed to help people with many types of problems and addictions. Al-Anon groups were formed in the early 1950”s to address family members in need of support from the effects of living with a person who was deemed an alcoholic.

 Al-Anon is:

"A worldwide fellowship that offers a program of recovery for the families and friends of alcoholics, whether or not the alcoholic recognizes the existence of a drinking problem or seeks help."

Al-Anon groups were addressing the condition known as Co-Dependency long before the term was even developed or recongnized in the mental health arena. The more broadened definition has now come to include the following traits:

·         Feel responsible for others’ behavior; a warped sense of responsibility

·         Need to be needed

·         Givers and people pleasers

·         Fear of rejection and abandonment and try to control them

·         Expect others to make us happy or define our worth

·         Can be demanding or indecisive

·         Can be attentive and caring or selfish and cruel

·         See people and situations as wonderful or awful – one extreme to the other

·         Seek affirmation and attention or sulk and hide

·         Believe they are perceptive, (and are usually), but can’t often see the reality in their own lives

·         See others as either “for us” or “against us”

·         Use self-pity and or anger to manipulate others

·         Communicate contrasting messages, like “I need you, I hate you”

·         Don’t say what they mean and don’t mean what they say

·         Repent deeply but commit the same sins again and again

·         Compulsive fixers and rescuers who are so tied into another’s life and behavior that they lose
           their identity

·         Their whole vane of existence is tied into another’s person’s approval and value of them.

 

I have many of the Co-Dependent behavioral traits listed above. I displayed these traits at the age of 5 when I entered kindergarten and they are now destroying my adult life. Codependency is a compulsion to control and rescue people by trying to fix their problems. It occurs in the lives of people whose need for love and security has gone unmet.  I don’t know about you but every survivor of childhood abuse I have ever encountered has had many needs unmet but most importantly the need for safety, security and love. These needs are essential for a child to grow up feeling valued and appreciated. The Co-Dependent grows up feeling that they need to please or help others and even then, they may not be loved and accepted like they desire.

Co-Dependency is an addiction! It is an addiction to people to somehow and in any way they can, meet these needs through another person. You can become Co-Dependent on:

·         A Spouse

·         Boyfriend/Girlfriend

·         Parent

·         Child

·         Friend

·         Co-Worker
 

It is a dysfunctional way of relating to others and a dysfunction way we see ourselves. It stems from the emptiness inside to have filled. It is a void which should have been filled by our parents in a loving and nurturing environment, but one that is often left empty in house of brutality, cruelty and neglect.

The encouraging news is that this addiction CAN be Broken! Conquering Co-Dependency is much like conquering any addiction. It is said to be one of the hardest addictions to break.  I lost a lot of hope when I first heard this. I have been battling my entire life and now I have this tremendous obstacle to overcome?!

Fighting Co-Dependency is a process. It is a process of retraining and rewiring our thinking and thoughts about ourselves and reality. There are many groups and tools that you can use to conquer this demon. It is much the same as any 12 Step program in fighting any addiction. There is much inward discovery that needs to take place, dealt with and then healed. I will be submitting more on my process to overcome this gruesome addiction in the days to come. I will leave you with this powerful quote by The Buddha:

“The root of suffering is attachment.”

Abuse Author: “Shards of Glass” https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore

Your Heart is your Compass – Journey into Self-Reflection

I love this quote by Janelle Saar:

“Your Heart will always remember and be your Compass back to being you!”

It seems that most of my life has been spent “Unlearning” the unhealthy, ingrained behaviors, coping mechanisms, and thoughts from the past. I started at a young age, reflecting on my behaviors and trying to answer these internal questions, “Why do, I do the things I do,” and “Why do I have the thoughts that I have.” I knew very early that I didn’t behave or think “normally” as some would classify. I knew that I had a warped sense of self, reality, people and my place in this world. I have always felt insecure, non-valued, de-valued and unworthy of any happiness or Joy. I have never thought of myself as a victim from my past, but I am being “held” victim from things that keep recirculating and appearing in my life, even after recognizing them and conquering them, or so I thought. I am haunted with thoughts that I will always have to “fight” to behave and think normal. I fear that I will never “get this” or just become too tired to be hyper-vigilant with my self-reflection.

When I get in this stuck pattern of thinking I have to remind myself that Healing and Thriving in life doesn’t mean that the past will no rear its’ ugly head again. But that when it does, I am equipped and have the mental fortitude to recognize the behaviors, identify the trigger(s) and then dig down deep into my “Emotional Tool Box,” remembering the healthy, positive, spiritual tools I have, and then USING them on whatever the issue. Moving through those difficult times is what makes me a Thriver and promotes continued Healing from the past.

I am reminded of a situation that occurred over the weekend. A huge altercation with my Sisters - my FAMILY, that ended with a lot of hurt feelings and a myriad of emotions encircling all of us. It was an emptiness I have never known to feel alienated from the only people who ever truly care – your family and feel that I was the “Bad Guy” in the situation.

Due to some economic hardships, my sisters and I are all faced with having to live together, pulling our resources to survive. I haven’t lived this closely or intimately with my sisters or them with me, since we were young girls living in our abusive, traumatic household some 30 years ago! The everyday triggers and being pulled into old coping and relational patterns is a daunting uphill climb, happening daily with myself. I feel like that little girl that can never do anything right. I feel like I am being ganged up on and alienated from the only two sisters that I have! We have all dealt with the horrors from childhood in our own separate ways, and we are all at different levels. I was told that I never see what I do or what my actions are. I disagree with that whole heartedly, as I am constantly looking within myself to change “Those things I can,” and function in healthy ways. I am constantly striving to be a better form of “Self” than I was yesterday. I do look deep within. I am hard on myself and what I still see. I do apologize and admit when I am wrong. I am willing, wanting to do self-analyzing and self-searching!

We lost our only bother 9 years ago to a freak car accident. The trauma and grief that we all experienced is too deep for words, and still lives with us today, being even more pronounced with his birthday being next month. He would have been 38 this year. He was killed when he was only 28 years old. Never had a chance to live! An amazing person, snuffed out far too early. I was once told that, “When you pick an apple off a tree, which one do you choose? The ripest; reddest, perfect apple on the tree.” This helps me to process, why the Lord chose to take him home far too early in his life.

I am convicted that the Loss of my only, baby brother was something I barely survived. Now all I have left is my two sisters and we can’t even seem to get along. I have forgotten that in this life, “Suddenly” you can lose the ones you love without a moment’s notice. I have my sister’s right here within arm’s reach. We haven’t lived in the same state for over 13 years and this should be an easy transition, but it is not! We should be excited and loving towards each other, counting this as a wonderful time in our lives to be together after so many years apart. We should celebrate the relationships and gain strength and friendship from each other, not tarring and ripping each other apart!

It is time to conquer these Sibling Triggers once and for all and stop operating as a young teenager and start remembering and thinking as a tender sister; being forgiving, loving and encouraging toward each other. The process starts within me, not considering whether it will be reciprocated or not. It is my choice to not react with those triggers or actions they display, it is my responsibility to “Check Myself,” not being concerned with their progression of healing and relating. I have to be responsible for my own actions, and my reactions to each of them. It is my responsibility to change the “Steps” to this dysfunctional “Dance!”

I am thinking forward in this situation. I am holding the mirror up to my heart and trusting that my Heart will be the compass back to my true self!