"Facing
the truth is hard. It is painful as hell! The truth will set you free,
But you
have to endure the pain of birthing it." - Iyanla Vanzant
Have you ever met someone who was both one of the Greatest
and Worst persons you have ever met? Have you ever had a friendship or relationship
that was so inspiring and life breathing but in that same vein sucked the life
out of you and almost destroyed you?
I apologize for the length of
this blog but I want to share the progression of the sickness of “Co-Dependency”
in its entirety addressing suicide. I don’t believe in cliff hangers!
You have heard me refer to Penelope as a divine appointment
and an old soul. This friend has been one of the Best people I have ever met
but also one of the most damaging! Surprisingly though, I have learned so much
from her perspective on life and with myself. Through her friendship I have
accomplished great things and have hit head on the horrors from my past. Tackling
major issues and experiencing healing. I have allowed Penelope to speak to me
so candidly in ways I do not tolerate much from any other person. She held a
mirror up to my face and helped breathe new life into my spirit. Her youth and
playful spirit were very much welcomed in my life. She helped me to see things
with childlike - positive eyes instead of the cynical - negative, worn down
from life eyes that I have been looking through most of my adult life.
Meeting Penelope was a “Divine Appointment.” This is a
meeting with another person that has been specifically and unmistakably ordered
by God. Divine appointments are similar in nature to God incidences, God winks,
and checks in your spirit. These Christianese terms all refer to ways that
Christians feel like God is trying to steer us into a specific encounter or
experience so that we can serve God or maybe play a part in their lives and
those of another. An “Old Soul” is usually understood as having
a wisdom and insight beyond your physical age, or the coined phrase, “Wise beyond their years.” I have been
referred to as an old soul and so was my brother. I count it as an honor and I
do not throw the term around lightly.
I know for a fact that it truly was a Divine Appointment. Through
my friendship with Penelope it has changed my life in so many ways both for the
good and bad. It has not always been easy and In fact, most of the time that I
have known Penelope it has been a rocky road where we have not been in
communication or interacted much. It has been an incredibly difficult and
painful relationship to maintain and one in which that pain almost took my life.
We have connected back as friends on 2 other occasions and in that time it was
awesome and inspiring but then it would quickly dissolve again. Our friendship
has always been full of dysfunctional relating. I truly believe that she wants
a friendship but that she just does not respond well to my unpredictable,
erratic behavior and the lack of Boundaries I display. This behavior
stems from my battle with “Co-Dependency!” Co-Dependency is
all about Unhealthy Boundaries!
I am not Co-Dependent
on every female friendship I form. There are contributing factors that I have
learned that draw me subconsciously to them. For Penelope it is complicated. She
has so many traits that remind me of what I either did or did not receive as a
child. She is a hurt and damaged person as well and two damaged people coming
together create one big ball of “Dysfunctional
Relating.”
Penelope resembles my mom, beautiful with long dark hair.
She is compassionate, loving, tender, funny, intelligent and witty, (remember I
don’t do well with “Shallow People”). She possesses all the attributes I desire
and need in my life and look for from others. On the Flip side - she is also
very blunt, ridged in thinking and does not apologize often always believing
she is right. Her words can take the skin off of you; she has no filter between
what she thinks and what comes spewing out of her mouth. When the going gets
tough, Penelope bails and pulls her friendship away leaving me feeling: Rejected,
Abandoned, Unloved and Unappreciated – feeling “THROWN OUT!” These negative traits coincide with how my
father has treated me. So the intricacies and inner dynamics with her have been
more intertwined with my past that with anyone other friend I have ever met. I
love the attributes she displays that my mother was unable to meet and I hate
the negative attributes that remind me of my father – where I find myself
striving relentlessly to win her approval and admiration.
It takes two people to dance in a dysfunctional relationship,
one always leads and the other always follows. Two wonderful books on this
subject: “Codependence – The Dance of
Wounded Souls” by Robert Burney and also “The Dance of Intimacy” by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D. I
encourage you to read.
Unless the pattern is broken and new steps learned the
same dance will play out over and over again. I am reminded of the Definition
of Insanity:
“Doing the same thing over and
over again
and expecting different results.”
