“The people who are meant to be
in your life are the ones who know
how to gently wait for you to heal.”
how to gently wait for you to heal.”
Two days after my suicide attempt Penelope agreed to meet
Stephen and I for lunch so that I could share with her what I had come to
realize a month prior before our friendship disintegrated. This was a huge move
for Penelope because she was afraid of me at that point and her family wanted
her to not go. She told her family that this was between her and me and to stay
out of it.
When Stephen and I were waiting for Penelope to arrive, my
emotions were running wild. I was a nervous wreck to say the least. I was still
recovering from the overdose and I was shaky and exhausted. As she approached
my heart raced. We all made small talk for a few and then Stephen started off
the conversation. Penelope was visibly defensive and had all her walls up. I
started to share with her about all the people from my past, including my aunt
who I had become Co-Dependent on throughout my life. Co-Dependency had left a
trail of broken and severed friendships and heartache. As I shared with her
from the deepest parts of me I was completely honest, even admitting things
that were embarrassing and troubling to share. Tears instantly filled my eyes
and before long I was shaking and in shock from the trauma of the past few
days. While I shared and Stephen interjected thoughts and clarifications, Penelope’s
walls began coming down. She was concerned but in her eyes were compassion,
tenderness and love that years of friendship had instilled within us both.
As the conversation ended it was agreed that I would check
myself in to a facility to get help by the end of the week or else they were
both going to “baker act” me. When we were leaving the restaurant we stopped and
she gave Stephen a hug and then something very touching happened. I asked
Penelope if I could give her a hug, (In my mind I thought it was the last time
I would ever hug or see her again). She
immediately opened up her arms and we hugged for many moments face to face as I
whispered in her ear that I was so very sorry and that I was humbled and thankful
that she forgave me even though it was undeserving.
Stephen and I then stayed and talked and he pointed out that
the conversation was very positive and that Penelope gave every indication that
she cared, supportive and that the door was open after I sought help and
learned about the disease and she saw a visibly new CW in relating and actions.
He also stated that someone who wants nothing to do with you anymore would not
hug me as she did. He said it was very loving and touching.
That Sunday I checked myself into a facility and started on
my journey to face my demon and committed to conquering Co-Dependency. Before I
was admitted I texted Penelope this quote:
“The people who are meant to be
in your life are the ones
who know how to gently wait for you to heal.”
She immediately texted back that she would be thinking and
praying for me daily and that she knew I could overcome this and start living a
healthy, fulfilling life.
I vowed once again that she would be the last Co-Dependency
friendship I would ever have. As I have said before, codependents take life and
relationships/friendships very seriously! All of my struggles even this entire story
stems from my childhood abuse and trauma. The cycle needs to be broken!
A dysfunctional family creates threatening situations-people
out of control, angry explosions, no one and nothing on which to rely. We deny our
hurt and anger. We deny our right to feel. Co-Dependence is a specific pattern
of personality traits that are characterized by loss of self-identity,
over-involvement with others as a means of establishing self-identity, and
excessive care-taking behavior that results in a lack of self-care. We can
tackle our Addictions only if we sense some compassion from somebody. Another
wise educator says:
“Only when compassion
is present will people allow themselves to see the truth.”
Co-Dependence is
all about having a dysfunctional relationship with self: with our own bodies,
minds, emotions, and spirits; with our own gender and sexuality; with being
human. Because we have dysfunctional relationships internally we have
dysfunctional relationships externally. Because we cannot be emotionally honest
with ourselves we aren’t really being totally honest with anyone ever. Understanding
codependency is vital in helping us to forgive our self for the dysfunctional
ways we have lived our lives – it is not our fault we are codependent. Codependency
causes us to feel like the victim of our own thoughts and feelings, and like
our own worst enemy – recovery helps us to start learning how to be our own
best friend. Getting into codependency
recovery is an act of love for self. Until we go back and heal our childhood
emotional wounds we cannot successfully change the old tapes – we cannot
achieve a healthy, emotionally honest relationship with ourselves and others.
I use to believe that my friendship with Penelope was good
but that all the problems were entirely a result of me and my hang-ups. That
was fantasy thinking - an illusion. Codependent Reflexes in action! Since Penelope
and I have disconnected, I have come to realize that it is just as much her
fault as it was mine. It was not all MY FAULT and unless she takes
responsibility for her role and works on the friendship to create balance there
can never and will never be a close friendship again. I cannot and will not go down
that same road ever again with her. It was just too painful. I am learning to Identify with my feelings
and actions then Detach, by analyzing and disconnecting from it and seeking out
healthy positive behaviors and then decide based on objective reality what
action I must take in a healthy direction. I will no longer live in
the Condemnation, Shame and Guilt that Co-Dependency produces. I will no longer let anyone own me again! As Ali
ibn abi Talib quotes:
“Detachment is not that you
should own nothing.
But that nothing should own you.”
I have prayed constantly through desperation, tears and on
my knees for healing for my condition. I have prayed relentlessly for restoration
with Penelope. Since that time the Lord has blessed me with many women from the
church who encourage, inspire and love me no matter what and despite my flaws.
They are sticking by me with warmth, compassion and unending prayer. They have
helped heal my soul and the deepest parts of my pain. One friend in particular
reached out to me when I needed a friend the most. She knows all about my
struggles of the past with Co-Dependency and with Penelope. I was advised by my
counselor not to engage in a new friendship until I was recovered. But when I
share with them about Donna whom they knew they were encouraging and told me
that this was the precise friend God has placed in my life to propel me into
complete and total healing and that she was a “Safe Person.”
Donna is a safe friend who loves the Lord and in turn loves
me unconditionally with all my faults and through all my pain! She has much
compassion and patience and is willing to walk with me through Co-Dependency
into a realm of healthy friendships and relating and for that I am eternally grateful
to the Lord and to her. I have been honest with her about my tendencies and
patterns and she in turn, has been dedicated in helping me identify and talk
through our difficulties. She will not abandon me when the going gets tough,
she will STICK and
communicate and will not throw me away! Donna will be the start of healthy
relating and healthy friendship that loves and gives equally. This dear woman of 6 boys holds the title for being
the first healthy friendship since my realization of Co-Dependency. She is a
gift sent from heaven above! I am eternally thankful for her and the blessing from
above to show me what TRUE, GODLY friendship is!
I will always have
a deep and unending love for Penelope! I will always think fondly of
her and with a smile on my face. I will also hope that one day we can reconnect
on healthy ground as equals. But in order for that she must see the role she
played in our friendship and the dysfunctionalism she brought into it. I am not
asking for an apology but it would be healing for me on a deep level.
I have recovered more than I ever thought I would in the
past four months. It has not been easy. It has been tremendously difficult. I
have found meaning through my suffering not just with Co-Dependency but with
the past trauma and abuse I suffered. There is life after Co-Dependency! I will
say that again:
THERE IS LIFE AFTER CO-DEPENDENCY!
For the first time in my life I am FREE! I am Feeling blessed and deeply gracious and humbled
to the God who Restores and heals. To my JEHOVAH-RAPHA (THE LORD OUR
HEALER), thank you for hearing my cries and delivering me.
As tribute:
“To the most honest person I have ever known, with an innocence and
playful spirit that is so very contagious. Through my pain, you embraced
friendship, and without your brutal honesty and inquisitiveness, none of this
would have been possible. You are an “Old Soul” and my Inspiration and Truth!
I will love and cherish you forever Penelope and hope that our friendship can
be restored to a new and healthy friendship, none like we have ever known.”
I wish you all a
Blessed Christmas and a hopeful and inspiring New Year!
“To live is to Suffer, to Survive
is to find some Meaning In the Suffering.” - Friedrich Nietzsche
