Addictions and Childhood Abuse: Codependency and Friendships (Part III)

“Were only as sick as our Secrets...”

When I moved to Florida from Ohio it was scary and a major culture shock! It had only been 6 months since my brother’s death and I was dead inside. I am not normally a jittery or afraid person but I was then. Traffic, the night, loud noises, almost everything kept me on guard. I was panicky and in foreign territory. I found a part time job quickly to stay on my feet and then my life slowly started to begin again. In that time, I met a family and they adopted me into theirs and the pain of loneliness subsided some. I gained a surrogate mother in this family but one that I did not become co-dependent on, entirely. It was different and I was still in a complete daze from the loss of my brother. She is 20 years older than me, a caretaker and very loving and giving.  We did have our difficulties soon after forming our friendship and it was due to that “Monster” that was still inside of me even after moving 1500 miles… - IT FOLLOWED ME once again! My friend and I DID and have managed to keep our friendship strong despite a bumpy road the first few years.

That is how all my “Co-Dependent” friendships started out as an adult.  At first they were great and I was myself, fun, uninhibited, full of confidence, filled with a sense of humor, and had no expectations. I was separate in the beginning.  It was the warm and fuzzy feeling of a new person in my life. The friendship would be “Normal” and then all the sudden that person would do or say something, or I would do something and the friendship would respond in a way that would set in motion my Co-Dependent patterns and tendencies. Soon after, I would display actions and behaviors that at the time I couldn’t explain nor control.  

Something would change in the dynamics of the friendship and I did not know what it was. Secretly, inside I would always think: “Am I gay or something?” I would always question: “Why do I get so attached to women and not men?” “What the Hell is wrong with me?” Deep down though, I knew I was not a “Lesbian!” I never felt in love with them, but I did Love them. The women friendships in my life would meet a “Need” and “Void” of love, acceptance, compassion and tenderness that I never received as a child! (It has only been in the last 6 months that I have come to realize my disease). It was an “EMOTIONAL” connection that was formed! It was NEVER a physical one! It would appear on the outside to be one of unselfishness, giving, self-sacrifice, loyalty and love but all along it would be one of selfishness and control destroying me on the inside and disabling the friendship, shaking its very foundation. 

That person would then become distant; Arguments, Control, Selfishness and Manipulation would set in; and eventually the friendship would dissolve, (Especially in my youth). As an adult, all of my most meaningful friendships rebounded and I leveled out in relating to them. This was only because I would secretly, unbeknownst to me, be searching for my next “Fix” so to speak, and the pressure would soon be off the current friend and on to another. The real reason would never be addressed and the sickness would continue. Co-dependency is an ADDICTION!

Addictions are caused by pain! It is ALWAYS about pain!

I ran from my pain my entire life! I am a wounded soul and as a wounded soul I was looking for relief from that pain and unconsciously sought out distractions or a means to cope, usually resulting in some form of addiction. There are many things to become addicted to; Work, Drugs, Alcohol, Tobacco, Food, Sex, Spending, Shopping, Appearance, Internet, Video Games, Gambling and Relationships. Just to name a few. We live in a society that one way or the other is always about quick relief, satisfaction, selfishness and distraction. 

Keith Richards – Guitarist for the Rolling Stones said this when speaking about his heroin and cocaine addiction:“All the contortions we go through just not to be ourselves for a few hours.”

I did not know it at the time but I would soon find out that:

“I have been trying NOT to be myself,running from my past, 

not just for a few hours but for my entire life!”

You can’t escape something that is buried deep down inside and especially if you don’t even know it exist! Most Co-Dependents cannot identify their feelings. We keep them tucked down in an impenetrable vault. Recovery is part of feeling and accepting those feelings.  Life events and relationships affect Co-Dependents deeply. I was about to meet a friend who would affect me very deeply on many different levels and one whom I would become the most Co-Dependent on in my life! I was about to be addicted to this friendship in more ways than I could have ever imagine and dare admit. The next few years after moving to Florida would truly be far worse pain than even losing my brother; Unmanageable pain than even that inflicted in my childhood. This pain would be so deep, so controlling, so debilitating that it would send me spiraling down an abyss in which I almost did not emerge!

So the story continues:

About two years after moving to Florida I met my dear friend, I shall call her “Penelope.” When I first met her I did not enjoy her much at all! I thought she was shallow, snippy, cocky and very immature. I felt we had nothing in common and she was just too young for me to even begin to relate to, she was 14 years my junior and I was 36! I felt there was nothing that I could possibly learn from her. I tolerated her because of work and went on about my business for a few months. 

Not soon afterwards Penelope had a death in her family. It was her grandfather and when I heard the news, for some reason my heart just had so much compassion and ached for what she must be feeling. I empathized and sympathized, I knew that pain, especially after just losing my brother a year before. Something compelled me to text her and then call her. I believe it was a “Divine Appointment.” Before that, I had, had no intentions or desire for friendship other than a working one. I did not pick her! We had a short but heart-felt conversation and I told her I was there for her and that I knew her pain. After I hung up, I remembered thinking that I had so much compassion for her and I was compelled to help her through this loss. Days after that, I found myself thinking about her and praying for her. 

When she returned to work I decided that I would reach out to her and I bought a little plague with something inspirational on it and a cup of McDonald’s Mocha Iced Coffee and set it on her desk at work. After that we would talk on the phone and hang out quite often. She was filling a hole of loneliness and friendship that I was so desperately trying to fill. Our friendship was fun and exciting. We would have long talks about deep subjects, sharing about our lives, fears, hopes and dreams. She had an excellent sense of humor and is a real deep thinker. I was so wrong on my earlier assessment of her being shallow, she was actually an “Old Soul” and I told her that on several occasions. 

Her birthday was in a few weeks and in previous conversations I had remembered that she really wanted to go to the “Rascal Flatts” concert.  I thought, “That’s it. That would be the perfect gift for her.” I felt that this could really lift her spirits. So I bought the tickets and a card and went over to her office to surprise her. (I should point out: I always gave me friend’s gifts. There is nothing wrong with that but this is where our friendship started to take a turn towards my “Monster – Co-Dependency,” however it would not be until 5 years later that I would understand and recognize this). 

When I handed her the card and she opened it, tears came to her eyes and she said: “I have never had a friend or anyone do anything like this ever for me. Can I give you a hug?”  This was an unexpected reaction and one that warmed my heart to the very core. I had done something for someone and they “APPRECIATED” it and then showed me love and compassion by giving me a hug! Something I hardly ever have received throughout life and even now. That was it! After that instance I wanted that feeling more and more. It was not a sexual feeling but an emotional feeling of love, closeness and acceptance. I would then look for any opportunity to buy or do things for her, whether it would be gifts, lunch, or give her money. I wanted that to be the same reaction to feed that gaping hole of fear, abandonment and rejection with an overwhelming feeling of warmth, compassion and security like that first time.  Looking back in retrospect – that act of giving and her reaction towards that subconsciously took a hold of me and ingrained in me that this friendship was “Performance Based” and would stay in-tact as long as I did things. It made her happy and she responded graciously. I wasn’t trying to buy her friendship, but deep down I knew she couldn’t possibly care and accept me for just being me. That dreaded low self-esteem embedded from my youth.  

Soon though, my attempts to do and be more included in her life and more accepted started to take an unhealthy turn and before long Penelope and I were in that same old pattern I have found myself in too numerous times to count with friends. She started distancing and not wanting me around as much. The more she pushed away the more desperately I would try to cling on. The more she distanced the more I pursued.  On the outside, without any knowledge of Co-Dependency or my intense childhood abuse, it looked to her and others that I wanted to be romantically involved with her. It was perceived by others that I was a lesbian and was after Penelope. Her husband became involved shortly thereafter because I started to scare her and he texted me to stay away from her and not to contact her anymore. 

I WAS CRUSHED! Totally devastated and felt this indescribable pain of rejection, abandonment, fear and worthlessness. The friendship that had breathed life back into me after my brother’s death was now gone! I was paralyzed with grief once again!

The next few months were filled with some of my darkest days. I started drinking a lot to mask the pain; my performance at work went drastically downhill; my interactions with Penelope at work were incredibly stressful and hurtful; I got a DUI; shut down and became terribly depressed and later lost my job! All because of Co-Dependency!

I moved from the area soon after losing my job and tried to once again run away from my past and start a new future. I felt ashamed, felt like a complete and total failure. The next few years would be filled with more failure, more disappointments, and more job loss and economic hardship. On the outside I felt that Penelope had ruined my life! That this friend who I adored just completely threw me out like I was nothing, to me she confirmed what I have always thought since childhood – that I am unlovable and nobody wants me in their life for very long. I did not stop to analyze my role in everything. To me, I thought I was the perfect friend.

I resolved to the fact that this friendship is just like all the others and proceeded to find my footing and get my life back. I did find other jobs and I did meet new people and acquire a few friends along the way, but the failure of Penelope would come to mind often. It was my one true regret with a friendship. This person truly was a special person and friendships like that don’t come around very often. I was angry at myself for destroying it and I missed my friend. I still had no idea that the culprit to all my pain was Co-Dependency. I just believed that there was something wrong with me and set out to change who I was. After a few years I did change and learned to recognize my mistakes but I just hadn’t tackled the one thing in my life that damaged it so tragically. It would take two more years for my eyes to be enlightened to the “Demon” that always followed me and around and tons more pain.  

Please continue with me for parts IV and V as the ending is not what you expect and out of my experiences the emergence of my memoir “Shards of Glass.” 

“Friendship is unnecessary, like Philosophy, like Art. It has no survival value; 
Rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.” – C. S. Lewis

Abuse Author: “Shards of Glass” https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore

Addictions and Childhood Abuse: Codependency and my Life (Part II)

I received several responses from folks eager to hear what specifically I struggled with and how I am coping and continue to overcome my nemesis – Co-Dependency. I had every intention on sharing openly with everyone I was just laying the ground-work for those more unfamiliar with the term.

I can honestly say that I was introduced to this term over 13 years ago while in therapy. I moved there because of my Aunt who I struggled with constantly never realizing that this was what I was facing. While talking one day about the many problems I faced in relating to others the therapist first used the term to describe the problem. Of course at the time I had no idea what she was talking about. All I thought was, 

“Great, another issue I now have to face! Will the trauma from childhood ever end!?”

I remember her giving me a book called “Facing Co-Dependency” by Pia Melody in 2003, it was the year of her release. I really was reluctant and actually stubborn about learning anything about it. After a few sessions I did manage to read some of the book and quickly dismissed it as something I did not struggled with. Either I just was blind about my habits or wasn’t ready to accept the fact that this term “Co-Dependency” was the very culprit, the root of ALL my problems in every major relationship/friendship I ever formed. 

I wish my eyes would have been open and that I was ready back then. I have been in torment for the past 11 years facing the tragedy of my brother’s death; the relocating over 1500 miles; new obstacles; new failed friendships; and failure with my career. I did however; manage to write my personal memoir on Childhood abuse through it all. But as of late I have lost my job again, and lost a significant friendship in my life. I have been forced to my knees countless times praying and praying out of desperation and despair for direction, enlightenment, healing, finances, reconciliation – you name it! This all could have been avoided if only I had embraced the book and recognized the illness that was in my life back then.

In pain and grief I did much soul searching to find meaning to my losses and the state of my life. One day while looking at my bookshelf a book jumped out at me. This book has stayed unopened and unread for many years… unfortunately. BUT that day, I pulled it off the shelf, dusted the cover off and sat down at my desk to muse over it. That book was an illuminating torch searing my very soul. It was the LIGHT, the REASON, the ROOT as to why I always lose the people I love and the Jobs I love working at. That book was the very book my therapist gave to me 11 years earlier. I wish I would have read its pages then because in that course of time I have lost my relationship with my aunt, lost 3 very good jobs and lost a very significant friendship with one of the ladies from my book, one who is mentioned in my acknowledgements. This friend who I adored and helped me with the greatest accomplishment I have done thus far was now gone! 

This friend and I have known each other 9 years. We started off as great friends and it was an immediate void that filled my lonely heart. It was not in a sexual way, as I am completely heterosexual, but in an emotional way. She showed me friendship, love and compassion those things I was in desperate need of. We had deep, meaningful talks about everything and her youthfulness and honesty were addicting to be around. At the time, I tried too hard and wanted too much from her. She is the mother of two young girls and at that time in our life we both worked for the same Company, she was married and I was still coping from my brother’s death a year and a half earlier. Our friendship grew but it also became very strained and unhealthy quick. Just like all the others that ever mattered to me! Soon afterwards the friendship dissolved. It was very painful for me. However, I did bounce back and move on, moving out of the area. I was not co-dependent with her then, but I was well on my way and neither her nor I, had any idea about the “Monster” I was fighting!

I refer to this “Monster” in my book “Shards of Glass” the chapter entitled: “Monster’s in my Closet.” At the age of 5, I knew of this “Monster!” And even when I was writing my memoir, This “Monster” still haunted me. It would take me 40 more years of battling, heartbreak and loss to come to an understanding and realization of my Demon and how it was destroying my life! It would take me almost taking my life before The Lord shined down and enlightened me on what that “Monster” truly was – the “Monster of Co-Dependency!”

But in order to understand where I am currently in my recovery and healing, I must first focus in on, where it started and how it manifested itself so unhealthily for years not just with this current friendship.

Through counseling and group therapy I have since learned what the root of the condition is for me. It may not be the same for others who suffer from Co-Dependency but it is a by-product of dysfunctional families. For me, my interpersonal relationships, the Co-dependent behavior I exhibit was learned by watching and imitating other family members. Co-Dependency is usually rooted in a person’s childhood and the treatment for me involved exploring mine and the deep seeded roots. Co-Dependency is an addiction! It is an addiction to people or relationships and it is a silent killer. It almost killed me!

In digging deep into the past I realized that although my father was the abuser, my mother played a significant role as well in shaping me for a Co-Dependent lifestyle. She fought and protected me every way she could from my father’s violent and drunken rampages but the one thing I did not receive from her was affection and love. The kind of affection and love where your mom holds you in her arms for what seems like an eternity and gently consoles and comforts you. A place where you feel warm and safe, loved unconditionally. I was never loved conditionally or unconditionally by my father. So there was a void there and with my mom fighting for her life and ours, she had nothing to give us in the way of nurturing. Yes, she made sure we were fed, had nice clothes and took a bath. But I needed more!! So very much more; more comfort, more love, more affection, more security, more affirmation and it never came. It is not my mom’s fault but rather the fault of the dysfunctional-ism that ran rampant in our family. 

I am a kid who learned to heal my own pain. Maybe not in a functional/healthy way, but I had to learn how to “Self-Soothe” myself and find ways to get my needs met anyway or through anyone I could. I had no one to teach me healthy relating and interactions. My interactions were filled with screaming, violence, pain, fear and misery. I learned to relate and interact trying desperately to have my needs met as a 5 year old, entering kindergarten. What I learned in those early years, those patterns of unhealthy relating and finding my worth and care in others, carried with me all throughout my life. In many ways I relate as an ADULT to adults the same way an emotionally abused and deprived 5 year old does and those methods of relating are not socially accepted and are certainly not understood by anyone.

I was placed in situations where there was tragedy and trauma, dealing with situations and emotions far beyond my ability to comprehend. I was molded for co-dependency before I was five by being expected and counted on to do things my parents should have been doing. I would be responsible for watching my younger siblings, running errands, going grocery shopping, protecting my mom etc. Responsibilities well beyond my years of performing but I did! I developed an over developed sense of responsibility for my mom and my siblings that would later filter into my meaningful relationships and friendships. 

Suffering from Co-Dependency I would latch on to a particular person who represented something I did or desperately did not receive from my parents as a child. The friendship would start out great until I started to become Co-Dependent upon them and then unhealthy patterns of relating would set in. Unrealistic expectations and desperate tactics of manipulation, control, unrealistic giving and anger would soon overcome the friendship and it would come crashing down. I was then left with such a tremendous void! That horrible feeling of rejection and abandonment would come flooding in and then I would feel an emptiness and feeling of despair so overwhelming I was barely able to function. This would be a repeated pattern, over and over, causing so much additional pain and agony in my life. I would not seek out these people/friendships but they would just occur in my life and before I knew what was happening I would be in a vicious cycle of relating again.

I could not wait to move when I graduated from high school. I felt that many “ex-friends” of mine thought I was weird and totally insane. Because of this condemnation, shame and guilt I would move several times in my life to several different states to start over - to escape the past messes I left behind in relationships. I would first move to Virginia Beach, then after a failed job/friendships and loss to Ohio, (Where I first learned of Co-Dependency and when my brother was killed); and then to Florida; where I didn’t know anyone hoping and praying that the “Monster” would not follow but it did every time!

Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. 

Don’t worry there is more to this story and more in-depth sharing on how and why I even recognized this in my life.

“I am fighting this monster one day at a time and I encourage you to come with me on my journey.”

I will leave you with this from the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying on dying and pain:

“Whatever you do, don’t try and escape from your pain, but be with it. Because the attempt to escape from pain is what creates more pain.”

Abuse Author: “Shards of Glass” https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore

Addictions and Childhood Abuse: Codependency and my Life (Part I)

I know it has been awhile since I wrote my thoughts down for the world to read. I have been confronting internal issues from the past that I have been in denial about and even just recently realized.  As Adult Survivors of abuse there are many issues that we seem to have to overcome on a personal level and daily basis, which the ordinary person can just coast right through and never even considers nor struggle with. On top of emotional and mental struggles most emerge from childhood with, we also develop unhealthy patterns of relating and coping, thus leading to addictions. I am not necessarily referring to drugs, sex, gambling or alcohol.

One of the forgotten and actually relatively new terms that have only surfaced in the last 10 - 15 years in the mental health field is “Co-Dependency.” This is my preferred drug of choice. It is in a sense, an Addiction to People. Specifically those that hold your Self-worth and Esteem in their hands.

For those of you unfamiliar with the term the official/original Webster’s Dictionary term describe Co-Dependency as:

“An extreme dependency by one person on another who is suffering from an addiction. Common characteristics include low self-esteem coupled with a high need for approval. Not a formal psychiatric diagnosis, codependency is a psychological syndrome noted in relatives or partners of alcoholics or substance abusers.”

Although this is the original definition; the term “Co-Dependency” has grown to mean so much more. This was coined by therapists in the 1970’s but little was really known about the condition. They observed that most alcoholics shared a consistent set of behaviors. As family members began to seek treatment they also observed that the family members involved with the alcoholic displayed predictable patterns of behaviors as well. Since much research and studying of the condition the definition has since broadened to include many characteristic that are not always attributed to taking care of a person or living with an addict. It has also been concluded that those suffering from Co-Dependency came from dysfunctional or abusive childhood environments.

Several groups have been formed to help people with many types of problems and addictions. Al-Anon groups were formed in the early 1950”s to address family members in need of support from the effects of living with a person who was deemed an alcoholic.

 Al-Anon is:

"A worldwide fellowship that offers a program of recovery for the families and friends of alcoholics, whether or not the alcoholic recognizes the existence of a drinking problem or seeks help."

Al-Anon groups were addressing the condition known as Co-Dependency long before the term was even developed or recongnized in the mental health arena. The more broadened definition has now come to include the following traits:

·         Feel responsible for others’ behavior; a warped sense of responsibility

·         Need to be needed

·         Givers and people pleasers

·         Fear of rejection and abandonment and try to control them

·         Expect others to make us happy or define our worth

·         Can be demanding or indecisive

·         Can be attentive and caring or selfish and cruel

·         See people and situations as wonderful or awful – one extreme to the other

·         Seek affirmation and attention or sulk and hide

·         Believe they are perceptive, (and are usually), but can’t often see the reality in their own lives

·         See others as either “for us” or “against us”

·         Use self-pity and or anger to manipulate others

·         Communicate contrasting messages, like “I need you, I hate you”

·         Don’t say what they mean and don’t mean what they say

·         Repent deeply but commit the same sins again and again

·         Compulsive fixers and rescuers who are so tied into another’s life and behavior that they lose
           their identity

·         Their whole vane of existence is tied into another’s person’s approval and value of them.

 

I have many of the Co-Dependent behavioral traits listed above. I displayed these traits at the age of 5 when I entered kindergarten and they are now destroying my adult life. Codependency is a compulsion to control and rescue people by trying to fix their problems. It occurs in the lives of people whose need for love and security has gone unmet.  I don’t know about you but every survivor of childhood abuse I have ever encountered has had many needs unmet but most importantly the need for safety, security and love. These needs are essential for a child to grow up feeling valued and appreciated. The Co-Dependent grows up feeling that they need to please or help others and even then, they may not be loved and accepted like they desire.

Co-Dependency is an addiction! It is an addiction to people to somehow and in any way they can, meet these needs through another person. You can become Co-Dependent on:

·         A Spouse

·         Boyfriend/Girlfriend

·         Parent

·         Child

·         Friend

·         Co-Worker
 

It is a dysfunctional way of relating to others and a dysfunction way we see ourselves. It stems from the emptiness inside to have filled. It is a void which should have been filled by our parents in a loving and nurturing environment, but one that is often left empty in house of brutality, cruelty and neglect.

The encouraging news is that this addiction CAN be Broken! Conquering Co-Dependency is much like conquering any addiction. It is said to be one of the hardest addictions to break.  I lost a lot of hope when I first heard this. I have been battling my entire life and now I have this tremendous obstacle to overcome?!

Fighting Co-Dependency is a process. It is a process of retraining and rewiring our thinking and thoughts about ourselves and reality. There are many groups and tools that you can use to conquer this demon. It is much the same as any 12 Step program in fighting any addiction. There is much inward discovery that needs to take place, dealt with and then healed. I will be submitting more on my process to overcome this gruesome addiction in the days to come. I will leave you with this powerful quote by The Buddha:

“The root of suffering is attachment.”

Abuse Author: “Shards of Glass” https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore

Survivor Surviving the Holidays!

I have always loved Christmas! It is my favorite time of the year! Thanksgiving and Christmas are wonderful holidays. A time of being thankful, magical excitement, gatherings, parties, holiday music, and Christian plays and concerts. It is that time of the year where everyone seems to be happy and giving. Unfortunately, for many adult survivors of abuse spending time with family, friends and traveling back home to past environments that once caused us so much agony and pain can be a dreadful time of the year. How do we, that have so much baggage from the past, survive the holidays? It is not the most wonderful time of the year for many survivors! Instead it is a time filled with dread, anxiety, fear and depression. It can stem from painfully hard memories such as I have or from revisiting abusers and environments where the initial pain from childhood occurred.

I am grateful that I can now enjoy the holiday season without many of the regrets I once had. When I was younger after I moved from home and would go to visit I was always excited. I looked forward to seeing my mother and my siblings but dreaded the interactions I would have with my father. None-the-less, I looked forward to seeing my family. It came at a great price usually. After my visit home I would return and be a complete and total mess reverting back into the fear of my childhood. I would have so much anger and rage that I lashed out in many situations and with friends. It would take weeks for me to level out and regain some normalcy in relating and functioning again. I did not know it at the time but what I had experienced was a “Triggering” from revisiting the environment in which so many horrors resided. It took me some time to realize that the fear and emotional trauma resurfaced from the PTSD I suffered as a child. I have learned to deal with the triggers more effectively today and they don’t rock my world like they use to earlier in my healing journey.

The holidays are full of tragic events for me that have taken many years to reach a place where I can actually look forward and enjoy them now. As I have grown in my healing it has become much easier to go back to my home town for visits and see people and places that were once very painful. To share the most triggering events for me from my past is important to show others that even with horrific situations and memories, that you too can reach a point of peace and joy for the holiday season and regain that magic you once had in your youth.

On Christmas morning when I was twelve my next door neighbor was killed in a tragic house fire. She was an elderly woman and due to the extreme frigid temperatures, the space heater caught fire. In my book, “Shards of Glass,” I recount the details of that day and the everlasting scars that seared me so personally. Whether I consciously or subconsciously want to remember or not, those vivid images flash back into my thoughts every Christmas day, and at some point I always remember my neighbor and that fateful Christmas day in 1981.