The Continuation
of my Story of Co-Dependency:
I will now share with you events that propelled me into one
of the darkest abysses I have found myself in since my brother’s death. Remember
when I shared that the first time our friendship dissolved I moved away and started
a new life? I will now pick up there with my story of Co-Dependency.
After three years of no communication with Penelope we had
both been through major life events. She had suffered the dissolving of her marriage
coupled with the burdens and stresses of raising her children alone, and I was
left again unemployed living in an area I did not enjoy – Punta Gorda, FL –
where the average age of folks there is 80 years old! I felt stuck and
tremendously alone, questioning everything in my life. My faith was strong but
was being tested ferociously to the point I felt trapped and worthless not
having much hope.
I remember sitting at my computer and I just felt led to
call Penelope, the one friend who I trusted despite our differences and who I
knew still cared about my life. It was an act of desperation and as I dialed
the number I was shaking. We talked for a while and after that, we started
slowly to have interactions with each other; I believe we both were very
apprehensive about reconnecting. This was in November of 2012. We bounced right
back into talking and laughing like nothing was wrong and the more we
interacted the more we both started feeling comfortable and learning to trust
each other again.
At Christmas time I decided to surprise her family with a
much needed gift and made the 2 hour drive to her house. I remember as I pulled
into the driveway I was very anxious and started to pray. As I approached her
door and knocked I knew at that point there was no turning back. Either we
would connect or the friendship would be permanently severed. When she answered
she was of course, surprised but then she welcomed me. We sat outside and
talked and talked. We laughed, cried, and drank a glass of wine. She wanted to
know more about my childhood, so I told her story after story of the horrific
pain and anguish I went through. I shared with her everything I could remember
at the time.
She had changed and so had I! We had the most profound conversation
we had ever had that night. In that conversation as I shared the compassion,
understanding, love and acceptance shined through once again as in times before
when we first met. Then she asked this pivotal question:
“Were you ever raped?”
After I answered her and we talked I saw how she was visibly
and deeply moved. She then said the MOST amazing and profound thing I have ever
heard and that is why I have so much love and admiration for her even still! The
conversation that changed the course of my life thus far:
Penelope: “You need to write a book.” Myself: “My
story is like so many others; it’s not that different, who would read it? Her reply was, “I would and so would many others.” She then said something that
changed my whole perspective. Penelope: “I have never known anyone with a story like yours. I have never had
anyone share what you have shared with me. You read about similar struggles or
see movies about them, but seldom do you personally know someone or are friends
with someone with this kind of horrifying story.”
That night, she
was not the first person who ever suggested to me
that I should write a book, but she would be the last!
On January 28, 2013 I set out to do just that. It took me
only 3 weeks to write my story from start to finish! I ended my story when I
was 19 years old and escaping my childhood with the intent on a sequel. (This
is in the works).
Thus the emergence of my Memoir “Shards of Glass” was born!
I had
birthed my pain!
In that time of writing my Memoir and facing my deepest pain
Penelope was by my side offering support, suggestions and encouragement.
Unbeknownst to me though, I was becoming Co-Dependent on that relationship. We
maintained a friendship better than we had ever experienced staying connected
and in each others lives for over a year. That broke the all-time record of friendship for us! In that time I had gained so
much trust in her, but secretly I had also developed a very unhealthy
dependency on her that neither her nor I knew.
11 months after releasing my book I moved back to the area
where she lived. We maintained that closeness for 2 months. Then in January of
2014 it all came crashing down. I had become so dependent on her every word. I succumbed
to performance based friendship again! I gave to her all the time; tried to
help her with every problem or situation; I would constantly want to spend time
with her and her family; I would go out of my way for her and not others,
neglecting other friends; I crossed boundaries. I had put my life on hold and
started living through hers. I had become very sick, yet still did not know it.
Out of desperation for closeness I would find myself driving by her house
repeatedly after we disconnected (something in which I have done with friends
since 16 and able to drive). I knew it was “Sick Behavior” but my need for
closeness and control had spiraled down the road of Rejection, Abandonment,
Depression and sheer Hopelessness. She had become overwhelmed, confused,
scared, angry and disgusted with my patterns of behavior.
Co-Dependency is about control and that control is “Fear-Based!”
It is the tremendous fear of abandonment and rejection. It is desperation and appears as obsession
in its purest form, trying relentlessly to hold on and control something which
makes you feel better, which gives life but that you cannot have! It is
completely selfish and does not consider the other person whatsoever. At that point it is all about you and
how YOU can get your needs met. I was desperate when I felt no hope in
ever restoring the friendship. I was devastated because the “Life Line” I had
relied on, was now disintegrating and I felt no hope in my life. Everything
else meant nothing! My purpose and meaning of existence was gone!
Out of that desperation and hopelessness one night after
seeing her out and us having a brief conversation that ended ugly and left
absolutely no hope afterwards of a friendship. I sunk to one of my lowest
levels in life. I was instantly distraught and depression took a hold of me so
relentlessly that I was suicidal and proceeded to end my life that night. It
was not the person which led me down the road. It was not Penelope in and of
herself but the feelings she evoked; the love, compassion, self-esteem and
acceptance that I grieved the loss of. Suicide
is the ULTIMATE act of desperation! That is sickness to its most devastating
degree! In being Suicidal and actually attempting it you have to be out of your
mind! We are not built to hurt ourselves. It is engrained in us in birth to
fight and survive. You are having a nervous breakdown and seeing no hope. After
dealing with tremendous difficulties for the past 4 years; struggling to
survive and barely making it financially; the emotional and physical pain of
loss; the void of loneliness and meaning in life, it was the only thing I was
thinking of: TO END THE PAIN! I
had no hope of my life ever being fulfilling again.
As I was driving home I text two close friends, sharing with
them the events of the night with Penelope and my disgust and failure. I told
them that I loved them but could just not take the pain of LIFE any longer. I
went home after buying 3 Four Locos and drank them all one after another while
proceeding to take over 20 pain pills. I was delusional, hysterical,
devastated, void and in utter despair. I did not care! I just wanted out!! The
last person I texted was Penelope and I said:
“Please give me a reason to live. Everybody I care about dies, or
abandons me. Everybody I care about rejects me because they don’t understand. Please
give me a reason…”
That text was sent at 2:36 am.
In the morning those two close friends received my text and
were tremendously frightened and feared that I was gone. They tried texting and
calling over and over. Stephen was out of town and frantic, they were in
communications with each other and then Penelope. Penelope even tried calling
twice, the very person who could have pulled me out and still I did not answer.
I did not want to come back not even for the very friend who had meant so much
to me – there was just TOO MUCH PAIN. Something inside of me urged me to
respond to her call. I somehow managed in a state of delirium to send Penelope
a text. After repeated attempts by Penelope, she texted me and this was our
conversation:
Penelope: “CW there are so many reasons in life! You
just need to open your eyes and see them!” Myself:
“And you were one of those reasons.” Penelope:
“CW you are OK. Things will be OK, I
promise.” Myself: “You hate
me and think I’m worthless…Things are NOT OK!!!!” Penelope: “You are
NOT worthless!!! No one is worthless CW. Let me tell you something: nothing or
no one is worth taking your life! You are a good woman with a good heart. Yes
you have issues but we all do. No one is perfect. Don’t be defeated by life CW.
Grab life by the horns and make it your bitch! Remember what I’ve always told
you: you’re a strong bitch!”
Before that text my dear friend Stephen had called her and
they talked for over an hour while he explained to her a conversation he and I
had weeks prior regarding “Co-Dependency” and how miraculously
I had a revelation that I suffer from this after much soul searching. He had
told her that that is what I am inflicted with and the VERY reason the
friendship is where it is. He also urged her to keep texting me until he could
call after his game was over.
He later called me after the game and told me of the
conversation he had with Penelope and that she had agreed for us three to meet
and sit and talk in an intervention effort or else they were going to “Baker
Act” me.
That day August 31st,
2014 Stephen and Penelope saved my life! And for that I will be FOREVER
GRATEFUL!
I will share more on the intervention and steps toward
healing my “Co-Dependency” in Part V. Please continue on with me as the story
has a remarkable ending.
Have a Happy and
Blessed Thanksgiving as I leave you with this amazing quote:
I don’t want to get to the end of my life
and find that I lived just
the length of it.
I want to have lived the width of it as well.
– Diane Ackerman; Author
and Poet
Abuse
Author: “Shards of Glass” https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore
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