“Were only as sick as our Secrets...”
When I moved to Florida from Ohio it was scary and a major
culture shock! It had only been 6 months since my brother’s death and I was dead
inside. I am not normally a jittery or afraid person but I was then.
Traffic, the night, loud noises, almost everything kept me on guard. I was panicky
and in foreign territory. I found a part time job quickly to stay on my feet
and then my life slowly started to begin again. In that time, I met a family
and they adopted me into theirs and the pain of loneliness subsided some. I
gained a surrogate mother in this family but one that I did not become
co-dependent on, entirely. It was different and I was still in a complete daze
from the loss of my brother. She is 20 years older than me, a caretaker and
very loving and giving. We did have our
difficulties soon after forming our friendship and it was due to that “Monster”
that was still inside of me even after moving 1500 miles… - IT FOLLOWED ME once
again! My friend and I DID and have managed to keep our friendship strong
despite a bumpy road the first few years.
That is how all my “Co-Dependent” friendships started
out as an adult. At first they were
great and I was myself, fun, uninhibited, full of confidence, filled with a
sense of humor, and had no expectations. I was separate in the beginning. It was the warm and fuzzy feeling of a new
person in my life. The friendship would be “Normal”
and then all the sudden that person would do or say something, or I would do
something and the friendship would respond in a way that would set in motion my
Co-Dependent patterns and tendencies. Soon after, I would display actions and
behaviors that at the time I couldn’t explain nor control.
Something would change in the dynamics of the friendship and I did not know what it was. Secretly, inside I would always think: “Am I gay or something?” I would always
question: “Why do I get so attached to
women and not men?” “What the Hell is wrong with me?” Deep down though, I
knew I was not a “Lesbian!” I never felt in love with them, but I did Love
them. The women friendships in my life would meet a “Need” and “Void”
of love, acceptance, compassion and tenderness that I never received as a
child! (It has only been in the last 6 months that I have come to realize my
disease). It was an “EMOTIONAL”
connection that was formed! It was NEVER
a physical one! It would appear on the outside to be one of unselfishness,
giving, self-sacrifice, loyalty and love but all along it would be one of
selfishness and control destroying me on the inside and disabling the friendship,
shaking its very foundation.
That person would then become distant; Arguments, Control,
Selfishness and Manipulation would set in; and eventually the friendship would
dissolve, (Especially in my youth). As an adult, all of my most meaningful friendships
rebounded and I leveled out in relating to them. This was only because I would
secretly, unbeknownst to me, be searching for my next “Fix” so to speak, and the pressure would soon be off the current
friend and on to another. The real reason would never be addressed and the
sickness would continue. Co-dependency is an ADDICTION!
Addictions
are caused by pain! It is ALWAYS about pain!
I ran from my pain my entire life! I am a wounded soul and as a
wounded soul I was looking for relief from that pain and unconsciously sought
out distractions or a means to cope, usually resulting in some form of
addiction. There are many things to become addicted to; Work, Drugs, Alcohol, Tobacco,
Food, Sex, Spending, Shopping, Appearance, Internet, Video Games, Gambling and
Relationships. Just to name a few. We live in a society that one way or the
other is always about quick relief, satisfaction, selfishness and distraction.
Keith Richards – Guitarist for the Rolling Stones said this when
speaking about his heroin and cocaine addiction:“All
the contortions we go through just not to be ourselves for a few hours.”
I did not know it at the time but I would soon find out that:
“I have been trying NOT to be myself,running from my past,
not just for a few hours but for my entire life!”
You can’t escape something that is buried deep down inside
and especially if you don’t even know it exist! Most Co-Dependents cannot
identify their feelings. We keep them tucked down in an impenetrable vault. Recovery is part
of feeling and accepting those feelings.
Life events and relationships affect Co-Dependents deeply. I was
about to meet a friend who would affect me very deeply on many different levels
and one whom I would become the most Co-Dependent on in my life! I was about to
be addicted to this friendship in more ways than I could have ever imagine and
dare admit. The next few years after moving to Florida would truly be far worse
pain than even losing my brother; Unmanageable pain than even that inflicted in
my childhood. This pain would be so deep, so controlling, so debilitating that it
would send me spiraling down an abyss in which I almost did not emerge!
So the
story continues:
About two years after moving to Florida I met my dear
friend, I shall call her “Penelope.” When
I first met her I did not enjoy her much at all! I thought she was shallow,
snippy, cocky and very immature. I felt we had nothing in common and she was
just too young for me to even begin to relate to, she was 14 years my junior
and I was 36! I felt there was nothing that I could possibly learn from her. I
tolerated her because of work and went on about my business for a few months.
Not soon afterwards Penelope had a death in her family. It
was her grandfather and when I heard the news, for some reason my heart just
had so much compassion and ached for what she must be feeling. I empathized and
sympathized, I knew that pain, especially after just losing my brother a year
before. Something compelled me to text her and then call her. I believe it was
a “Divine Appointment.” Before that,
I had, had no intentions or desire for friendship other than a working one. I
did not pick her! We had a short but heart-felt conversation and I told her I
was there for her and that I knew her pain. After I hung up, I remembered
thinking that I had so much compassion for her and I was compelled to help her
through this loss. Days after that, I found myself thinking about her and
praying for her.
When she returned to work I decided that I would reach out to her
and I bought a little plague with something inspirational on it and a cup of
McDonald’s Mocha Iced Coffee and set it on her desk at work. After that we
would talk on the phone and hang out quite often. She was filling a hole of loneliness
and friendship that I was so desperately trying to fill. Our friendship was fun
and exciting. We would have long talks about deep subjects, sharing about our
lives, fears, hopes and dreams. She had an excellent sense of humor and is a
real deep thinker. I was so wrong on my earlier assessment of her being
shallow, she was actually an “Old Soul”
and I told her that on several occasions.
Her birthday was in a few weeks and in previous conversations I
had remembered that she really wanted to go to the “Rascal Flatts” concert. I thought, “That’s it. That would be the perfect gift for her.” I felt that this could really lift her spirits. So I bought
the tickets and a card and went over to her office to surprise her. (I should point out: I always gave me friend’s
gifts. There is nothing wrong with that but this is where our friendship started to take a turn towards my “Monster
– Co-Dependency,” however it would not be until 5 years later that I would
understand and recognize this).
When I handed her the card and she opened it, tears came to her
eyes and she said: “I have never had a friend or anyone do anything like this ever for
me. Can I give you a hug?”
This was an unexpected reaction and one that warmed my heart to the very
core. I had done something for someone and they “APPRECIATED” it and then showed me love and compassion by giving
me a hug! Something I hardly ever have received throughout life and even now. That was it! After
that instance I wanted that feeling more and more. It was not a sexual feeling
but an emotional feeling of love, closeness and acceptance. I would then look
for any opportunity to buy or do things for her, whether it would be gifts, lunch, or give
her money. I wanted that to be the same reaction to feed that gaping hole of
fear, abandonment and rejection with an overwhelming feeling of warmth,
compassion and security like that first time. Looking back in retrospect – that act of
giving and her reaction towards that subconsciously took a hold of me and
ingrained in me that this friendship was “Performance Based” and would stay
in-tact as long as I did things. It made her happy and she responded graciously.
I wasn’t trying to buy her friendship, but deep down I knew she couldn’t
possibly care and accept me for just being me. That dreaded low self-esteem
embedded from my youth.
Soon though, my attempts to do and be more included in her life
and more accepted started to take an unhealthy turn and before long Penelope
and I were in that same old pattern I have found myself in too numerous times
to count with friends. She started distancing and not wanting me around as
much. The more she pushed away the more desperately I would try to cling on.
The more she distanced the more I pursued. On the outside, without any knowledge of
Co-Dependency or my intense childhood abuse, it looked to her and others that I
wanted to be romantically involved with her. It was perceived by others that I
was a lesbian and was after Penelope. Her husband became involved shortly
thereafter because I started to scare her and he texted me to stay away from
her and not to contact her anymore.
I WAS CRUSHED! Totally devastated and felt this indescribable pain
of rejection, abandonment, fear and worthlessness. The friendship that had
breathed life back into me after my brother’s death was now gone! I was
paralyzed with grief once again!
The next few months were filled with some of my darkest days. I
started drinking a lot to mask the pain; my performance at work went
drastically downhill; my interactions with Penelope at work were incredibly stressful
and hurtful; I got a DUI; shut down and became terribly depressed and later
lost my job! All because of
Co-Dependency!
I moved from the area soon after losing my job and tried to once
again run away from my past and start a new future. I felt ashamed, felt like a
complete and total failure. The next few years would be filled with more
failure, more disappointments, and more job loss and economic hardship. On the
outside I felt that Penelope had ruined my life! That this friend who I adored
just completely threw me out like I was nothing, to me she confirmed what I
have always thought since childhood – that I am unlovable and nobody wants me
in their life for very long. I did not stop to analyze my role in everything. To me, I thought I was the perfect friend.
I resolved to the fact that this friendship is just like all the
others and proceeded to find my footing and get my life back. I did find other
jobs and I did meet new people and acquire a few friends along the way, but the
failure of Penelope would come to mind often. It was my one true regret with a
friendship. This person truly was a special person and friendships like that
don’t come around very often. I was angry at myself for destroying it and I
missed my friend. I still had no idea that the culprit to all my pain was
Co-Dependency. I just believed that there was something wrong with me and set
out to change who I was. After a few years I did change and learned to recognize
my mistakes but I just hadn’t tackled the one thing in my life that damaged it
so tragically. It would take two more years for my eyes to be enlightened to
the “Demon” that always followed me and around and tons more pain.
Please continue with me for parts IV and V as the ending is not what
you expect and out of my experiences the emergence of my memoir “Shards of
Glass.”
“Friendship is unnecessary, like Philosophy,
like Art. It has no survival value;
Rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.” – C. S. Lewis
Rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.” – C. S. Lewis
Abuse
Author: “Shards of Glass” https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore
