Addictions and Childhood Abuse: Codependency Recovery. Final Chapter!

“The people who are meant to be in your life are the ones who know
how to gently wait for you to heal.”

Two days after my suicide attempt Penelope agreed to meet Stephen and I for lunch so that I could share with her what I had come to realize a month prior before our friendship disintegrated. This was a huge move for Penelope because she was afraid of me at that point and her family wanted her to not go. She told her family that this was between her and me and to stay out of it.

When Stephen and I were waiting for Penelope to arrive, my emotions were running wild. I was a nervous wreck to say the least. I was still recovering from the overdose and I was shaky and exhausted. As she approached my heart raced. We all made small talk for a few and then Stephen started off the conversation. Penelope was visibly defensive and had all her walls up. I started to share with her about all the people from my past, including my aunt who I had become Co-Dependent on throughout my life. Co-Dependency had left a trail of broken and severed friendships and heartache. As I shared with her from the deepest parts of me I was completely honest, even admitting things that were embarrassing and troubling to share. Tears instantly filled my eyes and before long I was shaking and in shock from the trauma of the past few days. While I shared and Stephen interjected thoughts and clarifications, Penelope’s walls began coming down. She was concerned but in her eyes were compassion, tenderness and love that years of friendship had instilled within us both. 

As the conversation ended it was agreed that I would check myself in to a facility to get help by the end of the week or else they were both going to “baker act” me. When we were leaving the restaurant we stopped and she gave Stephen a hug and then something very touching happened. I asked Penelope if I could give her a hug, (In my mind I thought it was the last time I would ever hug or see her again).  She immediately opened up her arms and we hugged for many moments face to face as I whispered in her ear that I was so very sorry and that I was humbled and thankful that she forgave me even though it was undeserving.  

  

Stephen and I then stayed and talked and he pointed out that the conversation was very positive and that Penelope gave every indication that she cared, supportive and that the door was open after I sought help and learned about the disease and she saw a visibly new CW in relating and actions. He also stated that someone who wants nothing to do with you anymore would not hug me as she did. He said it was very loving and touching. 

That Sunday I checked myself into a facility and started on my journey to face my demon and committed to conquering Co-Dependency. Before I was admitted I texted Penelope this quote:

“The people who are meant to be in your life are the ones 

who know how to gently wait for you to heal.”

She immediately texted back that she would be thinking and praying for me daily and that she knew I could overcome this and start living a healthy, fulfilling life. 

I vowed once again that she would be the last Co-Dependency friendship I would ever have. As I have said before, codependents take life and relationships/friendships very seriously!  All of my struggles even this entire story stems from my childhood abuse and trauma. The cycle needs to be broken!

A dysfunctional family creates threatening situations-people out of control, angry explosions, no one and nothing on which to rely. We deny our hurt and anger. We deny our right to feel. Co-Dependence is a specific pattern of personality traits that are characterized by loss of self-identity, over-involvement with others as a means of establishing self-identity, and excessive care-taking behavior that results in a lack of self-care. We can tackle our Addictions only if we sense some compassion from somebody. Another wise educator says: 

“Only when compassion is present will people allow themselves to see the truth.” 

Co-Dependence is all about having a dysfunctional relationship with self: with our own bodies, minds, emotions, and spirits; with our own gender and sexuality; with being human. Because we have dysfunctional relationships internally we have dysfunctional relationships externally. Because we cannot be emotionally honest with ourselves we aren’t really being totally honest with anyone ever. Understanding codependency is vital in helping us to forgive our self for the dysfunctional ways we have lived our lives – it is not our fault we are codependent. Codependency causes us to feel like the victim of our own thoughts and feelings, and like our own worst enemy – recovery helps us to start learning how to be our own best friend.  Getting into codependency recovery is an act of love for self. Until we go back and heal our childhood emotional wounds we cannot successfully change the old tapes – we cannot achieve a healthy, emotionally honest relationship with ourselves and others.

