We Live in a "Throw Difficult People Away Society"

As I sit here thinking about all that has transpired in my life over the last 7 months I am amazed at the trials and tribulations I have Suffered and Endured.
I have been 7 months unemployed; wrote a Personal Memoir on Childhood Abuse; been in a very serious car accident, where I totaled my car injuring myself badly and still recuperating, was almost Sued over that accident; Unemployment was fought by my previous employer; had to purchase another car with no money in the bank having to rely on my Mom’s resources; submitted over 300 applications with no job prospects in sight and very few interviews; lost friends in my life due to my erratic behaviors; now, currently running out of unemployment; and having to move out of my apt. by the end of the month, because I can’t pay the rent.

Compound to that, the “Triggers” and “Flashbacks” from writing my book, the panic attacks, anxiety, fear, abandonment, loneliness, confusion, nightmares and the reliving of my Rape account that I had suppressed for almost 28 yrs. – YES! I guess you could say that I am a mess!

However, I am a FIGHTER! I do look within myself and try to change the negative effects from my past daily! I do pray every day, and often; for Wisdom, Understanding, Healing and Change. I have acted irrationally lately; I have overstepped the boundaries of others; I have been angry and lashed out over the circumstances in my life; I have withdrawn; I do feel depressed and down; I am uncertain about my livelihood and YET I am still STANDING!

My point to all of this is “Such is Life”, “Life on Life’s Terms” Right? It throws many curve balls and is not always easy to adapt to. These turbulent storms seem like the way of life to an Adult Survivor of Abuse. Just dealing with the ever day issues of life is enough but then add to that the long reaching effects of that abuse into our Adult lives; the daily internal pain, doubt, fear, rejection and thoughts that we have….Adult Survivors are often seem like a “Hot Mess” to others. Our family, friends, partners, co-workers they all have their hidden opinions of us. That we are weird, Crazy, abnormal, unpredictable, unstable, moody, negative, and even insane at times. Those people back away and most Throw Us Away, because being in OUR lives and US in theirs, takes “WORK!”

We are DAMAGED individuals living in a Society of “I don’t have time,” “I want easy, positive people in my life,” “You’re too difficult” “You’re too needy;” - “Basically were Throw-Away people, because we require so much work! We are not bad people though, and usually make for the most loyal, loving, understanding, committed friends, lovers, co-workers a person could ever have…that is if they can put up with our baggage long enough for us to change, and trust them!

Here is what I want Secondary Survivors to know and understand – There is a reason why we are like this! We are by-products from our abusive pasts and all we strive on a daily basis is to feel and be; “Normal,” loved, understood, valued, and accepted.

Secondary Survivors can be the following; our spouse, partner, boyfriend/girlfriend, family, children and friends.

I know it is not their responsibility to change us, but it is their responsibility to understand us! Especially if they love and care and want us in their lives! We are not perfect people, nobody is! It is OUR responsibility to get help, learn our behaviors, to change the negative and to strive to move out of our pasts, into our present, moving towards our FUTURE!

The cause’s for our extreme behavior, thoughts and actions stems from any one of the following forms of abuse we endured as children; the physical abuse we received or witnessed; the violation of our boundaries; the abandonment and lack of nurturing we experienced; the damage to our self-esteem and worth; the abandonment and isolation; alcohol abuse from a parent; mental and psychological torment just to name the biggies!

There are many publications and information out there to help educate the masses on how and why we feel and do what we do. I am also the Adult Child of an Alcoholic and that brings another slew of issues into my life. In fact there are 14 traits that accompany that form of trauma as well.

Here they are: (I am many of them!) Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic

1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
3. We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism.
4. We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another
compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick
abandonment needs.
5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that
weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us
to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to
look too closely at our own faults, etc.
7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in
to others.
8. We became addicted to excitement.
9. We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity"
and "rescue."
10. We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost
the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much
(Denial).
11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will
do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience
painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick
people who were never there emotionally for us.
13. Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on
the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the
drink.
14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.

I wish others were more patient, understanding, loving, caring, and compassionate when it comes to dealing with ANY Adult Survivor of physical abuse, alcoholism, molestation, sexual violation, rape, mental anguish, abandonment, rejection. They don’t understand that one negative comment that validates the past is enough to send our lives into a chaotic downward spiral. They don’t see how there pulling away or removal of a Relationship/Friendship is the ultimate betrayal and releases intense feelings of rejection and unworthiness into our lives. They don’t understand that a harsh word can completely ruin our days. BUT I wish they did!

I love so many people that don’t seem to love me back. I know that I have much growing and changing still left to be completely “Whole”. My fervent pray is that the people I love will see my value, my worth and have patience and understanding as I heal! I love you my friends...you know who you are!

Please don’t “Throw Me AWAY!!”

Learning in Loneliness

I am a social butterfly. I love people for the most part. They are a drug to me I enjoy the interactions and I especially enjoy my close friends and family. I am not built to be alone, yet here I am alone again. I have been alone my whole life, never marrying and I have no kids. I have do not have many romantic relationships and the ones I do never last for very long. As soon as the relationship becomes more intimate than “just friends”, I run the other way, usually finding an excuse as to why it won’t work out. I self-sabotage the relationship before it even gets off the ground.

I realized that these actions are learned behaviors from my childhood trauma. I don’t trust many people and even the close friends that I do; I still have my guard up; always waiting and looking for any indication as to why I shouldn’t trust them. This creates problems, because any little hint of frustration from them or negative comment, I deeply internalize in a big way. This creates depression and insecurity for me and I automatically think they don’t like me and very soon the friendship will crumble. That is when I become unsure, needy and tend to act irrationally because of the fear of losing a very meaningful relationship/friendship in my life.

I have lived most of my life in a tremendous amount of loneliness. I wonder if I will ever be truly loved and if I will ever marry and feel valued. Being Lonely isn’t the same thing as being alone. I believe being lonely is inner emptiness caused by our pre-disposed image that we are not worthy of anything good, including loving friends, committed relationships and even God. Abuse survivors feel isolated in their emotions being closed people only letting a select few in. Those select few become our nucleus and we rely on them heavily which is not fair to them. Trust issues lead to our loneliness. If we trusted more we would have more people in our lives.

I was often lonely and depressed as a child and I have taken this into my adult life. As a result, I don’t have the ability to form social relationships in a healthy manner. I do get along with people but if they hurt me even once whether intentionally or unintentionally it is hard for me to trust them again, especially if they do not mean that much. I have a hard time speaking up for myself for fear that if I do that person will leave me. Therefore I sacrifice myself, my feelings, my emotions, and my dignity out of fear.

I have chosen a lot of the time to cut myself off from people because I am tired of being hurt by them. I have never been one to have a large number of friends. I can’t handle them. I feel socially isolated much of the times and my interpersonal skills sometimes suffer.

It has been noted that Childhood abuse creates two distinct interpersonal styles of relating: Both are dysfunctional and stem from the abuse. Adult survivors may adopt one of two interpersonal styles: avoidant or intrusive.

The avoidant style is characterized by low interdependency, low self-disclosure and low warmth. People with the avoidant style have few interpersonal ties and few friends. They are less likely to be involved in relationships with others and less likely to be married.

The intrusive style is at the opposite end of the spectrum. This is me for the most part. These People with the intrusive style have extreme needs for closeness. There is excessive self-disclosure, and relationships are smothering. This style is overly demanding and controlling of others. Both the avoidant and intrusive styles are dysfunctional and are likely to result in loneliness.

I recognized this monster early in my life. It is a chapter in my upcoming book “Shards Of Glass” called Monster’s in my Closet. I knew I had a dysfunctional way of relating to people when I was in middle school. I knew I had an addictive personality clinging on to those that met an unresolved emotional need within me. I knew my shortcomings then and the tendency for this behavior to resurface now, whenever I feel threatened or unappreciated feeling the friendship/relationship slipping away.

I wish I could just be “Normal” and relate in healthy manners with the people I love and care about. Every day is a constant battle to relate to people in societal healthy parameters. I don’t usually expect the friends I have to stick in my life and stay for long periods of time. I usually expect them to leave in tragic, gut wrenching ways leaving gaping holes in my life and in my heart!

My daily prayer is that I will continue to learn and recognize the new healthy ways to relate to people and the proper place to put those meaningful people in my life without relating to them unhealthily. I pray for healing and for discernment whenever I start to revert back into old patterns of relating. I pray for the courage and knowledge to step out of the negative patterns.

I don’t want to be lonely forever! I don’t want to be lonely one more day! I don’t want to suffer in loneliness and worthlessness for one minute longer! I refuse to let any past negative behaviors rule my present and my future! I am choosing to live in Victory and to live Positively with others from here on out! This is my Declaration to myself and the ones I love. I ask for forgiveness, understanding and patience as I move from ingrained relating patterns out into new uncharted waters! Stepping out in Faith that I can do this! I pray those friends who I have hurt and mistreated haven’t left me! But if they have, I trust that from here on out, my friendships will be healthy and meaningful.

I pray that I will never be lonely again!

Learning to Hear NO's! I Have Boundary Issues...

As a former athlete and avid sports lover, I am all too familiar with the term Boundaries. I played various sports on a variety of playing fields, all having established boundaries and rules for play. To play outside of those boundaries was to commit a foul, resulting in a penalty in some form or fashion that could lead to a Loss! I understand and respect these boundaries in athletics, why can’t I understand and respect them when it comes to my interpersonal relationships?

I know that Boundary Issues are just one of the many issues we as Adult Survivors of any form of abuse suffer from. How I relate and operate is a by-product of my childhood abuse. It should never be an EXCUSE though, to keep violating and operating in unhealthy unbalanced ways with others! I recently had a situation brought to my attention by a dear friend. This person is someone, whom I continually overstep my boundaries with because of my own selfishness, wants, and needs. Do I respect this person? If they truly matter to me, then why do I disregard their requests and the affects my actions will have on them? They are respecting me and not trying to hurt me! Why can’t I abide within my friends comfort zone? Why do they have to keep reminding me over and over again, that I have crossed that imaginary line, which they have so clearly drawn in the sand for me?

To love and care about another whether it be in a relationship or friendship is to respect one another’s boundaries, thoughts and feelings. To play and operated within their comfort zone, their parameters. Playing outside those lines and not abiding by the rules will eventually lead to a loss! Continually acting in ways another has specifically expressed will lead to the loss of trust; respect not only from the person, but for you as well, equality and eventually, the friendship. In others words, you will lose the game by not following the rules.

My deprivation and abandonment in my youth has impacted me with inappropriate relational issues with others stemming from childhood physical and sexual abuse. I was never respected in my abuse, therefore I don’t ever expect to be respected by another, and in turn I don’t respect them either, when I fail to hear their “NO”, when it comes to their interpersonal boundary and what is comfortable with them.

One of the major effects of childhood physical and sexual abuse is having difficulty setting and maintaining personal boundaries. When a child is violated, there sense of self and others is violated as well. In my childhood I was physically, mentally and sexually abused by the age of five. My Boundaries and were violated so profoundly then, that I never learned them. They were repeatedly violated for the span of 14 years. My feelings were discounted and regarded with disdain. My father never respected my NO, so in turn; I never learned to set any boundaries for myself or learn to respect another person’s NO either.

The survivor of childhood sexual abuse is unable to recognize someone else’s boundaries. We learned early on that being abused is just the way the world IS. Having been denied the right to say NO and set appropriate boundaries for ourselves! I have failed miserably in recognizing another’s. Also, there may be an element of vindictiveness within me, since I had no choice in the matter, why should anyone else have one. Why are they so important? Why do they get to say No? Why?.. Because they matter! Just as you should have mattered at the time of your abuse!

I have never set personal boundaries for myself and I continually fail to respect the personal boundaries of others. I have tremendous difficulty in following the rules! So as an adult Survivor of childhood abuse I have gone through much of my life in a daze, never feeling strongly about anything, except my Faith, Family and Friends. In my personal healing I found that I had a difficult time feeling what I was feeling and recognizing how my selfish actions affected others. This too, is a trait my father displayed and I unconsciously incorporated into my Adult Relational Skills.

I have no clue how to operate within them. Personal boundaries are important in promoting a healthy balance and equality in relationships. They are beneficial in preserving the self apart from others. The other night I acted impulsively, giving no thought as to how my actions would seem to others. I was only looking at myself once again, not looking ahead as to how it would affect my friend and their emotions. Do I respect them? Do I hold what they say and how they feel dear? Does what makes them comfortable matter to me? YES IT DOES!

How long can I expect my friend or anyone else for that matter, to keep being patient, keep ignoring their own boundaries for the sake of me? I have no right to ask and to keep violating that person’s wishes and request. I have been selfish and I have seen the light. I don’t want to lose this game with my friend! I not only don’t want lose this one but any other due to not respecting their boundaries.

Recognizing that you have an issue is always the first step in conquering it. I have recognized this before years ago, but I have fallen into a rut again because of my own selfishness. I am determined to pull myself out though and to gain a deeper understanding as to why I discount another’s personal space. The more tools I have in my tool belt, the more effectively I will conquer yet another demon from the past. I pray my friend will continue to be patient as I prove to them my dedication to getting well from my past, not only for them and preserving the friendship; but for Future, Myself and My life.

I will WIN this Game!

Comfortable in Chaos

As an adult survivor of severe physical, mental, and emotional abuse, sexual molestation, and rape, I was constantly subjected, involved or a witness to everyday chaos in my home environment. There was no such thing as “Normal” in my household, and every day was filled with constant anxiety and fear for when the next horrifying event was going to happen. At that time, I did not realize how dysfunctional things were, I did not know that it was odd or strange to have every conversation or interaction end either in a fist fight/beating or a verbal altercation so damaging, it would take the paint off your skin.

What is Normal? Conforming to the standard or the common type, usual, not abnormal; regular, natural .

What is Chaos? The state of utter confusion, lacking any order or organization. -Dictionary.com.

Well, in an odd sense, my childhood was normal; I learned to conform to the standard, common regular traumatic daily events occurring. This was my “Normal” throughout my entire young and teen life. I did not know that these situations were wrong and abusive. I thought all families lived like this, at least when I was younger. I realized by age 10 that my family was severely “Messed Up!”

Every day was spent on guard, waiting for the next damaging or horrific event to occur. I learned to be hyper-vigilant, always in a fight or flight state, always scanning my environment for danger and adopt danger avoiding behaviors. Children who are raised in a physically, emotionally or sexually abusive environment live in a state of chaos. “Walking on Eggshells,” just waiting for the next event. This creates a pervasive fear, a common core belief developed by children in this situation is, “something bad is always going to happen.”


As adult survivors, we learned very early unacceptable ways of communication, coping, reacting, thinking and interacting with others. As most psychologists will concur, what happens during those first years of development has a strong influence later on in life. When children are exposed to adverse situations, such as violence and abuse, the outcomes of that play a significant role later in life and how we react.
In a normal, loving, nurturing environment where the child feels safe, protected and secure they grow up believing they are “Lovable” and that “People can be Trusted” and “The world is a safe place.”

I grew up believing just the opposite, that I am “Unworthy of Love or Good things in my life”; “Nobody can be Trusted”; “The World is a cruel/unsafe place,” and “Something bad is always going to happen!”
We learned our coping skills in a dysfunctional environment and carry them with us into the adult world, where they simply do not work! We have been so “Normal” in functioning in Chaos because it is all we have ever known. We interact with others; react to situations, display anger and outrage in very unacceptable, “Abnormal” ways. We often sabotage any happiness and relationship we do find, or when circumstances and issues in life are going smoothly because the dysfunctionalism is much more familiar, we can cope and deal with crisis better. Sometimes we do this unintentionally. We learned early that hopelessness, and haplessness was how we often felt and how life should be lived-In a constant state of Chaos and agony. I know I feel unworthy at times to have anything “Good” happen in my life. I often feel that I am unworthy of love and acceptance by others.

