I have always loved Christmas! It is my favorite time of the year! Thanksgiving and Christmas are wonderful holidays. A time of being thankful, magical excitement, gatherings, parties, holiday music, and Christian plays and concerts. It is that time of the year where everyone seems to be happy and giving. Unfortunately, for many adult survivors of abuse spending time with family, friends and traveling back home to past environments that once caused us so much agony and pain can be a dreadful time of the year. How do we, that have so much baggage from the past, survive the holidays? It is not the most wonderful time of the year for many survivors! Instead it is a time filled with dread, anxiety, fear and depression. It can stem from painfully hard memories such as I have or from revisiting abusers and environments where the initial pain from childhood occurred.
I am grateful that I can now enjoy the holiday season without many of the regrets I once had. When I was younger after I moved from home and would go to visit I was always excited. I looked forward to seeing my mother and my siblings but dreaded the interactions I would have with my father. None-the-less, I looked forward to seeing my family. It came at a great price usually. After my visit home I would return and be a complete and total mess reverting back into the fear of my childhood. I would have so much anger and rage that I lashed out in many situations and with friends. It would take weeks for me to level out and regain some normalcy in relating and functioning again. I did not know it at the time but what I had experienced was a “Triggering” from revisiting the environment in which so many horrors resided. It took me some time to realize that the fear and emotional trauma resurfaced from the PTSD I suffered as a child. I have learned to deal with the triggers more effectively today and they don’t rock my world like they use to earlier in my healing journey.
The holidays are full of tragic events for me that have taken many years to reach a place where I can actually look forward and enjoy them now. As I have grown in my healing it has become much easier to go back to my home town for visits and see people and places that were once very painful. To share the most triggering events for me from my past is important to show others that even with horrific situations and memories, that you too can reach a point of peace and joy for the holiday season and regain that magic you once had in your youth.
On Christmas morning when I was twelve my next door neighbor was killed in a tragic house fire. She was an elderly woman and due to the extreme frigid temperatures, the space heater caught fire. In my book, “Shards of Glass,” I recount the details of that day and the everlasting scars that seared me so personally. Whether I consciously or subconsciously want to remember or not, those vivid images flash back into my thoughts every Christmas day, and at some point I always remember my neighbor and that fateful Christmas day in 1981.
Thanksgiving was also a rough time of the year until I realized I was not responsible for the “What If’s” or “I should Have,” for this one particular memory. I had a very dear friend’s sister, whom I knew very well commit suicide exactly one week prior. Katelyn and her sister were like family to me at the time. Katelyn’s sister had been struggling with severe depression for months prior to the day she decided she just couldn’t go on. I tired the best I could with Sara Lisa to offer support, advice, and just listen to her pain. Her family was concerned but had no idea the deep level of depression Sara Lisa was suffering from. I was with Katelyn the day she would speak with her sister for the very last time. I remember that when Katelyn hung up the phone her stating that she just got a really weird call from Sara Lisa. I asked her why it was weird and she said, “Because Sara Lisa told me how much she loved me and that she would always love me. She never says that.” I remember thinking for a split second that Sara Lisa was in trouble but quickly shrugged it off. Soon afterwards, I was driving home and thought of stopping by Sara Lisa’s apartment to check in on her. I wish I had, because a short time after that phone call she took a gun and ended her life. I have always felt that if I would have stopped by and went with my gut feeling that Sara Lisa would still be alive today. That year Thanksgiving was significantly horrible and void of any meaning. I was numb from grief and had no clue how to help my friend cope with her tremendous loss. We would later have a falling out because of the intense grief Katelyn was suffering from.
I haven’t visited New York for either Thanksgiving or Christmas in 10 years. The last time I was there it was especially memorable and devastating. It is marked with great regret and guilt even to this day. Overall that year in 2003 it was a pleasant time of visiting family and friends. My father was on his best behavior for the most part and there was not much drama. The event that hurt me the most and causes severe regret today was an intense fight that occurred between my brother and me. We had gone out to the area pub to reconnect and reminisce with old friends. It was a wonderful time of laughing, joking and holiday cocktails. Unfortunately, afterwards it turned ugly rather quickly and we had an intense fight over something I don’t even recall today. There were many harsh words slung back and forth and afterwards I remember racing up to my room and just crying like a baby. I was so badly triggered and hurt by the fight. Thankfully the next day we reconciled and things between us returned to normal. I left to travel back home new year’s eve. Three days after that fight, my life would be forever altered as my dear and only brother was killed in a car accident devastating us all. The regret of having that fight just 3 days before his death and it happening over the Christmas and New Year’s holiday has always left a deep scar.
It is still a stressful time for me and my family causing me pressure and anxiety. The loss of my brother is amplified because the lack of his presence is so noticeable, riddled with memories, regret, remorse, guilt, anger and depression. It has taken almost ten years to find some sense of peace, excitement and courage to even want to celebrate my favorite time of the year again. It has been through great healing from the pain and my faith in the Lord that I have learned to anticipate and enjoy the holiday season. I denied myself that right for years feeling like I would be doing a disgrace to be happy after my brother’s, neighbor’s and friend’s deaths.
For the adult survivor other significant holidays and days such as birthdays or anniversaries can be a very painful time when memories reemerge. Survivors want to sometimes retreat and not participate in holiday functions. It is vitally important that each of us be kind and takes care of ourselves in the decisions we make regarding the holidays. If you know a survivor of childhood abuse, check up on them. Invite them to celebrations and try to include them. I know sometimes I want to retreat and hide but I also want to be included and feel loved with invites and thoughtful gestures. Someone may be hurting and you may be that person who can offer that love and security that they need.
My advice to all of us out there is to remember to honor ourselves and don’t abandon your right to feel happy over the holidays. It is ok to celebrate and to be vigilant so as not to be violated or threatened in anyway when we’re around those past environments or people. Remember you are not a child anymore and you have the power to step out of harm’s way anytime you feel uncomfortable or threatened. You have the right and power now to protect yourself and say “NO” if it doesn’t feel right. Take others who you feel “Safe” with and trust with you to visit family and places that could be potential triggers. My last advice is to stay sober and have a clear head. Alcohol can be the catalyst for arguments and the loss of restraint, resulting in situations that could have otherwise been avoided.
I share a little of the tragedy from my life and especially around the holidays to offer hope that there is always a way through. That no matter what you have endured from the past or are currently going through, that over time – you can heal. You can reach a point where even the most severe, devastating pain does not completely control your emotions. You can find meaning and happiness again.
I am not an expert on how to survive the holidays but I know what works for me and how I have coped with them. I still feel a huge relief after Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s and the death date of my brother, (January 3rd), has passed. I don’t know if I will ever fully be able to have the wonderment and excitement for the holidays that I once had but I promise you that I am going to give it 100% every holiday season to enjoy what I have in front of me and the people I still have in my life, celebrating the joy of the season and of my dear saviors birth!
I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Healing New Year.
Shards of Glass “From Tragedy and Trauma Comes Redemption and Triumph!” https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore
