We Live in a "Throw Difficult People Away Society"

As I sit here thinking about all that has transpired in my life over the last 7 months I am amazed at the trials and tribulations I have Suffered and Endured.
I have been 7 months unemployed; wrote a Personal Memoir on Childhood Abuse; been in a very serious car accident, where I totaled my car injuring myself badly and still recuperating, was almost Sued over that accident; Unemployment was fought by my previous employer; had to purchase another car with no money in the bank having to rely on my Mom’s resources; submitted over 300 applications with no job prospects in sight and very few interviews; lost friends in my life due to my erratic behaviors; now, currently running out of unemployment; and having to move out of my apt. by the end of the month, because I can’t pay the rent.

Compound to that, the “Triggers” and “Flashbacks” from writing my book, the panic attacks, anxiety, fear, abandonment, loneliness, confusion, nightmares and the reliving of my Rape account that I had suppressed for almost 28 yrs. – YES! I guess you could say that I am a mess!

However, I am a FIGHTER! I do look within myself and try to change the negative effects from my past daily! I do pray every day, and often; for Wisdom, Understanding, Healing and Change. I have acted irrationally lately; I have overstepped the boundaries of others; I have been angry and lashed out over the circumstances in my life; I have withdrawn; I do feel depressed and down; I am uncertain about my livelihood and YET I am still STANDING!

My point to all of this is “Such is Life”, “Life on Life’s Terms” Right? It throws many curve balls and is not always easy to adapt to. These turbulent storms seem like the way of life to an Adult Survivor of Abuse. Just dealing with the ever day issues of life is enough but then add to that the long reaching effects of that abuse into our Adult lives; the daily internal pain, doubt, fear, rejection and thoughts that we have….Adult Survivors are often seem like a “Hot Mess” to others. Our family, friends, partners, co-workers they all have their hidden opinions of us. That we are weird, Crazy, abnormal, unpredictable, unstable, moody, negative, and even insane at times. Those people back away and most Throw Us Away, because being in OUR lives and US in theirs, takes “WORK!”

We are DAMAGED individuals living in a Society of “I don’t have time,” “I want easy, positive people in my life,” “You’re too difficult” “You’re too needy;” - “Basically were Throw-Away people, because we require so much work! We are not bad people though, and usually make for the most loyal, loving, understanding, committed friends, lovers, co-workers a person could ever have…that is if they can put up with our baggage long enough for us to change, and trust them!

Here is what I want Secondary Survivors to know and understand – There is a reason why we are like this! We are by-products from our abusive pasts and all we strive on a daily basis is to feel and be; “Normal,” loved, understood, valued, and accepted.

Secondary Survivors can be the following; our spouse, partner, boyfriend/girlfriend, family, children and friends.

I know it is not their responsibility to change us, but it is their responsibility to understand us! Especially if they love and care and want us in their lives! We are not perfect people, nobody is! It is OUR responsibility to get help, learn our behaviors, to change the negative and to strive to move out of our pasts, into our present, moving towards our FUTURE!

The cause’s for our extreme behavior, thoughts and actions stems from any one of the following forms of abuse we endured as children; the physical abuse we received or witnessed; the violation of our boundaries; the abandonment and lack of nurturing we experienced; the damage to our self-esteem and worth; the abandonment and isolation; alcohol abuse from a parent; mental and psychological torment just to name the biggies!

There are many publications and information out there to help educate the masses on how and why we feel and do what we do. I am also the Adult Child of an Alcoholic and that brings another slew of issues into my life. In fact there are 14 traits that accompany that form of trauma as well.

Here they are: (I am many of them!) Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic

1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
3. We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism.
4. We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another
compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick
abandonment needs.
5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that
weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us
to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to
look too closely at our own faults, etc.
7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in
to others.
8. We became addicted to excitement.
9. We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity"
and "rescue."
10. We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost
the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much
(Denial).
11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will
do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience
painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick
people who were never there emotionally for us.
13. Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on
the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the
drink.
14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.

I wish others were more patient, understanding, loving, caring, and compassionate when it comes to dealing with ANY Adult Survivor of physical abuse, alcoholism, molestation, sexual violation, rape, mental anguish, abandonment, rejection. They don’t understand that one negative comment that validates the past is enough to send our lives into a chaotic downward spiral. They don’t see how there pulling away or removal of a Relationship/Friendship is the ultimate betrayal and releases intense feelings of rejection and unworthiness into our lives. They don’t understand that a harsh word can completely ruin our days. BUT I wish they did!

I love so many people that don’t seem to love me back. I know that I have much growing and changing still left to be completely “Whole”. My fervent pray is that the people I love will see my value, my worth and have patience and understanding as I heal! I love you my friends...you know who you are!

Please don’t “Throw Me AWAY!!”

Learning in Loneliness

I am a social butterfly. I love people for the most part. They are a drug to me I enjoy the interactions and I especially enjoy my close friends and family. I am not built to be alone, yet here I am alone again. I have been alone my whole life, never marrying and I have no kids. I have do not have many romantic relationships and the ones I do never last for very long. As soon as the relationship becomes more intimate than “just friends”, I run the other way, usually finding an excuse as to why it won’t work out. I self-sabotage the relationship before it even gets off the ground.

I realized that these actions are learned behaviors from my childhood trauma. I don’t trust many people and even the close friends that I do; I still have my guard up; always waiting and looking for any indication as to why I shouldn’t trust them. This creates problems, because any little hint of frustration from them or negative comment, I deeply internalize in a big way. This creates depression and insecurity for me and I automatically think they don’t like me and very soon the friendship will crumble. That is when I become unsure, needy and tend to act irrationally because of the fear of losing a very meaningful relationship/friendship in my life.

I have lived most of my life in a tremendous amount of loneliness. I wonder if I will ever be truly loved and if I will ever marry and feel valued. Being Lonely isn’t the same thing as being alone. I believe being lonely is inner emptiness caused by our pre-disposed image that we are not worthy of anything good, including loving friends, committed relationships and even God. Abuse survivors feel isolated in their emotions being closed people only letting a select few in. Those select few become our nucleus and we rely on them heavily which is not fair to them. Trust issues lead to our loneliness. If we trusted more we would have more people in our lives.

I was often lonely and depressed as a child and I have taken this into my adult life. As a result, I don’t have the ability to form social relationships in a healthy manner. I do get along with people but if they hurt me even once whether intentionally or unintentionally it is hard for me to trust them again, especially if they do not mean that much. I have a hard time speaking up for myself for fear that if I do that person will leave me. Therefore I sacrifice myself, my feelings, my emotions, and my dignity out of fear.

I have chosen a lot of the time to cut myself off from people because I am tired of being hurt by them. I have never been one to have a large number of friends. I can’t handle them. I feel socially isolated much of the times and my interpersonal skills sometimes suffer.

It has been noted that Childhood abuse creates two distinct interpersonal styles of relating: Both are dysfunctional and stem from the abuse. Adult survivors may adopt one of two interpersonal styles: avoidant or intrusive.

The avoidant style is characterized by low interdependency, low self-disclosure and low warmth. People with the avoidant style have few interpersonal ties and few friends. They are less likely to be involved in relationships with others and less likely to be married.

The intrusive style is at the opposite end of the spectrum. This is me for the most part. These People with the intrusive style have extreme needs for closeness. There is excessive self-disclosure, and relationships are smothering. This style is overly demanding and controlling of others. Both the avoidant and intrusive styles are dysfunctional and are likely to result in loneliness.

I recognized this monster early in my life. It is a chapter in my upcoming book “Shards Of Glass” called Monster’s in my Closet. I knew I had a dysfunctional way of relating to people when I was in middle school. I knew I had an addictive personality clinging on to those that met an unresolved emotional need within me. I knew my shortcomings then and the tendency for this behavior to resurface now, whenever I feel threatened or unappreciated feeling the friendship/relationship slipping away.

I wish I could just be “Normal” and relate in healthy manners with the people I love and care about. Every day is a constant battle to relate to people in societal healthy parameters. I don’t usually expect the friends I have to stick in my life and stay for long periods of time. I usually expect them to leave in tragic, gut wrenching ways leaving gaping holes in my life and in my heart!

My daily prayer is that I will continue to learn and recognize the new healthy ways to relate to people and the proper place to put those meaningful people in my life without relating to them unhealthily. I pray for healing and for discernment whenever I start to revert back into old patterns of relating. I pray for the courage and knowledge to step out of the negative patterns.

I don’t want to be lonely forever! I don’t want to be lonely one more day! I don’t want to suffer in loneliness and worthlessness for one minute longer! I refuse to let any past negative behaviors rule my present and my future! I am choosing to live in Victory and to live Positively with others from here on out! This is my Declaration to myself and the ones I love. I ask for forgiveness, understanding and patience as I move from ingrained relating patterns out into new uncharted waters! Stepping out in Faith that I can do this! I pray those friends who I have hurt and mistreated haven’t left me! But if they have, I trust that from here on out, my friendships will be healthy and meaningful.

I pray that I will never be lonely again!

Learning to Hear NO's! I Have Boundary Issues...

As a former athlete and avid sports lover, I am all too familiar with the term Boundaries. I played various sports on a variety of playing fields, all having established boundaries and rules for play. To play outside of those boundaries was to commit a foul, resulting in a penalty in some form or fashion that could lead to a Loss! I understand and respect these boundaries in athletics, why can’t I understand and respect them when it comes to my interpersonal relationships?

I know that Boundary Issues are just one of the many issues we as Adult Survivors of any form of abuse suffer from. How I relate and operate is a by-product of my childhood abuse. It should never be an EXCUSE though, to keep violating and operating in unhealthy unbalanced ways with others! I recently had a situation brought to my attention by a dear friend. This person is someone, whom I continually overstep my boundaries with because of my own selfishness, wants, and needs. Do I respect this person? If they truly matter to me, then why do I disregard their requests and the affects my actions will have on them? They are respecting me and not trying to hurt me! Why can’t I abide within my friends comfort zone? Why do they have to keep reminding me over and over again, that I have crossed that imaginary line, which they have so clearly drawn in the sand for me?

To love and care about another whether it be in a relationship or friendship is to respect one another’s boundaries, thoughts and feelings. To play and operated within their comfort zone, their parameters. Playing outside those lines and not abiding by the rules will eventually lead to a loss! Continually acting in ways another has specifically expressed will lead to the loss of trust; respect not only from the person, but for you as well, equality and eventually, the friendship. In others words, you will lose the game by not following the rules.

My deprivation and abandonment in my youth has impacted me with inappropriate relational issues with others stemming from childhood physical and sexual abuse. I was never respected in my abuse, therefore I don’t ever expect to be respected by another, and in turn I don’t respect them either, when I fail to hear their “NO”, when it comes to their interpersonal boundary and what is comfortable with them.

One of the major effects of childhood physical and sexual abuse is having difficulty setting and maintaining personal boundaries. When a child is violated, there sense of self and others is violated as well. In my childhood I was physically, mentally and sexually abused by the age of five. My Boundaries and were violated so profoundly then, that I never learned them. They were repeatedly violated for the span of 14 years. My feelings were discounted and regarded with disdain. My father never respected my NO, so in turn; I never learned to set any boundaries for myself or learn to respect another person’s NO either.

The survivor of childhood sexual abuse is unable to recognize someone else’s boundaries. We learned early on that being abused is just the way the world IS. Having been denied the right to say NO and set appropriate boundaries for ourselves! I have failed miserably in recognizing another’s. Also, there may be an element of vindictiveness within me, since I had no choice in the matter, why should anyone else have one. Why are they so important? Why do they get to say No? Why?.. Because they matter! Just as you should have mattered at the time of your abuse!

I have never set personal boundaries for myself and I continually fail to respect the personal boundaries of others. I have tremendous difficulty in following the rules! So as an adult Survivor of childhood abuse I have gone through much of my life in a daze, never feeling strongly about anything, except my Faith, Family and Friends. In my personal healing I found that I had a difficult time feeling what I was feeling and recognizing how my selfish actions affected others. This too, is a trait my father displayed and I unconsciously incorporated into my Adult Relational Skills.

I have no clue how to operate within them. Personal boundaries are important in promoting a healthy balance and equality in relationships. They are beneficial in preserving the self apart from others. The other night I acted impulsively, giving no thought as to how my actions would seem to others. I was only looking at myself once again, not looking ahead as to how it would affect my friend and their emotions. Do I respect them? Do I hold what they say and how they feel dear? Does what makes them comfortable matter to me? YES IT DOES!

How long can I expect my friend or anyone else for that matter, to keep being patient, keep ignoring their own boundaries for the sake of me? I have no right to ask and to keep violating that person’s wishes and request. I have been selfish and I have seen the light. I don’t want to lose this game with my friend! I not only don’t want lose this one but any other due to not respecting their boundaries.

Recognizing that you have an issue is always the first step in conquering it. I have recognized this before years ago, but I have fallen into a rut again because of my own selfishness. I am determined to pull myself out though and to gain a deeper understanding as to why I discount another’s personal space. The more tools I have in my tool belt, the more effectively I will conquer yet another demon from the past. I pray my friend will continue to be patient as I prove to them my dedication to getting well from my past, not only for them and preserving the friendship; but for Future, Myself and My life.

I will WIN this Game!