It is easy for me to reverting back into old patterns of thinking, interacting with friends/loved ones, emotions, and self-destructive actions. I have had to unlearn these negative coping skills that were engrained patterns from my youth. It is a constant daily battle not to let emotional triggers or stressful situations affect my life. My insane coping skills were taught at such a young age that things that are natural and normal to me, others find crazy and weird. When I am emotional and distraught the familiar mechanisms of coping come rushing back into my life and if not recognized immediately, will take hold causing irrational thinking and behaviors to surface. To the average person who did not grow up in chaos, they don’t understand the constant battle adult survivors of abuse suffer from. We seem abnormal and never thankful or content with the good in our lives. We think that at any moment that security can be ripped away, so rather than wait for the inevitable to happen we self-sabotage because the chaos and crisis feels and seems normal to us! We know how to operate, cope and adapt to chaos and crisis environments because it has been all we have ever known. We have no idea, until we have healed, and have learned positive coping skills by putting them in to daily practice, how to function “Normally” in society.

I am learning that I am worthy of “Great” things happening in my life. I am worthy of love, appreciation and value by others. I do not have to live in a constant state of chaos and crisis because it is physically, emotionally and mentally draining. I have learned to cognitively realize that those childhood belief no longer apply in my adult life or environment. I will not sabotage the positive good things in my life and will be surer to enjoy them when they are there. Happiness is not a feeling; it’s a state of mind, where you are content in whatsoever circumstance you’re in. Knowing and trusting that the Lord has “Got This.” I will not create crisis and chaos in my life!

Surviving Until Thriving

Many times throughout my life I have been told by friends, “You’re just living and surviving, you not thriving in life.” After I would hear these comments echoed in my ears and mind, I would dismiss them thinking to myself, you have no idea what surviving really even means, so don’t tell me I need to thrive. Back when I was younger and in the midst of my most intense healing. I did not know how to thrive; I was barely surviving one day at a time, and even, one minute at a time most days. All of my life has been a constant struggle. I do not recall one time when I was truly “Thriving” in this world and felt happy until just recently with the completion of my first book. It was here that I totally released the past from its hold on my present. I was told just recently, that in order to be able to publically share my story with the world is a testament to my courage, strength and Healing! For myself, I believe you have to take active steps in overcoming all the baggage and junk that attaches itself to you in being the victim of childhood abuse and trauma. While you are in the healing process, all you can do is survive. Trying to understand and regain your sense of self-worth and value. Unlearning negative, destructive behaviors and patterns from the past is intense work and carries with it, much emotional instability. I don’t know too many people who can thrive when they are in the midst of hell, such as this. Only other survivors understand this. Those people and friends in your life, who have not endured any childhood abuse, find it natural and easy to cope. But to the Adult Survivor of childhood trauma, life is very unnatural and hard due to the many underlying issues us as Adult Survivors face. To us it is a horrible, daunting uphill climb to reach the simple pleasures and ease that others have in enjoying life. Thriving comes naturally, after years of actively working through the issues and regaining “Self”. I really hate it when someone, who has no idea what an Adult Survivor of childhood abuse goes through, says comments such as: “you just need to “let it go”; “Quit dwelling on it so much.” Well I did “let it all go”, when I was 19yrs old. I dismissed my past and pretended the events from childhood never happened. I was in denial, and “Letting Things Go”, is unrealistic advice. No matter how hard you let the past pains go, those tucked away issues will always resurface in some form or fashion, until you actively seek help and deal with them one by one. This takes years and cannot easily be healed just by forgetting, disassociating and denying the past. There is no magic wand in healing! My Issues from childhood were these: • Poor Self Esteem & Self Loathing • Fear of Rejection • Relationships/Intimacy • Disassociation • Anxiety • Trust • Greif • Guilt & Shame • Anger • Self-Destructiveness • Loneliness • Co-Dependence • Depression • Idealization • Boundaries Healing and Thriving doesn’t mean that past issues will never resurface in our daily lives again, but when they do, you can quickly deal with the temporary emotion, thoughts or triggers, and then constructively compartmentalize them and “Move On,” refusing to remain “stuck” in the experience for long. Thriving means pulling yourself right back out when you start to revert back into unhealthy coping patterns and thinking. To me, thriving does not mean “tip toeing through the tulips” or turning cartwheels constantly either. I believe it’s about being free and not held a captive to the past, staying in that same despairing place you once were. It is reaching, stretching and growing forward. Reclaiming your life and still dealing with the pain, but not “focusing” on it anymore! I have chosen to transform the negative events from my childhood trauma into positive attributes. I have compassion, understanding, tenderness, empathy, sympathy, loyalty, honesty, integrity and forgiveness. I am continually moving forward and I refuse to just stay “Stuck in Survivor mode”. I have learned to Triumph through the Trauma! “I am not where I want to be, but Praise God I am not where I USE to be!” – Joyce Myer

