I have always loved Christmas! It is my favorite time of the year! Thanksgiving and Christmas are wonderful holidays. A time of being thankful, magical excitement, gatherings, parties, holiday music, and Christian plays and concerts. It is that time of the year where everyone seems to be happy and giving. Unfortunately, for many adult survivors of abuse spending time with family, friends and traveling back home to past environments that once caused us so much agony and pain can be a dreadful time of the year. How do we, that have so much baggage from the past, survive the holidays? It is not the most wonderful time of the year for many survivors! Instead it is a time filled with dread, anxiety, fear and depression. It can stem from painfully hard memories such as I have or from revisiting abusers and environments where the initial pain from childhood occurred.
I am grateful that I can now enjoy the holiday season without many of the regrets I once had. When I was younger after I moved from home and would go to visit I was always excited. I looked forward to seeing my mother and my siblings but dreaded the interactions I would have with my father. None-the-less, I looked forward to seeing my family. It came at a great price usually. After my visit home I would return and be a complete and total mess reverting back into the fear of my childhood. I would have so much anger and rage that I lashed out in many situations and with friends. It would take weeks for me to level out and regain some normalcy in relating and functioning again. I did not know it at the time but what I had experienced was a “Triggering” from revisiting the environment in which so many horrors resided. It took me some time to realize that the fear and emotional trauma resurfaced from the PTSD I suffered as a child. I have learned to deal with the triggers more effectively today and they don’t rock my world like they use to earlier in my healing journey.
The holidays are full of tragic events for me that have taken many years to reach a place where I can actually look forward and enjoy them now. As I have grown in my healing it has become much easier to go back to my home town for visits and see people and places that were once very painful. To share the most triggering events for me from my past is important to show others that even with horrific situations and memories, that you too can reach a point of peace and joy for the holiday season and regain that magic you once had in your youth.
On Christmas morning when I was twelve my next door neighbor was killed in a tragic house fire. She was an elderly woman and due to the extreme frigid temperatures, the space heater caught fire. In my book, “Shards of Glass,” I recount the details of that day and the everlasting scars that seared me so personally. Whether I consciously or subconsciously want to remember or not, those vivid images flash back into my thoughts every Christmas day, and at some point I always remember my neighbor and that fateful Christmas day in 1981.
Thanksgiving was also a rough time of the year until I realized I was not responsible for the “What If’s” or “I should Have,” for this one particular memory. I had a very dear friend’s sister, whom I knew very well commit suicide exactly one week prior. Katelyn and her sister were like family to me at the time. Katelyn’s sister had been struggling with severe depression for months prior to the day she decided she just couldn’t go on. I tired the best I could with Sara Lisa to offer support, advice, and just listen to her pain. Her family was concerned but had no idea the deep level of depression Sara Lisa was suffering from. I was with Katelyn the day she would speak with her sister for the very last time. I remember that when Katelyn hung up the phone her stating that she just got a really weird call from Sara Lisa. I asked her why it was weird and she said, “Because Sara Lisa told me how much she loved me and that she would always love me. She never says that.” I remember thinking for a split second that Sara Lisa was in trouble but quickly shrugged it off. Soon afterwards, I was driving home and thought of stopping by Sara Lisa’s apartment to check in on her. I wish I had, because a short time after that phone call she took a gun and ended her life. I have always felt that if I would have stopped by and went with my gut feeling that Sara Lisa would still be alive today. That year Thanksgiving was significantly horrible and void of any meaning. I was numb from grief and had no clue how to help my friend cope with her tremendous loss. We would later have a falling out because of the intense grief Katelyn was suffering from.
I haven’t visited New York for either Thanksgiving or Christmas in 10 years. The last time I was there it was especially memorable and devastating. It is marked with great regret and guilt even to this day. Overall that year in 2003 it was a pleasant time of visiting family and friends. My father was on his best behavior for the most part and there was not much drama. The event that hurt me the most and causes severe regret today was an intense fight that occurred between my brother and me. We had gone out to the area pub to reconnect and reminisce with old friends. It was a wonderful time of laughing, joking and holiday cocktails. Unfortunately, afterwards it turned ugly rather quickly and we had an intense fight over something I don’t even recall today. There were many harsh words slung back and forth and afterwards I remember racing up to my room and just crying like a baby. I was so badly triggered and hurt by the fight. Thankfully the next day we reconciled and things between us returned to normal. I left to travel back home new year’s eve. Three days after that fight, my life would be forever altered as my dear and only brother was killed in a car accident devastating us all. The regret of having that fight just 3 days before his death and it happening over the Christmas and New Year’s holiday has always left a deep scar.
It is still a stressful time for me and my family causing me pressure and anxiety. The loss of my brother is amplified because the lack of his presence is so noticeable, riddled with memories, regret, remorse, guilt, anger and depression. It has taken almost ten years to find some sense of peace, excitement and courage to even want to celebrate my favorite time of the year again. It has been through great healing from the pain and my faith in the Lord that I have learned to anticipate and enjoy the holiday season. I denied myself that right for years feeling like I would be doing a disgrace to be happy after my brother’s, neighbor’s and friend’s deaths.
For the adult survivor other significant holidays and days such as birthdays or anniversaries can be a very painful time when memories reemerge. Survivors want to sometimes retreat and not participate in holiday functions. It is vitally important that each of us be kind and takes care of ourselves in the decisions we make regarding the holidays. If you know a survivor of childhood abuse, check up on them. Invite them to celebrations and try to include them. I know sometimes I want to retreat and hide but I also want to be included and feel loved with invites and thoughtful gestures. Someone may be hurting and you may be that person who can offer that love and security that they need.
My advice to all of us out there is to remember to honor ourselves and don’t abandon your right to feel happy over the holidays. It is ok to celebrate and to be vigilant so as not to be violated or threatened in anyway when we’re around those past environments or people. Remember you are not a child anymore and you have the power to step out of harm’s way anytime you feel uncomfortable or threatened. You have the right and power now to protect yourself and say “NO” if it doesn’t feel right. Take others who you feel “Safe” with and trust with you to visit family and places that could be potential triggers. My last advice is to stay sober and have a clear head. Alcohol can be the catalyst for arguments and the loss of restraint, resulting in situations that could have otherwise been avoided.
I share a little of the tragedy from my life and especially around the holidays to offer hope that there is always a way through. That no matter what you have endured from the past or are currently going through, that over time – you can heal. You can reach a point where even the most severe, devastating pain does not completely control your emotions. You can find meaning and happiness again.
I am not an expert on how to survive the holidays but I know what works for me and how I have coped with them. I still feel a huge relief after Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s and the death date of my brother, (January 3rd), has passed. I don’t know if I will ever fully be able to have the wonderment and excitement for the holidays that I once had but I promise you that I am going to give it 100% every holiday season to enjoy what I have in front of me and the people I still have in my life, celebrating the joy of the season and of my dear saviors birth!
I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Healing New Year.
Shards of Glass “From Tragedy and Trauma Comes Redemption and Triumph!” https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Domestic Violence - A tribute to My beautiful courageous mother!
In honor of October being Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I wanted to share briefly with the world my story and the wonderful, strong, determined and courageous mother I am BLESSED with.
I witnessed my first act of violence on my Mother when I was only 4 years old. I was in the living room playing and I heard my parents arguing. All the sudden, I heard this loud Pop and my mom crying out in sheer agony and pain. When I looked into the kitchen, there was a pool of blood that covered the entire kitchen floor. I remember thinking to myself, “Oh My God, my dad just killed my Mommy!”
He in fact did not kill her that day, nor would he ever! But that bloody afternoon, he did break her nose leaving me with a horrific memory that is forever etched in my mind when I share my story of abuse. There were so many other occasions that he did come very close with his ruthless attacks and I am so thankful the Lord was protecting!
I endured much physical abuse at the hands of my father throughout my entire childhood until I was able to leave the home on my own accord. If I had never experienced the extreme physical, mental, emotional and the sexual abuse at all from him, what I witnessed and saw with every brutal blow to my Mother was enough to shatter my world! Those vicious attacks left internal scars, PTSD, fears, tremendous anxiety and abandonment issues that I still carry with me today in my adult life.
My mother is my true hero in this life. She was physically, mentally, emotionally abused and molested by a family friend as a child. She suffered mercilessly at the hands of her mentally sick father, my grandfather who I never knew. He died of Huntington’s disease before I was born. She grew up in a home with 9 Siblings and it was a situation where the children raised and fended for themselves. In her childhood, she had no sense of love or security. As a result of her abusive childhood, her self-esteem was shattered and all she wanted was to find a loving man and raise a “Normal” family, contrary to the one she grew up in.
As fate would have it though, she would be placed in the path of one of the most psychotic, violent, abusive and enraged men I have ever known, who just happened to be my father.
Just when she thought she had found “The One,” the man who would take her away from all the tragedy and horror of her childhood, she would quickly realize that her “Hell” had just begun; and for the next 20 years, she would still have to battle, fight and survive, not only for just her livelihood, but now for the lives of her four children.
If not for the courageous and fighting spirit of my mother I would not be alive today. She intervened on more occasions than I care, or can even remember when my father was severely abusing my sister or myself. Our abuse was not limited to time or place either. Whenever my father had a “Fit of Rage” one of us three would be his primary target. Our beatings did not last for moments either, they lasted for minutes, upon minutes turning into segments of an entire night. He would not just beat you and then move on. He would be relentless! Some of the worst memories I have are when his violent attacks were endless going into the wee hours of the night. This is where my sister, mom or I were being brutally attacked and hunted down by my father outside in the dark. We would all try to intervene for each other as we got older, hoping to divert his attention and end the attack. We would try to fight him, but we were just no match for a 200 lb., enraged man! My mom always fought till the bitter end though, along with my sister and I. I learned this tenacity and “Never give up Attitude” from her. Even in the midst of the most dismal circumstance I never give up.
As I recall this one “Snap Shot” from my childhood, so much love and compassion is rising up within me. My Mother has always been the “Glue” that held our family together. She was the Rock and the one true savior in my life. Her attacks were so brutal that she has many battle scars. Some are very visible and damaging. One scar in particular was as a result of saving my life.
On this night my father was so enraged with me over an inconsequential event that wasn’t even my fault, that as I was following his orders to “Turn the #%#@&$ Stereo off as I was bending down to unplug it he in turn grabbed an Iron Skillet and was just about to hit me over the back of the head and neck with it when my mother rushed him, grabbed his arm and he slung her across the room. With the commotion I quickly turned and then watched him punch my beautiful mother in the face, immediately cutting her eye. When he noticed what he had done he turned to me and came rushing at me. I went bolting for the front door, the only means of escape. He did not give chase that night as my mom was badly injured and had to go to the hospital for stiches. That night I spent hour’s outdoors hiding in the woods. My father blamed me for cutting my mom’s face and I carried that guilt around for years until I realized it was HIS fault and not mine!
In tribute to not only my Mother but ALL the Women and Men who have Suffered, Survived and those that have perished in the horrors of Domestic Violence, I am deeply saddened and salute you for your Courage, Strength and Survival in the fight!!
My story, “Shards of Glass” is my voice and how I raise awareness and fight for JUSTICE in ALL forms and levels of abuse! Abuse is an epidemic and we all need to raise our voices, share our stories and RISE UP!!
“To my Mother, MY Strength; A Rock; A true survivor of all that is bad in this world; A fighter beyond compare; A Women of Depth, Compassion and Faith. I LOVE YOU!! We made it through the violence!”
To read more about my story of abuse and how I endured and survived please check out "Shards of Glass" at https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore.
I witnessed my first act of violence on my Mother when I was only 4 years old. I was in the living room playing and I heard my parents arguing. All the sudden, I heard this loud Pop and my mom crying out in sheer agony and pain. When I looked into the kitchen, there was a pool of blood that covered the entire kitchen floor. I remember thinking to myself, “Oh My God, my dad just killed my Mommy!”
He in fact did not kill her that day, nor would he ever! But that bloody afternoon, he did break her nose leaving me with a horrific memory that is forever etched in my mind when I share my story of abuse. There were so many other occasions that he did come very close with his ruthless attacks and I am so thankful the Lord was protecting!
I endured much physical abuse at the hands of my father throughout my entire childhood until I was able to leave the home on my own accord. If I had never experienced the extreme physical, mental, emotional and the sexual abuse at all from him, what I witnessed and saw with every brutal blow to my Mother was enough to shatter my world! Those vicious attacks left internal scars, PTSD, fears, tremendous anxiety and abandonment issues that I still carry with me today in my adult life.
My mother is my true hero in this life. She was physically, mentally, emotionally abused and molested by a family friend as a child. She suffered mercilessly at the hands of her mentally sick father, my grandfather who I never knew. He died of Huntington’s disease before I was born. She grew up in a home with 9 Siblings and it was a situation where the children raised and fended for themselves. In her childhood, she had no sense of love or security. As a result of her abusive childhood, her self-esteem was shattered and all she wanted was to find a loving man and raise a “Normal” family, contrary to the one she grew up in.
As fate would have it though, she would be placed in the path of one of the most psychotic, violent, abusive and enraged men I have ever known, who just happened to be my father.
Just when she thought she had found “The One,” the man who would take her away from all the tragedy and horror of her childhood, she would quickly realize that her “Hell” had just begun; and for the next 20 years, she would still have to battle, fight and survive, not only for just her livelihood, but now for the lives of her four children.
If not for the courageous and fighting spirit of my mother I would not be alive today. She intervened on more occasions than I care, or can even remember when my father was severely abusing my sister or myself. Our abuse was not limited to time or place either. Whenever my father had a “Fit of Rage” one of us three would be his primary target. Our beatings did not last for moments either, they lasted for minutes, upon minutes turning into segments of an entire night. He would not just beat you and then move on. He would be relentless! Some of the worst memories I have are when his violent attacks were endless going into the wee hours of the night. This is where my sister, mom or I were being brutally attacked and hunted down by my father outside in the dark. We would all try to intervene for each other as we got older, hoping to divert his attention and end the attack. We would try to fight him, but we were just no match for a 200 lb., enraged man! My mom always fought till the bitter end though, along with my sister and I. I learned this tenacity and “Never give up Attitude” from her. Even in the midst of the most dismal circumstance I never give up.
As I recall this one “Snap Shot” from my childhood, so much love and compassion is rising up within me. My Mother has always been the “Glue” that held our family together. She was the Rock and the one true savior in my life. Her attacks were so brutal that she has many battle scars. Some are very visible and damaging. One scar in particular was as a result of saving my life.
On this night my father was so enraged with me over an inconsequential event that wasn’t even my fault, that as I was following his orders to “Turn the #%#@&$ Stereo off as I was bending down to unplug it he in turn grabbed an Iron Skillet and was just about to hit me over the back of the head and neck with it when my mother rushed him, grabbed his arm and he slung her across the room. With the commotion I quickly turned and then watched him punch my beautiful mother in the face, immediately cutting her eye. When he noticed what he had done he turned to me and came rushing at me. I went bolting for the front door, the only means of escape. He did not give chase that night as my mom was badly injured and had to go to the hospital for stiches. That night I spent hour’s outdoors hiding in the woods. My father blamed me for cutting my mom’s face and I carried that guilt around for years until I realized it was HIS fault and not mine!
In tribute to not only my Mother but ALL the Women and Men who have Suffered, Survived and those that have perished in the horrors of Domestic Violence, I am deeply saddened and salute you for your Courage, Strength and Survival in the fight!!
My story, “Shards of Glass” is my voice and how I raise awareness and fight for JUSTICE in ALL forms and levels of abuse! Abuse is an epidemic and we all need to raise our voices, share our stories and RISE UP!!
“To my Mother, MY Strength; A Rock; A true survivor of all that is bad in this world; A fighter beyond compare; A Women of Depth, Compassion and Faith. I LOVE YOU!! We made it through the violence!”
To read more about my story of abuse and how I endured and survived please check out "Shards of Glass" at https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Insensitive to Boundaries…Idealization of Another!
I have written before about the importance of boundaries and the insensitivity “US” Adult Survivors, have toward them. It is a seldom talked about topic but one that I must convey again, not only for others, but most importantly for myself!
How I relate and operate is a by-product of my childhood abuse. It should never be an EXCUSE though. To keep repeatedly violating and operating in unhealthy unbalanced ways with others is wrong! I recently, tonight mind you, had a situation brought to my attention by a dear friend AGAIN. This is a dear friend and someone, whom I continually overstep my boundaries with because of my own selfishness, wants, and needs. Do I respect this person? “Absolutely!” If they truly matter to me, then why do I disregard their requests and the affects my actions will have on them? “Because they meet a need that I am so self-absorbed in fulfilling!” They are respecting me and not trying to hurt me! Why can’t I abide within my friends comfort zone? “Because I am needy and selfish and only want to feel better!” Why do they have to keep reminding me over and over again, that I have crossed that imaginary line, which they have so clearly drawn in the sand for me…? >“It is because I am needy and trying to subconsciously, fill that gaping hole!”
I am a sufferer of idealization for the most part. I don’t have all the characteristics but I have a few of them. This was my “Monster” growing up as a child. For those of you unfamiliar with the terminology:
“Idealization it is theory where an individual is unable to integrate difficult feelings, specific defenses are mobilized to overcome what the individual perceives as an unbearable situation. Another defense that helps in this process is called “splitting.” Splitting is the tendency to view events or people as either all bad or all good. When viewing people as all good, the individual is said to be using the defense mechanism “Idealization” which is a mental mechanism in which the person attributes exaggeratedly positive qualities to the self or others. When viewing people as all bad, the individual employs devaluation: attributing exaggeratedly negative qualities to the self or others.
In child development, idealization and devaluation are quite normal. During the childhood development stage, individuals become capable of perceiving others as complex structures, containing both good and bad components. If the development stage is interrupted (by early childhood trauma, for example), these defense mechanisms may persist into adulthood. (Wikipedia).”
In order for me to feel safe as a young child and secure in my frightening world, I applied this psychological defense mechanism known as “Idealization.” Idealization refers to the process of assigning only “positive” attributes to a person no matter what and virtually viewing them as being “all good”. It is basically putting that person on a pedestal an expecting them to meet unrealistic, impossible needs! As children, we naturally idealize our Parents and in reality view them as all good, all knowing, all powerful and absolutely, infallible and incapable of doing any wrong.
Idealization is not just unique to children, as adults, we will often idealize our romantic partners or friends, at least initially, and only see their positive qualities while ignoring the negative ones. Others may point out what they see, but their opinions are quickly discarded. You have heard the saying, “Only a person on the OUTSIDE can see the inside.” However, for children, especially those that have been abused, this process is not an option; it is an essential part of being a child. It ultimately does not last a lifetime because the older the child gets to adolescence, the less idealizing he does toward his parents and the more critical, rebellious, and independent he becomes. I know this is how I developed as a child but yet I still sought our people who could fill that vital role as “Nurturing” person in my life!
“Through the process of idealization, young children set their parents up on a pedestal seeing them as perfect godlike creatures. This makes the child feel safe and secure. Having a godlike creature to protect them means no harm can come to them.” John Bradshaw, M.A.
Instead of setting my parents on pedestals, I set my friends. My parents were infallible, and did not meet my needs! My friends, - they would protect me! Those that showed love, compassion and support were my ultimate heroes’! I could see no wrong with them or in their actions, where others could! I would not listen to them either, having to find out the hard way’ (Which I often did), that that person was “Using Me”; or “They were selfish and not a good friend” or that they were a “Fair Weather friend!” One that enjoys and likes to be around you when things are good, but quickly discards or dismisses you when you are struggling or having difficulties. I would learn the hard way and it would break my heart repeatedly. I sought out in “Friends or Relationships”, that brought into my life that which was lacking in my parents! To feel Loved, Valued, and needed!
As a result of this learned behavior…I have awful…, tremendously awful boundaries! I have amazing boundaries when it comes to me and what I will tolerate and feel comfortable with, but when it comes to others – I am ridiculously selfish! My choices were limited in to whom I could gain love and self-esteem from. I only had my friends and I felt worthless and powerless toward my father, with my mother being, “Emotionally Unavailable!”
As children we are really incapable of blaming our abusive parents and their abuse of power, betrayal and trust and therefore we blame ourselves. I am constantly having to say, “I am sorry”, either to a friend, co-worker or complete stranger. Why must I always be sorry? It is because of guilt and the shame I carry with me from childhood?
I have and emotional wound! At times, I wonder if it will completely heal. I seek after those that fill the void of that wound and repeatedly overstep boundaries trying to fill that void! I am learning, healing and growing in my knowledge to overcome the past corruption that has infiltrated my adult life. I ask for patience, love and compassion as I steer through these treacherous waters.
As I dear, dear friend texted me tonight;
“You do have boundary issues, and I hope one day you won’t, just like, I hope I to not have the issues I face. I guess sometimes we just have to put our old habits aside and give way to new ways of doing things.”
Well said, M.P.! Love you LONG TIME! ;)
"Shards of Glass" CW Seymore https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore
How I relate and operate is a by-product of my childhood abuse. It should never be an EXCUSE though. To keep repeatedly violating and operating in unhealthy unbalanced ways with others is wrong! I recently, tonight mind you, had a situation brought to my attention by a dear friend AGAIN. This is a dear friend and someone, whom I continually overstep my boundaries with because of my own selfishness, wants, and needs. Do I respect this person? “Absolutely!” If they truly matter to me, then why do I disregard their requests and the affects my actions will have on them? “Because they meet a need that I am so self-absorbed in fulfilling!” They are respecting me and not trying to hurt me! Why can’t I abide within my friends comfort zone? “Because I am needy and selfish and only want to feel better!” Why do they have to keep reminding me over and over again, that I have crossed that imaginary line, which they have so clearly drawn in the sand for me…? >“It is because I am needy and trying to subconsciously, fill that gaping hole!”
I am a sufferer of idealization for the most part. I don’t have all the characteristics but I have a few of them. This was my “Monster” growing up as a child. For those of you unfamiliar with the terminology:
“Idealization it is theory where an individual is unable to integrate difficult feelings, specific defenses are mobilized to overcome what the individual perceives as an unbearable situation. Another defense that helps in this process is called “splitting.” Splitting is the tendency to view events or people as either all bad or all good. When viewing people as all good, the individual is said to be using the defense mechanism “Idealization” which is a mental mechanism in which the person attributes exaggeratedly positive qualities to the self or others. When viewing people as all bad, the individual employs devaluation: attributing exaggeratedly negative qualities to the self or others.
In child development, idealization and devaluation are quite normal. During the childhood development stage, individuals become capable of perceiving others as complex structures, containing both good and bad components. If the development stage is interrupted (by early childhood trauma, for example), these defense mechanisms may persist into adulthood. (Wikipedia).”
In order for me to feel safe as a young child and secure in my frightening world, I applied this psychological defense mechanism known as “Idealization.” Idealization refers to the process of assigning only “positive” attributes to a person no matter what and virtually viewing them as being “all good”. It is basically putting that person on a pedestal an expecting them to meet unrealistic, impossible needs! As children, we naturally idealize our Parents and in reality view them as all good, all knowing, all powerful and absolutely, infallible and incapable of doing any wrong.
Idealization is not just unique to children, as adults, we will often idealize our romantic partners or friends, at least initially, and only see their positive qualities while ignoring the negative ones. Others may point out what they see, but their opinions are quickly discarded. You have heard the saying, “Only a person on the OUTSIDE can see the inside.” However, for children, especially those that have been abused, this process is not an option; it is an essential part of being a child. It ultimately does not last a lifetime because the older the child gets to adolescence, the less idealizing he does toward his parents and the more critical, rebellious, and independent he becomes. I know this is how I developed as a child but yet I still sought our people who could fill that vital role as “Nurturing” person in my life!
“Through the process of idealization, young children set their parents up on a pedestal seeing them as perfect godlike creatures. This makes the child feel safe and secure. Having a godlike creature to protect them means no harm can come to them.” John Bradshaw, M.A.
Instead of setting my parents on pedestals, I set my friends. My parents were infallible, and did not meet my needs! My friends, - they would protect me! Those that showed love, compassion and support were my ultimate heroes’! I could see no wrong with them or in their actions, where others could! I would not listen to them either, having to find out the hard way’ (Which I often did), that that person was “Using Me”; or “They were selfish and not a good friend” or that they were a “Fair Weather friend!” One that enjoys and likes to be around you when things are good, but quickly discards or dismisses you when you are struggling or having difficulties. I would learn the hard way and it would break my heart repeatedly. I sought out in “Friends or Relationships”, that brought into my life that which was lacking in my parents! To feel Loved, Valued, and needed!
As a result of this learned behavior…I have awful…, tremendously awful boundaries! I have amazing boundaries when it comes to me and what I will tolerate and feel comfortable with, but when it comes to others – I am ridiculously selfish! My choices were limited in to whom I could gain love and self-esteem from. I only had my friends and I felt worthless and powerless toward my father, with my mother being, “Emotionally Unavailable!”
As children we are really incapable of blaming our abusive parents and their abuse of power, betrayal and trust and therefore we blame ourselves. I am constantly having to say, “I am sorry”, either to a friend, co-worker or complete stranger. Why must I always be sorry? It is because of guilt and the shame I carry with me from childhood?
I have and emotional wound! At times, I wonder if it will completely heal. I seek after those that fill the void of that wound and repeatedly overstep boundaries trying to fill that void! I am learning, healing and growing in my knowledge to overcome the past corruption that has infiltrated my adult life. I ask for patience, love and compassion as I steer through these treacherous waters.
As I dear, dear friend texted me tonight;
“You do have boundary issues, and I hope one day you won’t, just like, I hope I to not have the issues I face. I guess sometimes we just have to put our old habits aside and give way to new ways of doing things.”
Well said, M.P.! Love you LONG TIME! ;)
"Shards of Glass" CW Seymore https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore
Saturday, August 31, 2013
The “Stockholm Syndrome” and the Abused!
I was just recently re-introduced to the “Coined” term The Stockholm Syndrome, for the undying loyalty and even compassion; I had toward my abuser, My Father. I had heard that term passed around quite often in the past and never really thought it applied to my life because I always associated it with the Concentration Camp Prisoners or Prisoners of war. I never really realized it is a Syndrome acquired by also being abused as a child; battered; an incest victim; in a cult or in a controlling or intimidating relationship. But after a conversation with a friend and a recent situation I was involved with, I have come to recognize that it is one of the main reasons I never talked about my abuse to friends or others in a position to help. I had this sick, undying loyalty to my father! I always classified it as the “Survivors Guilt” syndrome in my own mind.
The term, Stockholm Syndrome, was coined to describe the puzzling reactions and emotional interactions of four bank employees who were held captive by two criminals brandishing machine guns. On August 23, 1973, three women and one man were taken hostage in one of the largest banks in Stockholm, Sweden. They were held for six days (131 hours), by two ex-convicts who threatened their lives by strapping them with dynamite and placing them in a vault until they were finally rescued on August 28th!
After their rescue the hostages exhibited a shocking attitude considering what they had just gone through by being threatened, abused and fearing for their own lives. They supported and had compassion on their captors. One woman even later formed a legal defense fund to aid in the criminal defense! Two of the women eventually got engaged to the captors. Those hostages became “Bonded” in a sick emotional sense!
After the Stockholm incident, many journalists, physiologist and social scientists formed research as to whether the emotional bonding between a captor and captives was a "freak" incident or if it was a common occurrence in various oppressive situations. They discovered that it was such a common phenomenon that it deserved a name. Thus, the label, Stockholm Syndrome. In actuality, anyone can acquire the Syndrome if they are involved in situations similar to these:
Concentration Camp Prisoners; Cult Members; Civilians in Chinese Communist Prisons; The Pimp/Prostitute Relationship; Incest Victims; Physically and/or Emotionally Abused Children; Battered Women; Prisoners of War; Victims of Hijackings, and of course, Hostages. The following perceptions of those directly involved as the “Victim” in horrifying situations is a guideline for how the syndrome actually occurs:
• A Perceived threat to survival and the belief that the captor/perpetrator is willing
to act on that threat
• The captive's perception of a small act of kindnesses displayed from the captor
within the context of terror/fear
• Isolation from other perspectives than those of the captor (Influenced by Captor)
• Perceived inability to escape and hopelessness
The “Stockholm Syndrome” is a survival mechanism; those that have acquired it are not raving lunatics! We are people who were placed in life threatening situations where we had to fight for our lives! We had no idea that we were forming this sick bond between the abuser while it was happening! Every syndrome has a list of symptoms or behaviors and the “Stockholm Syndrome” is no exception. The most commonly accepted symptoms are:
• Positive feelings by the victim toward the abuser/controller
• Negative feelings by the victim toward family, friends or authorities trying to
help/rescue them from situation
• Support of the abuser’s reasoning and actions for the situation
• Positive feelings displayed by the abuser toward the victim
• Supportive behaviors by the victim and at times aiding/helping the abuser to escape
• Inability to engage in behaviors that may assist in their release or rescue
I think one of the reason I never classified my loyalty toward my father as the
“Stockholm Syndrome” was because I never thought I was held captive against my will or a prisoner in a terrifying situation. It was my father and I was his daughter in a family nucleus where He was supposed to be my protector; my refuge and source of safety and security. But I believe the most direct reason was that, I never associated the syndrome with my own life. It wasn’t until years later, that I learned I had this “Sick Sense of Loyalty” toward him and that I was held a prisoner against my will in the abuse that I endured!! I really hated him as a child and young teen, I wanted him caught, and I wanted the abuse to stop. I wished him dead so often in my youth! I didn’t know I was subconsciously protecting him. I guess I never fully realized how truly horrible my abuse was because it was at the hands of a true, biological parent until after writing “Shards of Glass”, and hearing all the comments. What others have said is that what makes my story so horrible and gut wrenching is that it was at the hands of a parent. The ONE who was supposed to show unconditional love, provide comfort, offer a safe environment and a person to trust!
I have since forgiven my father of all his crimes. I now sometimes wonder if the
“Stockholm Syndrome” is the direct reason and not the compassion I formed after understanding his own abuse as a child, which has allowed me to forgive him. I wonder now, if my hiding the publishing of my book under a pen name and not sharing my true identity with others is to protect my family or HIM? My mom has co-dependency issues and feels that telling my father I wrote this book would on cause him to “Go Off the deep end”, that it would ruin the only thing he has left, his reputation. Is revealing that I wrote the book going to change the past? I do fear that if he ever gets wind or anyone from my childhood past ever finds out and tells him, that he will try to harm himself. I don’t want that on my hands or conscious. I have been perplexed with this entire situation ever since I started writing the memoir. The only reason I have written under a pen name is to protect HIM! But if I reveal my identity now, will I push my mom away? Am I protecting him in a sick way by hiding behind protecting my family? These are hard questions to answer!
In any case, these issues I believe are all things that every adult survivor of abuse is faced with. We love to protect our abuser! We protect the very person who ultimately destroyed our childhood, who directly contributed to the struggles and hurdles we have had to overcome as adults. The effects of childhood abuse are far reaching and come with many complex issues, emotions and thoughts being carried into the Adult portion of our lives! But in the wise words of one of my favorite philologist and philosophers:
“That which does not kill us, Makes us STONGER!” – Friedrich Nietzsche
"Shards of Glass" By CW Seymore https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore
The term, Stockholm Syndrome, was coined to describe the puzzling reactions and emotional interactions of four bank employees who were held captive by two criminals brandishing machine guns. On August 23, 1973, three women and one man were taken hostage in one of the largest banks in Stockholm, Sweden. They were held for six days (131 hours), by two ex-convicts who threatened their lives by strapping them with dynamite and placing them in a vault until they were finally rescued on August 28th!
After their rescue the hostages exhibited a shocking attitude considering what they had just gone through by being threatened, abused and fearing for their own lives. They supported and had compassion on their captors. One woman even later formed a legal defense fund to aid in the criminal defense! Two of the women eventually got engaged to the captors. Those hostages became “Bonded” in a sick emotional sense!
After the Stockholm incident, many journalists, physiologist and social scientists formed research as to whether the emotional bonding between a captor and captives was a "freak" incident or if it was a common occurrence in various oppressive situations. They discovered that it was such a common phenomenon that it deserved a name. Thus, the label, Stockholm Syndrome. In actuality, anyone can acquire the Syndrome if they are involved in situations similar to these:
Concentration Camp Prisoners; Cult Members; Civilians in Chinese Communist Prisons; The Pimp/Prostitute Relationship; Incest Victims; Physically and/or Emotionally Abused Children; Battered Women; Prisoners of War; Victims of Hijackings, and of course, Hostages. The following perceptions of those directly involved as the “Victim” in horrifying situations is a guideline for how the syndrome actually occurs:
• A Perceived threat to survival and the belief that the captor/perpetrator is willing
to act on that threat
• The captive's perception of a small act of kindnesses displayed from the captor
within the context of terror/fear
• Isolation from other perspectives than those of the captor (Influenced by Captor)
• Perceived inability to escape and hopelessness
The “Stockholm Syndrome” is a survival mechanism; those that have acquired it are not raving lunatics! We are people who were placed in life threatening situations where we had to fight for our lives! We had no idea that we were forming this sick bond between the abuser while it was happening! Every syndrome has a list of symptoms or behaviors and the “Stockholm Syndrome” is no exception. The most commonly accepted symptoms are:
• Positive feelings by the victim toward the abuser/controller
• Negative feelings by the victim toward family, friends or authorities trying to
help/rescue them from situation
• Support of the abuser’s reasoning and actions for the situation
• Positive feelings displayed by the abuser toward the victim
• Supportive behaviors by the victim and at times aiding/helping the abuser to escape
• Inability to engage in behaviors that may assist in their release or rescue
I think one of the reason I never classified my loyalty toward my father as the
“Stockholm Syndrome” was because I never thought I was held captive against my will or a prisoner in a terrifying situation. It was my father and I was his daughter in a family nucleus where He was supposed to be my protector; my refuge and source of safety and security. But I believe the most direct reason was that, I never associated the syndrome with my own life. It wasn’t until years later, that I learned I had this “Sick Sense of Loyalty” toward him and that I was held a prisoner against my will in the abuse that I endured!! I really hated him as a child and young teen, I wanted him caught, and I wanted the abuse to stop. I wished him dead so often in my youth! I didn’t know I was subconsciously protecting him. I guess I never fully realized how truly horrible my abuse was because it was at the hands of a true, biological parent until after writing “Shards of Glass”, and hearing all the comments. What others have said is that what makes my story so horrible and gut wrenching is that it was at the hands of a parent. The ONE who was supposed to show unconditional love, provide comfort, offer a safe environment and a person to trust!
I have since forgiven my father of all his crimes. I now sometimes wonder if the
“Stockholm Syndrome” is the direct reason and not the compassion I formed after understanding his own abuse as a child, which has allowed me to forgive him. I wonder now, if my hiding the publishing of my book under a pen name and not sharing my true identity with others is to protect my family or HIM? My mom has co-dependency issues and feels that telling my father I wrote this book would on cause him to “Go Off the deep end”, that it would ruin the only thing he has left, his reputation. Is revealing that I wrote the book going to change the past? I do fear that if he ever gets wind or anyone from my childhood past ever finds out and tells him, that he will try to harm himself. I don’t want that on my hands or conscious. I have been perplexed with this entire situation ever since I started writing the memoir. The only reason I have written under a pen name is to protect HIM! But if I reveal my identity now, will I push my mom away? Am I protecting him in a sick way by hiding behind protecting my family? These are hard questions to answer!
In any case, these issues I believe are all things that every adult survivor of abuse is faced with. We love to protect our abuser! We protect the very person who ultimately destroyed our childhood, who directly contributed to the struggles and hurdles we have had to overcome as adults. The effects of childhood abuse are far reaching and come with many complex issues, emotions and thoughts being carried into the Adult portion of our lives! But in the wise words of one of my favorite philologist and philosophers:
“That which does not kill us, Makes us STONGER!” – Friedrich Nietzsche
"Shards of Glass" By CW Seymore https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore
Sunday, August 25, 2013
The Effects of Abuse are Far Reaching…Long after the FINAL BLOW!
Just recently I was involved in a serious car accident where I slammed into the back of a semi going 75 mph. He merged into my lane and I did not have time to react. As a result, I totaled my car and was in extreme pain. Later, I was taken to the ER where they did a total body MRI to check for internal damage. I was in severe pain at the time and there was concern about internal bleeding or organ damage.
My mother was in the room with me as we waited for the results and when the doctor came in, he asked my mother to leave the room, I told him no she could stay. That comment bothered and scared me.
The Doctor then asked me if I had been in any prior major accidents, I said “No”, he then asked if I had been abused or a victim of Domestic Violence? I immediately thought to myself, “Why would he be asking me this?” I answered him, that “Yes I had been abused,” not going into detail as to how because my mom was sitting in the room and I did not want to give the doctor the impression that she was the perpetrator. He said, “Well that explains a few things, your joints, neck and back are riddled with arthritis and there are a few broken bones that never healed correctly.” He told me I had the back of an 80 year old. That disturbed me because I am only 44! When he left the room, mom and I talked about the past abuse and how all the physical violence we both endured has contributed to a lifetime of physical and internal pain. She too suffers from chronic pain, arthritis, inner ear arches, and joint issues from a lifetime of abuse. The effects of abuse are felt long after the final blow!
These are just some of the Effects from my childhood abuse. I can crack my neck and back at will, so badly in fact, that others cringe when they hear it. I am often reminded of that skit on Saturday Night Live, where this older gentlemen is getting out of bed and spends several minutes cracking every bone in his body, just to get out of bed, right down to his nose and ear lobes. It is a funny skit but one that is, unfortunately my reality. I have constant fatigue and chronic acute pain. I deal with it rather well, but as I get older I fear that It will get severely worse actually altering my lifestyle. I am a very active person and always on the go. It is a fear I now have after hearing the doctor’s comments on my physical conditions.
Other less obvious effects that have plagued my entire life are:
Fear; Inability to Trust; Low self-esteem; Difficulty with Intimacy; Poor Decision making; Guilt; Depression; Shame; Self –Destructive Behaviors; Suicidal Thoughts; Issues with alcohol. The list actually continues but these are the issues I have had to deal with at some point in my life.
There are numerous factors that contribute to how abuse affects an individual:
The child’s age and developmental status when the abuse or neglect occurred
The type of maltreatment (physical abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, etc.)
The frequency, duration, and severity of the maltreatment
The relationship between the child and the perpetrator
There has been much research done to explore why, given similar conditions, some children experience long-term consequences of abuse and neglect while others emerge relatively unscathed. The ability to cope, and even thrive, following a negative experience is often referred to as “resilience.” I like to think I am a very RESILIENT SURVIVOR! Even though my abuse started at age 4 and continued until I was 19, where I suffered extreme physical, emotional and mental abuse, molestation later and rape I still have tremendous resilience. My perpetrator for all of my abuse except for my Rape, was my father. I was Raped by a stranger when I was 16 years old. I suffered helplessly in coping with my abuse in much of my twenties and started to thrive when I entered my thirties. I sought active counseling and I refused to stay stuck in the past, wallowing in the emotions and paralyzed by depression. I have always been a “High Functioning” survivor and I am very proud of that!
Even through all the pain from my past, if you didn’t know my story--you wouldn’t have known my story! Most of my scars are on the inside. I do have several that are noticeable though, those ones don’t hurt as bad as the internal scars. When I think back over the course of the abuse in my life I feel so much. I have one major regret so far in this life, and that is that I never had children. This does anger and hurt me though, because all the abuse did linger into my adult life and it has robbed me of certain things where I now feel slighted at times, when I think about them.
There were three factors that contributed to not having children; one, I was afraid I would be abusive; two I have never allowed anyone close enough in to ever get to that point; and three because of the Fear of inheriting Huntington’s disease, which there is no chance of now, thank the Lord. Whew! My mom is safe and that now means my sisters and me are too! I have a good friend who has two younger girls that I love and adore. I just recently told her, “I am adopting your children.” Figuratively of course, but if they have a need I want to be there to help fill it. I feel I have missed out on this one important thing in life!
Another area where I feel I was robbed was my inability to trust people and form intimate relationships. I focused so much of my life on healing from the past and relearning destructive, dysfunctional patterns of operating, that the area of relationships has suffered. The fear of Intimacy has always been my “kryptonite.” I am strong in every other area of my life now except for this. It is here where I have little self-esteem; here that I feel my greatest fears of rejection and inadequacy surface, and here, where the last chapter of the past needs to be read and re-written. I have made great strides on re-writing this and believe that it is only a matter of time before I declare to the world, “I am in a HEALTHY, Loving Relationship” or “I AM Getting Married!” A few years ago, if I typed those words a great bolt of panic would have shot through my entire being causing anxiety, panic and fear, but today as I type them, I have a smile on my face and a pleasant expectation of the future with only a mild case of those feelings!
If I think about the past too long I feel anger that I had to waste so much of my adult life on healing and “Getting Well.” I regret that things didn’t come easy for me, that it has been a constant battle! Where my life has been tremendously hard! I sometimes have anger towards my father because he not only robbed me of my childhood, his abuse trickled into my adult life causing a daily fight to behave, act and feel “Normal” in this world. Those things which come “Easy” for others are so very hard for me and if you are reading this, you too are probably an Adult Survivor and you’re shaking your head in agreement right now because we all suffer in some form or fashion with the same issues.
When I start to feel angry over the past and think back on how hard the Journey has been to get to this point I have a choice…To get angry or to get motivated, accepting the past as the cornerstone for who I am now and what I am accomplishing. I have chosen to get motivated, accepting my past as part of my Journey to help others. It is now my responsibility to raise awareness and to help others through their pain, telling others my story and how I healed!
In writing “Shards of Glass” it has been my greatest triumph, the greatest source of healing and the greatest honor in knowing that others are reading my story and gaining hope and healing from it. I just read a comment on facebook, “I admire your Courage.” That courage did not come easy and it has been a lifelong fight. I am thankful for those that read my words and our comforted in knowing that you are not alone and that there is hope and healing from the long reaching effects of childhood abuse!
Please check out my memoir on amazon.com here is the link. http://www.amazon.com/Shards-Glass-CW-Seymore/dp/1483922650/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1376784198&sr=1-1
My mother was in the room with me as we waited for the results and when the doctor came in, he asked my mother to leave the room, I told him no she could stay. That comment bothered and scared me.
The Doctor then asked me if I had been in any prior major accidents, I said “No”, he then asked if I had been abused or a victim of Domestic Violence? I immediately thought to myself, “Why would he be asking me this?” I answered him, that “Yes I had been abused,” not going into detail as to how because my mom was sitting in the room and I did not want to give the doctor the impression that she was the perpetrator. He said, “Well that explains a few things, your joints, neck and back are riddled with arthritis and there are a few broken bones that never healed correctly.” He told me I had the back of an 80 year old. That disturbed me because I am only 44! When he left the room, mom and I talked about the past abuse and how all the physical violence we both endured has contributed to a lifetime of physical and internal pain. She too suffers from chronic pain, arthritis, inner ear arches, and joint issues from a lifetime of abuse. The effects of abuse are felt long after the final blow!
These are just some of the Effects from my childhood abuse. I can crack my neck and back at will, so badly in fact, that others cringe when they hear it. I am often reminded of that skit on Saturday Night Live, where this older gentlemen is getting out of bed and spends several minutes cracking every bone in his body, just to get out of bed, right down to his nose and ear lobes. It is a funny skit but one that is, unfortunately my reality. I have constant fatigue and chronic acute pain. I deal with it rather well, but as I get older I fear that It will get severely worse actually altering my lifestyle. I am a very active person and always on the go. It is a fear I now have after hearing the doctor’s comments on my physical conditions.
Other less obvious effects that have plagued my entire life are:
Fear; Inability to Trust; Low self-esteem; Difficulty with Intimacy; Poor Decision making; Guilt; Depression; Shame; Self –Destructive Behaviors; Suicidal Thoughts; Issues with alcohol. The list actually continues but these are the issues I have had to deal with at some point in my life.
There are numerous factors that contribute to how abuse affects an individual:
The child’s age and developmental status when the abuse or neglect occurred
The type of maltreatment (physical abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, etc.)
The frequency, duration, and severity of the maltreatment
The relationship between the child and the perpetrator
There has been much research done to explore why, given similar conditions, some children experience long-term consequences of abuse and neglect while others emerge relatively unscathed. The ability to cope, and even thrive, following a negative experience is often referred to as “resilience.” I like to think I am a very RESILIENT SURVIVOR! Even though my abuse started at age 4 and continued until I was 19, where I suffered extreme physical, emotional and mental abuse, molestation later and rape I still have tremendous resilience. My perpetrator for all of my abuse except for my Rape, was my father. I was Raped by a stranger when I was 16 years old. I suffered helplessly in coping with my abuse in much of my twenties and started to thrive when I entered my thirties. I sought active counseling and I refused to stay stuck in the past, wallowing in the emotions and paralyzed by depression. I have always been a “High Functioning” survivor and I am very proud of that!
Even through all the pain from my past, if you didn’t know my story--you wouldn’t have known my story! Most of my scars are on the inside. I do have several that are noticeable though, those ones don’t hurt as bad as the internal scars. When I think back over the course of the abuse in my life I feel so much. I have one major regret so far in this life, and that is that I never had children. This does anger and hurt me though, because all the abuse did linger into my adult life and it has robbed me of certain things where I now feel slighted at times, when I think about them.
There were three factors that contributed to not having children; one, I was afraid I would be abusive; two I have never allowed anyone close enough in to ever get to that point; and three because of the Fear of inheriting Huntington’s disease, which there is no chance of now, thank the Lord. Whew! My mom is safe and that now means my sisters and me are too! I have a good friend who has two younger girls that I love and adore. I just recently told her, “I am adopting your children.” Figuratively of course, but if they have a need I want to be there to help fill it. I feel I have missed out on this one important thing in life!
Another area where I feel I was robbed was my inability to trust people and form intimate relationships. I focused so much of my life on healing from the past and relearning destructive, dysfunctional patterns of operating, that the area of relationships has suffered. The fear of Intimacy has always been my “kryptonite.” I am strong in every other area of my life now except for this. It is here where I have little self-esteem; here that I feel my greatest fears of rejection and inadequacy surface, and here, where the last chapter of the past needs to be read and re-written. I have made great strides on re-writing this and believe that it is only a matter of time before I declare to the world, “I am in a HEALTHY, Loving Relationship” or “I AM Getting Married!” A few years ago, if I typed those words a great bolt of panic would have shot through my entire being causing anxiety, panic and fear, but today as I type them, I have a smile on my face and a pleasant expectation of the future with only a mild case of those feelings!
If I think about the past too long I feel anger that I had to waste so much of my adult life on healing and “Getting Well.” I regret that things didn’t come easy for me, that it has been a constant battle! Where my life has been tremendously hard! I sometimes have anger towards my father because he not only robbed me of my childhood, his abuse trickled into my adult life causing a daily fight to behave, act and feel “Normal” in this world. Those things which come “Easy” for others are so very hard for me and if you are reading this, you too are probably an Adult Survivor and you’re shaking your head in agreement right now because we all suffer in some form or fashion with the same issues.
When I start to feel angry over the past and think back on how hard the Journey has been to get to this point I have a choice…To get angry or to get motivated, accepting the past as the cornerstone for who I am now and what I am accomplishing. I have chosen to get motivated, accepting my past as part of my Journey to help others. It is now my responsibility to raise awareness and to help others through their pain, telling others my story and how I healed!
In writing “Shards of Glass” it has been my greatest triumph, the greatest source of healing and the greatest honor in knowing that others are reading my story and gaining hope and healing from it. I just read a comment on facebook, “I admire your Courage.” That courage did not come easy and it has been a lifelong fight. I am thankful for those that read my words and our comforted in knowing that you are not alone and that there is hope and healing from the long reaching effects of childhood abuse!
Please check out my memoir on amazon.com here is the link. http://www.amazon.com/Shards-Glass-CW-Seymore/dp/1483922650/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1376784198&sr=1-1
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Is the Negative Committee Meeting in YOUR Head?
“Tell the Negative committee that meets inside your head to sit down and shut up” – Ann Bradford
I don’t just have a committee. I have an entire Army that wants to sabbotage my thoughts and emotions holding them captive!
I have been really thinking about all the angry, negative, cruel people you meet throughout the day. We live in a very negative society filled with folks who want to lash out at another because of their own pain and misery. It doesn’t take much to “Set” someone off these days. I use to be one of those angry, negative people ready to pounce at a moment’s notice on or at; anyone who I felt rubbed me the wrong way somehow. Whether it be with their attitude, opinions, or even the way they looked at me. I was quick to lash out and try to make another as miserable as I was.
In a conversation with a friend the other day who was feeling down, we got to talking about listening to the negative self-dialogue in our heads. Negative ping pong, is what I like to call it. We talked about how at a moment’s notice we can just feel really down, discouraged and not sure why or what the cause. We talked about our thoughts and how the mind is a very dangerous place to play. It then occurred to me, and I was reminded of that nasty little demon we all have: NEGATIVE SELF-TALK! I have been a dedicated student of this course for years, receiving an “A” and honorable mention in my studies! I am harder on myself than anyone ever needs to be with me. One negative comment sends my thoughts racing back into the past remembering the words of my father. “You’re stupid, fat, ugly and never going to amount to anything.” Those words were yelled and screamed at me almost every day in my childhood, and although I did not know it at the time, I internalized every one of them.
It has been a constant battle within me to see the good, and what I have to offer in this world. That I am not always wrong, and I am not defined by what another thinks or says about me! I have wrestled with feelings of Self-Loathing, Self-Doubt, and poor Self-Esteem. Anything having to do with myself, and how I viewed ME, use to be very “Negative”; leading me down a dangerous path of feeling, “I can never do anything right” or “I am unworthy of anything good.” That kind of thinking sends out the “Memo” to the “Negative Committee” who then, immediately calls a meeting to order to start a discussion!
I have been re-learning to turn the volume down when my “Negative Self” is blaring loudly. If I don’t stop the negative thinking and emotions quickly, my entire being becomes a runaway train headed for a path of destruction. The more I concentrate on the negative self-talk in my head, (usually triggered by daily events, people or circumstances); the harder it is to put those things behind me, and pull myself back out into the realm of Positive thinking. It has been documented that Self-Destruction is one of the 7 basic character flaws. It is a dysfunctional relationship with your personal self. As Adult Survivors we have the tendency to self-destruct and have dysfunction in all our relationships, including the one we have with ourselves!
There are two things that I have learned in defusing the Negative Self-dialogue in my head. These tactics I use to battle this nasty little demon when I am headed down this dangerous and self-destructing road.
One is to embrace my imperfections, as we all have them, forgiving myself of the mistakes I make, both past and present. It is hard for Adult Survivors, were perfectionists in all that we do. Being perfect was ingrained within me at such an early age because if I acted as perfectly as I could in the home, then maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t get abused. So I tried to be as “Good” as I could, and nobody can be perfect, so I often failed, resulting in… all of us who were ever abused know the outcome of that!
Two, the negative ping pong match begins when I start to compare myself with another or their lives, wanting what they have, because I think their life is much easier or better than mine. I have always hated it when someone says “I have a life,” which to me, is insinuating that I don’t! I have learned the hard way that comparing my life or myself to another’s, is a fast-track to depression, and negative thinking. It is then that I am reminded of my dear old friend’s words of wisdom, “If you could choose from anyone else’s life or problems in the entire world what you perceive to be as the perfect life, you would still go back and choose your OWN!” Comparing ourselves is I think one of the chief catalysts for the “Negative Self- talk” battles we have within us. Especially for us Survivors, as we always feel where not good enough, can’t do anything right, everybody is always better. You know the thoughts you have, because I have them too!
Our biggest enemy in everyone’s life, in my opinion is the Negative Dialogue we have within ourselves! We think too much, creating problems that weren’t even there; stirring up emotions we were not feeling; which lead to being negative, depressed and angry to those around us often lashing out! How I pull myself out of all of these situations is training my thoughts, recognizing immediately when my self-talk is active and speaking loudly, and then quickly focusing on what is reality! Not the illusions being played out in my Head. A great analogy of this is when we were kids alone in our beds at night. We would hear sounds or see images, and soon the infamous “Boogie Man” and “Monsters” under the bed scenario would play out. We would get scared and see things that weren’t even there! The more we concentrated on it the more “Real” it became, and in all actually there was NOTHING ever to worry about! We do that as adults, only are Boogie Mans and Monsters are much more real and frightening.
Our mind creates many illusions and if we believe them, we are headed down a miserable path of negativity, and fear; spreading it to others and ultimately throughout the world. We need to learn to forgive ourselves for our shortcomings, not living in the past, or worried about the future, but just focusing on the NOW, the present. When we change our patterns of thinking and self-dialogue our situations, emotions and feelings will follow suit! I try to put circumstances, events, and people into perspective as they occur, dismissing the “what if’s” and the “Wish I’s.” It is then that I Shout to that committee, “Sit down and Shut Up!”
When we live in the past it creates regret and depression; when we live in the future it creates anxiety and fear. We need to live in the present and deal with the situations and events as they come. If you keep paying attention to the darkness you will never see the light! A content happy person is one who is caught up in the present, not thinking about the past or focusing on the future.
Vibrate positive thoughts about your life, yourself and others and together we can make a difference in this world!
“If you’re going to THINK then you might as well think positive. Remember positive thoughts and actions are seeds that will produce positive results.”
I don’t just have a committee. I have an entire Army that wants to sabbotage my thoughts and emotions holding them captive!
I have been really thinking about all the angry, negative, cruel people you meet throughout the day. We live in a very negative society filled with folks who want to lash out at another because of their own pain and misery. It doesn’t take much to “Set” someone off these days. I use to be one of those angry, negative people ready to pounce at a moment’s notice on or at; anyone who I felt rubbed me the wrong way somehow. Whether it be with their attitude, opinions, or even the way they looked at me. I was quick to lash out and try to make another as miserable as I was.
In a conversation with a friend the other day who was feeling down, we got to talking about listening to the negative self-dialogue in our heads. Negative ping pong, is what I like to call it. We talked about how at a moment’s notice we can just feel really down, discouraged and not sure why or what the cause. We talked about our thoughts and how the mind is a very dangerous place to play. It then occurred to me, and I was reminded of that nasty little demon we all have: NEGATIVE SELF-TALK! I have been a dedicated student of this course for years, receiving an “A” and honorable mention in my studies! I am harder on myself than anyone ever needs to be with me. One negative comment sends my thoughts racing back into the past remembering the words of my father. “You’re stupid, fat, ugly and never going to amount to anything.” Those words were yelled and screamed at me almost every day in my childhood, and although I did not know it at the time, I internalized every one of them.
It has been a constant battle within me to see the good, and what I have to offer in this world. That I am not always wrong, and I am not defined by what another thinks or says about me! I have wrestled with feelings of Self-Loathing, Self-Doubt, and poor Self-Esteem. Anything having to do with myself, and how I viewed ME, use to be very “Negative”; leading me down a dangerous path of feeling, “I can never do anything right” or “I am unworthy of anything good.” That kind of thinking sends out the “Memo” to the “Negative Committee” who then, immediately calls a meeting to order to start a discussion!
I have been re-learning to turn the volume down when my “Negative Self” is blaring loudly. If I don’t stop the negative thinking and emotions quickly, my entire being becomes a runaway train headed for a path of destruction. The more I concentrate on the negative self-talk in my head, (usually triggered by daily events, people or circumstances); the harder it is to put those things behind me, and pull myself back out into the realm of Positive thinking. It has been documented that Self-Destruction is one of the 7 basic character flaws. It is a dysfunctional relationship with your personal self. As Adult Survivors we have the tendency to self-destruct and have dysfunction in all our relationships, including the one we have with ourselves!
There are two things that I have learned in defusing the Negative Self-dialogue in my head. These tactics I use to battle this nasty little demon when I am headed down this dangerous and self-destructing road.
One is to embrace my imperfections, as we all have them, forgiving myself of the mistakes I make, both past and present. It is hard for Adult Survivors, were perfectionists in all that we do. Being perfect was ingrained within me at such an early age because if I acted as perfectly as I could in the home, then maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t get abused. So I tried to be as “Good” as I could, and nobody can be perfect, so I often failed, resulting in… all of us who were ever abused know the outcome of that!
Two, the negative ping pong match begins when I start to compare myself with another or their lives, wanting what they have, because I think their life is much easier or better than mine. I have always hated it when someone says “I have a life,” which to me, is insinuating that I don’t! I have learned the hard way that comparing my life or myself to another’s, is a fast-track to depression, and negative thinking. It is then that I am reminded of my dear old friend’s words of wisdom, “If you could choose from anyone else’s life or problems in the entire world what you perceive to be as the perfect life, you would still go back and choose your OWN!” Comparing ourselves is I think one of the chief catalysts for the “Negative Self- talk” battles we have within us. Especially for us Survivors, as we always feel where not good enough, can’t do anything right, everybody is always better. You know the thoughts you have, because I have them too!
Our biggest enemy in everyone’s life, in my opinion is the Negative Dialogue we have within ourselves! We think too much, creating problems that weren’t even there; stirring up emotions we were not feeling; which lead to being negative, depressed and angry to those around us often lashing out! How I pull myself out of all of these situations is training my thoughts, recognizing immediately when my self-talk is active and speaking loudly, and then quickly focusing on what is reality! Not the illusions being played out in my Head. A great analogy of this is when we were kids alone in our beds at night. We would hear sounds or see images, and soon the infamous “Boogie Man” and “Monsters” under the bed scenario would play out. We would get scared and see things that weren’t even there! The more we concentrated on it the more “Real” it became, and in all actually there was NOTHING ever to worry about! We do that as adults, only are Boogie Mans and Monsters are much more real and frightening.
Our mind creates many illusions and if we believe them, we are headed down a miserable path of negativity, and fear; spreading it to others and ultimately throughout the world. We need to learn to forgive ourselves for our shortcomings, not living in the past, or worried about the future, but just focusing on the NOW, the present. When we change our patterns of thinking and self-dialogue our situations, emotions and feelings will follow suit! I try to put circumstances, events, and people into perspective as they occur, dismissing the “what if’s” and the “Wish I’s.” It is then that I Shout to that committee, “Sit down and Shut Up!”
When we live in the past it creates regret and depression; when we live in the future it creates anxiety and fear. We need to live in the present and deal with the situations and events as they come. If you keep paying attention to the darkness you will never see the light! A content happy person is one who is caught up in the present, not thinking about the past or focusing on the future.
Vibrate positive thoughts about your life, yourself and others and together we can make a difference in this world!
“If you’re going to THINK then you might as well think positive. Remember positive thoughts and actions are seeds that will produce positive results.”
Monday, July 15, 2013
Your Heart is your Compass – Journey into Self-Reflection
I love this quote by Janelle Saar:
“Your Heart will always remember and be your Compass back to being you!”
It seems that most of my life has been spent “Unlearning” the unhealthy, ingrained behaviors, coping mechanisms, and thoughts from the past. I started at a young age, reflecting on my behaviors and trying to answer these internal questions, “Why do, I do the things I do,” and “Why do I have the thoughts that I have.” I knew very early that I didn’t behave or think “normally” as some would classify. I knew that I had a warped sense of self, reality, people and my place in this world. I have always felt insecure, non-valued, de-valued and unworthy of any happiness or Joy. I have never thought of myself as a victim from my past, but I am being “held” victim from things that keep recirculating and appearing in my life, even after recognizing them and conquering them, or so I thought. I am haunted with thoughts that I will always have to “fight” to behave and think normal. I fear that I will never “get this” or just become too tired to be hyper-vigilant with my self-reflection.
When I get in this stuck pattern of thinking I have to remind myself that Healing and Thriving in life doesn’t mean that the past will no rear its’ ugly head again. But that when it does, I am equipped and have the mental fortitude to recognize the behaviors, identify the trigger(s) and then dig down deep into my “Emotional Tool Box,” remembering the healthy, positive, spiritual tools I have, and then USING them on whatever the issue. Moving through those difficult times is what makes me a Thriver and promotes continued Healing from the past.
I am reminded of a situation that occurred over the weekend. A huge altercation with my Sisters - my FAMILY, that ended with a lot of hurt feelings and a myriad of emotions encircling all of us. It was an emptiness I have never known to feel alienated from the only people who ever truly care – your family and feel that I was the “Bad Guy” in the situation.
Due to some economic hardships, my sisters and I are all faced with having to live together, pulling our resources to survive. I haven’t lived this closely or intimately with my sisters or them with me, since we were young girls living in our abusive, traumatic household some 30 years ago! The everyday triggers and being pulled into old coping and relational patterns is a daunting uphill climb, happening daily with myself. I feel like that little girl that can never do anything right. I feel like I am being ganged up on and alienated from the only two sisters that I have! We have all dealt with the horrors from childhood in our own separate ways, and we are all at different levels. I was told that I never see what I do or what my actions are. I disagree with that whole heartedly, as I am constantly looking within myself to change “Those things I can,” and function in healthy ways. I am constantly striving to be a better form of “Self” than I was yesterday. I do look deep within. I am hard on myself and what I still see. I do apologize and admit when I am wrong. I am willing, wanting to do self-analyzing and self-searching!
We lost our only bother 9 years ago to a freak car accident. The trauma and grief that we all experienced is too deep for words, and still lives with us today, being even more pronounced with his birthday being next month. He would have been 38 this year. He was killed when he was only 28 years old. Never had a chance to live! An amazing person, snuffed out far too early. I was once told that, “When you pick an apple off a tree, which one do you choose? The ripest; reddest, perfect apple on the tree.” This helps me to process, why the Lord chose to take him home far too early in his life.
I am convicted that the Loss of my only, baby brother was something I barely survived. Now all I have left is my two sisters and we can’t even seem to get along. I have forgotten that in this life, “Suddenly” you can lose the ones you love without a moment’s notice. I have my sister’s right here within arm’s reach. We haven’t lived in the same state for over 13 years and this should be an easy transition, but it is not! We should be excited and loving towards each other, counting this as a wonderful time in our lives to be together after so many years apart. We should celebrate the relationships and gain strength and friendship from each other, not tarring and ripping each other apart!
It is time to conquer these Sibling Triggers once and for all and stop operating as a young teenager and start remembering and thinking as a tender sister; being forgiving, loving and encouraging toward each other. The process starts within me, not considering whether it will be reciprocated or not. It is my choice to not react with those triggers or actions they display, it is my responsibility to “Check Myself,” not being concerned with their progression of healing and relating. I have to be responsible for my own actions, and my reactions to each of them. It is my responsibility to change the “Steps” to this dysfunctional “Dance!”
I am thinking forward in this situation. I am holding the mirror up to my heart and trusting that my Heart will be the compass back to my true self!
“Your Heart will always remember and be your Compass back to being you!”
It seems that most of my life has been spent “Unlearning” the unhealthy, ingrained behaviors, coping mechanisms, and thoughts from the past. I started at a young age, reflecting on my behaviors and trying to answer these internal questions, “Why do, I do the things I do,” and “Why do I have the thoughts that I have.” I knew very early that I didn’t behave or think “normally” as some would classify. I knew that I had a warped sense of self, reality, people and my place in this world. I have always felt insecure, non-valued, de-valued and unworthy of any happiness or Joy. I have never thought of myself as a victim from my past, but I am being “held” victim from things that keep recirculating and appearing in my life, even after recognizing them and conquering them, or so I thought. I am haunted with thoughts that I will always have to “fight” to behave and think normal. I fear that I will never “get this” or just become too tired to be hyper-vigilant with my self-reflection.
When I get in this stuck pattern of thinking I have to remind myself that Healing and Thriving in life doesn’t mean that the past will no rear its’ ugly head again. But that when it does, I am equipped and have the mental fortitude to recognize the behaviors, identify the trigger(s) and then dig down deep into my “Emotional Tool Box,” remembering the healthy, positive, spiritual tools I have, and then USING them on whatever the issue. Moving through those difficult times is what makes me a Thriver and promotes continued Healing from the past.
I am reminded of a situation that occurred over the weekend. A huge altercation with my Sisters - my FAMILY, that ended with a lot of hurt feelings and a myriad of emotions encircling all of us. It was an emptiness I have never known to feel alienated from the only people who ever truly care – your family and feel that I was the “Bad Guy” in the situation.
Due to some economic hardships, my sisters and I are all faced with having to live together, pulling our resources to survive. I haven’t lived this closely or intimately with my sisters or them with me, since we were young girls living in our abusive, traumatic household some 30 years ago! The everyday triggers and being pulled into old coping and relational patterns is a daunting uphill climb, happening daily with myself. I feel like that little girl that can never do anything right. I feel like I am being ganged up on and alienated from the only two sisters that I have! We have all dealt with the horrors from childhood in our own separate ways, and we are all at different levels. I was told that I never see what I do or what my actions are. I disagree with that whole heartedly, as I am constantly looking within myself to change “Those things I can,” and function in healthy ways. I am constantly striving to be a better form of “Self” than I was yesterday. I do look deep within. I am hard on myself and what I still see. I do apologize and admit when I am wrong. I am willing, wanting to do self-analyzing and self-searching!
We lost our only bother 9 years ago to a freak car accident. The trauma and grief that we all experienced is too deep for words, and still lives with us today, being even more pronounced with his birthday being next month. He would have been 38 this year. He was killed when he was only 28 years old. Never had a chance to live! An amazing person, snuffed out far too early. I was once told that, “When you pick an apple off a tree, which one do you choose? The ripest; reddest, perfect apple on the tree.” This helps me to process, why the Lord chose to take him home far too early in his life.
I am convicted that the Loss of my only, baby brother was something I barely survived. Now all I have left is my two sisters and we can’t even seem to get along. I have forgotten that in this life, “Suddenly” you can lose the ones you love without a moment’s notice. I have my sister’s right here within arm’s reach. We haven’t lived in the same state for over 13 years and this should be an easy transition, but it is not! We should be excited and loving towards each other, counting this as a wonderful time in our lives to be together after so many years apart. We should celebrate the relationships and gain strength and friendship from each other, not tarring and ripping each other apart!
It is time to conquer these Sibling Triggers once and for all and stop operating as a young teenager and start remembering and thinking as a tender sister; being forgiving, loving and encouraging toward each other. The process starts within me, not considering whether it will be reciprocated or not. It is my choice to not react with those triggers or actions they display, it is my responsibility to “Check Myself,” not being concerned with their progression of healing and relating. I have to be responsible for my own actions, and my reactions to each of them. It is my responsibility to change the “Steps” to this dysfunctional “Dance!”
I am thinking forward in this situation. I am holding the mirror up to my heart and trusting that my Heart will be the compass back to my true self!
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Love thy Neighbor AND Yourself
Love is something everyone wants, needs and longs for. It is mankind’s greatest need and ultimate quest in Life! Without it, there is really no reason to live, strive and wake up every day. Whether the love we crave is from parents, family, a spouse, romantic partner, children or friends, we all have this deep yearning and desire for affection, appreciation, value and acceptance from those that we love and care for. Without it, we would die. If we had no love in our lives or if we could not love others, our whole existence would be pointless and meaningless.
For the adult survivor of childhood trauma and abuse, our desire and need for love is amplified by infinity times infinity! Most of us who grew up in abusive family environments being afraid, abandoned, hurt, violated and abused felt very little if any love or care as a child. As a result, we are severely handicapped and crave Love in our adult lives. We seem to have a deeper void than those having a “normal” childhood. We did not receive nurturing, care, tenderness, compassion, acceptance, encouragement or joy. These are vital human needs that especially children in their formative years absolutely must have in order to live healthy, functioning lives. As adult survivors we have no clue how to truly live healthy, functional lives and certainly no idea how to love. Our thoughts on love were so badly distorted and corrupted as children, our whole way of thinking and every behavior moving forward is one laced with many selfish thoughts and ideas. We struggle daily and desperately to fit in; trust; and open ourselves up to others for fear of being hurt or rejected. Love seems out of reach and undeserved for us! “Who would want to love us?” We have so many thoughts and feelings of self-doubt, low self-esteem and feel we are unworthy of Love. “Who would stick long enough to get to know us and love us? And if they did, once they figure us out, all the fears and insecurities, they will eventually abandon and leave us!”
For myself, I say I “Love” others, but is it true, unselfish love? My love is distorted and selfish! Many days I barely love myself let alone another. If we listen to the age old quoted Bible Verse from Matthew 22:37 when asked of Jesus which is the greatest commandment, “Jesus Replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your Mind’ and the second greatest commandment ‘Love your Neighbor as Yourself.’” Those are tough words, because most Adult Survivors don’t love themselves, in fact they loathe much about themselves. “So are we to assume that now, because we don’t love ourselves the way we should that we cannot love others?” I have wrestled with this for years trying desperately to love myself and I have concluded two things.
The first is from a quote that speaks to me so personally and which is something that hits very close to home because of my attachment issues. I have struggled with this for many years, identifying it in my upcoming book, “Shards of Glass.” Where I notice very early as a child that I “Idolize” or “Attach” myself to others, calling them friends or loved ones. Those people in my life offer me something that is severely lacking, love; acceptance; self-worth; appreciation and value. Because of that, I latch on to them because they fill a selfish void, that deep void within all of us of wanting others to “Love” and care for us, but for the Survivor, a deep dark hole filled with very little but the fear of abandonment and rejection. I think and say that I love and care about them, but my actions are selfish, and my boundaries are compromised with those I am attached to. They are those I don’t want to lose, those I feel impact my life profoundly, and those that fill a void from childhood. Those actions are unhealthy and lead me down a path of destroying that friendship/relationship because of fear and dependency. It is not love! That person then feels overwhelmed and smothered because they make me feel better about myself, make me feel needed, wanted and loved that all I do is want more and more of it. It is like a drug, a quick fix, when I am feeling down or discouraged. People are my drug and it is Selfish! As a result of these actions, most people have left and abandoned me in the past!
“Try not to confuse ‘Attachment’ with “Love”. Attachment is about fear and dependency, and has more to do with love of self than love of another. Love without attachment is the purest love because it isn’t about what others can give you because you’re empty. It is about what you can give others because you are already full.” – Yasmin Mogahed
The second thing I have learned and come to understand is what True, Godly, Healthy Love really is. We ultimately all love ourselves even when we don’t think we do. I have always loved myself or I would have ended it a long time ago! The trick is to love ourselves in Healthy ways that trickle into the lives of others. One of the greatest chapters in the Bible for me is, 1 Corinthians 13 1-13. This love is a giving, selfless, expect-nothing-in-return kind of Love. Rather than quote the entire text, I will share the just of it through my thoughts on what that chapter means to me.
This is my take on the “Love Chapter” in the bible. My previous blog was filled with this underlying theme, that we are a “Throw Difficult People Away Society.” If more people would embrace 1 Corinthians 13 maybe our society wouldn’t encourage us to get rid of people in our lives who are difficult or hard to get along with. True love puts up with people who would be much easier to dismiss and give up on.
Love does not Envy. If our love is directed toward others, we will rejoice in the blessings they receive rather than desiring those for ourselves. Selfless love that God calls us to have does not involve pride or glory. It does not parade itself around and is not puffed up. True love does not seek its own. If we truly love others, we will set aside our own plans, agendas, and entitlements for the well-being of others, and especially those we say we love. Love is not provoked. Love is not easily angered or over-sensitive. When we truly learn to love others, we are careful not to be touchy concerning others words or actions towards us. Love does not rejoice in iniquity, but in Truth. Godly love has nothing to do with evil, but has everything to do with what is right and true. It believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love is not blind or naïve, but it does see. It recognizes the problems and failures in people, but it does not lose faith in the possibilities of what people can become. Love never gives up, knowing that God can change anyone, and any life for the better.
Finally, love endures all things. It accepts any hardship or rejection and continues unaltered to build up and encourage another.
Love is determining what is best for another person and then doing it!
Without Love; my efforts and ambitions, what I stand for, what I believe in, what I say, and all my relationships with others means- NOTHING! Faith, Hope and Love abide in this world and will for eternity, but the Greatest of these is LOVE!
Thursday, June 20, 2013
We Live in a "Throw Difficult People Away Society"
As I sit here thinking about all that has transpired in my life over the last 7 months I am amazed at the trials and tribulations I have Suffered and Endured.
I have been 7 months unemployed; wrote a Personal Memoir on Childhood Abuse; been in a very serious car accident, where I totaled my car injuring myself badly and still recuperating, was almost Sued over that accident; Unemployment was fought by my previous employer; had to purchase another car with no money in the bank having to rely on my Mom’s resources; submitted over 300 applications with no job prospects in sight and very few interviews; lost friends in my life due to my erratic behaviors; now, currently running out of unemployment; and having to move out of my apt. by the end of the month, because I can’t pay the rent.
Compound to that, the “Triggers” and “Flashbacks” from writing my book, the panic attacks, anxiety, fear, abandonment, loneliness, confusion, nightmares and the reliving of my Rape account that I had suppressed for almost 28 yrs. – YES! I guess you could say that I am a mess!
However, I am a FIGHTER! I do look within myself and try to change the negative effects from my past daily! I do pray every day, and often; for Wisdom, Understanding, Healing and Change. I have acted irrationally lately; I have overstepped the boundaries of others; I have been angry and lashed out over the circumstances in my life; I have withdrawn; I do feel depressed and down; I am uncertain about my livelihood and YET I am still STANDING!
My point to all of this is “Such is Life”, “Life on Life’s Terms” Right? It throws many curve balls and is not always easy to adapt to. These turbulent storms seem like the way of life to an Adult Survivor of Abuse. Just dealing with the ever day issues of life is enough but then add to that the long reaching effects of that abuse into our Adult lives; the daily internal pain, doubt, fear, rejection and thoughts that we have….Adult Survivors are often seem like a “Hot Mess” to others. Our family, friends, partners, co-workers they all have their hidden opinions of us. That we are weird, Crazy, abnormal, unpredictable, unstable, moody, negative, and even insane at times. Those people back away and most Throw Us Away, because being in OUR lives and US in theirs, takes “WORK!”
We are DAMAGED individuals living in a Society of “I don’t have time,” “I want easy, positive people in my life,” “You’re too difficult” “You’re too needy;” - “Basically were Throw-Away people, because we require so much work! We are not bad people though, and usually make for the most loyal, loving, understanding, committed friends, lovers, co-workers a person could ever have…that is if they can put up with our baggage long enough for us to change, and trust them!
Here is what I want Secondary Survivors to know and understand – There is a reason why we are like this! We are by-products from our abusive pasts and all we strive on a daily basis is to feel and be; “Normal,” loved, understood, valued, and accepted.
Secondary Survivors can be the following; our spouse, partner, boyfriend/girlfriend, family, children and friends.
I know it is not their responsibility to change us, but it is their responsibility to understand us! Especially if they love and care and want us in their lives! We are not perfect people, nobody is! It is OUR responsibility to get help, learn our behaviors, to change the negative and to strive to move out of our pasts, into our present, moving towards our FUTURE!
The cause’s for our extreme behavior, thoughts and actions stems from any one of the following forms of abuse we endured as children; the physical abuse we received or witnessed; the violation of our boundaries; the abandonment and lack of nurturing we experienced; the damage to our self-esteem and worth; the abandonment and isolation; alcohol abuse from a parent; mental and psychological torment just to name the biggies!
There are many publications and information out there to help educate the masses on how and why we feel and do what we do. I am also the Adult Child of an Alcoholic and that brings another slew of issues into my life. In fact there are 14 traits that accompany that form of trauma as well.
Here they are: (I am many of them!) Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
3. We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism.
4. We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another
compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick
abandonment needs.
5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that
weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us
to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to
look too closely at our own faults, etc.
7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in
to others.
8. We became addicted to excitement.
9. We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity"
and "rescue."
10. We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost
the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much
(Denial).
11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will
do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience
painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick
people who were never there emotionally for us.
13. Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on
the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the
drink.
14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
I wish others were more patient, understanding, loving, caring, and compassionate when it comes to dealing with ANY Adult Survivor of physical abuse, alcoholism, molestation, sexual violation, rape, mental anguish, abandonment, rejection. They don’t understand that one negative comment that validates the past is enough to send our lives into a chaotic downward spiral. They don’t see how there pulling away or removal of a Relationship/Friendship is the ultimate betrayal and releases intense feelings of rejection and unworthiness into our lives. They don’t understand that a harsh word can completely ruin our days. BUT I wish they did!
I love so many people that don’t seem to love me back. I know that I have much growing and changing still left to be completely “Whole”. My fervent pray is that the people I love will see my value, my worth and have patience and understanding as I heal! I love you my friends...you know who you are!
Please don’t “Throw Me AWAY!!”
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Learning in Loneliness
I am a social butterfly. I love people for the most part. They are a drug to me I enjoy the interactions and I especially enjoy my close friends and family. I am not built to be alone, yet here I am alone again. I have been alone my whole life, never marrying and I have no kids. I have do not have many romantic relationships and the ones I do never last for very long. As soon as the relationship becomes more intimate than “just friends”, I run the other way, usually finding an excuse as to why it won’t work out. I self-sabotage the relationship before it even gets off the ground.
I realized that these actions are learned behaviors from my childhood trauma. I don’t trust many people and even the close friends that I do; I still have my guard up; always waiting and looking for any indication as to why I shouldn’t trust them. This creates problems, because any little hint of frustration from them or negative comment, I deeply internalize in a big way. This creates depression and insecurity for me and I automatically think they don’t like me and very soon the friendship will crumble. That is when I become unsure, needy and tend to act irrationally because of the fear of losing a very meaningful relationship/friendship in my life.
I have lived most of my life in a tremendous amount of loneliness. I wonder if I will ever be truly loved and if I will ever marry and feel valued. Being Lonely isn’t the same thing as being alone. I believe being lonely is inner emptiness caused by our pre-disposed image that we are not worthy of anything good, including loving friends, committed relationships and even God. Abuse survivors feel isolated in their emotions being closed people only letting a select few in. Those select few become our nucleus and we rely on them heavily which is not fair to them. Trust issues lead to our loneliness. If we trusted more we would have more people in our lives.
I was often lonely and depressed as a child and I have taken this into my adult life. As a result, I don’t have the ability to form social relationships in a healthy manner. I do get along with people but if they hurt me even once whether intentionally or unintentionally it is hard for me to trust them again, especially if they do not mean that much. I have a hard time speaking up for myself for fear that if I do that person will leave me. Therefore I sacrifice myself, my feelings, my emotions, and my dignity out of fear.
I have chosen a lot of the time to cut myself off from people because I am tired of being hurt by them. I have never been one to have a large number of friends. I can’t handle them. I feel socially isolated much of the times and my interpersonal skills sometimes suffer.
It has been noted that Childhood abuse creates two distinct interpersonal styles of relating: Both are dysfunctional and stem from the abuse. Adult survivors may adopt one of two interpersonal styles: avoidant or intrusive.
The avoidant style is characterized by low interdependency, low self-disclosure and low warmth. People with the avoidant style have few interpersonal ties and few friends. They are less likely to be involved in relationships with others and less likely to be married.
The intrusive style is at the opposite end of the spectrum. This is me for the most part. These People with the intrusive style have extreme needs for closeness. There is excessive self-disclosure, and relationships are smothering. This style is overly demanding and controlling of others. Both the avoidant and intrusive styles are dysfunctional and are likely to result in loneliness.
I recognized this monster early in my life. It is a chapter in my upcoming book “Shards Of Glass” called Monster’s in my Closet. I knew I had a dysfunctional way of relating to people when I was in middle school. I knew I had an addictive personality clinging on to those that met an unresolved emotional need within me. I knew my shortcomings then and the tendency for this behavior to resurface now, whenever I feel threatened or unappreciated feeling the friendship/relationship slipping away.
I wish I could just be “Normal” and relate in healthy manners with the people I love and care about. Every day is a constant battle to relate to people in societal healthy parameters. I don’t usually expect the friends I have to stick in my life and stay for long periods of time. I usually expect them to leave in tragic, gut wrenching ways leaving gaping holes in my life and in my heart!
My daily prayer is that I will continue to learn and recognize the new healthy ways to relate to people and the proper place to put those meaningful people in my life without relating to them unhealthily. I pray for healing and for discernment whenever I start to revert back into old patterns of relating. I pray for the courage and knowledge to step out of the negative patterns.
I don’t want to be lonely forever! I don’t want to be lonely one more day! I don’t want to suffer in loneliness and worthlessness for one minute longer! I refuse to let any past negative behaviors rule my present and my future! I am choosing to live in Victory and to live Positively with others from here on out! This is my Declaration to myself and the ones I love. I ask for forgiveness, understanding and patience as I move from ingrained relating patterns out into new uncharted waters! Stepping out in Faith that I can do this! I pray those friends who I have hurt and mistreated haven’t left me! But if they have, I trust that from here on out, my friendships will be healthy and meaningful.
I pray that I will never be lonely again!
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Learning to Hear NO's! I Have Boundary Issues...
As a former athlete and avid sports lover, I am all too familiar with the term Boundaries. I played various sports on a variety of playing fields, all having established boundaries and rules for play. To play outside of those boundaries was to commit a foul, resulting in a penalty in some form or fashion that could lead to a Loss! I understand and respect these boundaries in athletics, why can’t I understand and respect them when it comes to my interpersonal relationships?
I know that Boundary Issues are just one of the many issues we as Adult Survivors of any form of abuse suffer from. How I relate and operate is a by-product of my childhood abuse. It should never be an EXCUSE though, to keep violating and operating in unhealthy unbalanced ways with others! I recently had a situation brought to my attention by a dear friend. This person is someone, whom I continually overstep my boundaries with because of my own selfishness, wants, and needs. Do I respect this person? If they truly matter to me, then why do I disregard their requests and the affects my actions will have on them? They are respecting me and not trying to hurt me! Why can’t I abide within my friends comfort zone? Why do they have to keep reminding me over and over again, that I have crossed that imaginary line, which they have so clearly drawn in the sand for me?
To love and care about another whether it be in a relationship or friendship is to respect one another’s boundaries, thoughts and feelings. To play and operated within their comfort zone, their parameters. Playing outside those lines and not abiding by the rules will eventually lead to a loss! Continually acting in ways another has specifically expressed will lead to the loss of trust; respect not only from the person, but for you as well, equality and eventually, the friendship. In others words, you will lose the game by not following the rules.
My deprivation and abandonment in my youth has impacted me with inappropriate relational issues with others stemming from childhood physical and sexual abuse. I was never respected in my abuse, therefore I don’t ever expect to be respected by another, and in turn I don’t respect them either, when I fail to hear their “NO”, when it comes to their interpersonal boundary and what is comfortable with them.
One of the major effects of childhood physical and sexual abuse is having difficulty setting and maintaining personal boundaries. When a child is violated, there sense of self and others is violated as well. In my childhood I was physically, mentally and sexually abused by the age of five. My Boundaries and were violated so profoundly then, that I never learned them. They were repeatedly violated for the span of 14 years. My feelings were discounted and regarded with disdain. My father never respected my NO, so in turn; I never learned to set any boundaries for myself or learn to respect another person’s NO either.
The survivor of childhood sexual abuse is unable to recognize someone else’s boundaries. We learned early on that being abused is just the way the world IS. Having been denied the right to say NO and set appropriate boundaries for ourselves! I have failed miserably in recognizing another’s. Also, there may be an element of vindictiveness within me, since I had no choice in the matter, why should anyone else have one. Why are they so important? Why do they get to say No? Why?.. Because they matter! Just as you should have mattered at the time of your abuse!
I have never set personal boundaries for myself and I continually fail to respect the personal boundaries of others. I have tremendous difficulty in following the rules! So as an adult Survivor of childhood abuse I have gone through much of my life in a daze, never feeling strongly about anything, except my Faith, Family and Friends. In my personal healing I found that I had a difficult time feeling what I was feeling and recognizing how my selfish actions affected others. This too, is a trait my father displayed and I unconsciously incorporated into my Adult Relational Skills.
I have no clue how to operate within them. Personal boundaries are important in promoting a healthy balance and equality in relationships. They are beneficial in preserving the self apart from others. The other night I acted impulsively, giving no thought as to how my actions would seem to others. I was only looking at myself once again, not looking ahead as to how it would affect my friend and their emotions. Do I respect them? Do I hold what they say and how they feel dear? Does what makes them comfortable matter to me? YES IT DOES!
How long can I expect my friend or anyone else for that matter, to keep being patient, keep ignoring their own boundaries for the sake of me? I have no right to ask and to keep violating that person’s wishes and request. I have been selfish and I have seen the light. I don’t want to lose this game with my friend! I not only don’t want lose this one but any other due to not respecting their boundaries.
Recognizing that you have an issue is always the first step in conquering it. I have recognized this before years ago, but I have fallen into a rut again because of my own selfishness. I am determined to pull myself out though and to gain a deeper understanding as to why I discount another’s personal space. The more tools I have in my tool belt, the more effectively I will conquer yet another demon from the past. I pray my friend will continue to be patient as I prove to them my dedication to getting well from my past, not only for them and preserving the friendship; but for Future, Myself and My life.
I will WIN this Game!
Friday, May 31, 2013
Comfortable in Chaos
As an adult survivor of severe physical, mental, and emotional abuse, sexual molestation, and rape, I was constantly subjected, involved or a witness to everyday chaos in my home environment. There was no such thing as “Normal” in my household, and every day was filled with constant anxiety and fear for when the next horrifying event was going to happen. At that time, I did not realize how dysfunctional things were, I did not know that it was odd or strange to have every conversation or interaction end either in a fist fight/beating or a verbal altercation so damaging, it would take the paint off your skin.
What is Normal? Conforming to the standard or the common type, usual, not abnormal; regular, natural .
What is Chaos? The state of utter confusion, lacking any order or organization. -Dictionary.com.
Well, in an odd sense, my childhood was normal; I learned to conform to the standard, common regular traumatic daily events occurring. This was my “Normal” throughout my entire young and teen life. I did not know that these situations were wrong and abusive. I thought all families lived like this, at least when I was younger. I realized by age 10 that my family was severely “Messed Up!”
Every day was spent on guard, waiting for the next damaging or horrific event to occur. I learned to be hyper-vigilant, always in a fight or flight state, always scanning my environment for danger and adopt danger avoiding behaviors. Children who are raised in a physically, emotionally or sexually abusive environment live in a state of chaos. “Walking on Eggshells,” just waiting for the next event. This creates a pervasive fear, a common core belief developed by children in this situation is, “something bad is always going to happen.”
As adult survivors, we learned very early unacceptable ways of communication, coping, reacting, thinking and interacting with others. As most psychologists will concur, what happens during those first years of development has a strong influence later on in life. When children are exposed to adverse situations, such as violence and abuse, the outcomes of that play a significant role later in life and how we react.
In a normal, loving, nurturing environment where the child feels safe, protected and secure they grow up believing they are “Lovable” and that “People can be Trusted” and “The world is a safe place.”
I grew up believing just the opposite, that I am “Unworthy of Love or Good things in my life”; “Nobody can be Trusted”; “The World is a cruel/unsafe place,” and “Something bad is always going to happen!”
We learned our coping skills in a dysfunctional environment and carry them with us into the adult world, where they simply do not work! We have been so “Normal” in functioning in Chaos because it is all we have ever known. We interact with others; react to situations, display anger and outrage in very unacceptable, “Abnormal” ways. We often sabotage any happiness and relationship we do find, or when circumstances and issues in life are going smoothly because the dysfunctionalism is much more familiar, we can cope and deal with crisis better. Sometimes we do this unintentionally. We learned early that hopelessness, and haplessness was how we often felt and how life should be lived-In a constant state of Chaos and agony. I know I feel unworthy at times to have anything “Good” happen in my life. I often feel that I am unworthy of love and acceptance by others.
It is easy for me to reverting back into old patterns of thinking, interacting with friends/loved ones, emotions, and self-destructive actions. I have had to unlearn these negative coping skills that were engrained patterns from my youth. It is a constant daily battle not to let emotional triggers or stressful situations affect my life. My insane coping skills were taught at such a young age that things that are natural and normal to me, others find crazy and weird. When I am emotional and distraught the familiar mechanisms of coping come rushing back into my life and if not recognized immediately, will take hold causing irrational thinking and behaviors to surface. To the average person who did not grow up in chaos, they don’t understand the constant battle adult survivors of abuse suffer from. We seem abnormal and never thankful or content with the good in our lives. We think that at any moment that security can be ripped away, so rather than wait for the inevitable to happen we self-sabotage because the chaos and crisis feels and seems normal to us! We know how to operate, cope and adapt to chaos and crisis environments because it has been all we have ever known. We have no idea, until we have healed, and have learned positive coping skills by putting them in to daily practice, how to function “Normally” in society.
I am learning that I am worthy of “Great” things happening in my life. I am worthy of love, appreciation and value by others. I do not have to live in a constant state of chaos and crisis because it is physically, emotionally and mentally draining. I have learned to cognitively realize that those childhood belief no longer apply in my adult life or environment. I will not sabotage the positive good things in my life and will be surer to enjoy them when they are there. Happiness is not a feeling; it’s a state of mind, where you are content in whatsoever circumstance you’re in. Knowing and trusting that the Lord has “Got This.” I will not create crisis and chaos in my life!
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Surviving Until Thriving
Many times throughout my life I have been told by friends, “You’re just living and surviving, you not thriving in life.” After I would hear these comments echoed in my ears and mind, I would dismiss them thinking to myself, you have no idea what surviving really even means, so don’t tell me I need to thrive. Back when I was younger and in the midst of my most intense healing. I did not know how to thrive; I was barely surviving one day at a time, and even, one minute at a time most days. All of my life has been a constant struggle. I do not recall one time when I was truly “Thriving” in this world and felt happy until just recently with the completion of my first book. It was here that I totally released the past from its hold on my present. I was told just recently, that in order to be able to publically share my story with the world is a testament to my courage, strength and Healing!
For myself, I believe you have to take active steps in overcoming all the baggage and junk that attaches itself to you in being the victim of childhood abuse and trauma. While you are in the healing process, all you can do is survive. Trying to understand and regain your sense of self-worth and value. Unlearning negative, destructive behaviors and patterns from the past is intense work and carries with it, much emotional instability. I don’t know too many people who can thrive when they are in the midst of hell, such as this. Only other survivors understand this. Those people and friends in your life, who have not endured any childhood abuse, find it natural and easy to cope. But to the Adult Survivor of childhood trauma, life is very unnatural and hard due to the many underlying issues us as Adult Survivors face. To us it is a horrible, daunting uphill climb to reach the simple pleasures and ease that others have in enjoying life.
Thriving comes naturally, after years of actively working through the issues and regaining “Self”. I really hate it when someone, who has no idea what an Adult Survivor of childhood abuse goes through, says comments such as: “you just need to “let it go”; “Quit dwelling on it so much.” Well I did “let it all go”, when I was 19yrs old. I dismissed my past and pretended the events from childhood never happened. I was in denial, and “Letting Things Go”, is unrealistic advice. No matter how hard you let the past pains go, those tucked away issues will always resurface in some form or fashion, until you actively seek help and deal with them one by one. This takes years and cannot easily be healed just by forgetting, disassociating and denying the past. There is no magic wand in healing!
My Issues from childhood were these:
• Poor Self Esteem & Self Loathing
• Fear of Rejection
• Relationships/Intimacy
• Disassociation
• Anxiety
• Trust
• Greif
• Guilt & Shame
• Anger
• Self-Destructiveness
• Loneliness
• Co-Dependence
• Depression
• Idealization
• Boundaries
Healing and Thriving doesn’t mean that past issues will never resurface in our daily lives again, but when they do, you can quickly deal with the temporary emotion, thoughts or triggers, and then constructively compartmentalize them and “Move On,” refusing to remain “stuck” in the experience for long. Thriving means pulling yourself right back out when you start to revert back into unhealthy coping patterns and thinking.
To me, thriving does not mean “tip toeing through the tulips” or turning cartwheels constantly either. I believe it’s about being free and not held a captive to the past, staying in that same despairing place you once were. It is reaching, stretching and growing forward. Reclaiming your life and still dealing with the pain, but not “focusing” on it anymore!
I have chosen to transform the negative events from my childhood trauma into positive attributes. I have compassion, understanding, tenderness, empathy, sympathy, loyalty, honesty, integrity and forgiveness. I am continually moving forward and I refuse to just stay “Stuck in Survivor mode”. I have learned to Triumph through the Trauma! “I am not where I want to be, but Praise God I am not where I USE to be!” – Joyce Myer
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Emotional Neediness
I was recently told by a dear friend that my neediness is sometimes overwhelming and frustrating to deal with. She seemed angry that my interactions or texts with her and others sometimes seem desperate, where I look unsure,unconfident,and helpless. I asked her why this bothered her so much and she said, “Because I don’t want others to see you as this needy helpless person. You should have more pride and respect for yourself.” Her concern was not selfish but spoken to help me see my actions and be a better person and act differently.
Since this conversation my Neediness has been on my mind. I am a confident person most of the time but when life circumstances or emotional swings occur all I hear in my head, are these words, yelled at me by my father throughout my entire childhood; “Your fat, stupid, ugly, never going to amount to anything.” Those words, no matter how desperately I try to prove wrong, seem to surface constantly, especially in my interactions with friends. I do have denial and although I pride myself on being a very unselfish person, when it comes to my emotional needs being met I do tend to become very selfish with others at times, especially when I start to panic, and I want them to make me “Feel Better.”
It is not my friends, family or anyone else’s responsibility to make ME feel, Loved, Appreciated, Accepted, or Valued. I must! I am the only person who can. These emotional needs stem from my lack of self-esteem, which was shattered, due to my childhood abuse and abandonment. I never see myself as a victim, however these traits are ingrained in the Adult Survivor and unless they are seriously dealt with by a professional and brought to light, the consequences WILL lead to many failed relationships and the loss of important people in your life.
My major fear is “Rejection,” and that fear makes my behavior irrational at times. I interpret events or actions by other in the context of this fear. It is then processed and filtered through my anxiety and I quickly start to panic. I am usually unaware that I am being needy with people as these are habits and tendencies ingrained in me from childhood. I then think and act irrationally and become NEEDY!
Neediness is a weakness and I know I rely on my friends for much of my support, I always have and especially in high school, they were ALL I had. My family was not where I gained any emotional support or stability. It is where it was torn apart by my father’s extreme abuse. I have taken this pattern into my adult life and until the other day; I have never really had someone hold a mirror in front of myself, causing me to not like what I see regarding my neediness. My friend has mentioned this before, but until the other day I dismissed her comments and continued to be selfish in my needs. I should never let anyone control my worth and happiness. I am the only person, through God’s love and tender healing that can build me up. It is okay for someone to make me happy, but they cannot be my only source. I cannot get angry or upset when they are not around, demanding their time or constant interactions. Those people will soon feel guilty, obligated and eventually they may even become resentful towards you because you are just “Too Much.”
Neediness also stems from lack of trust. As an Adult survivor of abuse I have tremendous trust issues and fear that I am not good enough for anyone. I feel that I am always the inferior person in whatever the relationship and I then take on the needy role. I am not a weak person, and in fact many of my friends have said in some form or fashion that, “You are the strongest person I have ever met.” If I am so strong then why am I needy and appear weak?
Even though I don’t want to be in denial or make any excuses regarding this, I do carry “baggage” from my less than perfect childhood. I pray my friends; family will understand that I am a work in progress that I am actively pursuing change and to relate on healthy levels of equals with those I hold dear. I am not inferior, I am not weak, and I am not in need of someone else to make me feel better about myself.
An analogy I read that has really helped me in gauging my interactions with friends is viewing conversations and interactions with others as a game of Tennis. You initiate contact; you hit the ball into their court and wait for its return. You don’t start to immediately panic, thinking they don’t like you or you’re not important enough for them to respond timely back towards you, when that ball is not hit back directly. They may be very busy, have many obligations, dealing with issues themselves or because, you are bothering them too much, becoming a nuisance, an energy zapper rather than a friend!
There are days when we all feel vulnerable and crave encouragement. Where we need to vent our feelings or just need someone to tell us how special and wonderful we are. There is nothing wrong with that. But if we require such affirmations continuously, then those relationships and friendships will soon crumble because people do not like to be so needed by another all the time. I know I don’t like that either and it amazes me that the very thing I really can’t stand about someone else, is within me.
Starting today I am actively aware now of my tendencies and will change this destructive pattern. I am growing every day and I am thankful I have true friends who do actually care by sharing with me the truth regarding my unhealthy actions instead of just walking away or bailing on me! I am thankful for my friend who shared this with me not to hurt me but to help me be a better person and friend! I am not helpless!
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Abandonment Issues...
I remember one Sunday afternoon all of my family and I piled in the car for an afternoon drive. On occasion, when my father was in a good mood and relatively stable, we would go to the local Ice Cream Parlor and get milkshakes then take a long scenic drive in the country. I look forward to them as it was usually a fun time and I Loved "Milkshakes!" Who Doesn't? On this particular day as we were driving I don't recall exactly what I said or did but my father stops the car on this desolate country road and pushes me out of the car. I immediately think to myself, "This must be a joke or something." It was no Joke! He slams the car door and then continues down the road with my family, leaving me abandoned and all alone on the side of the road. I stand there for what seems like an eternity gazing in the direction my family followed eagerly awaiting to see the car turn back around and come and rescue me. The car was nowhere in sight. I began walking back in the opposite direction as I had an idea as to where this road led. As I was walking I started to panic, tears streamed down my face, my heart was racing and my breathing out of control. I then started a slight jog and then a full blown sprint. Running as fast as my legs would carry me. I don’t recall how long I was on that side of the road, alone and frightened but I do know it was for at least a half an hour. There is a lot of panic and stress that can occur within that time frame. My mother says she pleaded for my father to turn around and so did my siblings. He would not. But eventually, after he assumed I had suffered enough he did come back for me.
That scenario and the countless others I endured as a child left me feeling abandoned and not protected by those who were supposed to be my protectors. I do not blame my Mother; she was at the mercy of my father on many occasions. She tried her best to protect and care for us, but she too was a victim of sever Domestic Violence and often was fighting for her life as well.
As an adult I have a fear of Abandonment and Rejection that is overwhelming most of the time. I know the emotions and thoughts and I try desperately to take every thought captive to the knowledge and obedience of Jesus Christ, but often I succumb re-creating the experience of being abandoned in my relationships. I am scared of connecting with people on any level for fear they will run away! If the relationship is of great importance to me the greater the risk and more is at stake which then leads me to act unhealthy in the relationship. I try to control them; I am hyper-vigilant for anything they do that appears as withdrawal and constantly seek reassurance that they are not going to leave me.
Most people who are unfamiliar with how the effects of child abuse damage the adult with almost every area of relating in relationships, emotions, thoughts, self-esteem and will run! They see our behavior as “Weird” and “Crazy”, when all we are trying to do is ensure that they love us back, care for us and will stand by our side no matter what. I have driven many close friendships and relationships away because of these behaviors.
I am learning to live in the present with my Relationships and not look into the future where fear and the unknown reside. I am learning to accept the Relationships/Friendships where they are presently are and not focus on the gamble of them leaving me. It is a hard lesson to learn and I have lost a lot of meaningful people in my life as a result of my fear of Abandonment. It is a never-ending process and one that I have yet to master. It is part of the recovery, part of self-examination. I want desperately to have people who love me in my life, but the fear and rejection is so strong that it is a constant battle. In a few select friendships, I have managed to trust by them proving they are people who will “Stick”. Those successes help me to strive again in trying to build positive Relationships. I want friends/relationships and desperately need them in my life. An amazing quote by C.S. Lewis that I used in my book sums up how I feel regarding people and friendships: “Friendship is unnecessary, like Philosophy, Like Art. It has no survival value; Rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Preface to My Memoir "Shards of Glass"
PREFACE
This project all started when THE question was asked by a dear friend of mine … Were you ever Raped? My snap, knee jerk reply was “NO ‘Just’ molested.” Like THAT was OK? We later joked about the denial. My response seemed ‘funny’. While I have shared with my close friends snap shots of my past, and certain stories or memories that had come to mind, none had directly asked me that question before. I remember driving home from her house, which was a good hour and a half drive. My mind raced into the wee hours of the night.
The person who asked me that was once a dear friend. On the night of that infamous question, I had paid her a surprise visit with a Christmas gift for her children. I had not been actively in her life, as a close friend, for over three years. My friend and I met through work, and formed a deep friendship that later crumbled; compliments of my childhood, my suppressed emotions, ingrained and insane coping skills. Three years later, almost to the day, and after dedicated prayers to the Lord for reconciliation, we reconnected and our friendship was restored! The Lord does answer prayers, so be careful what you pray for.
“I was only praying for reconciliation in our friendship, not to write a damn book!”
Based upon memories and dreams I have had over the years, I found myself answering the question, via text, that had been asked in our conversation a few weeks before. Her reaction was not what I had hoped for; it scared her away once again. It was not what I shared that pushed her back; it was because she felt so badly about it. When she pulled away again though, I was left with one of my most dreaded emotions, REJECTION. I felt she had abandoned me because of what I had shared and that she thought I was some weird, messed up person. I was angry because I finally thought I had shared the right memories and had been rejected for it. I had kept quiet about my memories for years — not wanting to remember, forcing the images back down deep within and only recalling “Snap Shots”.
The next few weeks were some of my darkest. I was already months into being unemployed, feeling desperate and with no direction. I was on my knees praying to God for deliverance, direction, strength, peace, reconciliation with friends, basically for everything and anything. I spent those weeks doing some heavy soul searching and being as honest with myself as I have ever been. God was there in the midst, as my previous employer was fighting me on unemployment. I had no money, saw no future, and had no friends in arms reach. A desperate state of being I’ll tell you. God answered yet again… I received my unemployment and they paid me retroactively, which relieved a lot of stress. I did not know at the time that God was also about to answer a few other requests and send me on a journey of blind faith. During that time the Lord showed me more love and peace than I had ever known!
Three days later, I went to a baby shower close to where Marivel lived, so I decided that I was going to try one last time with my friend. I wanted to tell her that I was not the same person she knew a few years earlier. I remember pulling up to her house and just sitting in the driveway and praying. When I walked up to her door, I prayed,“Lord please prepare her heart for what I have to say”. When she opened the door I was shaking, I was so nervous. Needless to say, we picked back up where we left off, three years prior. We laughed, cried and drank a glass of wine. She wanted to know more about my past so I told her story after story of the horrific pain and anguish I went through. I shared with her everything I could remember at the time. She was deeply moved and said to me, “you need to write a book”. I told her my story is like so many others, it’s not that different. She then said something that changed my whole perspective. She said, “I have never known anyone with a story like yours. I have never had anyone share what you have shared with me. You read about similar struggles or see movies about them but seldom to you personally know someone or are friends with someone with this kind of story.”
She was not the first person who ever suggested to me that I should write a book but she will be the last! I have known for years that the story of my childhood needed to be used somehow to help others. I have felt something in my spirit that said I needed to write a book. When those thoughts would come to the forefront, I would just dismiss them and go back on about my life. When Marivel said it that night, after three years of no friendship and hardly any contact, it struck a nerve so deep. I know it was the Lord’s gentle nudge and a confirmation to what I already knew in my heart I had to do.
After that conversation, I knew completely how the Lord had used her in my life. I was encouraged, on January 28, 2013 to officially post on my Facebook page. “I am going to write a book! Detailing things from my traumatic childhood! After years of knowing I should do this, and after the wise words of a dear friend and much prayer, I will start this journey and trust that God will use it for HIS purpose and the healing of others!”
This book is a journey into my world. Through the terrified eyes of a child, I will share the pain and torment inflicted on my family and me; by my father... Nobody was left unscathed. My research for this book comes from the countless books I have read on the subject, endless counseling sessions and through my best recollections of childhood. The events that happened in my childhood coupled with the tragedy upon tragedies that my family experienced has made me an expert on my pain and the struggles that I have carried for forty four years of my life.
After leaving my friend’s house that night, I wished I would have told her the truth right then, but I was scared to give life to my memories. Speaking them or writing them makes it real! Was what I shared with her really the truth or my vibrant imagination? I started to try to remember and recount if my father had ever raped me. I know I was molested; severely abused physically and mentally tormented. Some of these memories, I know without any doubt happened. Those memories are so vivid I feel like I am right there and it is happening all over again. I can see the images; I recognize the surroundings and hear the words, and feel the physical pain. There are some thoughts that only come in snapshots or flashbacks. I recall all of my dreams. They are graphic and have lots of detail. Those dreams wake me up from a deep sleep and in a cold sweat. When I awake, I am overwhelmed with relief when I realize it was only in my dreams and not actually happening again. When I dream those dreams, it helps me put the pieces of the puzzle together. Even as I write these words though, I am still unsure. I hope that through the course of this journey I will find that the account I gave her was what actually happened. Better still would be that my father will eventually admit to all that he did, and that in doing so fill in the empty gaps that self-preservation just will not allow me to remember completely. But that one question, “Were you raped” still resounds in my thoughts and has sent my memories into overdrive. I am so frustrated because I know what I know, but at the same time, I do not know. I think it happened, have the images that prove it did, but I do not have the 100% cognitive recollection to substantiate it. “Was I just dreaming it, or did it really happen?”
I trust Marivel was right, and that this is something people will identify with; be moved by, touched and healed through reading. I do not write this to hurt my father, to disgrace his name, out of anger or to get back at him. I have sincerely made my peace and have forgiven him for the past because I have come to realize that he too, was a victim of generational abuse, and his actions were a direct reaction to things he experienced himself as a child. That does not dismiss what he did and how he emotionally, physically and permanently altered the childhoods of four little children.
“I do not write this for fame or fortune. I write this to be obedient to the Lord and what I know to be His inner voice in my spirit. I write this because as I was figuring out who I was and why I acted, felt and thought the way I did, it was so comforting and reassuring to read my struggles in someone else’s book and know that I am not ALONE. That yes, others out there have experienced the same or very similar experiences and have overcome all the illness that comes with being an adult survivor of experiencing spousal, sexual, physical and emotional abuse. I write this to be a legacy as I have no kids of my own nor do I think I will ever. I write this to finally share that inner horror that I have been held a prisoner in for so very long. I write this to end the cycle in our family of abuse and destructiveness. I write this for my healing and to have no secrets anymore! I write this to be used by someone else to experience freedom and peace. This book is not a self-help book with intellectual facts and studies on the effects of child abuse. I am not a professional writer nor do I claim to be an expert on abuse, stolen innocence, fear or trauma. This is simply a memoir of my childhood and most importantly my PAST, what I endured, how I tried to cope, how I failed but most importantly that I survived and how the Lord is continuing to heal me day by day. The day this is published will be the day my life is once again, forever altered!”
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