I know it has been awhile since I wrote my thoughts down for the
world to read. I have been confronting internal issues from the past that I have
been in denial about and even just recently realized. As Adult Survivors of abuse there are many
issues that we seem to have to overcome on a personal level and daily basis,
which the ordinary person can just coast right through and never even considers nor
struggle with. On top of emotional and mental struggles most emerge from
childhood with, we also develop unhealthy patterns of relating and coping, thus
leading to addictions. I am not necessarily referring to drugs, sex, gambling
or alcohol.
One of the forgotten and actually relatively new terms that have
only surfaced in the last 10 - 15 years in the mental health field is “Co-Dependency.”
This is my preferred drug of choice. It is in a sense, an Addiction to People.
Specifically those that hold your Self-worth and Esteem in their hands.
For those of you unfamiliar with the term the official/original
Webster’s Dictionary term describe Co-Dependency as:
“An
extreme dependency by one person on another who is suffering from an addiction.
Common characteristics include low self-esteem
coupled with a high need for approval. Not a formal psychiatric diagnosis,
codependency is a psychological syndrome noted in relatives or partners of
alcoholics or substance abusers.”
Although this is the original definition; the term “Co-Dependency”
has grown to mean so much more. This was coined by therapists in the
1970’s but little was really known about the condition. They observed that most
alcoholics shared a consistent set of behaviors. As family members began to
seek treatment they also observed that the family members involved with the alcoholic
displayed predictable patterns of behaviors as well. Since much research and
studying of the condition the definition has since broadened to include many
characteristic that are not always attributed to taking care of a person or living with an
addict. It has also been concluded that those suffering from Co-Dependency
came from dysfunctional or abusive childhood environments.
Several groups have been formed to help people with many
types of problems and addictions. Al-Anon groups were formed in the early 1950”s
to address family members in need of support from the effects of living with a
person who was deemed an alcoholic.
Al-Anon is:
"A worldwide fellowship that offers a program of
recovery for the families and friends of alcoholics,
whether or not the alcoholic recognizes the existence of a drinking
problem or seeks help."
Al-Anon groups were addressing the condition known as
Co-Dependency long before the term was even developed or recongnized in the mental health arena. The more broadened
definition has now come to include the following traits:
·
Feel responsible for others’ behavior; a warped
sense of responsibility
·
Need to be needed
·
Givers and people pleasers
·
Fear of rejection and abandonment and try to control them
·
Expect others to make us happy or define our
worth
·
Can be demanding or indecisive
·
Can be attentive and caring or selfish and cruel
·
See people and situations as wonderful or awful –
one extreme to the other
·
Seek affirmation and attention or sulk and hide
·
Believe they are perceptive, (and are usually),
but can’t often see the reality in their own lives
·
See others as either “for us” or “against us”
·
Use self-pity and or anger to manipulate others
·
Communicate contrasting messages, like “I need
you, I hate you”
·
Don’t say what they mean and don’t mean what
they say
·
Repent deeply but commit the same sins again and
again
·
Compulsive fixers and rescuers who are so tied
into another’s life and behavior that they lose
their identity
their identity
·
Their whole vane of existence is tied into another’s
person’s approval and value of them.
I have many of the Co-Dependent behavioral traits listed above. I
displayed these traits at the age of 5 when I entered kindergarten and they are
now destroying my adult life. Codependency is a compulsion to control and rescue
people by trying to fix their problems. It occurs in the lives of people whose need
for love and security has gone unmet. I
don’t know about you but every survivor of childhood abuse I have ever encountered
has had many needs unmet but most importantly the need for safety, security and
love. These needs are essential for a child to grow up feeling valued and
appreciated. The Co-Dependent grows up feeling that they need to please or help
others and even then, they may not be loved and accepted like they desire.
Co-Dependency is an addiction! It is an addiction to people to
somehow and in any way they can, meet these needs through another person. You
can become Co-Dependent on:
·
A Spouse
·
Boyfriend/Girlfriend
·
Parent
·
Child
·
Friend
·
Co-Worker
It is a dysfunctional way of relating to others and a dysfunction
way we see ourselves. It stems from the emptiness inside to have filled. It is a
void which should have been filled by our parents in a loving and nurturing
environment, but one that is often left empty in house of brutality, cruelty
and neglect.
The encouraging news is that this addiction CAN be Broken!
Conquering Co-Dependency is much like conquering any addiction. It is said to
be one of the hardest addictions to break. I lost a lot of hope when I first heard this.
I have been battling my entire life and now I have this tremendous obstacle to
overcome?!
Fighting Co-Dependency is a process. It is a process of retraining
and rewiring our thinking and thoughts about ourselves and reality. There are
many groups and tools that you can use to conquer this demon. It is much the
same as any 12 Step program in fighting any addiction. There is much inward
discovery that needs to take place, dealt with and then healed. I will be
submitting more on my process to overcome this gruesome addiction in the days
to come. I will leave you with this powerful quote by The Buddha:
“The root of suffering is attachment.”
Abuse Author: “Shards of Glass” https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore
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