Emotional Neediness

I was recently told by a dear friend that my neediness is sometimes overwhelming and frustrating to deal with. She seemed angry that my interactions or texts with her and others sometimes seem desperate, where I look unsure,unconfident,and helpless. I asked her why this bothered her so much and she said, “Because I don’t want others to see you as this needy helpless person. You should have more pride and respect for yourself.” Her concern was not selfish but spoken to help me see my actions and be a better person and act differently. Since this conversation my Neediness has been on my mind. I am a confident person most of the time but when life circumstances or emotional swings occur all I hear in my head, are these words, yelled at me by my father throughout my entire childhood; “Your fat, stupid, ugly, never going to amount to anything.” Those words, no matter how desperately I try to prove wrong, seem to surface constantly, especially in my interactions with friends. I do have denial and although I pride myself on being a very unselfish person, when it comes to my emotional needs being met I do tend to become very selfish with others at times, especially when I start to panic, and I want them to make me “Feel Better.” It is not my friends, family or anyone else’s responsibility to make ME feel, Loved, Appreciated, Accepted, or Valued. I must! I am the only person who can. These emotional needs stem from my lack of self-esteem, which was shattered, due to my childhood abuse and abandonment. I never see myself as a victim, however these traits are ingrained in the Adult Survivor and unless they are seriously dealt with by a professional and brought to light, the consequences WILL lead to many failed relationships and the loss of important people in your life. My major fear is “Rejection,” and that fear makes my behavior irrational at times. I interpret events or actions by other in the context of this fear. It is then processed and filtered through my anxiety and I quickly start to panic. I am usually unaware that I am being needy with people as these are habits and tendencies ingrained in me from childhood. I then think and act irrationally and become NEEDY! Neediness is a weakness and I know I rely on my friends for much of my support, I always have and especially in high school, they were ALL I had. My family was not where I gained any emotional support or stability. It is where it was torn apart by my father’s extreme abuse. I have taken this pattern into my adult life and until the other day; I have never really had someone hold a mirror in front of myself, causing me to not like what I see regarding my neediness. My friend has mentioned this before, but until the other day I dismissed her comments and continued to be selfish in my needs. I should never let anyone control my worth and happiness. I am the only person, through God’s love and tender healing that can build me up. It is okay for someone to make me happy, but they cannot be my only source. I cannot get angry or upset when they are not around, demanding their time or constant interactions. Those people will soon feel guilty, obligated and eventually they may even become resentful towards you because you are just “Too Much.” Neediness also stems from lack of trust. As an Adult survivor of abuse I have tremendous trust issues and fear that I am not good enough for anyone. I feel that I am always the inferior person in whatever the relationship and I then take on the needy role. I am not a weak person, and in fact many of my friends have said in some form or fashion that, “You are the strongest person I have ever met.” If I am so strong then why am I needy and appear weak? Even though I don’t want to be in denial or make any excuses regarding this, I do carry “baggage” from my less than perfect childhood. I pray my friends; family will understand that I am a work in progress that I am actively pursuing change and to relate on healthy levels of equals with those I hold dear. I am not inferior, I am not weak, and I am not in need of someone else to make me feel better about myself. An analogy I read that has really helped me in gauging my interactions with friends is viewing conversations and interactions with others as a game of Tennis. You initiate contact; you hit the ball into their court and wait for its return. You don’t start to immediately panic, thinking they don’t like you or you’re not important enough for them to respond timely back towards you, when that ball is not hit back directly. They may be very busy, have many obligations, dealing with issues themselves or because, you are bothering them too much, becoming a nuisance, an energy zapper rather than a friend! There are days when we all feel vulnerable and crave encouragement. Where we need to vent our feelings or just need someone to tell us how special and wonderful we are. There is nothing wrong with that. But if we require such affirmations continuously, then those relationships and friendships will soon crumble because people do not like to be so needed by another all the time. I know I don’t like that either and it amazes me that the very thing I really can’t stand about someone else, is within me. Starting today I am actively aware now of my tendencies and will change this destructive pattern. I am growing every day and I am thankful I have true friends who do actually care by sharing with me the truth regarding my unhealthy actions instead of just walking away or bailing on me! I am thankful for my friend who shared this with me not to hurt me but to help me be a better person and friend! I am not helpless!

Abandonment Issues...

I remember one Sunday afternoon all of my family and I piled in the car for an afternoon drive. On occasion, when my father was in a good mood and relatively stable, we would go to the local Ice Cream Parlor and get milkshakes then take a long scenic drive in the country. I look forward to them as it was usually a fun time and I Loved "Milkshakes!" Who Doesn't? On this particular day as we were driving I don't recall exactly what I said or did but my father stops the car on this desolate country road and pushes me out of the car. I immediately think to myself, "This must be a joke or something." It was no Joke! He slams the car door and then continues down the road with my family, leaving me abandoned and all alone on the side of the road. I stand there for what seems like an eternity gazing in the direction my family followed eagerly awaiting to see the car turn back around and come and rescue me. The car was nowhere in sight. I began walking back in the opposite direction as I had an idea as to where this road led. As I was walking I started to panic, tears streamed down my face, my heart was racing and my breathing out of control. I then started a slight jog and then a full blown sprint. Running as fast as my legs would carry me. I don’t recall how long I was on that side of the road, alone and frightened but I do know it was for at least a half an hour. There is a lot of panic and stress that can occur within that time frame. My mother says she pleaded for my father to turn around and so did my siblings. He would not. But eventually, after he assumed I had suffered enough he did come back for me. That scenario and the countless others I endured as a child left me feeling abandoned and not protected by those who were supposed to be my protectors. I do not blame my Mother; she was at the mercy of my father on many occasions. She tried her best to protect and care for us, but she too was a victim of sever Domestic Violence and often was fighting for her life as well. As an adult I have a fear of Abandonment and Rejection that is overwhelming most of the time. I know the emotions and thoughts and I try desperately to take every thought captive to the knowledge and obedience of Jesus Christ, but often I succumb re-creating the experience of being abandoned in my relationships. I am scared of connecting with people on any level for fear they will run away! If the relationship is of great importance to me the greater the risk and more is at stake which then leads me to act unhealthy in the relationship. I try to control them; I am hyper-vigilant for anything they do that appears as withdrawal and constantly seek reassurance that they are not going to leave me. Most people who are unfamiliar with how the effects of child abuse damage the adult with almost every area of relating in relationships, emotions, thoughts, self-esteem and will run! They see our behavior as “Weird” and “Crazy”, when all we are trying to do is ensure that they love us back, care for us and will stand by our side no matter what. I have driven many close friendships and relationships away because of these behaviors. I am learning to live in the present with my Relationships and not look into the future where fear and the unknown reside. I am learning to accept the Relationships/Friendships where they are presently are and not focus on the gamble of them leaving me. It is a hard lesson to learn and I have lost a lot of meaningful people in my life as a result of my fear of Abandonment. It is a never-ending process and one that I have yet to master. It is part of the recovery, part of self-examination. I want desperately to have people who love me in my life, but the fear and rejection is so strong that it is a constant battle. In a few select friendships, I have managed to trust by them proving they are people who will “Stick”. Those successes help me to strive again in trying to build positive Relationships. I want friends/relationships and desperately need them in my life. An amazing quote by C.S. Lewis that I used in my book sums up how I feel regarding people and friendships: “Friendship is unnecessary, like Philosophy, Like Art. It has no survival value; Rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”