Your Heart is your Compass – Journey into Self-Reflection

I love this quote by Janelle Saar:

“Your Heart will always remember and be your Compass back to being you!”

It seems that most of my life has been spent “Unlearning” the unhealthy, ingrained behaviors, coping mechanisms, and thoughts from the past. I started at a young age, reflecting on my behaviors and trying to answer these internal questions, “Why do, I do the things I do,” and “Why do I have the thoughts that I have.” I knew very early that I didn’t behave or think “normally” as some would classify. I knew that I had a warped sense of self, reality, people and my place in this world. I have always felt insecure, non-valued, de-valued and unworthy of any happiness or Joy. I have never thought of myself as a victim from my past, but I am being “held” victim from things that keep recirculating and appearing in my life, even after recognizing them and conquering them, or so I thought. I am haunted with thoughts that I will always have to “fight” to behave and think normal. I fear that I will never “get this” or just become too tired to be hyper-vigilant with my self-reflection.

When I get in this stuck pattern of thinking I have to remind myself that Healing and Thriving in life doesn’t mean that the past will no rear its’ ugly head again. But that when it does, I am equipped and have the mental fortitude to recognize the behaviors, identify the trigger(s) and then dig down deep into my “Emotional Tool Box,” remembering the healthy, positive, spiritual tools I have, and then USING them on whatever the issue. Moving through those difficult times is what makes me a Thriver and promotes continued Healing from the past.

I am reminded of a situation that occurred over the weekend. A huge altercation with my Sisters - my FAMILY, that ended with a lot of hurt feelings and a myriad of emotions encircling all of us. It was an emptiness I have never known to feel alienated from the only people who ever truly care – your family and feel that I was the “Bad Guy” in the situation.

Due to some economic hardships, my sisters and I are all faced with having to live together, pulling our resources to survive. I haven’t lived this closely or intimately with my sisters or them with me, since we were young girls living in our abusive, traumatic household some 30 years ago! The everyday triggers and being pulled into old coping and relational patterns is a daunting uphill climb, happening daily with myself. I feel like that little girl that can never do anything right. I feel like I am being ganged up on and alienated from the only two sisters that I have! We have all dealt with the horrors from childhood in our own separate ways, and we are all at different levels. I was told that I never see what I do or what my actions are. I disagree with that whole heartedly, as I am constantly looking within myself to change “Those things I can,” and function in healthy ways. I am constantly striving to be a better form of “Self” than I was yesterday. I do look deep within. I am hard on myself and what I still see. I do apologize and admit when I am wrong. I am willing, wanting to do self-analyzing and self-searching!

We lost our only bother 9 years ago to a freak car accident. The trauma and grief that we all experienced is too deep for words, and still lives with us today, being even more pronounced with his birthday being next month. He would have been 38 this year. He was killed when he was only 28 years old. Never had a chance to live! An amazing person, snuffed out far too early. I was once told that, “When you pick an apple off a tree, which one do you choose? The ripest; reddest, perfect apple on the tree.” This helps me to process, why the Lord chose to take him home far too early in his life.

I am convicted that the Loss of my only, baby brother was something I barely survived. Now all I have left is my two sisters and we can’t even seem to get along. I have forgotten that in this life, “Suddenly” you can lose the ones you love without a moment’s notice. I have my sister’s right here within arm’s reach. We haven’t lived in the same state for over 13 years and this should be an easy transition, but it is not! We should be excited and loving towards each other, counting this as a wonderful time in our lives to be together after so many years apart. We should celebrate the relationships and gain strength and friendship from each other, not tarring and ripping each other apart!

It is time to conquer these Sibling Triggers once and for all and stop operating as a young teenager and start remembering and thinking as a tender sister; being forgiving, loving and encouraging toward each other. The process starts within me, not considering whether it will be reciprocated or not. It is my choice to not react with those triggers or actions they display, it is my responsibility to “Check Myself,” not being concerned with their progression of healing and relating. I have to be responsible for my own actions, and my reactions to each of them. It is my responsibility to change the “Steps” to this dysfunctional “Dance!”

I am thinking forward in this situation. I am holding the mirror up to my heart and trusting that my Heart will be the compass back to my true self!

Love thy Neighbor AND Yourself

Love is something everyone wants, needs and longs for. It is mankind’s greatest need and ultimate quest in Life! Without it, there is really no reason to live, strive and wake up every day. Whether the love we crave is from parents, family, a spouse, romantic partner, children or friends, we all have this deep yearning and desire for affection, appreciation, value and acceptance from those that we love and care for. Without it, we would die. If we had no love in our lives or if we could not love others, our whole existence would be pointless and meaningless.

For the adult survivor of childhood trauma and abuse, our desire and need for love is amplified by infinity times infinity! Most of us who grew up in abusive family environments being afraid, abandoned, hurt, violated and abused felt very little if any love or care as a child. As a result, we are severely handicapped and crave Love in our adult lives. We seem to have a deeper void than those having a “normal” childhood. We did not receive nurturing, care, tenderness, compassion, acceptance, encouragement or joy. These are vital human needs that especially children in their formative years absolutely must have in order to live healthy, functioning lives. As adult survivors we have no clue how to truly live healthy, functional lives and certainly no idea how to love. Our thoughts on love were so badly distorted and corrupted as children, our whole way of thinking and every behavior moving forward is one laced with many selfish thoughts and ideas. We struggle daily and desperately to fit in; trust; and open ourselves up to others for fear of being hurt or rejected. Love seems out of reach and undeserved for us! “Who would want to love us?” We have so many thoughts and feelings of self-doubt, low self-esteem and feel we are unworthy of Love. “Who would stick long enough to get to know us and love us? And if they did, once they figure us out, all the fears and insecurities, they will eventually abandon and leave us!”

For myself, I say I “Love” others, but is it true, unselfish love? My love is distorted and selfish! Many days I barely love myself let alone another. If we listen to the age old quoted Bible Verse from Matthew 22:37 when asked of Jesus which is the greatest commandment, “Jesus Replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your Mind’ and the second greatest commandment ‘Love your Neighbor as Yourself.’” Those are tough words, because most Adult Survivors don’t love themselves, in fact they loathe much about themselves. “So are we to assume that now, because we don’t love ourselves the way we should that we cannot love others?” I have wrestled with this for years trying desperately to love myself and I have concluded two things.

The first is from a quote that speaks to me so personally and which is something that hits very close to home because of my attachment issues. I have struggled with this for many years, identifying it in my upcoming book, “Shards of Glass.” Where I notice very early as a child that I “Idolize” or “Attach” myself to others, calling them friends or loved ones. Those people in my life offer me something that is severely lacking, love; acceptance; self-worth; appreciation and value. Because of that, I latch on to them because they fill a selfish void, that deep void within all of us of wanting others to “Love” and care for us, but for the Survivor, a deep dark hole filled with very little but the fear of abandonment and rejection. I think and say that I love and care about them, but my actions are selfish, and my boundaries are compromised with those I am attached to. They are those I don’t want to lose, those I feel impact my life profoundly, and those that fill a void from childhood. Those actions are unhealthy and lead me down a path of destroying that friendship/relationship because of fear and dependency. It is not love! That person then feels overwhelmed and smothered because they make me feel better about myself, make me feel needed, wanted and loved that all I do is want more and more of it. It is like a drug, a quick fix, when I am feeling down or discouraged. People are my drug and it is Selfish! As a result of these actions, most people have left and abandoned me in the past!

“Try not to confuse ‘Attachment’ with “Love”. Attachment is about fear and dependency, and has more to do with love of self than love of another. Love without attachment is the purest love because it isn’t about what others can give you because you’re empty. It is about what you can give others because you are already full.” – Yasmin Mogahed

The second thing I have learned and come to understand is what True, Godly, Healthy Love really is. We ultimately all love ourselves even when we don’t think we do. I have always loved myself or I would have ended it a long time ago! The trick is to love ourselves in Healthy ways that trickle into the lives of others. One of the greatest chapters in the Bible for me is, 1 Corinthians 13 1-13. This love is a giving, selfless, expect-nothing-in-return kind of Love. Rather than quote the entire text, I will share the just of it through my thoughts on what that chapter means to me.

This is my take on the “Love Chapter” in the bible. My previous blog was filled with this underlying theme, that we are a “Throw Difficult People Away Society.” If more people would embrace 1 Corinthians 13 maybe our society wouldn’t encourage us to get rid of people in our lives who are difficult or hard to get along with. True love puts up with people who would be much easier to dismiss and give up on.

Love does not Envy. If our love is directed toward others, we will rejoice in the blessings they receive rather than desiring those for ourselves. Selfless love that God calls us to have does not involve pride or glory. It does not parade itself around and is not puffed up. True love does not seek its own. If we truly love others, we will set aside our own plans, agendas, and entitlements for the well-being of others, and especially those we say we love. Love is not provoked. Love is not easily angered or over-sensitive. When we truly learn to love others, we are careful not to be touchy concerning others words or actions towards us. Love does not rejoice in iniquity, but in Truth. Godly love has nothing to do with evil, but has everything to do with what is right and true. It believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love is not blind or naïve, but it does see. It recognizes the problems and failures in people, but it does not lose faith in the possibilities of what people can become. Love never gives up, knowing that God can change anyone, and any life for the better.

Finally, love endures all things. It accepts any hardship or rejection and continues unaltered to build up and encourage another.

Love is determining what is best for another person and then doing it!

Without Love; my efforts and ambitions, what I stand for, what I believe in, what I say, and all my relationships with others means- NOTHING! Faith, Hope and Love abide in this world and will for eternity, but the Greatest of these is LOVE!