I use to believe that my friendship with Penelope was good but that all the problems were entirely a result of me and my hang-ups. That was fantasy thinking - an illusion. Codependent Reflexes in action! Since Penelope and I have disconnected, I have come to realize that it is just as much her fault as it was mine. It was not all MY FAULT and unless she takes responsibility for her role and works on the friendship to create balance there can never and will never be a close friendship again. I cannot and will not go down that same road ever again with her. It was just too painful. I am learning to Identify with my feelings and actions then Detach, by analyzing and disconnecting from it and seeking out healthy positive behaviors and then decide based on objective reality what action I must take in a healthy direction. I will no longer live in the Condemnation, Shame and Guilt that Co-Dependency produces. I will no longer let anyone own me again! As Ali ibn abi Talib quotes:

“Detachment is not that you should own nothing. 

But that nothing should own you.”

I have prayed constantly through desperation, tears and on my knees for healing for my condition. I have prayed relentlessly for restoration with Penelope. Since that time the Lord has blessed me with many women from the church who encourage, inspire and love me no matter what and despite my flaws. They are sticking by me with warmth, compassion and unending prayer. They have helped heal my soul and the deepest parts of my pain. One friend in particular reached out to me when I needed a friend the most. She knows all about my struggles of the past with Co-Dependency and with Penelope. I was advised by my counselor not to engage in a new friendship until I was recovered. But when I share with them about Donna whom they knew they were encouraging and told me that this was the precise friend God has placed in my life to propel me into complete and total healing and that she was a “Safe Person.”

Donna is a safe friend who loves the Lord and in turn loves me unconditionally with all my faults and through all my pain! She has much compassion and patience and is willing to walk with me through Co-Dependency into a realm of healthy friendships and relating and for that I am eternally grateful to the Lord and to her. I have been honest with her about my tendencies and patterns and she in turn, has been dedicated in helping me identify and talk through our difficulties. She will not abandon me when the going gets tough, she will STICK and communicate and will not throw me away! Donna will be the start of healthy relating and healthy friendship that loves and gives equally.  This dear woman of 6 boys holds the title for being the first healthy friendship since my realization of Co-Dependency. She is a gift sent from heaven above! I am eternally thankful for her and the blessing from above to show me what TRUE, GODLY friendship is!

I will always have a deep and unending love for Penelope! I will always think fondly of her and with a smile on my face. I will also hope that one day we can reconnect on healthy ground as equals. But in order for that she must see the role she played in our friendship and the dysfunctionalism she brought into it. I am not asking for an apology but it would be healing for me on a deep level.

I have recovered more than I ever thought I would in the past four months. It has not been easy. It has been tremendously difficult. I have found meaning through my suffering not just with Co-Dependency but with the past trauma and abuse I suffered. There is life after Co-Dependency! I will say that again: 

THERE IS LIFE AFTER CO-DEPENDENCY!

For the first time in my life I am FREE! I am Feeling blessed and deeply gracious and humbled to the God who Restores and heals. To my JEHOVAH-RAPHA (THE LORD OUR HEALER), thank you for hearing my cries and delivering me.

As tribute:

“To the most honest person I have ever known, with an innocence and playful spirit that is so very contagious. Through my pain, you embraced friendship, and without your brutal honesty and inquisitiveness, none of this would have been possible. You are an “Old Soul” and my Inspiration and Truth! I will love and cherish you forever Penelope and hope that our friendship can be restored to a new and healthy friendship, none like we have ever known.”

I wish you all a Blessed Christmas and a hopeful and inspiring New Year!

“To live is to Suffer, to Survive is to find some Meaning In the Suffering.”    - Friedrich Nietzsche

Abuse Author: “Shards of Glass” https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore

Addictions and Childhood Abuse: Codependency and Friendship: How it almost took my life! (Part IV)

"Facing the truth is hard. It is painful as hell! The truth will set you free,

But you have to endure the pain of birthing it." - Iyanla Vanzant

Have you ever met someone who was both one of the Greatest and Worst persons you have ever met? Have you ever had a friendship or relationship that was so inspiring and life breathing but in that same vein sucked the life out of you and almost destroyed you? 

I apologize for the length of this blog but I want to share the progression of the sickness of “Co-Dependency” in its entirety addressing suicide. I don’t believe in cliff hangers!

