I love this quote by Janelle Saar:
“Your Heart will always remember and be your Compass back to being you!”
It seems that most of my life has been spent “Unlearning” the unhealthy, ingrained behaviors, coping mechanisms, and thoughts from the past. I started at a young age, reflecting on my behaviors and trying to answer these internal questions, “Why do, I do the things I do,” and “Why do I have the thoughts that I have.” I knew very early that I didn’t behave or think “normally” as some would classify. I knew that I had a warped sense of self, reality, people and my place in this world. I have always felt insecure, non-valued, de-valued and unworthy of any happiness or Joy. I have never thought of myself as a victim from my past, but I am being “held” victim from things that keep recirculating and appearing in my life, even after recognizing them and conquering them, or so I thought. I am haunted with thoughts that I will always have to “fight” to behave and think normal. I fear that I will never “get this” or just become too tired to be hyper-vigilant with my self-reflection.
When I get in this stuck pattern of thinking I have to remind myself that Healing and Thriving in life doesn’t mean that the past will no rear its’ ugly head again. But that when it does, I am equipped and have the mental fortitude to recognize the behaviors, identify the trigger(s) and then dig down deep into my “Emotional Tool Box,” remembering the healthy, positive, spiritual tools I have, and then USING them on whatever the issue. Moving through those difficult times is what makes me a Thriver and promotes continued Healing from the past.
I am reminded of a situation that occurred over the weekend. A huge altercation with my Sisters - my FAMILY, that ended with a lot of hurt feelings and a myriad of emotions encircling all of us. It was an emptiness I have never known to feel alienated from the only people who ever truly care – your family and feel that I was the “Bad Guy” in the situation.
Due to some economic hardships, my sisters and I are all faced with having to live together, pulling our resources to survive. I haven’t lived this closely or intimately with my sisters or them with me, since we were young girls living in our abusive, traumatic household some 30 years ago! The everyday triggers and being pulled into old coping and relational patterns is a daunting uphill climb, happening daily with myself. I feel like that little girl that can never do anything right. I feel like I am being ganged up on and alienated from the only two sisters that I have! We have all dealt with the horrors from childhood in our own separate ways, and we are all at different levels. I was told that I never see what I do or what my actions are. I disagree with that whole heartedly, as I am constantly looking within myself to change “Those things I can,” and function in healthy ways. I am constantly striving to be a better form of “Self” than I was yesterday. I do look deep within. I am hard on myself and what I still see. I do apologize and admit when I am wrong. I am willing, wanting to do self-analyzing and self-searching!
We lost our only bother 9 years ago to a freak car accident. The trauma and grief that we all experienced is too deep for words, and still lives with us today, being even more pronounced with his birthday being next month. He would have been 38 this year. He was killed when he was only 28 years old. Never had a chance to live! An amazing person, snuffed out far too early. I was once told that, “When you pick an apple off a tree, which one do you choose? The ripest; reddest, perfect apple on the tree.” This helps me to process, why the Lord chose to take him home far too early in his life.
I am convicted that the Loss of my only, baby brother was something I barely survived. Now all I have left is my two sisters and we can’t even seem to get along. I have forgotten that in this life, “Suddenly” you can lose the ones you love without a moment’s notice. I have my sister’s right here within arm’s reach. We haven’t lived in the same state for over 13 years and this should be an easy transition, but it is not! We should be excited and loving towards each other, counting this as a wonderful time in our lives to be together after so many years apart. We should celebrate the relationships and gain strength and friendship from each other, not tarring and ripping each other apart!
It is time to conquer these Sibling Triggers once and for all and stop operating as a young teenager and start remembering and thinking as a tender sister; being forgiving, loving and encouraging toward each other. The process starts within me, not considering whether it will be reciprocated or not. It is my choice to not react with those triggers or actions they display, it is my responsibility to “Check Myself,” not being concerned with their progression of healing and relating. I have to be responsible for my own actions, and my reactions to each of them. It is my responsibility to change the “Steps” to this dysfunctional “Dance!”
I am thinking forward in this situation. I am holding the mirror up to my heart and trusting that my Heart will be the compass back to my true self!
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