Addictions and Childhood Abuse: Codependency and my Life (Part I)

I know it has been awhile since I wrote my thoughts down for the world to read. I have been confronting internal issues from the past that I have been in denial about and even just recently realized.  As Adult Survivors of abuse there are many issues that we seem to have to overcome on a personal level and daily basis, which the ordinary person can just coast right through and never even considers nor struggle with. On top of emotional and mental struggles most emerge from childhood with, we also develop unhealthy patterns of relating and coping, thus leading to addictions. I am not necessarily referring to drugs, sex, gambling or alcohol.

One of the forgotten and actually relatively new terms that have only surfaced in the last 10 - 15 years in the mental health field is “Co-Dependency.” This is my preferred drug of choice. It is in a sense, an Addiction to People. Specifically those that hold your Self-worth and Esteem in their hands.

For those of you unfamiliar with the term the official/original Webster’s Dictionary term describe Co-Dependency as:

“An extreme dependency by one person on another who is suffering from an addiction. Common characteristics include low self-esteem coupled with a high need for approval. Not a formal psychiatric diagnosis, codependency is a psychological syndrome noted in relatives or partners of alcoholics or substance abusers.”

Although this is the original definition; the term “Co-Dependency” has grown to mean so much more. This was coined by therapists in the 1970’s but little was really known about the condition. They observed that most alcoholics shared a consistent set of behaviors. As family members began to seek treatment they also observed that the family members involved with the alcoholic displayed predictable patterns of behaviors as well. Since much research and studying of the condition the definition has since broadened to include many characteristic that are not always attributed to taking care of a person or living with an addict. It has also been concluded that those suffering from Co-Dependency came from dysfunctional or abusive childhood environments.

Several groups have been formed to help people with many types of problems and addictions. Al-Anon groups were formed in the early 1950”s to address family members in need of support from the effects of living with a person who was deemed an alcoholic.

 Al-Anon is:

"A worldwide fellowship that offers a program of recovery for the families and friends of alcoholics, whether or not the alcoholic recognizes the existence of a drinking problem or seeks help."

Al-Anon groups were addressing the condition known as Co-Dependency long before the term was even developed or recongnized in the mental health arena. The more broadened definition has now come to include the following traits:

·         Feel responsible for others’ behavior; a warped sense of responsibility

·         Need to be needed

·         Givers and people pleasers

·         Fear of rejection and abandonment and try to control them

·         Expect others to make us happy or define our worth

·         Can be demanding or indecisive

·         Can be attentive and caring or selfish and cruel

·         See people and situations as wonderful or awful – one extreme to the other

·         Seek affirmation and attention or sulk and hide

·         Believe they are perceptive, (and are usually), but can’t often see the reality in their own lives

·         See others as either “for us” or “against us”

·         Use self-pity and or anger to manipulate others

·         Communicate contrasting messages, like “I need you, I hate you”

·         Don’t say what they mean and don’t mean what they say

·         Repent deeply but commit the same sins again and again

·         Compulsive fixers and rescuers who are so tied into another’s life and behavior that they lose
           their identity

·         Their whole vane of existence is tied into another’s person’s approval and value of them.

 

I have many of the Co-Dependent behavioral traits listed above. I displayed these traits at the age of 5 when I entered kindergarten and they are now destroying my adult life. Codependency is a compulsion to control and rescue people by trying to fix their problems. It occurs in the lives of people whose need for love and security has gone unmet.  I don’t know about you but every survivor of childhood abuse I have ever encountered has had many needs unmet but most importantly the need for safety, security and love. These needs are essential for a child to grow up feeling valued and appreciated. The Co-Dependent grows up feeling that they need to please or help others and even then, they may not be loved and accepted like they desire.

Co-Dependency is an addiction! It is an addiction to people to somehow and in any way they can, meet these needs through another person. You can become Co-Dependent on:

·         A Spouse

·         Boyfriend/Girlfriend

·         Parent

·         Child

·         Friend

·         Co-Worker
 

It is a dysfunctional way of relating to others and a dysfunction way we see ourselves. It stems from the emptiness inside to have filled. It is a void which should have been filled by our parents in a loving and nurturing environment, but one that is often left empty in house of brutality, cruelty and neglect.

The encouraging news is that this addiction CAN be Broken! Conquering Co-Dependency is much like conquering any addiction. It is said to be one of the hardest addictions to break.  I lost a lot of hope when I first heard this. I have been battling my entire life and now I have this tremendous obstacle to overcome?!

Fighting Co-Dependency is a process. It is a process of retraining and rewiring our thinking and thoughts about ourselves and reality. There are many groups and tools that you can use to conquer this demon. It is much the same as any 12 Step program in fighting any addiction. There is much inward discovery that needs to take place, dealt with and then healed. I will be submitting more on my process to overcome this gruesome addiction in the days to come. I will leave you with this powerful quote by The Buddha:

“The root of suffering is attachment.”

Abuse Author: “Shards of Glass” https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore

Survivor Surviving the Holidays!

I have always loved Christmas! It is my favorite time of the year! Thanksgiving and Christmas are wonderful holidays. A time of being thankful, magical excitement, gatherings, parties, holiday music, and Christian plays and concerts. It is that time of the year where everyone seems to be happy and giving. Unfortunately, for many adult survivors of abuse spending time with family, friends and traveling back home to past environments that once caused us so much agony and pain can be a dreadful time of the year. How do we, that have so much baggage from the past, survive the holidays? It is not the most wonderful time of the year for many survivors! Instead it is a time filled with dread, anxiety, fear and depression. It can stem from painfully hard memories such as I have or from revisiting abusers and environments where the initial pain from childhood occurred.

I am grateful that I can now enjoy the holiday season without many of the regrets I once had. When I was younger after I moved from home and would go to visit I was always excited. I looked forward to seeing my mother and my siblings but dreaded the interactions I would have with my father. None-the-less, I looked forward to seeing my family. It came at a great price usually. After my visit home I would return and be a complete and total mess reverting back into the fear of my childhood. I would have so much anger and rage that I lashed out in many situations and with friends. It would take weeks for me to level out and regain some normalcy in relating and functioning again. I did not know it at the time but what I had experienced was a “Triggering” from revisiting the environment in which so many horrors resided. It took me some time to realize that the fear and emotional trauma resurfaced from the PTSD I suffered as a child. I have learned to deal with the triggers more effectively today and they don’t rock my world like they use to earlier in my healing journey.

The holidays are full of tragic events for me that have taken many years to reach a place where I can actually look forward and enjoy them now. As I have grown in my healing it has become much easier to go back to my home town for visits and see people and places that were once very painful. To share the most triggering events for me from my past is important to show others that even with horrific situations and memories, that you too can reach a point of peace and joy for the holiday season and regain that magic you once had in your youth.

On Christmas morning when I was twelve my next door neighbor was killed in a tragic house fire. She was an elderly woman and due to the extreme frigid temperatures, the space heater caught fire. In my book, “Shards of Glass,” I recount the details of that day and the everlasting scars that seared me so personally. Whether I consciously or subconsciously want to remember or not, those vivid images flash back into my thoughts every Christmas day, and at some point I always remember my neighbor and that fateful Christmas day in 1981.

Thanksgiving was also a rough time of the year until I realized I was not responsible for the “What If’s” or “I should Have,” for this one particular memory. I had a very dear friend’s sister, whom I knew very well commit suicide exactly one week prior. Katelyn and her sister were like family to me at the time. Katelyn’s sister had been struggling with severe depression for months prior to the day she decided she just couldn’t go on. I tired the best I could with Sara Lisa to offer support, advice, and just listen to her pain. Her family was concerned but had no idea the deep level of depression Sara Lisa was suffering from. I was with Katelyn the day she would speak with her sister for the very last time. I remember that when Katelyn hung up the phone her stating that she just got a really weird call from Sara Lisa. I asked her why it was weird and she said, “Because Sara Lisa told me how much she loved me and that she would always love me. She never says that.” I remember thinking for a split second that Sara Lisa was in trouble but quickly shrugged it off. Soon afterwards, I was driving home and thought of stopping by Sara Lisa’s apartment to check in on her. I wish I had, because a short time after that phone call she took a gun and ended her life. I have always felt that if I would have stopped by and went with my gut feeling that Sara Lisa would still be alive today. That year Thanksgiving was significantly horrible and void of any meaning. I was numb from grief and had no clue how to help my friend cope with her tremendous loss. We would later have a falling out because of the intense grief Katelyn was suffering from.

I haven’t visited New York for either Thanksgiving or Christmas in 10 years. The last time I was there it was especially memorable and devastating. It is marked with great regret and guilt even to this day. Overall that year in 2003 it was a pleasant time of visiting family and friends. My father was on his best behavior for the most part and there was not much drama. The event that hurt me the most and causes severe regret today was an intense fight that occurred between my brother and me. We had gone out to the area pub to reconnect and reminisce with old friends. It was a wonderful time of laughing, joking and holiday cocktails. Unfortunately, afterwards it turned ugly rather quickly and we had an intense fight over something I don’t even recall today. There were many harsh words slung back and forth and afterwards I remember racing up to my room and just crying like a baby. I was so badly triggered and hurt by the fight. Thankfully the next day we reconciled and things between us returned to normal. I left to travel back home new year’s eve. Three days after that fight, my life would be forever altered as my dear and only brother was killed in a car accident devastating us all. The regret of having that fight just 3 days before his death and it happening over the Christmas and New Year’s holiday has always left a deep scar.

It is still a stressful time for me and my family causing me pressure and anxiety. The loss of my brother is amplified because the lack of his presence is so noticeable, riddled with memories, regret, remorse, guilt, anger and depression. It has taken almost ten years to find some sense of peace, excitement and courage to even want to celebrate my favorite time of the year again. It has been through great healing from the pain and my faith in the Lord that I have learned to anticipate and enjoy the holiday season. I denied myself that right for years feeling like I would be doing a disgrace to be happy after my brother’s, neighbor’s and friend’s deaths.

For the adult survivor other significant holidays and days such as birthdays or anniversaries can be a very painful time when memories reemerge. Survivors want to sometimes retreat and not participate in holiday functions. It is vitally important that each of us be kind and takes care of ourselves in the decisions we make regarding the holidays. If you know a survivor of childhood abuse, check up on them. Invite them to celebrations and try to include them. I know sometimes I want to retreat and hide but I also want to be included and feel loved with invites and thoughtful gestures. Someone may be hurting and you may be that person who can offer that love and security that they need.

My advice to all of us out there is to remember to honor ourselves and don’t abandon your right to feel happy over the holidays. It is ok to celebrate and to be vigilant so as not to be violated or threatened in anyway when we’re around those past environments or people. Remember you are not a child anymore and you have the power to step out of harm’s way anytime you feel uncomfortable or threatened. You have the right and power now to protect yourself and say “NO” if it doesn’t feel right. Take others who you feel “Safe” with and trust with you to visit family and places that could be potential triggers. My last advice is to stay sober and have a clear head. Alcohol can be the catalyst for arguments and the loss of restraint, resulting in situations that could have otherwise been avoided.

I share a little of the tragedy from my life and especially around the holidays to offer hope that there is always a way through. That no matter what you have endured from the past or are currently going through, that over time – you can heal. You can reach a point where even the most severe, devastating pain does not completely control your emotions. You can find meaning and happiness again.

I am not an expert on how to survive the holidays but I know what works for me and how I have coped with them. I still feel a huge relief after Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s and the death date of my brother, (January 3rd), has passed. I don’t know if I will ever fully be able to have the wonderment and excitement for the holidays that I once had but I promise you that I am going to give it 100% every holiday season to enjoy what I have in front of me and the people I still have in my life, celebrating the joy of the season and of my dear saviors birth!

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Healing New Year.

Shards of Glass “From Tragedy and Trauma Comes Redemption and Triumph!” https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore

Domestic Violence - A tribute to My beautiful courageous mother!

In honor of October being Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I wanted to share briefly with the world my story and the wonderful, strong, determined and courageous mother I am BLESSED with.

I witnessed my first act of violence on my Mother when I was only 4 years old. I was in the living room playing and I heard my parents arguing. All the sudden, I heard this loud Pop and my mom crying out in sheer agony and pain. When I looked into the kitchen, there was a pool of blood that covered the entire kitchen floor. I remember thinking to myself, “Oh My God, my dad just killed my Mommy!”

He in fact did not kill her that day, nor would he ever! But that bloody afternoon, he did break her nose leaving me with a horrific memory that is forever etched in my mind when I share my story of abuse. There were so many other occasions that he did come very close with his ruthless attacks and I am so thankful the Lord was protecting!

I endured much physical abuse at the hands of my father throughout my entire childhood until I was able to leave the home on my own accord. If I had never experienced the extreme physical, mental, emotional and the sexual abuse at all from him, what I witnessed and saw with every brutal blow to my Mother was enough to shatter my world! Those vicious attacks left internal scars, PTSD, fears, tremendous anxiety and abandonment issues that I still carry with me today in my adult life.

My mother is my true hero in this life. She was physically, mentally, emotionally abused and molested by a family friend as a child. She suffered mercilessly at the hands of her mentally sick father, my grandfather who I never knew. He died of Huntington’s disease before I was born. She grew up in a home with 9 Siblings and it was a situation where the children raised and fended for themselves. In her childhood, she had no sense of love or security. As a result of her abusive childhood, her self-esteem was shattered and all she wanted was to find a loving man and raise a “Normal” family, contrary to the one she grew up in.

As fate would have it though, she would be placed in the path of one of the most psychotic, violent, abusive and enraged men I have ever known, who just happened to be my father.

Just when she thought she had found “The One,” the man who would take her away from all the tragedy and horror of her childhood, she would quickly realize that her “Hell” had just begun; and for the next 20 years, she would still have to battle, fight and survive, not only for just her livelihood, but now for the lives of her four children.

If not for the courageous and fighting spirit of my mother I would not be alive today. She intervened on more occasions than I care, or can even remember when my father was severely abusing my sister or myself. Our abuse was not limited to time or place either. Whenever my father had a “Fit of Rage” one of us three would be his primary target. Our beatings did not last for moments either, they lasted for minutes, upon minutes turning into segments of an entire night. He would not just beat you and then move on. He would be relentless! Some of the worst memories I have are when his violent attacks were endless going into the wee hours of the night. This is where my sister, mom or I were being brutally attacked and hunted down by my father outside in the dark. We would all try to intervene for each other as we got older, hoping to divert his attention and end the attack. We would try to fight him, but we were just no match for a 200 lb., enraged man! My mom always fought till the bitter end though, along with my sister and I. I learned this tenacity and “Never give up Attitude” from her. Even in the midst of the most dismal circumstance I never give up.

As I recall this one “Snap Shot” from my childhood, so much love and compassion is rising up within me. My Mother has always been the “Glue” that held our family together. She was the Rock and the one true savior in my life. Her attacks were so brutal that she has many battle scars. Some are very visible and damaging. One scar in particular was as a result of saving my life.

On this night my father was so enraged with me over an inconsequential event that wasn’t even my fault, that as I was following his orders to “Turn the #%#@&$ Stereo off as I was bending down to unplug it he in turn grabbed an Iron Skillet and was just about to hit me over the back of the head and neck with it when my mother rushed him, grabbed his arm and he slung her across the room. With the commotion I quickly turned and then watched him punch my beautiful mother in the face, immediately cutting her eye. When he noticed what he had done he turned to me and came rushing at me. I went bolting for the front door, the only means of escape. He did not give chase that night as my mom was badly injured and had to go to the hospital for stiches. That night I spent hour’s outdoors hiding in the woods. My father blamed me for cutting my mom’s face and I carried that guilt around for years until I realized it was HIS fault and not mine!

In tribute to not only my Mother but ALL the Women and Men who have Suffered, Survived and those that have perished in the horrors of Domestic Violence, I am deeply saddened and salute you for your Courage, Strength and Survival in the fight!!

My story, “Shards of Glass” is my voice and how I raise awareness and fight for JUSTICE in ALL forms and levels of abuse! Abuse is an epidemic and we all need to raise our voices, share our stories and RISE UP!!

“To my Mother, MY Strength; A Rock; A true survivor of all that is bad in this world; A fighter beyond compare; A Women of Depth, Compassion and Faith. I LOVE YOU!! We made it through the violence!”


To read more about my story of abuse and how I endured and survived please check out "Shards of Glass" at https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore.

Insensitive to Boundaries…Idealization of Another!

I have written before about the importance of boundaries and the insensitivity “US” Adult Survivors, have toward them. It is a seldom talked about topic but one that I must convey again, not only for others, but most importantly for myself!

How I relate and operate is a by-product of my childhood abuse. It should never be an EXCUSE though. To keep repeatedly violating and operating in unhealthy unbalanced ways with others is wrong! I recently, tonight mind you, had a situation brought to my attention by a dear friend AGAIN. This is a dear friend and someone, whom I continually overstep my boundaries with because of my own selfishness, wants, and needs. Do I respect this person? “Absolutely!” If they truly matter to me, then why do I disregard their requests and the affects my actions will have on them? “Because they meet a need that I am so self-absorbed in fulfilling!” They are respecting me and not trying to hurt me! Why can’t I abide within my friends comfort zone? “Because I am needy and selfish and only want to feel better!” Why do they have to keep reminding me over and over again, that I have crossed that imaginary line, which they have so clearly drawn in the sand for me…? >“It is because I am needy and trying to subconsciously, fill that gaping hole!”

I am a sufferer of idealization for the most part. I don’t have all the characteristics but I have a few of them. This was my “Monster” growing up as a child. For those of you unfamiliar with the terminology:

“Idealization it is theory where an individual is unable to integrate difficult feelings, specific defenses are mobilized to overcome what the individual perceives as an unbearable situation. Another defense that helps in this process is called “splitting.” Splitting is the tendency to view events or people as either all bad or all good. When viewing people as all good, the individual is said to be using the defense mechanism “Idealization” which is a mental mechanism in which the person attributes exaggeratedly positive qualities to the self or others. When viewing people as all bad, the individual employs devaluation: attributing exaggeratedly negative qualities to the self or others.

In child development, idealization and devaluation are quite normal. During the childhood development stage, individuals become capable of perceiving others as complex structures, containing both good and bad components. If the development stage is interrupted (by early childhood trauma, for example), these defense mechanisms may persist into adulthood. (Wikipedia).”

In order for me to feel safe as a young child and secure in my frightening world, I applied this psychological defense mechanism known as “Idealization.” Idealization refers to the process of assigning only “positive” attributes to a person no matter what and virtually viewing them as being “all good”. It is basically putting that person on a pedestal an expecting them to meet unrealistic, impossible needs! As children, we naturally idealize our Parents and in reality view them as all good, all knowing, all powerful and absolutely, infallible and incapable of doing any wrong.

Idealization is not just unique to children, as adults, we will often idealize our romantic partners or friends, at least initially, and only see their positive qualities while ignoring the negative ones. Others may point out what they see, but their opinions are quickly discarded. You have heard the saying, “Only a person on the OUTSIDE can see the inside.” However, for children, especially those that have been abused, this process is not an option; it is an essential part of being a child. It ultimately does not last a lifetime because the older the child gets to adolescence, the less idealizing he does toward his parents and the more critical, rebellious, and independent he becomes. I know this is how I developed as a child but yet I still sought our people who could fill that vital role as “Nurturing” person in my life!

“Through the process of idealization, young children set their parents up on a pedestal seeing them as perfect godlike creatures. This makes the child feel safe and secure. Having a godlike creature to protect them means no harm can come to them.” John Bradshaw, M.A.

Instead of setting my parents on pedestals, I set my friends. My parents were infallible, and did not meet my needs! My friends, - they would protect me! Those that showed love, compassion and support were my ultimate heroes’! I could see no wrong with them or in their actions, where others could! I would not listen to them either, having to find out the hard way’ (Which I often did), that that person was “Using Me”; or “They were selfish and not a good friend” or that they were a “Fair Weather friend!” One that enjoys and likes to be around you when things are good, but quickly discards or dismisses you when you are struggling or having difficulties. I would learn the hard way and it would break my heart repeatedly. I sought out in “Friends or Relationships”, that brought into my life that which was lacking in my parents! To feel Loved, Valued, and needed!

As a result of this learned behavior…I have awful…, tremendously awful boundaries! I have amazing boundaries when it comes to me and what I will tolerate and feel comfortable with, but when it comes to others – I am ridiculously selfish! My choices were limited in to whom I could gain love and self-esteem from. I only had my friends and I felt worthless and powerless toward my father, with my mother being, “Emotionally Unavailable!”

As children we are really incapable of blaming our abusive parents and their abuse of power, betrayal and trust and therefore we blame ourselves. I am constantly having to say, “I am sorry”, either to a friend, co-worker or complete stranger. Why must I always be sorry? It is because of guilt and the shame I carry with me from childhood?
I have and emotional wound! At times, I wonder if it will completely heal. I seek after those that fill the void of that wound and repeatedly overstep boundaries trying to fill that void! I am learning, healing and growing in my knowledge to overcome the past corruption that has infiltrated my adult life. I ask for patience, love and compassion as I steer through these treacherous waters.

As I dear, dear friend texted me tonight;

“You do have boundary issues, and I hope one day you won’t, just like, I hope I to not have the issues I face. I guess sometimes we just have to put our old habits aside and give way to new ways of doing things.”

Well said, M.P.! Love you LONG TIME! ;)

"Shards of Glass" CW Seymore https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore

The “Stockholm Syndrome” and the Abused!

I was just recently re-introduced to the “Coined” term The Stockholm Syndrome, for the undying loyalty and even compassion; I had toward my abuser, My Father. I had heard that term passed around quite often in the past and never really thought it applied to my life because I always associated it with the Concentration Camp Prisoners or Prisoners of war. I never really realized it is a Syndrome acquired by also being abused as a child; battered; an incest victim; in a cult or in a controlling or intimidating relationship. But after a conversation with a friend and a recent situation I was involved with, I have come to recognize that it is one of the main reasons I never talked about my abuse to friends or others in a position to help. I had this sick, undying loyalty to my father! I always classified it as the “Survivors Guilt” syndrome in my own mind.

The term, Stockholm Syndrome, was coined to describe the puzzling reactions and emotional interactions of four bank employees who were held captive by two criminals brandishing machine guns. On August 23, 1973, three women and one man were taken hostage in one of the largest banks in Stockholm, Sweden. They were held for six days (131 hours), by two ex-convicts who threatened their lives by strapping them with dynamite and placing them in a vault until they were finally rescued on August 28th!

After their rescue the hostages exhibited a shocking attitude considering what they had just gone through by being threatened, abused and fearing for their own lives. They supported and had compassion on their captors. One woman even later formed a legal defense fund to aid in the criminal defense! Two of the women eventually got engaged to the captors. Those hostages became “Bonded” in a sick emotional sense!

After the Stockholm incident, many journalists, physiologist and social scientists formed research as to whether the emotional bonding between a captor and captives was a "freak" incident or if it was a common occurrence in various oppressive situations. They discovered that it was such a common phenomenon that it deserved a name. Thus, the label, Stockholm Syndrome. In actuality, anyone can acquire the Syndrome if they are involved in situations similar to these:

Concentration Camp Prisoners; Cult Members; Civilians in Chinese Communist Prisons; The Pimp/Prostitute Relationship; Incest Victims; Physically and/or Emotionally Abused Children; Battered Women; Prisoners of War; Victims of Hijackings, and of course, Hostages. The following perceptions of those directly involved as the “Victim” in horrifying situations is a guideline for how the syndrome actually occurs:

• A Perceived threat to survival and the belief that the captor/perpetrator is willing
to act on that threat
• The captive's perception of a small act of kindnesses displayed from the captor
within the context of terror/fear
• Isolation from other perspectives than those of the captor (Influenced by Captor)
• Perceived inability to escape and hopelessness

The “Stockholm Syndrome” is a survival mechanism; those that have acquired it are not raving lunatics! We are people who were placed in life threatening situations where we had to fight for our lives! We had no idea that we were forming this sick bond between the abuser while it was happening! Every syndrome has a list of symptoms or behaviors and the “Stockholm Syndrome” is no exception. The most commonly accepted symptoms are:

• Positive feelings by the victim toward the abuser/controller
• Negative feelings by the victim toward family, friends or authorities trying to
help/rescue them from situation
• Support of the abuser’s reasoning and actions for the situation
• Positive feelings displayed by the abuser toward the victim
• Supportive behaviors by the victim and at times aiding/helping the abuser to escape
• Inability to engage in behaviors that may assist in their release or rescue

I think one of the reason I never classified my loyalty toward my father as the
“Stockholm Syndrome” was because I never thought I was held captive against my will or a prisoner in a terrifying situation. It was my father and I was his daughter in a family nucleus where He was supposed to be my protector; my refuge and source of safety and security. But I believe the most direct reason was that, I never associated the syndrome with my own life. It wasn’t until years later, that I learned I had this “Sick Sense of Loyalty” toward him and that I was held a prisoner against my will in the abuse that I endured!! I really hated him as a child and young teen, I wanted him caught, and I wanted the abuse to stop. I wished him dead so often in my youth! I didn’t know I was subconsciously protecting him. I guess I never fully realized how truly horrible my abuse was because it was at the hands of a true, biological parent until after writing “Shards of Glass”, and hearing all the comments. What others have said is that what makes my story so horrible and gut wrenching is that it was at the hands of a parent. The ONE who was supposed to show unconditional love, provide comfort, offer a safe environment and a person to trust!

I have since forgiven my father of all his crimes. I now sometimes wonder if the
“Stockholm Syndrome” is the direct reason and not the compassion I formed after understanding his own abuse as a child, which has allowed me to forgive him. I wonder now, if my hiding the publishing of my book under a pen name and not sharing my true identity with others is to protect my family or HIM? My mom has co-dependency issues and feels that telling my father I wrote this book would on cause him to “Go Off the deep end”, that it would ruin the only thing he has left, his reputation. Is revealing that I wrote the book going to change the past? I do fear that if he ever gets wind or anyone from my childhood past ever finds out and tells him, that he will try to harm himself. I don’t want that on my hands or conscious. I have been perplexed with this entire situation ever since I started writing the memoir. The only reason I have written under a pen name is to protect HIM! But if I reveal my identity now, will I push my mom away? Am I protecting him in a sick way by hiding behind protecting my family? These are hard questions to answer!

In any case, these issues I believe are all things that every adult survivor of abuse is faced with. We love to protect our abuser! We protect the very person who ultimately destroyed our childhood, who directly contributed to the struggles and hurdles we have had to overcome as adults. The effects of childhood abuse are far reaching and come with many complex issues, emotions and thoughts being carried into the Adult portion of our lives! But in the wise words of one of my favorite philologist and philosophers:

“That which does not kill us, Makes us STONGER!” – Friedrich Nietzsche

"Shards of Glass" By CW Seymore https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore

The Effects of Abuse are Far Reaching…Long after the FINAL BLOW!

Just recently I was involved in a serious car accident where I slammed into the back of a semi going 75 mph. He merged into my lane and I did not have time to react. As a result, I totaled my car and was in extreme pain. Later, I was taken to the ER where they did a total body MRI to check for internal damage. I was in severe pain at the time and there was concern about internal bleeding or organ damage.

My mother was in the room with me as we waited for the results and when the doctor came in, he asked my mother to leave the room, I told him no she could stay. That comment bothered and scared me.

The Doctor then asked me if I had been in any prior major accidents, I said “No”, he then asked if I had been abused or a victim of Domestic Violence? I immediately thought to myself, “Why would he be asking me this?” I answered him, that “Yes I had been abused,” not going into detail as to how because my mom was sitting in the room and I did not want to give the doctor the impression that she was the perpetrator. He said, “Well that explains a few things, your joints, neck and back are riddled with arthritis and there are a few broken bones that never healed correctly.” He told me I had the back of an 80 year old. That disturbed me because I am only 44! When he left the room, mom and I talked about the past abuse and how all the physical violence we both endured has contributed to a lifetime of physical and internal pain. She too suffers from chronic pain, arthritis, inner ear arches, and joint issues from a lifetime of abuse. The effects of abuse are felt long after the final blow!

These are just some of the Effects from my childhood abuse. I can crack my neck and back at will, so badly in fact, that others cringe when they hear it. I am often reminded of that skit on Saturday Night Live, where this older gentlemen is getting out of bed and spends several minutes cracking every bone in his body, just to get out of bed, right down to his nose and ear lobes. It is a funny skit but one that is, unfortunately my reality. I have constant fatigue and chronic acute pain. I deal with it rather well, but as I get older I fear that It will get severely worse actually altering my lifestyle. I am a very active person and always on the go. It is a fear I now have after hearing the doctor’s comments on my physical conditions.

Other less obvious effects that have plagued my entire life are:

Fear; Inability to Trust; Low self-esteem; Difficulty with Intimacy; Poor Decision making; Guilt; Depression; Shame; Self –Destructive Behaviors; Suicidal Thoughts; Issues with alcohol. The list actually continues but these are the issues I have had to deal with at some point in my life.

There are numerous factors that contribute to how abuse affects an individual:

The child’s age and developmental status when the abuse or neglect occurred
The type of maltreatment (physical abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, etc.)
The frequency, duration, and severity of the maltreatment
The relationship between the child and the perpetrator

There has been much research done to explore why, given similar conditions, some children experience long-term consequences of abuse and neglect while others emerge relatively unscathed. The ability to cope, and even thrive, following a negative experience is often referred to as “resilience.” I like to think I am a very RESILIENT SURVIVOR! Even though my abuse started at age 4 and continued until I was 19, where I suffered extreme physical, emotional and mental abuse, molestation later and rape I still have tremendous resilience. My perpetrator for all of my abuse except for my Rape, was my father. I was Raped by a stranger when I was 16 years old. I suffered helplessly in coping with my abuse in much of my twenties and started to thrive when I entered my thirties. I sought active counseling and I refused to stay stuck in the past, wallowing in the emotions and paralyzed by depression. I have always been a “High Functioning” survivor and I am very proud of that!

Even through all the pain from my past, if you didn’t know my story--you wouldn’t have known my story! Most of my scars are on the inside. I do have several that are noticeable though, those ones don’t hurt as bad as the internal scars. When I think back over the course of the abuse in my life I feel so much. I have one major regret so far in this life, and that is that I never had children. This does anger and hurt me though, because all the abuse did linger into my adult life and it has robbed me of certain things where I now feel slighted at times, when I think about them.

There were three factors that contributed to not having children; one, I was afraid I would be abusive; two I have never allowed anyone close enough in to ever get to that point; and three because of the Fear of inheriting Huntington’s disease, which there is no chance of now, thank the Lord. Whew! My mom is safe and that now means my sisters and me are too! I have a good friend who has two younger girls that I love and adore. I just recently told her, “I am adopting your children.” Figuratively of course, but if they have a need I want to be there to help fill it. I feel I have missed out on this one important thing in life!

Another area where I feel I was robbed was my inability to trust people and form intimate relationships. I focused so much of my life on healing from the past and relearning destructive, dysfunctional patterns of operating, that the area of relationships has suffered. The fear of Intimacy has always been my “kryptonite.” I am strong in every other area of my life now except for this. It is here where I have little self-esteem; here that I feel my greatest fears of rejection and inadequacy surface, and here, where the last chapter of the past needs to be read and re-written. I have made great strides on re-writing this and believe that it is only a matter of time before I declare to the world, “I am in a HEALTHY, Loving Relationship” or “I AM Getting Married!” A few years ago, if I typed those words a great bolt of panic would have shot through my entire being causing anxiety, panic and fear, but today as I type them, I have a smile on my face and a pleasant expectation of the future with only a mild case of those feelings!

If I think about the past too long I feel anger that I had to waste so much of my adult life on healing and “Getting Well.” I regret that things didn’t come easy for me, that it has been a constant battle! Where my life has been tremendously hard! I sometimes have anger towards my father because he not only robbed me of my childhood, his abuse trickled into my adult life causing a daily fight to behave, act and feel “Normal” in this world. Those things which come “Easy” for others are so very hard for me and if you are reading this, you too are probably an Adult Survivor and you’re shaking your head in agreement right now because we all suffer in some form or fashion with the same issues.

When I start to feel angry over the past and think back on how hard the Journey has been to get to this point I have a choice…To get angry or to get motivated, accepting the past as the cornerstone for who I am now and what I am accomplishing. I have chosen to get motivated, accepting my past as part of my Journey to help others. It is now my responsibility to raise awareness and to help others through their pain, telling others my story and how I healed!

In writing “Shards of Glass” it has been my greatest triumph, the greatest source of healing and the greatest honor in knowing that others are reading my story and gaining hope and healing from it. I just read a comment on facebook, “I admire your Courage.” That courage did not come easy and it has been a lifelong fight. I am thankful for those that read my words and our comforted in knowing that you are not alone and that there is hope and healing from the long reaching effects of childhood abuse!

Please check out my memoir on amazon.com here is the link. http://www.amazon.com/Shards-Glass-CW-Seymore/dp/1483922650/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1376784198&sr=1-1

Is the Negative Committee Meeting in YOUR Head?

“Tell the Negative committee that meets inside your head to sit down and shut up” – Ann Bradford

I don’t just have a committee. I have an entire Army that wants to sabbotage my thoughts and emotions holding them captive!

I have been really thinking about all the angry, negative, cruel people you meet throughout the day. We live in a very negative society filled with folks who want to lash out at another because of their own pain and misery. It doesn’t take much to “Set” someone off these days. I use to be one of those angry, negative people ready to pounce at a moment’s notice on or at; anyone who I felt rubbed me the wrong way somehow. Whether it be with their attitude, opinions, or even the way they looked at me. I was quick to lash out and try to make another as miserable as I was.

In a conversation with a friend the other day who was feeling down, we got to talking about listening to the negative self-dialogue in our heads. Negative ping pong, is what I like to call it. We talked about how at a moment’s notice we can just feel really down, discouraged and not sure why or what the cause. We talked about our thoughts and how the mind is a very dangerous place to play. It then occurred to me, and I was reminded of that nasty little demon we all have: NEGATIVE SELF-TALK! I have been a dedicated student of this course for years, receiving an “A” and honorable mention in my studies! I am harder on myself than anyone ever needs to be with me. One negative comment sends my thoughts racing back into the past remembering the words of my father. “You’re stupid, fat, ugly and never going to amount to anything.” Those words were yelled and screamed at me almost every day in my childhood, and although I did not know it at the time, I internalized every one of them.

It has been a constant battle within me to see the good, and what I have to offer in this world. That I am not always wrong, and I am not defined by what another thinks or says about me! I have wrestled with feelings of Self-Loathing, Self-Doubt, and poor Self-Esteem. Anything having to do with myself, and how I viewed ME, use to be very “Negative”; leading me down a dangerous path of feeling, “I can never do anything right” or “I am unworthy of anything good.” That kind of thinking sends out the “Memo” to the “Negative Committee” who then, immediately calls a meeting to order to start a discussion!

I have been re-learning to turn the volume down when my “Negative Self” is blaring loudly. If I don’t stop the negative thinking and emotions quickly, my entire being becomes a runaway train headed for a path of destruction. The more I concentrate on the negative self-talk in my head, (usually triggered by daily events, people or circumstances); the harder it is to put those things behind me, and pull myself back out into the realm of Positive thinking. It has been documented that Self-Destruction is one of the 7 basic character flaws. It is a dysfunctional relationship with your personal self. As Adult Survivors we have the tendency to self-destruct and have dysfunction in all our relationships, including the one we have with ourselves!
There are two things that I have learned in defusing the Negative Self-dialogue in my head. These tactics I use to battle this nasty little demon when I am headed down this dangerous and self-destructing road.

One is to embrace my imperfections, as we all have them, forgiving myself of the mistakes I make, both past and present. It is hard for Adult Survivors, were perfectionists in all that we do. Being perfect was ingrained within me at such an early age because if I acted as perfectly as I could in the home, then maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t get abused. So I tried to be as “Good” as I could, and nobody can be perfect, so I often failed, resulting in… all of us who were ever abused know the outcome of that!

Two, the negative ping pong match begins when I start to compare myself with another or their lives, wanting what they have, because I think their life is much easier or better than mine. I have always hated it when someone says “I have a life,” which to me, is insinuating that I don’t! I have learned the hard way that comparing my life or myself to another’s, is a fast-track to depression, and negative thinking. It is then that I am reminded of my dear old friend’s words of wisdom, “If you could choose from anyone else’s life or problems in the entire world what you perceive to be as the perfect life, you would still go back and choose your OWN!” Comparing ourselves is I think one of the chief catalysts for the “Negative Self- talk” battles we have within us. Especially for us Survivors, as we always feel where not good enough, can’t do anything right, everybody is always better. You know the thoughts you have, because I have them too!

Our biggest enemy in everyone’s life, in my opinion is the Negative Dialogue we have within ourselves! We think too much, creating problems that weren’t even there; stirring up emotions we were not feeling; which lead to being negative, depressed and angry to those around us often lashing out! How I pull myself out of all of these situations is training my thoughts, recognizing immediately when my self-talk is active and speaking loudly, and then quickly focusing on what is reality! Not the illusions being played out in my Head. A great analogy of this is when we were kids alone in our beds at night. We would hear sounds or see images, and soon the infamous “Boogie Man” and “Monsters” under the bed scenario would play out. We would get scared and see things that weren’t even there! The more we concentrated on it the more “Real” it became, and in all actually there was NOTHING ever to worry about! We do that as adults, only are Boogie Mans and Monsters are much more real and frightening.

Our mind creates many illusions and if we believe them, we are headed down a miserable path of negativity, and fear; spreading it to others and ultimately throughout the world. We need to learn to forgive ourselves for our shortcomings, not living in the past, or worried about the future, but just focusing on the NOW, the present. When we change our patterns of thinking and self-dialogue our situations, emotions and feelings will follow suit! I try to put circumstances, events, and people into perspective as they occur, dismissing the “what if’s” and the “Wish I’s.” It is then that I Shout to that committee, “Sit down and Shut Up!”

When we live in the past it creates regret and depression; when we live in the future it creates anxiety and fear. We need to live in the present and deal with the situations and events as they come. If you keep paying attention to the darkness you will never see the light! A content happy person is one who is caught up in the present, not thinking about the past or focusing on the future.

Vibrate positive thoughts about your life, yourself and others and together we can make a difference in this world!

“If you’re going to THINK then you might as well think positive. Remember positive thoughts and actions are seeds that will produce positive results.”