Thanksgiving was also a rough time of the year until I realized I was not responsible for the “What If’s” or “I should Have,” for this one particular memory. I had a very dear friend’s sister, whom I knew very well commit suicide exactly one week prior. Katelyn and her sister were like family to me at the time. Katelyn’s sister had been struggling with severe depression for months prior to the day she decided she just couldn’t go on. I tired the best I could with Sara Lisa to offer support, advice, and just listen to her pain. Her family was concerned but had no idea the deep level of depression Sara Lisa was suffering from. I was with Katelyn the day she would speak with her sister for the very last time. I remember that when Katelyn hung up the phone her stating that she just got a really weird call from Sara Lisa. I asked her why it was weird and she said, “Because Sara Lisa told me how much she loved me and that she would always love me. She never says that.” I remember thinking for a split second that Sara Lisa was in trouble but quickly shrugged it off. Soon afterwards, I was driving home and thought of stopping by Sara Lisa’s apartment to check in on her. I wish I had, because a short time after that phone call she took a gun and ended her life. I have always felt that if I would have stopped by and went with my gut feeling that Sara Lisa would still be alive today. That year Thanksgiving was significantly horrible and void of any meaning. I was numb from grief and had no clue how to help my friend cope with her tremendous loss. We would later have a falling out because of the intense grief Katelyn was suffering from.

I haven’t visited New York for either Thanksgiving or Christmas in 10 years. The last time I was there it was especially memorable and devastating. It is marked with great regret and guilt even to this day. Overall that year in 2003 it was a pleasant time of visiting family and friends. My father was on his best behavior for the most part and there was not much drama. The event that hurt me the most and causes severe regret today was an intense fight that occurred between my brother and me. We had gone out to the area pub to reconnect and reminisce with old friends. It was a wonderful time of laughing, joking and holiday cocktails. Unfortunately, afterwards it turned ugly rather quickly and we had an intense fight over something I don’t even recall today. There were many harsh words slung back and forth and afterwards I remember racing up to my room and just crying like a baby. I was so badly triggered and hurt by the fight. Thankfully the next day we reconciled and things between us returned to normal. I left to travel back home new year’s eve. Three days after that fight, my life would be forever altered as my dear and only brother was killed in a car accident devastating us all. The regret of having that fight just 3 days before his death and it happening over the Christmas and New Year’s holiday has always left a deep scar.

It is still a stressful time for me and my family causing me pressure and anxiety. The loss of my brother is amplified because the lack of his presence is so noticeable, riddled with memories, regret, remorse, guilt, anger and depression. It has taken almost ten years to find some sense of peace, excitement and courage to even want to celebrate my favorite time of the year again. It has been through great healing from the pain and my faith in the Lord that I have learned to anticipate and enjoy the holiday season. I denied myself that right for years feeling like I would be doing a disgrace to be happy after my brother’s, neighbor’s and friend’s deaths.

For the adult survivor other significant holidays and days such as birthdays or anniversaries can be a very painful time when memories reemerge. Survivors want to sometimes retreat and not participate in holiday functions. It is vitally important that each of us be kind and takes care of ourselves in the decisions we make regarding the holidays. If you know a survivor of childhood abuse, check up on them. Invite them to celebrations and try to include them. I know sometimes I want to retreat and hide but I also want to be included and feel loved with invites and thoughtful gestures. Someone may be hurting and you may be that person who can offer that love and security that they need.

My advice to all of us out there is to remember to honor ourselves and don’t abandon your right to feel happy over the holidays. It is ok to celebrate and to be vigilant so as not to be violated or threatened in anyway when we’re around those past environments or people. Remember you are not a child anymore and you have the power to step out of harm’s way anytime you feel uncomfortable or threatened. You have the right and power now to protect yourself and say “NO” if it doesn’t feel right. Take others who you feel “Safe” with and trust with you to visit family and places that could be potential triggers. My last advice is to stay sober and have a clear head. Alcohol can be the catalyst for arguments and the loss of restraint, resulting in situations that could have otherwise been avoided.

I share a little of the tragedy from my life and especially around the holidays to offer hope that there is always a way through. That no matter what you have endured from the past or are currently going through, that over time – you can heal. You can reach a point where even the most severe, devastating pain does not completely control your emotions. You can find meaning and happiness again.

I am not an expert on how to survive the holidays but I know what works for me and how I have coped with them. I still feel a huge relief after Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s and the death date of my brother, (January 3rd), has passed. I don’t know if I will ever fully be able to have the wonderment and excitement for the holidays that I once had but I promise you that I am going to give it 100% every holiday season to enjoy what I have in front of me and the people I still have in my life, celebrating the joy of the season and of my dear saviors birth!

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Healing New Year.

Shards of Glass “From Tragedy and Trauma Comes Redemption and Triumph!” https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore