Comfortable in Chaos

As an adult survivor of severe physical, mental, and emotional abuse, sexual molestation, and rape, I was constantly subjected, involved or a witness to everyday chaos in my home environment. There was no such thing as “Normal” in my household, and every day was filled with constant anxiety and fear for when the next horrifying event was going to happen. At that time, I did not realize how dysfunctional things were, I did not know that it was odd or strange to have every conversation or interaction end either in a fist fight/beating or a verbal altercation so damaging, it would take the paint off your skin.

What is Normal? Conforming to the standard or the common type, usual, not abnormal; regular, natural .

What is Chaos? The state of utter confusion, lacking any order or organization. -Dictionary.com.

Well, in an odd sense, my childhood was normal; I learned to conform to the standard, common regular traumatic daily events occurring. This was my “Normal” throughout my entire young and teen life. I did not know that these situations were wrong and abusive. I thought all families lived like this, at least when I was younger. I realized by age 10 that my family was severely “Messed Up!”

Every day was spent on guard, waiting for the next damaging or horrific event to occur. I learned to be hyper-vigilant, always in a fight or flight state, always scanning my environment for danger and adopt danger avoiding behaviors. Children who are raised in a physically, emotionally or sexually abusive environment live in a state of chaos. “Walking on Eggshells,” just waiting for the next event. This creates a pervasive fear, a common core belief developed by children in this situation is, “something bad is always going to happen.”


As adult survivors, we learned very early unacceptable ways of communication, coping, reacting, thinking and interacting with others. As most psychologists will concur, what happens during those first years of development has a strong influence later on in life. When children are exposed to adverse situations, such as violence and abuse, the outcomes of that play a significant role later in life and how we react.
In a normal, loving, nurturing environment where the child feels safe, protected and secure they grow up believing they are “Lovable” and that “People can be Trusted” and “The world is a safe place.”

I grew up believing just the opposite, that I am “Unworthy of Love or Good things in my life”; “Nobody can be Trusted”; “The World is a cruel/unsafe place,” and “Something bad is always going to happen!”
We learned our coping skills in a dysfunctional environment and carry them with us into the adult world, where they simply do not work! We have been so “Normal” in functioning in Chaos because it is all we have ever known. We interact with others; react to situations, display anger and outrage in very unacceptable, “Abnormal” ways. We often sabotage any happiness and relationship we do find, or when circumstances and issues in life are going smoothly because the dysfunctionalism is much more familiar, we can cope and deal with crisis better. Sometimes we do this unintentionally. We learned early that hopelessness, and haplessness was how we often felt and how life should be lived-In a constant state of Chaos and agony. I know I feel unworthy at times to have anything “Good” happen in my life. I often feel that I am unworthy of love and acceptance by others.

It is easy for me to reverting back into old patterns of thinking, interacting with friends/loved ones, emotions, and self-destructive actions. I have had to unlearn these negative coping skills that were engrained patterns from my youth. It is a constant daily battle not to let emotional triggers or stressful situations affect my life. My insane coping skills were taught at such a young age that things that are natural and normal to me, others find crazy and weird. When I am emotional and distraught the familiar mechanisms of coping come rushing back into my life and if not recognized immediately, will take hold causing irrational thinking and behaviors to surface. To the average person who did not grow up in chaos, they don’t understand the constant battle adult survivors of abuse suffer from. We seem abnormal and never thankful or content with the good in our lives. We think that at any moment that security can be ripped away, so rather than wait for the inevitable to happen we self-sabotage because the chaos and crisis feels and seems normal to us! We know how to operate, cope and adapt to chaos and crisis environments because it has been all we have ever known. We have no idea, until we have healed, and have learned positive coping skills by putting them in to daily practice, how to function “Normally” in society.