You have heard me refer to Penelope as a divine appointment and an old soul. This friend has been one of the Best people I have ever met but also one of the most damaging! Surprisingly though, I have learned so much from her perspective on life and with myself. Through her friendship I have accomplished great things and have hit head on the horrors from my past. Tackling major issues and experiencing healing. I have allowed Penelope to speak to me so candidly in ways I do not tolerate much from any other person. She held a mirror up to my face and helped breathe new life into my spirit. Her youth and playful spirit were very much welcomed in my life. She helped me to see things with childlike - positive eyes instead of the cynical - negative, worn down from life eyes that I have been looking through most of my adult life. 

Meeting Penelope was a “Divine Appointment.” This is a meeting with another person that has been specifically and unmistakably ordered by God. Divine appointments are similar in nature to God incidences, God winks, and checks in your spirit. These Christianese terms all refer to ways that Christians feel like God is trying to steer us into a specific encounter or experience so that we can serve God or maybe play a part in their lives and those of another. An “Old Soul” is usually understood as having a wisdom and insight beyond your physical age, or the coined phrase, “Wise beyond their years.” I have been referred to as an old soul and so was my brother. I count it as an honor and I do not throw the term around lightly.

I know for a fact that it truly was a Divine Appointment. Through my friendship with Penelope it has changed my life in so many ways both for the good and bad. It has not always been easy and In fact, most of the time that I have known Penelope it has been a rocky road where we have not been in communication or interacted much. It has been an incredibly difficult and painful relationship to maintain and one in which that pain almost took my life. We have connected back as friends on 2 other occasions and in that time it was awesome and inspiring but then it would quickly dissolve again. Our friendship has always been full of dysfunctional relating. I truly believe that she wants a friendship but that she just does not respond well to my unpredictable, erratic behavior and the lack of Boundaries I display. This behavior stems from my battle with “Co-Dependency!” Co-Dependency is all about Unhealthy Boundaries!

 I am not Co-Dependent on every female friendship I form. There are contributing factors that I have learned that draw me subconsciously to them. For Penelope it is complicated. She has so many traits that remind me of what I either did or did not receive as a child. She is a hurt and damaged person as well and two damaged people coming together create one big ball of “Dysfunctional Relating.”

Penelope resembles my mom, beautiful with long dark hair. She is compassionate, loving, tender, funny, intelligent and witty, (remember I don’t do well with “Shallow People”). She possesses all the attributes I desire and need in my life and look for from others. On the Flip side - she is also very blunt, ridged in thinking and does not apologize often always believing she is right. Her words can take the skin off of you; she has no filter between what she thinks and what comes spewing out of her mouth. When the going gets tough, Penelope bails and pulls her friendship away leaving me feeling: Rejected, Abandoned, Unloved and Unappreciated – feeling “THROWN OUT!” These negative traits coincide with how my father has treated me. So the intricacies and inner dynamics with her have been more intertwined with my past that with anyone other friend I have ever met. I love the attributes she displays that my mother was unable to meet and I hate the negative attributes that remind me of my father – where I find myself striving relentlessly to win her approval and admiration. 

It takes two people to dance in a dysfunctional relationship, one always leads and the other always follows. Two wonderful books on this subject: “Codependence – The Dance of Wounded Souls” by Robert Burney and also “The Dance of Intimacy” by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D. I encourage you to read. 

Unless the pattern is broken and new steps learned the same dance will play out over and over again. I am reminded of the Definition of Insanity:

“Doing the same thing over and over again

 and expecting different results.”

The Continuation of my Story of Co-Dependency:

I will now share with you events that propelled me into one of the darkest abysses I have found myself in since my brother’s death. Remember when I shared that the first time our friendship dissolved I moved away and started a new life? I will now pick up there with my story of Co-Dependency.

After three years of no communication with Penelope we had both been through major life events. She had suffered the dissolving of her marriage coupled with the burdens and stresses of raising her children alone, and I was left again unemployed living in an area I did not enjoy – Punta Gorda, FL – where the average age of folks there is 80 years old! I felt stuck and tremendously alone, questioning everything in my life. My faith was strong but was being tested ferociously to the point I felt trapped and worthless not having much hope. 

I remember sitting at my computer and I just felt led to call Penelope, the one friend who I trusted despite our differences and who I knew still cared about my life. It was an act of desperation and as I dialed the number I was shaking. We talked for a while and after that, we started slowly to have interactions with each other; I believe we both were very apprehensive about reconnecting. This was in November of 2012. We bounced right back into talking and laughing like nothing was wrong and the more we interacted the more we both started feeling comfortable and learning to trust each other again. 

At Christmas time I decided to surprise her family with a much needed gift and made the 2 hour drive to her house. I remember as I pulled into the driveway I was very anxious and started to pray. As I approached her door and knocked I knew at that point there was no turning back. Either we would connect or the friendship would be permanently severed. When she answered she was of course, surprised but then she welcomed me. We sat outside and talked and talked. We laughed, cried, and drank a glass of wine. She wanted to know more about my childhood, so I told her story after story of the horrific pain and anguish I went through. I shared with her everything I could remember at the time.  

She had changed and so had I! We had the most profound conversation we had ever had that night. In that conversation as I shared the compassion, understanding, love and acceptance shined through once again as in times before when we first met. Then she asked this pivotal question: 

“Were you ever raped?”

After I answered her and we talked I saw how she was visibly and deeply moved. She then said the MOST amazing and profound thing I have ever heard and that is why I have so much love and admiration for her even still! The conversation that changed the course of my life thus far:

Penelope: “You need to write a book.” Myself: “My story is like so many others; it’s not that different, who would read it? Her reply was, “I would and so would many others.” She then said something that changed my whole perspective. Penelope: “I have never known anyone with a story like yours. I have never had anyone share what you have shared with me. You read about similar struggles or see movies about them, but seldom do you personally know someone or are friends with someone with this kind of horrifying story.” 

That night, she was not the first person who ever suggested to me

 that I should write a book, but she would be the last!

On January 28, 2013 I set out to do just that. It took me only 3 weeks to write my story from start to finish! I ended my story when I was 19 years old and escaping my childhood with the intent on a sequel. (This is in the works).

Thus the emergence of my Memoir “Shards of Glass” was born! 

I had birthed my pain! 

In that time of writing my Memoir and facing my deepest pain Penelope was by my side offering support, suggestions and encouragement. Unbeknownst to me though, I was becoming Co-Dependent on that relationship. We maintained a friendship better than we had ever experienced staying connected and in each others lives for over a year. That broke the all-time record of friendship for us! In that time I had gained so much trust in her, but secretly I had also developed a very unhealthy dependency on her that neither her nor I knew. 

11 months after releasing my book I moved back to the area where she lived. We maintained that closeness for 2 months. Then in January of 2014 it all came crashing down. I had become so dependent on her every word. I succumbed to performance based friendship again! I gave to her all the time; tried to help her with every problem or situation; I would constantly want to spend time with her and her family; I would go out of my way for her and not others, neglecting other friends; I crossed boundaries. I had put my life on hold and started living through hers. I had become very sick, yet still did not know it. Out of desperation for closeness I would find myself driving by her house repeatedly after we disconnected (something in which I have done with friends since 16 and able to drive). I knew it was “Sick Behavior” but my need for closeness and control had spiraled down the road of Rejection, Abandonment, Depression and sheer Hopelessness. She had become overwhelmed, confused, scared, angry and disgusted with my patterns of behavior. 

Co-Dependency is about control and that control is “Fear-Based!” It is the tremendous fear of abandonment and rejection. It is desperation and appears as obsession in its purest form, trying relentlessly to hold on and control something which makes you feel better, which gives life but that you cannot have! It is completely selfish and does not consider the other person whatsoever. At that point it is all about you and how YOU can get your needs met. I was desperate when I felt no hope in ever restoring the friendship. I was devastated because the “Life Line” I had relied on, was now disintegrating and I felt no hope in my life. Everything else meant nothing! My purpose and meaning of existence was gone! 

Out of that desperation and hopelessness one night after seeing her out and us having a brief conversation that ended ugly and left absolutely no hope afterwards of a friendship. I sunk to one of my lowest levels in life. I was instantly distraught and depression took a hold of me so relentlessly that I was suicidal and proceeded to end my life that night. It was not the person which led me down the road. It was not Penelope in and of herself but the feelings she evoked; the love, compassion, self-esteem and acceptance that I grieved the loss of. Suicide is the ULTIMATE act of desperation! That is sickness to its most devastating degree! In being Suicidal and actually attempting it you have to be out of your mind! We are not built to hurt ourselves. It is engrained in us in birth to fight and survive. You are having a nervous breakdown and seeing no hope. After dealing with tremendous difficulties for the past 4 years; struggling to survive and barely making it financially; the emotional and physical pain of loss; the void of loneliness and meaning in life, it was the only thing I was thinking of: TO END THE PAIN! I had no hope of my life ever being fulfilling again. 

As I was driving home I text two close friends, sharing with them the events of the night with Penelope and my disgust and failure. I told them that I loved them but could just not take the pain of LIFE any longer. I went home after buying 3 Four Locos and drank them all one after another while proceeding to take over 20 pain pills. I was delusional, hysterical, devastated, void and in utter despair. I did not care! I just wanted out!! The last person I texted was Penelope and I said: 

“Please give me a reason to live. Everybody I care about dies, or abandons me. Everybody I care about rejects me because they don’t understand. Please give me a reason…”

That text was sent at 2:36 am.

In the morning those two close friends received my text and were tremendously frightened and feared that I was gone. They tried texting and calling over and over. Stephen was out of town and frantic, they were in communications with each other and then Penelope. Penelope even tried calling twice, the very person who could have pulled me out and still I did not answer. I did not want to come back not even for the very friend who had meant so much to me – there was just TOO MUCH PAIN. Something inside of me urged me to respond to her call. I somehow managed in a state of delirium to send Penelope a text. After repeated attempts by Penelope, she texted me and this was our conversation:

Penelope: “CW there are so many reasons in life! You just need to open your eyes and see them!” Myself: “And you were one of those reasons.” Penelope:  “CW you are OK. Things will be OK, I promise.” Myself: “You hate me and think I’m worthless…Things are NOT OK!!!!” Penelope: “You are NOT worthless!!! No one is worthless CW. Let me tell you something: nothing or no one is worth taking your life! You are a good woman with a good heart. Yes you have issues but we all do. No one is perfect. Don’t be defeated by life CW. Grab life by the horns and make it your bitch! Remember what I’ve always told you: you’re a strong bitch!”

Before that text my dear friend Stephen had called her and they talked for over an hour while he explained to her a conversation he and I had weeks prior regarding “Co-Dependency” and how miraculously I had a revelation that I suffer from this after much soul searching. He had told her that that is what I am inflicted with and the VERY reason the friendship is where it is. He also urged her to keep texting me until he could call after his game was over. 

He later called me after the game and told me of the conversation he had with Penelope and that she had agreed for us three to meet and sit and talk in an intervention effort or else they were going to “Baker Act” me.   

That day August 31^st, 2014 Stephen and Penelope saved my life! And for that I will be FOREVER GRATEFUL!

I will share more on the intervention and steps toward healing my “Co-Dependency” in Part V. Please continue on with me as the story has a remarkable ending. 

Have a Happy and Blessed Thanksgiving as I leave you with this amazing quote:

I don’t want to get to the end of my life 

and find that I lived just the length of it.

I want to have lived the width of it as well. 

– Diane Ackerman; Author and Poet

Abuse Author: “Shards of Glass” https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore

Addictions and Childhood Abuse: Codependency and Friendships (Part III)

“Were only as sick as our Secrets...”

When I moved to Florida from Ohio it was scary and a major culture shock! It had only been 6 months since my brother’s death and I was dead inside. I am not normally a jittery or afraid person but I was then. Traffic, the night, loud noises, almost everything kept me on guard. I was panicky and in foreign territory. I found a part time job quickly to stay on my feet and then my life slowly started to begin again. In that time, I met a family and they adopted me into theirs and the pain of loneliness subsided some. I gained a surrogate mother in this family but one that I did not become co-dependent on, entirely. It was different and I was still in a complete daze from the loss of my brother. She is 20 years older than me, a caretaker and very loving and giving.  We did have our difficulties soon after forming our friendship and it was due to that “Monster” that was still inside of me even after moving 1500 miles… - IT FOLLOWED ME once again! My friend and I DID and have managed to keep our friendship strong despite a bumpy road the first few years.

That is how all my “Co-Dependent” friendships started out as an adult.  At first they were great and I was myself, fun, uninhibited, full of confidence, filled with a sense of humor, and had no expectations. I was separate in the beginning.  It was the warm and fuzzy feeling of a new person in my life. The friendship would be “Normal” and then all the sudden that person would do or say something, or I would do something and the friendship would respond in a way that would set in motion my Co-Dependent patterns and tendencies. Soon after, I would display actions and behaviors that at the time I couldn’t explain nor control.  

Something would change in the dynamics of the friendship and I did not know what it was. Secretly, inside I would always think: “Am I gay or something?” I would always question: “Why do I get so attached to women and not men?” “What the Hell is wrong with me?” Deep down though, I knew I was not a “Lesbian!” I never felt in love with them, but I did Love them. The women friendships in my life would meet a “Need” and “Void” of love, acceptance, compassion and tenderness that I never received as a child! (It has only been in the last 6 months that I have come to realize my disease). It was an “EMOTIONAL” connection that was formed! It was NEVER a physical one! It would appear on the outside to be one of unselfishness, giving, self-sacrifice, loyalty and love but all along it would be one of selfishness and control destroying me on the inside and disabling the friendship, shaking its very foundation. 

That person would then become distant; Arguments, Control, Selfishness and Manipulation would set in; and eventually the friendship would dissolve, (Especially in my youth). As an adult, all of my most meaningful friendships rebounded and I leveled out in relating to them. This was only because I would secretly, unbeknownst to me, be searching for my next “Fix” so to speak, and the pressure would soon be off the current friend and on to another. The real reason would never be addressed and the sickness would continue. Co-dependency is an ADDICTION!

Addictions are caused by pain! It is ALWAYS about pain!

I ran from my pain my entire life! I am a wounded soul and as a wounded soul I was looking for relief from that pain and unconsciously sought out distractions or a means to cope, usually resulting in some form of addiction. There are many things to become addicted to; Work, Drugs, Alcohol, Tobacco, Food, Sex, Spending, Shopping, Appearance, Internet, Video Games, Gambling and Relationships. Just to name a few. We live in a society that one way or the other is always about quick relief, satisfaction, selfishness and distraction. 

Keith Richards – Guitarist for the Rolling Stones said this when speaking about his heroin and cocaine addiction:“All the contortions we go through just not to be ourselves for a few hours.”

I did not know it at the time but I would soon find out that:

“I have been trying NOT to be myself,running from my past, 

not just for a few hours but for my entire life!”

You can’t escape something that is buried deep down inside and especially if you don’t even know it exist! Most Co-Dependents cannot identify their feelings. We keep them tucked down in an impenetrable vault. Recovery is part of feeling and accepting those feelings.  Life events and relationships affect Co-Dependents deeply. I was about to meet a friend who would affect me very deeply on many different levels and one whom I would become the most Co-Dependent on in my life! I was about to be addicted to this friendship in more ways than I could have ever imagine and dare admit. The next few years after moving to Florida would truly be far worse pain than even losing my brother; Unmanageable pain than even that inflicted in my childhood. This pain would be so deep, so controlling, so debilitating that it would send me spiraling down an abyss in which I almost did not emerge!

So the story continues:

About two years after moving to Florida I met my dear friend, I shall call her “Penelope.” When I first met her I did not enjoy her much at all! I thought she was shallow, snippy, cocky and very immature. I felt we had nothing in common and she was just too young for me to even begin to relate to, she was 14 years my junior and I was 36! I felt there was nothing that I could possibly learn from her. I tolerated her because of work and went on about my business for a few months. 

Not soon afterwards Penelope had a death in her family. It was her grandfather and when I heard the news, for some reason my heart just had so much compassion and ached for what she must be feeling. I empathized and sympathized, I knew that pain, especially after just losing my brother a year before. Something compelled me to text her and then call her. I believe it was a “Divine Appointment.” Before that, I had, had no intentions or desire for friendship other than a working one. I did not pick her! We had a short but heart-felt conversation and I told her I was there for her and that I knew her pain. After I hung up, I remembered thinking that I had so much compassion for her and I was compelled to help her through this loss. Days after that, I found myself thinking about her and praying for her. 

When she returned to work I decided that I would reach out to her and I bought a little plague with something inspirational on it and a cup of McDonald’s Mocha Iced Coffee and set it on her desk at work. After that we would talk on the phone and hang out quite often. She was filling a hole of loneliness and friendship that I was so desperately trying to fill. Our friendship was fun and exciting. We would have long talks about deep subjects, sharing about our lives, fears, hopes and dreams. She had an excellent sense of humor and is a real deep thinker. I was so wrong on my earlier assessment of her being shallow, she was actually an “Old Soul” and I told her that on several occasions. 

Her birthday was in a few weeks and in previous conversations I had remembered that she really wanted to go to the “Rascal Flatts” concert.  I thought, “That’s it. That would be the perfect gift for her.” I felt that this could really lift her spirits. So I bought the tickets and a card and went over to her office to surprise her. (I should point out: I always gave me friend’s gifts. There is nothing wrong with that but this is where our friendship started to take a turn towards my “Monster – Co-Dependency,” however it would not be until 5 years later that I would understand and recognize this). 

When I handed her the card and she opened it, tears came to her eyes and she said: “I have never had a friend or anyone do anything like this ever for me. Can I give you a hug?”  This was an unexpected reaction and one that warmed my heart to the very core. I had done something for someone and they “APPRECIATED” it and then showed me love and compassion by giving me a hug! Something I hardly ever have received throughout life and even now. That was it! After that instance I wanted that feeling more and more. It was not a sexual feeling but an emotional feeling of love, closeness and acceptance. I would then look for any opportunity to buy or do things for her, whether it would be gifts, lunch, or give her money. I wanted that to be the same reaction to feed that gaping hole of fear, abandonment and rejection with an overwhelming feeling of warmth, compassion and security like that first time.  Looking back in retrospect – that act of giving and her reaction towards that subconsciously took a hold of me and ingrained in me that this friendship was “Performance Based” and would stay in-tact as long as I did things. It made her happy and she responded graciously. I wasn’t trying to buy her friendship, but deep down I knew she couldn’t possibly care and accept me for just being me. That dreaded low self-esteem embedded from my youth.  

Soon though, my attempts to do and be more included in her life and more accepted started to take an unhealthy turn and before long Penelope and I were in that same old pattern I have found myself in too numerous times to count with friends. She started distancing and not wanting me around as much. The more she pushed away the more desperately I would try to cling on. The more she distanced the more I pursued.  On the outside, without any knowledge of Co-Dependency or my intense childhood abuse, it looked to her and others that I wanted to be romantically involved with her. It was perceived by others that I was a lesbian and was after Penelope. Her husband became involved shortly thereafter because I started to scare her and he texted me to stay away from her and not to contact her anymore. 

I WAS CRUSHED! Totally devastated and felt this indescribable pain of rejection, abandonment, fear and worthlessness. The friendship that had breathed life back into me after my brother’s death was now gone! I was paralyzed with grief once again!

The next few months were filled with some of my darkest days. I started drinking a lot to mask the pain; my performance at work went drastically downhill; my interactions with Penelope at work were incredibly stressful and hurtful; I got a DUI; shut down and became terribly depressed and later lost my job! All because of Co-Dependency!

I moved from the area soon after losing my job and tried to once again run away from my past and start a new future. I felt ashamed, felt like a complete and total failure. The next few years would be filled with more failure, more disappointments, and more job loss and economic hardship. On the outside I felt that Penelope had ruined my life! That this friend who I adored just completely threw me out like I was nothing, to me she confirmed what I have always thought since childhood – that I am unlovable and nobody wants me in their life for very long. I did not stop to analyze my role in everything. To me, I thought I was the perfect friend.

I resolved to the fact that this friendship is just like all the others and proceeded to find my footing and get my life back. I did find other jobs and I did meet new people and acquire a few friends along the way, but the failure of Penelope would come to mind often. It was my one true regret with a friendship. This person truly was a special person and friendships like that don’t come around very often. I was angry at myself for destroying it and I missed my friend. I still had no idea that the culprit to all my pain was Co-Dependency. I just believed that there was something wrong with me and set out to change who I was. After a few years I did change and learned to recognize my mistakes but I just hadn’t tackled the one thing in my life that damaged it so tragically. It would take two more years for my eyes to be enlightened to the “Demon” that always followed me and around and tons more pain.  

Please continue with me for parts IV and V as the ending is not what you expect and out of my experiences the emergence of my memoir “Shards of Glass.” 

“Friendship is unnecessary, like Philosophy, like Art. It has no survival value; 
Rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.” – C. S. Lewis

Abuse Author: “Shards of Glass” https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore