“Tell the Negative committee that meets inside your head to sit down and shut up” – Ann Bradford
I don’t just have a committee. I have an entire Army that wants to sabbotage my thoughts and emotions holding them captive!
I have been really thinking about all the angry, negative, cruel people you meet throughout the day. We live in a very negative society filled with folks who want to lash out at another because of their own pain and misery. It doesn’t take much to “Set” someone off these days. I use to be one of those angry, negative people ready to pounce at a moment’s notice on or at; anyone who I felt rubbed me the wrong way somehow. Whether it be with their attitude, opinions, or even the way they looked at me. I was quick to lash out and try to make another as miserable as I was.
In a conversation with a friend the other day who was feeling down, we got to talking about listening to the negative self-dialogue in our heads. Negative ping pong, is what I like to call it. We talked about how at a moment’s notice we can just feel really down, discouraged and not sure why or what the cause. We talked about our thoughts and how the mind is a very dangerous place to play. It then occurred to me, and I was reminded of that nasty little demon we all have: NEGATIVE SELF-TALK! I have been a dedicated student of this course for years, receiving an “A” and honorable mention in my studies! I am harder on myself than anyone ever needs to be with me. One negative comment sends my thoughts racing back into the past remembering the words of my father. “You’re stupid, fat, ugly and never going to amount to anything.” Those words were yelled and screamed at me almost every day in my childhood, and although I did not know it at the time, I internalized every one of them.
It has been a constant battle within me to see the good, and what I have to offer in this world. That I am not always wrong, and I am not defined by what another thinks or says about me! I have wrestled with feelings of Self-Loathing, Self-Doubt, and poor Self-Esteem. Anything having to do with myself, and how I viewed ME, use to be very “Negative”; leading me down a dangerous path of feeling, “I can never do anything right” or “I am unworthy of anything good.” That kind of thinking sends out the “Memo” to the “Negative Committee” who then, immediately calls a meeting to order to start a discussion!
I have been re-learning to turn the volume down when my “Negative Self” is blaring loudly. If I don’t stop the negative thinking and emotions quickly, my entire being becomes a runaway train headed for a path of destruction. The more I concentrate on the negative self-talk in my head, (usually triggered by daily events, people or circumstances); the harder it is to put those things behind me, and pull myself back out into the realm of Positive thinking. It has been documented that Self-Destruction is one of the 7 basic character flaws. It is a dysfunctional relationship with your personal self. As Adult Survivors we have the tendency to self-destruct and have dysfunction in all our relationships, including the one we have with ourselves!
There are two things that I have learned in defusing the Negative Self-dialogue in my head. These tactics I use to battle this nasty little demon when I am headed down this dangerous and self-destructing road.
One is to embrace my imperfections, as we all have them, forgiving myself of the mistakes I make, both past and present. It is hard for Adult Survivors, were perfectionists in all that we do. Being perfect was ingrained within me at such an early age because if I acted as perfectly as I could in the home, then maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t get abused. So I tried to be as “Good” as I could, and nobody can be perfect, so I often failed, resulting in… all of us who were ever abused know the outcome of that!
Two, the negative ping pong match begins when I start to compare myself with another or their lives, wanting what they have, because I think their life is much easier or better than mine. I have always hated it when someone says “I have a life,” which to me, is insinuating that I don’t! I have learned the hard way that comparing my life or myself to another’s, is a fast-track to depression, and negative thinking. It is then that I am reminded of my dear old friend’s words of wisdom, “If you could choose from anyone else’s life or problems in the entire world what you perceive to be as the perfect life, you would still go back and choose your OWN!” Comparing ourselves is I think one of the chief catalysts for the “Negative Self- talk” battles we have within us. Especially for us Survivors, as we always feel where not good enough, can’t do anything right, everybody is always better. You know the thoughts you have, because I have them too!
Our biggest enemy in everyone’s life, in my opinion is the Negative Dialogue we have within ourselves! We think too much, creating problems that weren’t even there; stirring up emotions we were not feeling; which lead to being negative, depressed and angry to those around us often lashing out! How I pull myself out of all of these situations is training my thoughts, recognizing immediately when my self-talk is active and speaking loudly, and then quickly focusing on what is reality! Not the illusions being played out in my Head. A great analogy of this is when we were kids alone in our beds at night. We would hear sounds or see images, and soon the infamous “Boogie Man” and “Monsters” under the bed scenario would play out. We would get scared and see things that weren’t even there! The more we concentrated on it the more “Real” it became, and in all actually there was NOTHING ever to worry about! We do that as adults, only are Boogie Mans and Monsters are much more real and frightening.
Our mind creates many illusions and if we believe them, we are headed down a miserable path of negativity, and fear; spreading it to others and ultimately throughout the world. We need to learn to forgive ourselves for our shortcomings, not living in the past, or worried about the future, but just focusing on the NOW, the present. When we change our patterns of thinking and self-dialogue our situations, emotions and feelings will follow suit! I try to put circumstances, events, and people into perspective as they occur, dismissing the “what if’s” and the “Wish I’s.” It is then that I Shout to that committee, “Sit down and Shut Up!”
When we live in the past it creates regret and depression; when we live in the future it creates anxiety and fear. We need to live in the present and deal with the situations and events as they come. If you keep paying attention to the darkness you will never see the light! A content happy person is one who is caught up in the present, not thinking about the past or focusing on the future.
Vibrate positive thoughts about your life, yourself and others and together we can make a difference in this world!
“If you’re going to THINK then you might as well think positive. Remember positive thoughts and actions are seeds that will produce positive results.”
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