I am learning that I am worthy of “Great” things happening in my life. I am worthy of love, appreciation and value by others. I do not have to live in a constant state of chaos and crisis because it is physically, emotionally and mentally draining. I have learned to cognitively realize that those childhood belief no longer apply in my adult life or environment. I will not sabotage the positive good things in my life and will be surer to enjoy them when they are there. Happiness is not a feeling; it’s a state of mind, where you are content in whatsoever circumstance you’re in. Knowing and trusting that the Lord has “Got This.” I will not create crisis and chaos in my life!

Surviving Until Thriving

Many times throughout my life I have been told by friends, “You’re just living and surviving, you not thriving in life.” After I would hear these comments echoed in my ears and mind, I would dismiss them thinking to myself, you have no idea what surviving really even means, so don’t tell me I need to thrive. Back when I was younger and in the midst of my most intense healing. I did not know how to thrive; I was barely surviving one day at a time, and even, one minute at a time most days. All of my life has been a constant struggle. I do not recall one time when I was truly “Thriving” in this world and felt happy until just recently with the completion of my first book. It was here that I totally released the past from its hold on my present. I was told just recently, that in order to be able to publically share my story with the world is a testament to my courage, strength and Healing! For myself, I believe you have to take active steps in overcoming all the baggage and junk that attaches itself to you in being the victim of childhood abuse and trauma. While you are in the healing process, all you can do is survive. Trying to understand and regain your sense of self-worth and value. Unlearning negative, destructive behaviors and patterns from the past is intense work and carries with it, much emotional instability. I don’t know too many people who can thrive when they are in the midst of hell, such as this. Only other survivors understand this. Those people and friends in your life, who have not endured any childhood abuse, find it natural and easy to cope. But to the Adult Survivor of childhood trauma, life is very unnatural and hard due to the many underlying issues us as Adult Survivors face. To us it is a horrible, daunting uphill climb to reach the simple pleasures and ease that others have in enjoying life. Thriving comes naturally, after years of actively working through the issues and regaining “Self”. I really hate it when someone, who has no idea what an Adult Survivor of childhood abuse goes through, says comments such as: “you just need to “let it go”; “Quit dwelling on it so much.” Well I did “let it all go”, when I was 19yrs old. I dismissed my past and pretended the events from childhood never happened. I was in denial, and “Letting Things Go”, is unrealistic advice. No matter how hard you let the past pains go, those tucked away issues will always resurface in some form or fashion, until you actively seek help and deal with them one by one. This takes years and cannot easily be healed just by forgetting, disassociating and denying the past. There is no magic wand in healing! My Issues from childhood were these: • Poor Self Esteem & Self Loathing • Fear of Rejection • Relationships/Intimacy • Disassociation • Anxiety • Trust • Greif • Guilt & Shame • Anger • Self-Destructiveness • Loneliness • Co-Dependence • Depression • Idealization • Boundaries Healing and Thriving doesn’t mean that past issues will never resurface in our daily lives again, but when they do, you can quickly deal with the temporary emotion, thoughts or triggers, and then constructively compartmentalize them and “Move On,” refusing to remain “stuck” in the experience for long. Thriving means pulling yourself right back out when you start to revert back into unhealthy coping patterns and thinking. To me, thriving does not mean “tip toeing through the tulips” or turning cartwheels constantly either. I believe it’s about being free and not held a captive to the past, staying in that same despairing place you once were. It is reaching, stretching and growing forward. Reclaiming your life and still dealing with the pain, but not “focusing” on it anymore! I have chosen to transform the negative events from my childhood trauma into positive attributes. I have compassion, understanding, tenderness, empathy, sympathy, loyalty, honesty, integrity and forgiveness. I am continually moving forward and I refuse to just stay “Stuck in Survivor mode”. I have learned to Triumph through the Trauma! “I am not where I want to be, but Praise God I am not where I USE to be!” – Joyce Myer

Emotional Neediness

I was recently told by a dear friend that my neediness is sometimes overwhelming and frustrating to deal with. She seemed angry that my interactions or texts with her and others sometimes seem desperate, where I look unsure,unconfident,and helpless. I asked her why this bothered her so much and she said, “Because I don’t want others to see you as this needy helpless person. You should have more pride and respect for yourself.” Her concern was not selfish but spoken to help me see my actions and be a better person and act differently. Since this conversation my Neediness has been on my mind. I am a confident person most of the time but when life circumstances or emotional swings occur all I hear in my head, are these words, yelled at me by my father throughout my entire childhood; “Your fat, stupid, ugly, never going to amount to anything.” Those words, no matter how desperately I try to prove wrong, seem to surface constantly, especially in my interactions with friends. I do have denial and although I pride myself on being a very unselfish person, when it comes to my emotional needs being met I do tend to become very selfish with others at times, especially when I start to panic, and I want them to make me “Feel Better.” It is not my friends, family or anyone else’s responsibility to make ME feel, Loved, Appreciated, Accepted, or Valued. I must! I am the only person who can. These emotional needs stem from my lack of self-esteem, which was shattered, due to my childhood abuse and abandonment. I never see myself as a victim, however these traits are ingrained in the Adult Survivor and unless they are seriously dealt with by a professional and brought to light, the consequences WILL lead to many failed relationships and the loss of important people in your life. My major fear is “Rejection,” and that fear makes my behavior irrational at times. I interpret events or actions by other in the context of this fear. It is then processed and filtered through my anxiety and I quickly start to panic. I am usually unaware that I am being needy with people as these are habits and tendencies ingrained in me from childhood. I then think and act irrationally and become NEEDY! Neediness is a weakness and I know I rely on my friends for much of my support, I always have and especially in high school, they were ALL I had. My family was not where I gained any emotional support or stability. It is where it was torn apart by my father’s extreme abuse. I have taken this pattern into my adult life and until the other day; I have never really had someone hold a mirror in front of myself, causing me to not like what I see regarding my neediness. My friend has mentioned this before, but until the other day I dismissed her comments and continued to be selfish in my needs. I should never let anyone control my worth and happiness. I am the only person, through God’s love and tender healing that can build me up. It is okay for someone to make me happy, but they cannot be my only source. I cannot get angry or upset when they are not around, demanding their time or constant interactions. Those people will soon feel guilty, obligated and eventually they may even become resentful towards you because you are just “Too Much.” Neediness also stems from lack of trust. As an Adult survivor of abuse I have tremendous trust issues and fear that I am not good enough for anyone. I feel that I am always the inferior person in whatever the relationship and I then take on the needy role. I am not a weak person, and in fact many of my friends have said in some form or fashion that, “You are the strongest person I have ever met.” If I am so strong then why am I needy and appear weak? Even though I don’t want to be in denial or make any excuses regarding this, I do carry “baggage” from my less than perfect childhood. I pray my friends; family will understand that I am a work in progress that I am actively pursuing change and to relate on healthy levels of equals with those I hold dear. I am not inferior, I am not weak, and I am not in need of someone else to make me feel better about myself. An analogy I read that has really helped me in gauging my interactions with friends is viewing conversations and interactions with others as a game of Tennis. You initiate contact; you hit the ball into their court and wait for its return. You don’t start to immediately panic, thinking they don’t like you or you’re not important enough for them to respond timely back towards you, when that ball is not hit back directly. They may be very busy, have many obligations, dealing with issues themselves or because, you are bothering them too much, becoming a nuisance, an energy zapper rather than a friend! There are days when we all feel vulnerable and crave encouragement. Where we need to vent our feelings or just need someone to tell us how special and wonderful we are. There is nothing wrong with that. But if we require such affirmations continuously, then those relationships and friendships will soon crumble because people do not like to be so needed by another all the time. I know I don’t like that either and it amazes me that the very thing I really can’t stand about someone else, is within me. Starting today I am actively aware now of my tendencies and will change this destructive pattern. I am growing every day and I am thankful I have true friends who do actually care by sharing with me the truth regarding my unhealthy actions instead of just walking away or bailing on me! I am thankful for my friend who shared this with me not to hurt me but to help me be a better person and friend! I am not helpless!