Addictions and Childhood Abuse: Codependency and Friendship: How it almost took my life! (Part IV)

"Facing the truth is hard. It is painful as hell! The truth will set you free,

But you have to endure the pain of birthing it." - Iyanla Vanzant

Have you ever met someone who was both one of the Greatest and Worst persons you have ever met? Have you ever had a friendship or relationship that was so inspiring and life breathing but in that same vein sucked the life out of you and almost destroyed you? 

I apologize for the length of this blog but I want to share the progression of the sickness of “Co-Dependency” in its entirety addressing suicide. I don’t believe in cliff hangers!

You have heard me refer to Penelope as a divine appointment and an old soul. This friend has been one of the Best people I have ever met but also one of the most damaging! Surprisingly though, I have learned so much from her perspective on life and with myself. Through her friendship I have accomplished great things and have hit head on the horrors from my past. Tackling major issues and experiencing healing. I have allowed Penelope to speak to me so candidly in ways I do not tolerate much from any other person. She held a mirror up to my face and helped breathe new life into my spirit. Her youth and playful spirit were very much welcomed in my life. She helped me to see things with childlike - positive eyes instead of the cynical - negative, worn down from life eyes that I have been looking through most of my adult life. 

Meeting Penelope was a “Divine Appointment.” This is a meeting with another person that has been specifically and unmistakably ordered by God. Divine appointments are similar in nature to God incidences, God winks, and checks in your spirit. These Christianese terms all refer to ways that Christians feel like God is trying to steer us into a specific encounter or experience so that we can serve God or maybe play a part in their lives and those of another. An “Old Soul” is usually understood as having a wisdom and insight beyond your physical age, or the coined phrase, “Wise beyond their years.” I have been referred to as an old soul and so was my brother. I count it as an honor and I do not throw the term around lightly.

I know for a fact that it truly was a Divine Appointment. Through my friendship with Penelope it has changed my life in so many ways both for the good and bad. It has not always been easy and In fact, most of the time that I have known Penelope it has been a rocky road where we have not been in communication or interacted much. It has been an incredibly difficult and painful relationship to maintain and one in which that pain almost took my life. We have connected back as friends on 2 other occasions and in that time it was awesome and inspiring but then it would quickly dissolve again. Our friendship has always been full of dysfunctional relating. I truly believe that she wants a friendship but that she just does not respond well to my unpredictable, erratic behavior and the lack of Boundaries I display. This behavior stems from my battle with “Co-Dependency!” Co-Dependency is all about Unhealthy Boundaries!

 I am not Co-Dependent on every female friendship I form. There are contributing factors that I have learned that draw me subconsciously to them. For Penelope it is complicated. She has so many traits that remind me of what I either did or did not receive as a child. She is a hurt and damaged person as well and two damaged people coming together create one big ball of “Dysfunctional Relating.”

Penelope resembles my mom, beautiful with long dark hair. She is compassionate, loving, tender, funny, intelligent and witty, (remember I don’t do well with “Shallow People”). She possesses all the attributes I desire and need in my life and look for from others. On the Flip side - she is also very blunt, ridged in thinking and does not apologize often always believing she is right. Her words can take the skin off of you; she has no filter between what she thinks and what comes spewing out of her mouth. When the going gets tough, Penelope bails and pulls her friendship away leaving me feeling: Rejected, Abandoned, Unloved and Unappreciated – feeling “THROWN OUT!” These negative traits coincide with how my father has treated me. So the intricacies and inner dynamics with her have been more intertwined with my past that with anyone other friend I have ever met. I love the attributes she displays that my mother was unable to meet and I hate the negative attributes that remind me of my father – where I find myself striving relentlessly to win her approval and admiration. 

It takes two people to dance in a dysfunctional relationship, one always leads and the other always follows. Two wonderful books on this subject: “Codependence – The Dance of Wounded Souls” by Robert Burney and also “The Dance of Intimacy” by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D. I encourage you to read. 

Unless the pattern is broken and new steps learned the same dance will play out over and over again. I am reminded of the Definition of Insanity:

“Doing the same thing over and over again

 and expecting different results.”

The Continuation of my Story of Co-Dependency:

I will now share with you events that propelled me into one of the darkest abysses I have found myself in since my brother’s death. Remember when I shared that the first time our friendship dissolved I moved away and started a new life? I will now pick up there with my story of Co-Dependency.

After three years of no communication with Penelope we had both been through major life events. She had suffered the dissolving of her marriage coupled with the burdens and stresses of raising her children alone, and I was left again unemployed living in an area I did not enjoy – Punta Gorda, FL – where the average age of folks there is 80 years old! I felt stuck and tremendously alone, questioning everything in my life. My faith was strong but was being tested ferociously to the point I felt trapped and worthless not having much hope. 

I remember sitting at my computer and I just felt led to call Penelope, the one friend who I trusted despite our differences and who I knew still cared about my life. It was an act of desperation and as I dialed the number I was shaking. We talked for a while and after that, we started slowly to have interactions with each other; I believe we both were very apprehensive about reconnecting. This was in November of 2012. We bounced right back into talking and laughing like nothing was wrong and the more we interacted the more we both started feeling comfortable and learning to trust each other again. 

At Christmas time I decided to surprise her family with a much needed gift and made the 2 hour drive to her house. I remember as I pulled into the driveway I was very anxious and started to pray. As I approached her door and knocked I knew at that point there was no turning back. Either we would connect or the friendship would be permanently severed. When she answered she was of course, surprised but then she welcomed me. We sat outside and talked and talked. We laughed, cried, and drank a glass of wine. She wanted to know more about my childhood, so I told her story after story of the horrific pain and anguish I went through. I shared with her everything I could remember at the time.  

She had changed and so had I! We had the most profound conversation we had ever had that night. In that conversation as I shared the compassion, understanding, love and acceptance shined through once again as in times before when we first met. Then she asked this pivotal question: 

“Were you ever raped?”

After I answered her and we talked I saw how she was visibly and deeply moved. She then said the MOST amazing and profound thing I have ever heard and that is why I have so much love and admiration for her even still! The conversation that changed the course of my life thus far:

Penelope: “You need to write a book.” Myself: “My story is like so many others; it’s not that different, who would read it? Her reply was, “I would and so would many others.” She then said something that changed my whole perspective. Penelope: “I have never known anyone with a story like yours. I have never had anyone share what you have shared with me. You read about similar struggles or see movies about them, but seldom do you personally know someone or are friends with someone with this kind of horrifying story.” 

That night, she was not the first person who ever suggested to me

 that I should write a book, but she would be the last!

On January 28, 2013 I set out to do just that. It took me only 3 weeks to write my story from start to finish! I ended my story when I was 19 years old and escaping my childhood with the intent on a sequel. (This is in the works).

Thus the emergence of my Memoir “Shards of Glass” was born! 

I had birthed my pain! 

In that time of writing my Memoir and facing my deepest pain Penelope was by my side offering support, suggestions and encouragement. Unbeknownst to me though, I was becoming Co-Dependent on that relationship. We maintained a friendship better than we had ever experienced staying connected and in each others lives for over a year. That broke the all-time record of friendship for us! In that time I had gained so much trust in her, but secretly I had also developed a very unhealthy dependency on her that neither her nor I knew. 

11 months after releasing my book I moved back to the area where she lived. We maintained that closeness for 2 months. Then in January of 2014 it all came crashing down. I had become so dependent on her every word. I succumbed to performance based friendship again! I gave to her all the time; tried to help her with every problem or situation; I would constantly want to spend time with her and her family; I would go out of my way for her and not others, neglecting other friends; I crossed boundaries. I had put my life on hold and started living through hers. I had become very sick, yet still did not know it. Out of desperation for closeness I would find myself driving by her house repeatedly after we disconnected (something in which I have done with friends since 16 and able to drive). I knew it was “Sick Behavior” but my need for closeness and control had spiraled down the road of Rejection, Abandonment, Depression and sheer Hopelessness. She had become overwhelmed, confused, scared, angry and disgusted with my patterns of behavior. 

Co-Dependency is about control and that control is “Fear-Based!” It is the tremendous fear of abandonment and rejection. It is desperation and appears as obsession in its purest form, trying relentlessly to hold on and control something which makes you feel better, which gives life but that you cannot have! It is completely selfish and does not consider the other person whatsoever. At that point it is all about you and how YOU can get your needs met. I was desperate when I felt no hope in ever restoring the friendship. I was devastated because the “Life Line” I had relied on, was now disintegrating and I felt no hope in my life. Everything else meant nothing! My purpose and meaning of existence was gone! 

Out of that desperation and hopelessness one night after seeing her out and us having a brief conversation that ended ugly and left absolutely no hope afterwards of a friendship. I sunk to one of my lowest levels in life. I was instantly distraught and depression took a hold of me so relentlessly that I was suicidal and proceeded to end my life that night. It was not the person which led me down the road. It was not Penelope in and of herself but the feelings she evoked; the love, compassion, self-esteem and acceptance that I grieved the loss of. Suicide is the ULTIMATE act of desperation! That is sickness to its most devastating degree! In being Suicidal and actually attempting it you have to be out of your mind! We are not built to hurt ourselves. It is engrained in us in birth to fight and survive. You are having a nervous breakdown and seeing no hope. After dealing with tremendous difficulties for the past 4 years; struggling to survive and barely making it financially; the emotional and physical pain of loss; the void of loneliness and meaning in life, it was the only thing I was thinking of: TO END THE PAIN! I had no hope of my life ever being fulfilling again. 

As I was driving home I text two close friends, sharing with them the events of the night with Penelope and my disgust and failure. I told them that I loved them but could just not take the pain of LIFE any longer. I went home after buying 3 Four Locos and drank them all one after another while proceeding to take over 20 pain pills. I was delusional, hysterical, devastated, void and in utter despair. I did not care! I just wanted out!! The last person I texted was Penelope and I said: 

“Please give me a reason to live. Everybody I care about dies, or abandons me. Everybody I care about rejects me because they don’t understand. Please give me a reason…”

That text was sent at 2:36 am.

In the morning those two close friends received my text and were tremendously frightened and feared that I was gone. They tried texting and calling over and over. Stephen was out of town and frantic, they were in communications with each other and then Penelope. Penelope even tried calling twice, the very person who could have pulled me out and still I did not answer. I did not want to come back not even for the very friend who had meant so much to me – there was just TOO MUCH PAIN. Something inside of me urged me to respond to her call. I somehow managed in a state of delirium to send Penelope a text. After repeated attempts by Penelope, she texted me and this was our conversation:

Penelope: “CW there are so many reasons in life! You just need to open your eyes and see them!” Myself: “And you were one of those reasons.” Penelope:  “CW you are OK. Things will be OK, I promise.” Myself: “You hate me and think I’m worthless…Things are NOT OK!!!!” Penelope: “You are NOT worthless!!! No one is worthless CW. Let me tell you something: nothing or no one is worth taking your life! You are a good woman with a good heart. Yes you have issues but we all do. No one is perfect. Don’t be defeated by life CW. Grab life by the horns and make it your bitch! Remember what I’ve always told you: you’re a strong bitch!”

Before that text my dear friend Stephen had called her and they talked for over an hour while he explained to her a conversation he and I had weeks prior regarding “Co-Dependency” and how miraculously I had a revelation that I suffer from this after much soul searching. He had told her that that is what I am inflicted with and the VERY reason the friendship is where it is. He also urged her to keep texting me until he could call after his game was over. 

He later called me after the game and told me of the conversation he had with Penelope and that she had agreed for us three to meet and sit and talk in an intervention effort or else they were going to “Baker Act” me.   

That day August 31^st, 2014 Stephen and Penelope saved my life! And for that I will be FOREVER GRATEFUL!

I will share more on the intervention and steps toward healing my “Co-Dependency” in Part V. Please continue on with me as the story has a remarkable ending. 

Have a Happy and Blessed Thanksgiving as I leave you with this amazing quote:

I don’t want to get to the end of my life 

and find that I lived just the length of it.

I want to have lived the width of it as well. 

– Diane Ackerman; Author and Poet

Abuse Author: “Shards of Glass” https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore

Preface to My Memoir "Shards of Glass"

PREFACE This project all started when THE question was asked by a dear friend of mine … Were you ever Raped? My snap, knee jerk reply was “NO ‘Just’ molested.” Like THAT was OK? We later joked about the denial. My response seemed ‘funny’. While I have shared with my close friends snap shots of my past, and certain stories or memories that had come to mind, none had directly asked me that question before. I remember driving home from her house, which was a good hour and a half drive. My mind raced into the wee hours of the night. The person who asked me that was once a dear friend. On the night of that infamous question, I had paid her a surprise visit with a Christmas gift for her children. I had not been actively in her life, as a close friend, for over three years. My friend and I met through work, and formed a deep friendship that later crumbled; compliments of my childhood, my suppressed emotions, ingrained and insane coping skills. Three years later, almost to the day, and after dedicated prayers to the Lord for reconciliation, we reconnected and our friendship was restored! The Lord does answer prayers, so be careful what you pray for. “I was only praying for reconciliation in our friendship, not to write a damn book!” Based upon memories and dreams I have had over the years, I found myself answering the question, via text, that had been asked in our conversation a few weeks before. Her reaction was not what I had hoped for; it scared her away once again. It was not what I shared that pushed her back; it was because she felt so badly about it. When she pulled away again though, I was left with one of my most dreaded emotions, REJECTION. I felt she had abandoned me because of what I had shared and that she thought I was some weird, messed up person. I was angry because I finally thought I had shared the right memories and had been rejected for it. I had kept quiet about my memories for years — not wanting to remember, forcing the images back down deep within and only recalling “Snap Shots”. The next few weeks were some of my darkest. I was already months into being unemployed, feeling desperate and with no direction. I was on my knees praying to God for deliverance, direction, strength, peace, reconciliation with friends, basically for everything and anything. I spent those weeks doing some heavy soul searching and being as honest with myself as I have ever been. God was there in the midst, as my previous employer was fighting me on unemployment. I had no money, saw no future, and had no friends in arms reach. A desperate state of being I’ll tell you. God answered yet again… I received my unemployment and they paid me retroactively, which relieved a lot of stress. I did not know at the time that God was also about to answer a few other requests and send me on a journey of blind faith. During that time the Lord showed me more love and peace than I had ever known! Three days later, I went to a baby shower close to where Marivel lived, so I decided that I was going to try one last time with my friend. I wanted to tell her that I was not the same person she knew a few years earlier. I remember pulling up to her house and just sitting in the driveway and praying. When I walked up to her door, I prayed,“Lord please prepare her heart for what I have to say”. When she opened the door I was shaking, I was so nervous. Needless to say, we picked back up where we left off, three years prior. We laughed, cried and drank a glass of wine. She wanted to know more about my past so I told her story after story of the horrific pain and anguish I went through. I shared with her everything I could remember at the time. She was deeply moved and said to me, “you need to write a book”. I told her my story is like so many others, it’s not that different. She then said something that changed my whole perspective. She said, “I have never known anyone with a story like yours. I have never had anyone share what you have shared with me. You read about similar struggles or see movies about them but seldom to you personally know someone or are friends with someone with this kind of story.” She was not the first person who ever suggested to me that I should write a book but she will be the last! I have known for years that the story of my childhood needed to be used somehow to help others. I have felt something in my spirit that said I needed to write a book. When those thoughts would come to the forefront, I would just dismiss them and go back on about my life. When Marivel said it that night, after three years of no friendship and hardly any contact, it struck a nerve so deep. I know it was the Lord’s gentle nudge and a confirmation to what I already knew in my heart I had to do. After that conversation, I knew completely how the Lord had used her in my life. I was encouraged, on January 28, 2013 to officially post on my Facebook page. “I am going to write a book! Detailing things from my traumatic childhood! After years of knowing I should do this, and after the wise words of a dear friend and much prayer, I will start this journey and trust that God will use it for HIS purpose and the healing of others!” This book is a journey into my world. Through the terrified eyes of a child, I will share the pain and torment inflicted on my family and me; by my father... Nobody was left unscathed. My research for this book comes from the countless books I have read on the subject, endless counseling sessions and through my best recollections of childhood. The events that happened in my childhood coupled with the tragedy upon tragedies that my family experienced has made me an expert on my pain and the struggles that I have carried for forty four years of my life. After leaving my friend’s house that night, I wished I would have told her the truth right then, but I was scared to give life to my memories. Speaking them or writing them makes it real! Was what I shared with her really the truth or my vibrant imagination? I started to try to remember and recount if my father had ever raped me. I know I was molested; severely abused physically and mentally tormented. Some of these memories, I know without any doubt happened. Those memories are so vivid I feel like I am right there and it is happening all over again. I can see the images; I recognize the surroundings and hear the words, and feel the physical pain. There are some thoughts that only come in snapshots or flashbacks. I recall all of my dreams. They are graphic and have lots of detail. Those dreams wake me up from a deep sleep and in a cold sweat. When I awake, I am overwhelmed with relief when I realize it was only in my dreams and not actually happening again. When I dream those dreams, it helps me put the pieces of the puzzle together. Even as I write these words though, I am still unsure. I hope that through the course of this journey I will find that the account I gave her was what actually happened. Better still would be that my father will eventually admit to all that he did, and that in doing so fill in the empty gaps that self-preservation just will not allow me to remember completely. But that one question, “Were you raped” still resounds in my thoughts and has sent my memories into overdrive. I am so frustrated because I know what I know, but at the same time, I do not know. I think it happened, have the images that prove it did, but I do not have the 100% cognitive recollection to substantiate it. “Was I just dreaming it, or did it really happen?” I trust Marivel was right, and that this is something people will identify with; be moved by, touched and healed through reading. I do not write this to hurt my father, to disgrace his name, out of anger or to get back at him. I have sincerely made my peace and have forgiven him for the past because I have come to realize that he too, was a victim of generational abuse, and his actions were a direct reaction to things he experienced himself as a child. That does not dismiss what he did and how he emotionally, physically and permanently altered the childhoods of four little children. “I do not write this for fame or fortune. I write this to be obedient to the Lord and what I know to be His inner voice in my spirit. I write this because as I was figuring out who I was and why I acted, felt and thought the way I did, it was so comforting and reassuring to read my struggles in someone else’s book and know that I am not ALONE. That yes, others out there have experienced the same or very similar experiences and have overcome all the illness that comes with being an adult survivor of experiencing spousal, sexual, physical and emotional abuse. I write this to be a legacy as I have no kids of my own nor do I think I will ever. I write this to finally share that inner horror that I have been held a prisoner in for so very long. I write this to end the cycle in our family of abuse and destructiveness. I write this for my healing and to have no secrets anymore! I write this to be used by someone else to experience freedom and peace. This book is not a self-help book with intellectual facts and studies on the effects of child abuse. I am not a professional writer nor do I claim to be an expert on abuse, stolen innocence, fear or trauma. This is simply a memoir of my childhood and most importantly my PAST, what I endured, how I tried to cope, how I failed but most importantly that I survived and how the Lord is continuing to heal me day by day. The day this is published will be the day my life is once again, forever altered!”