I was just recently re-introduced to the “Coined” term The Stockholm Syndrome, for the undying loyalty and even compassion; I had toward my abuser, My Father. I had heard that term passed around quite often in the past and never really thought it applied to my life because I always associated it with the Concentration Camp Prisoners or Prisoners of war. I never really realized it is a Syndrome acquired by also being abused as a child; battered; an incest victim; in a cult or in a controlling or intimidating relationship. But after a conversation with a friend and a recent situation I was involved with, I have come to recognize that it is one of the main reasons I never talked about my abuse to friends or others in a position to help. I had this sick, undying loyalty to my father! I always classified it as the “Survivors Guilt” syndrome in my own mind.
The term, Stockholm Syndrome, was coined to describe the puzzling reactions and emotional interactions of four bank employees who were held captive by two criminals brandishing machine guns. On August 23, 1973, three women and one man were taken hostage in one of the largest banks in Stockholm, Sweden. They were held for six days (131 hours), by two ex-convicts who threatened their lives by strapping them with dynamite and placing them in a vault until they were finally rescued on August 28th!
After their rescue the hostages exhibited a shocking attitude considering what they had just gone through by being threatened, abused and fearing for their own lives. They supported and had compassion on their captors. One woman even later formed a legal defense fund to aid in the criminal defense! Two of the women eventually got engaged to the captors. Those hostages became “Bonded” in a sick emotional sense!
After the Stockholm incident, many journalists, physiologist and social scientists formed research as to whether the emotional bonding between a captor and captives was a "freak" incident or if it was a common occurrence in various oppressive situations. They discovered that it was such a common phenomenon that it deserved a name. Thus, the label, Stockholm Syndrome. In actuality, anyone can acquire the Syndrome if they are involved in situations similar to these:
Concentration Camp Prisoners; Cult Members; Civilians in Chinese Communist Prisons; The Pimp/Prostitute Relationship; Incest Victims; Physically and/or Emotionally Abused Children; Battered Women; Prisoners of War; Victims of Hijackings, and of course, Hostages. The following perceptions of those directly involved as the “Victim” in horrifying situations is a guideline for how the syndrome actually occurs:
• A Perceived threat to survival and the belief that the captor/perpetrator is willing
to act on that threat
• The captive's perception of a small act of kindnesses displayed from the captor
within the context of terror/fear
• Isolation from other perspectives than those of the captor (Influenced by Captor)
• Perceived inability to escape and hopelessness
The “Stockholm Syndrome” is a survival mechanism; those that have acquired it are not raving lunatics! We are people who were placed in life threatening situations where we had to fight for our lives! We had no idea that we were forming this sick bond between the abuser while it was happening! Every syndrome has a list of symptoms or behaviors and the “Stockholm Syndrome” is no exception. The most commonly accepted symptoms are:
• Positive feelings by the victim toward the abuser/controller
• Negative feelings by the victim toward family, friends or authorities trying to
help/rescue them from situation
• Support of the abuser’s reasoning and actions for the situation
• Positive feelings displayed by the abuser toward the victim
• Supportive behaviors by the victim and at times aiding/helping the abuser to escape
• Inability to engage in behaviors that may assist in their release or rescue
I think one of the reason I never classified my loyalty toward my father as the
“Stockholm Syndrome” was because I never thought I was held captive against my will or a prisoner in a terrifying situation. It was my father and I was his daughter in a family nucleus where He was supposed to be my protector; my refuge and source of safety and security. But I believe the most direct reason was that, I never associated the syndrome with my own life. It wasn’t until years later, that I learned I had this “Sick Sense of Loyalty” toward him and that I was held a prisoner against my will in the abuse that I endured!! I really hated him as a child and young teen, I wanted him caught, and I wanted the abuse to stop. I wished him dead so often in my youth! I didn’t know I was subconsciously protecting him. I guess I never fully realized how truly horrible my abuse was because it was at the hands of a true, biological parent until after writing “Shards of Glass”, and hearing all the comments. What others have said is that what makes my story so horrible and gut wrenching is that it was at the hands of a parent. The ONE who was supposed to show unconditional love, provide comfort, offer a safe environment and a person to trust!
I have since forgiven my father of all his crimes. I now sometimes wonder if the
“Stockholm Syndrome” is the direct reason and not the compassion I formed after understanding his own abuse as a child, which has allowed me to forgive him. I wonder now, if my hiding the publishing of my book under a pen name and not sharing my true identity with others is to protect my family or HIM? My mom has co-dependency issues and feels that telling my father I wrote this book would on cause him to “Go Off the deep end”, that it would ruin the only thing he has left, his reputation. Is revealing that I wrote the book going to change the past? I do fear that if he ever gets wind or anyone from my childhood past ever finds out and tells him, that he will try to harm himself. I don’t want that on my hands or conscious. I have been perplexed with this entire situation ever since I started writing the memoir. The only reason I have written under a pen name is to protect HIM! But if I reveal my identity now, will I push my mom away? Am I protecting him in a sick way by hiding behind protecting my family? These are hard questions to answer!
In any case, these issues I believe are all things that every adult survivor of abuse is faced with. We love to protect our abuser! We protect the very person who ultimately destroyed our childhood, who directly contributed to the struggles and hurdles we have had to overcome as adults. The effects of childhood abuse are far reaching and come with many complex issues, emotions and thoughts being carried into the Adult portion of our lives! But in the wise words of one of my favorite philologist and philosophers:
“That which does not kill us, Makes us STONGER!” – Friedrich Nietzsche
"Shards of Glass" By CW Seymore https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Sunday, August 25, 2013
The Effects of Abuse are Far Reaching…Long after the FINAL BLOW!
Just recently I was involved in a serious car accident where I slammed into the back of a semi going 75 mph. He merged into my lane and I did not have time to react. As a result, I totaled my car and was in extreme pain. Later, I was taken to the ER where they did a total body MRI to check for internal damage. I was in severe pain at the time and there was concern about internal bleeding or organ damage.
My mother was in the room with me as we waited for the results and when the doctor came in, he asked my mother to leave the room, I told him no she could stay. That comment bothered and scared me.
The Doctor then asked me if I had been in any prior major accidents, I said “No”, he then asked if I had been abused or a victim of Domestic Violence? I immediately thought to myself, “Why would he be asking me this?” I answered him, that “Yes I had been abused,” not going into detail as to how because my mom was sitting in the room and I did not want to give the doctor the impression that she was the perpetrator. He said, “Well that explains a few things, your joints, neck and back are riddled with arthritis and there are a few broken bones that never healed correctly.” He told me I had the back of an 80 year old. That disturbed me because I am only 44! When he left the room, mom and I talked about the past abuse and how all the physical violence we both endured has contributed to a lifetime of physical and internal pain. She too suffers from chronic pain, arthritis, inner ear arches, and joint issues from a lifetime of abuse. The effects of abuse are felt long after the final blow!
These are just some of the Effects from my childhood abuse. I can crack my neck and back at will, so badly in fact, that others cringe when they hear it. I am often reminded of that skit on Saturday Night Live, where this older gentlemen is getting out of bed and spends several minutes cracking every bone in his body, just to get out of bed, right down to his nose and ear lobes. It is a funny skit but one that is, unfortunately my reality. I have constant fatigue and chronic acute pain. I deal with it rather well, but as I get older I fear that It will get severely worse actually altering my lifestyle. I am a very active person and always on the go. It is a fear I now have after hearing the doctor’s comments on my physical conditions.
Other less obvious effects that have plagued my entire life are:
Fear; Inability to Trust; Low self-esteem; Difficulty with Intimacy; Poor Decision making; Guilt; Depression; Shame; Self –Destructive Behaviors; Suicidal Thoughts; Issues with alcohol. The list actually continues but these are the issues I have had to deal with at some point in my life.
There are numerous factors that contribute to how abuse affects an individual:
The child’s age and developmental status when the abuse or neglect occurred
The type of maltreatment (physical abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, etc.)
The frequency, duration, and severity of the maltreatment
The relationship between the child and the perpetrator
There has been much research done to explore why, given similar conditions, some children experience long-term consequences of abuse and neglect while others emerge relatively unscathed. The ability to cope, and even thrive, following a negative experience is often referred to as “resilience.” I like to think I am a very RESILIENT SURVIVOR! Even though my abuse started at age 4 and continued until I was 19, where I suffered extreme physical, emotional and mental abuse, molestation later and rape I still have tremendous resilience. My perpetrator for all of my abuse except for my Rape, was my father. I was Raped by a stranger when I was 16 years old. I suffered helplessly in coping with my abuse in much of my twenties and started to thrive when I entered my thirties. I sought active counseling and I refused to stay stuck in the past, wallowing in the emotions and paralyzed by depression. I have always been a “High Functioning” survivor and I am very proud of that!
Even through all the pain from my past, if you didn’t know my story--you wouldn’t have known my story! Most of my scars are on the inside. I do have several that are noticeable though, those ones don’t hurt as bad as the internal scars. When I think back over the course of the abuse in my life I feel so much. I have one major regret so far in this life, and that is that I never had children. This does anger and hurt me though, because all the abuse did linger into my adult life and it has robbed me of certain things where I now feel slighted at times, when I think about them.
There were three factors that contributed to not having children; one, I was afraid I would be abusive; two I have never allowed anyone close enough in to ever get to that point; and three because of the Fear of inheriting Huntington’s disease, which there is no chance of now, thank the Lord. Whew! My mom is safe and that now means my sisters and me are too! I have a good friend who has two younger girls that I love and adore. I just recently told her, “I am adopting your children.” Figuratively of course, but if they have a need I want to be there to help fill it. I feel I have missed out on this one important thing in life!
Another area where I feel I was robbed was my inability to trust people and form intimate relationships. I focused so much of my life on healing from the past and relearning destructive, dysfunctional patterns of operating, that the area of relationships has suffered. The fear of Intimacy has always been my “kryptonite.” I am strong in every other area of my life now except for this. It is here where I have little self-esteem; here that I feel my greatest fears of rejection and inadequacy surface, and here, where the last chapter of the past needs to be read and re-written. I have made great strides on re-writing this and believe that it is only a matter of time before I declare to the world, “I am in a HEALTHY, Loving Relationship” or “I AM Getting Married!” A few years ago, if I typed those words a great bolt of panic would have shot through my entire being causing anxiety, panic and fear, but today as I type them, I have a smile on my face and a pleasant expectation of the future with only a mild case of those feelings!
If I think about the past too long I feel anger that I had to waste so much of my adult life on healing and “Getting Well.” I regret that things didn’t come easy for me, that it has been a constant battle! Where my life has been tremendously hard! I sometimes have anger towards my father because he not only robbed me of my childhood, his abuse trickled into my adult life causing a daily fight to behave, act and feel “Normal” in this world. Those things which come “Easy” for others are so very hard for me and if you are reading this, you too are probably an Adult Survivor and you’re shaking your head in agreement right now because we all suffer in some form or fashion with the same issues.
When I start to feel angry over the past and think back on how hard the Journey has been to get to this point I have a choice…To get angry or to get motivated, accepting the past as the cornerstone for who I am now and what I am accomplishing. I have chosen to get motivated, accepting my past as part of my Journey to help others. It is now my responsibility to raise awareness and to help others through their pain, telling others my story and how I healed!
In writing “Shards of Glass” it has been my greatest triumph, the greatest source of healing and the greatest honor in knowing that others are reading my story and gaining hope and healing from it. I just read a comment on facebook, “I admire your Courage.” That courage did not come easy and it has been a lifelong fight. I am thankful for those that read my words and our comforted in knowing that you are not alone and that there is hope and healing from the long reaching effects of childhood abuse!
Please check out my memoir on amazon.com here is the link. http://www.amazon.com/Shards-Glass-CW-Seymore/dp/1483922650/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1376784198&sr=1-1
My mother was in the room with me as we waited for the results and when the doctor came in, he asked my mother to leave the room, I told him no she could stay. That comment bothered and scared me.
The Doctor then asked me if I had been in any prior major accidents, I said “No”, he then asked if I had been abused or a victim of Domestic Violence? I immediately thought to myself, “Why would he be asking me this?” I answered him, that “Yes I had been abused,” not going into detail as to how because my mom was sitting in the room and I did not want to give the doctor the impression that she was the perpetrator. He said, “Well that explains a few things, your joints, neck and back are riddled with arthritis and there are a few broken bones that never healed correctly.” He told me I had the back of an 80 year old. That disturbed me because I am only 44! When he left the room, mom and I talked about the past abuse and how all the physical violence we both endured has contributed to a lifetime of physical and internal pain. She too suffers from chronic pain, arthritis, inner ear arches, and joint issues from a lifetime of abuse. The effects of abuse are felt long after the final blow!
These are just some of the Effects from my childhood abuse. I can crack my neck and back at will, so badly in fact, that others cringe when they hear it. I am often reminded of that skit on Saturday Night Live, where this older gentlemen is getting out of bed and spends several minutes cracking every bone in his body, just to get out of bed, right down to his nose and ear lobes. It is a funny skit but one that is, unfortunately my reality. I have constant fatigue and chronic acute pain. I deal with it rather well, but as I get older I fear that It will get severely worse actually altering my lifestyle. I am a very active person and always on the go. It is a fear I now have after hearing the doctor’s comments on my physical conditions.
Other less obvious effects that have plagued my entire life are:
Fear; Inability to Trust; Low self-esteem; Difficulty with Intimacy; Poor Decision making; Guilt; Depression; Shame; Self –Destructive Behaviors; Suicidal Thoughts; Issues with alcohol. The list actually continues but these are the issues I have had to deal with at some point in my life.
There are numerous factors that contribute to how abuse affects an individual:
The child’s age and developmental status when the abuse or neglect occurred
The type of maltreatment (physical abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, etc.)
The frequency, duration, and severity of the maltreatment
The relationship between the child and the perpetrator
There has been much research done to explore why, given similar conditions, some children experience long-term consequences of abuse and neglect while others emerge relatively unscathed. The ability to cope, and even thrive, following a negative experience is often referred to as “resilience.” I like to think I am a very RESILIENT SURVIVOR! Even though my abuse started at age 4 and continued until I was 19, where I suffered extreme physical, emotional and mental abuse, molestation later and rape I still have tremendous resilience. My perpetrator for all of my abuse except for my Rape, was my father. I was Raped by a stranger when I was 16 years old. I suffered helplessly in coping with my abuse in much of my twenties and started to thrive when I entered my thirties. I sought active counseling and I refused to stay stuck in the past, wallowing in the emotions and paralyzed by depression. I have always been a “High Functioning” survivor and I am very proud of that!
Even through all the pain from my past, if you didn’t know my story--you wouldn’t have known my story! Most of my scars are on the inside. I do have several that are noticeable though, those ones don’t hurt as bad as the internal scars. When I think back over the course of the abuse in my life I feel so much. I have one major regret so far in this life, and that is that I never had children. This does anger and hurt me though, because all the abuse did linger into my adult life and it has robbed me of certain things where I now feel slighted at times, when I think about them.
There were three factors that contributed to not having children; one, I was afraid I would be abusive; two I have never allowed anyone close enough in to ever get to that point; and three because of the Fear of inheriting Huntington’s disease, which there is no chance of now, thank the Lord. Whew! My mom is safe and that now means my sisters and me are too! I have a good friend who has two younger girls that I love and adore. I just recently told her, “I am adopting your children.” Figuratively of course, but if they have a need I want to be there to help fill it. I feel I have missed out on this one important thing in life!
Another area where I feel I was robbed was my inability to trust people and form intimate relationships. I focused so much of my life on healing from the past and relearning destructive, dysfunctional patterns of operating, that the area of relationships has suffered. The fear of Intimacy has always been my “kryptonite.” I am strong in every other area of my life now except for this. It is here where I have little self-esteem; here that I feel my greatest fears of rejection and inadequacy surface, and here, where the last chapter of the past needs to be read and re-written. I have made great strides on re-writing this and believe that it is only a matter of time before I declare to the world, “I am in a HEALTHY, Loving Relationship” or “I AM Getting Married!” A few years ago, if I typed those words a great bolt of panic would have shot through my entire being causing anxiety, panic and fear, but today as I type them, I have a smile on my face and a pleasant expectation of the future with only a mild case of those feelings!
If I think about the past too long I feel anger that I had to waste so much of my adult life on healing and “Getting Well.” I regret that things didn’t come easy for me, that it has been a constant battle! Where my life has been tremendously hard! I sometimes have anger towards my father because he not only robbed me of my childhood, his abuse trickled into my adult life causing a daily fight to behave, act and feel “Normal” in this world. Those things which come “Easy” for others are so very hard for me and if you are reading this, you too are probably an Adult Survivor and you’re shaking your head in agreement right now because we all suffer in some form or fashion with the same issues.
When I start to feel angry over the past and think back on how hard the Journey has been to get to this point I have a choice…To get angry or to get motivated, accepting the past as the cornerstone for who I am now and what I am accomplishing. I have chosen to get motivated, accepting my past as part of my Journey to help others. It is now my responsibility to raise awareness and to help others through their pain, telling others my story and how I healed!
In writing “Shards of Glass” it has been my greatest triumph, the greatest source of healing and the greatest honor in knowing that others are reading my story and gaining hope and healing from it. I just read a comment on facebook, “I admire your Courage.” That courage did not come easy and it has been a lifelong fight. I am thankful for those that read my words and our comforted in knowing that you are not alone and that there is hope and healing from the long reaching effects of childhood abuse!
Please check out my memoir on amazon.com here is the link. http://www.amazon.com/Shards-Glass-CW-Seymore/dp/1483922650/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1376784198&sr=1-1
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Is the Negative Committee Meeting in YOUR Head?
“Tell the Negative committee that meets inside your head to sit down and shut up” – Ann Bradford
I don’t just have a committee. I have an entire Army that wants to sabbotage my thoughts and emotions holding them captive!
I have been really thinking about all the angry, negative, cruel people you meet throughout the day. We live in a very negative society filled with folks who want to lash out at another because of their own pain and misery. It doesn’t take much to “Set” someone off these days. I use to be one of those angry, negative people ready to pounce at a moment’s notice on or at; anyone who I felt rubbed me the wrong way somehow. Whether it be with their attitude, opinions, or even the way they looked at me. I was quick to lash out and try to make another as miserable as I was.
In a conversation with a friend the other day who was feeling down, we got to talking about listening to the negative self-dialogue in our heads. Negative ping pong, is what I like to call it. We talked about how at a moment’s notice we can just feel really down, discouraged and not sure why or what the cause. We talked about our thoughts and how the mind is a very dangerous place to play. It then occurred to me, and I was reminded of that nasty little demon we all have: NEGATIVE SELF-TALK! I have been a dedicated student of this course for years, receiving an “A” and honorable mention in my studies! I am harder on myself than anyone ever needs to be with me. One negative comment sends my thoughts racing back into the past remembering the words of my father. “You’re stupid, fat, ugly and never going to amount to anything.” Those words were yelled and screamed at me almost every day in my childhood, and although I did not know it at the time, I internalized every one of them.
It has been a constant battle within me to see the good, and what I have to offer in this world. That I am not always wrong, and I am not defined by what another thinks or says about me! I have wrestled with feelings of Self-Loathing, Self-Doubt, and poor Self-Esteem. Anything having to do with myself, and how I viewed ME, use to be very “Negative”; leading me down a dangerous path of feeling, “I can never do anything right” or “I am unworthy of anything good.” That kind of thinking sends out the “Memo” to the “Negative Committee” who then, immediately calls a meeting to order to start a discussion!
I have been re-learning to turn the volume down when my “Negative Self” is blaring loudly. If I don’t stop the negative thinking and emotions quickly, my entire being becomes a runaway train headed for a path of destruction. The more I concentrate on the negative self-talk in my head, (usually triggered by daily events, people or circumstances); the harder it is to put those things behind me, and pull myself back out into the realm of Positive thinking. It has been documented that Self-Destruction is one of the 7 basic character flaws. It is a dysfunctional relationship with your personal self. As Adult Survivors we have the tendency to self-destruct and have dysfunction in all our relationships, including the one we have with ourselves!
There are two things that I have learned in defusing the Negative Self-dialogue in my head. These tactics I use to battle this nasty little demon when I am headed down this dangerous and self-destructing road.
One is to embrace my imperfections, as we all have them, forgiving myself of the mistakes I make, both past and present. It is hard for Adult Survivors, were perfectionists in all that we do. Being perfect was ingrained within me at such an early age because if I acted as perfectly as I could in the home, then maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t get abused. So I tried to be as “Good” as I could, and nobody can be perfect, so I often failed, resulting in… all of us who were ever abused know the outcome of that!
Two, the negative ping pong match begins when I start to compare myself with another or their lives, wanting what they have, because I think their life is much easier or better than mine. I have always hated it when someone says “I have a life,” which to me, is insinuating that I don’t! I have learned the hard way that comparing my life or myself to another’s, is a fast-track to depression, and negative thinking. It is then that I am reminded of my dear old friend’s words of wisdom, “If you could choose from anyone else’s life or problems in the entire world what you perceive to be as the perfect life, you would still go back and choose your OWN!” Comparing ourselves is I think one of the chief catalysts for the “Negative Self- talk” battles we have within us. Especially for us Survivors, as we always feel where not good enough, can’t do anything right, everybody is always better. You know the thoughts you have, because I have them too!
Our biggest enemy in everyone’s life, in my opinion is the Negative Dialogue we have within ourselves! We think too much, creating problems that weren’t even there; stirring up emotions we were not feeling; which lead to being negative, depressed and angry to those around us often lashing out! How I pull myself out of all of these situations is training my thoughts, recognizing immediately when my self-talk is active and speaking loudly, and then quickly focusing on what is reality! Not the illusions being played out in my Head. A great analogy of this is when we were kids alone in our beds at night. We would hear sounds or see images, and soon the infamous “Boogie Man” and “Monsters” under the bed scenario would play out. We would get scared and see things that weren’t even there! The more we concentrated on it the more “Real” it became, and in all actually there was NOTHING ever to worry about! We do that as adults, only are Boogie Mans and Monsters are much more real and frightening.
Our mind creates many illusions and if we believe them, we are headed down a miserable path of negativity, and fear; spreading it to others and ultimately throughout the world. We need to learn to forgive ourselves for our shortcomings, not living in the past, or worried about the future, but just focusing on the NOW, the present. When we change our patterns of thinking and self-dialogue our situations, emotions and feelings will follow suit! I try to put circumstances, events, and people into perspective as they occur, dismissing the “what if’s” and the “Wish I’s.” It is then that I Shout to that committee, “Sit down and Shut Up!”
When we live in the past it creates regret and depression; when we live in the future it creates anxiety and fear. We need to live in the present and deal with the situations and events as they come. If you keep paying attention to the darkness you will never see the light! A content happy person is one who is caught up in the present, not thinking about the past or focusing on the future.
Vibrate positive thoughts about your life, yourself and others and together we can make a difference in this world!
“If you’re going to THINK then you might as well think positive. Remember positive thoughts and actions are seeds that will produce positive results.”
I don’t just have a committee. I have an entire Army that wants to sabbotage my thoughts and emotions holding them captive!
I have been really thinking about all the angry, negative, cruel people you meet throughout the day. We live in a very negative society filled with folks who want to lash out at another because of their own pain and misery. It doesn’t take much to “Set” someone off these days. I use to be one of those angry, negative people ready to pounce at a moment’s notice on or at; anyone who I felt rubbed me the wrong way somehow. Whether it be with their attitude, opinions, or even the way they looked at me. I was quick to lash out and try to make another as miserable as I was.
In a conversation with a friend the other day who was feeling down, we got to talking about listening to the negative self-dialogue in our heads. Negative ping pong, is what I like to call it. We talked about how at a moment’s notice we can just feel really down, discouraged and not sure why or what the cause. We talked about our thoughts and how the mind is a very dangerous place to play. It then occurred to me, and I was reminded of that nasty little demon we all have: NEGATIVE SELF-TALK! I have been a dedicated student of this course for years, receiving an “A” and honorable mention in my studies! I am harder on myself than anyone ever needs to be with me. One negative comment sends my thoughts racing back into the past remembering the words of my father. “You’re stupid, fat, ugly and never going to amount to anything.” Those words were yelled and screamed at me almost every day in my childhood, and although I did not know it at the time, I internalized every one of them.
It has been a constant battle within me to see the good, and what I have to offer in this world. That I am not always wrong, and I am not defined by what another thinks or says about me! I have wrestled with feelings of Self-Loathing, Self-Doubt, and poor Self-Esteem. Anything having to do with myself, and how I viewed ME, use to be very “Negative”; leading me down a dangerous path of feeling, “I can never do anything right” or “I am unworthy of anything good.” That kind of thinking sends out the “Memo” to the “Negative Committee” who then, immediately calls a meeting to order to start a discussion!
I have been re-learning to turn the volume down when my “Negative Self” is blaring loudly. If I don’t stop the negative thinking and emotions quickly, my entire being becomes a runaway train headed for a path of destruction. The more I concentrate on the negative self-talk in my head, (usually triggered by daily events, people or circumstances); the harder it is to put those things behind me, and pull myself back out into the realm of Positive thinking. It has been documented that Self-Destruction is one of the 7 basic character flaws. It is a dysfunctional relationship with your personal self. As Adult Survivors we have the tendency to self-destruct and have dysfunction in all our relationships, including the one we have with ourselves!
There are two things that I have learned in defusing the Negative Self-dialogue in my head. These tactics I use to battle this nasty little demon when I am headed down this dangerous and self-destructing road.
One is to embrace my imperfections, as we all have them, forgiving myself of the mistakes I make, both past and present. It is hard for Adult Survivors, were perfectionists in all that we do. Being perfect was ingrained within me at such an early age because if I acted as perfectly as I could in the home, then maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t get abused. So I tried to be as “Good” as I could, and nobody can be perfect, so I often failed, resulting in… all of us who were ever abused know the outcome of that!
Two, the negative ping pong match begins when I start to compare myself with another or their lives, wanting what they have, because I think their life is much easier or better than mine. I have always hated it when someone says “I have a life,” which to me, is insinuating that I don’t! I have learned the hard way that comparing my life or myself to another’s, is a fast-track to depression, and negative thinking. It is then that I am reminded of my dear old friend’s words of wisdom, “If you could choose from anyone else’s life or problems in the entire world what you perceive to be as the perfect life, you would still go back and choose your OWN!” Comparing ourselves is I think one of the chief catalysts for the “Negative Self- talk” battles we have within us. Especially for us Survivors, as we always feel where not good enough, can’t do anything right, everybody is always better. You know the thoughts you have, because I have them too!
Our biggest enemy in everyone’s life, in my opinion is the Negative Dialogue we have within ourselves! We think too much, creating problems that weren’t even there; stirring up emotions we were not feeling; which lead to being negative, depressed and angry to those around us often lashing out! How I pull myself out of all of these situations is training my thoughts, recognizing immediately when my self-talk is active and speaking loudly, and then quickly focusing on what is reality! Not the illusions being played out in my Head. A great analogy of this is when we were kids alone in our beds at night. We would hear sounds or see images, and soon the infamous “Boogie Man” and “Monsters” under the bed scenario would play out. We would get scared and see things that weren’t even there! The more we concentrated on it the more “Real” it became, and in all actually there was NOTHING ever to worry about! We do that as adults, only are Boogie Mans and Monsters are much more real and frightening.
Our mind creates many illusions and if we believe them, we are headed down a miserable path of negativity, and fear; spreading it to others and ultimately throughout the world. We need to learn to forgive ourselves for our shortcomings, not living in the past, or worried about the future, but just focusing on the NOW, the present. When we change our patterns of thinking and self-dialogue our situations, emotions and feelings will follow suit! I try to put circumstances, events, and people into perspective as they occur, dismissing the “what if’s” and the “Wish I’s.” It is then that I Shout to that committee, “Sit down and Shut Up!”
When we live in the past it creates regret and depression; when we live in the future it creates anxiety and fear. We need to live in the present and deal with the situations and events as they come. If you keep paying attention to the darkness you will never see the light! A content happy person is one who is caught up in the present, not thinking about the past or focusing on the future.
Vibrate positive thoughts about your life, yourself and others and together we can make a difference in this world!
“If you’re going to THINK then you might as well think positive. Remember positive thoughts and actions are seeds that will produce positive results.”
Monday, July 15, 2013
Your Heart is your Compass – Journey into Self-Reflection
I love this quote by Janelle Saar:
“Your Heart will always remember and be your Compass back to being you!”
It seems that most of my life has been spent “Unlearning” the unhealthy, ingrained behaviors, coping mechanisms, and thoughts from the past. I started at a young age, reflecting on my behaviors and trying to answer these internal questions, “Why do, I do the things I do,” and “Why do I have the thoughts that I have.” I knew very early that I didn’t behave or think “normally” as some would classify. I knew that I had a warped sense of self, reality, people and my place in this world. I have always felt insecure, non-valued, de-valued and unworthy of any happiness or Joy. I have never thought of myself as a victim from my past, but I am being “held” victim from things that keep recirculating and appearing in my life, even after recognizing them and conquering them, or so I thought. I am haunted with thoughts that I will always have to “fight” to behave and think normal. I fear that I will never “get this” or just become too tired to be hyper-vigilant with my self-reflection.
When I get in this stuck pattern of thinking I have to remind myself that Healing and Thriving in life doesn’t mean that the past will no rear its’ ugly head again. But that when it does, I am equipped and have the mental fortitude to recognize the behaviors, identify the trigger(s) and then dig down deep into my “Emotional Tool Box,” remembering the healthy, positive, spiritual tools I have, and then USING them on whatever the issue. Moving through those difficult times is what makes me a Thriver and promotes continued Healing from the past.
I am reminded of a situation that occurred over the weekend. A huge altercation with my Sisters - my FAMILY, that ended with a lot of hurt feelings and a myriad of emotions encircling all of us. It was an emptiness I have never known to feel alienated from the only people who ever truly care – your family and feel that I was the “Bad Guy” in the situation.
Due to some economic hardships, my sisters and I are all faced with having to live together, pulling our resources to survive. I haven’t lived this closely or intimately with my sisters or them with me, since we were young girls living in our abusive, traumatic household some 30 years ago! The everyday triggers and being pulled into old coping and relational patterns is a daunting uphill climb, happening daily with myself. I feel like that little girl that can never do anything right. I feel like I am being ganged up on and alienated from the only two sisters that I have! We have all dealt with the horrors from childhood in our own separate ways, and we are all at different levels. I was told that I never see what I do or what my actions are. I disagree with that whole heartedly, as I am constantly looking within myself to change “Those things I can,” and function in healthy ways. I am constantly striving to be a better form of “Self” than I was yesterday. I do look deep within. I am hard on myself and what I still see. I do apologize and admit when I am wrong. I am willing, wanting to do self-analyzing and self-searching!
We lost our only bother 9 years ago to a freak car accident. The trauma and grief that we all experienced is too deep for words, and still lives with us today, being even more pronounced with his birthday being next month. He would have been 38 this year. He was killed when he was only 28 years old. Never had a chance to live! An amazing person, snuffed out far too early. I was once told that, “When you pick an apple off a tree, which one do you choose? The ripest; reddest, perfect apple on the tree.” This helps me to process, why the Lord chose to take him home far too early in his life.
I am convicted that the Loss of my only, baby brother was something I barely survived. Now all I have left is my two sisters and we can’t even seem to get along. I have forgotten that in this life, “Suddenly” you can lose the ones you love without a moment’s notice. I have my sister’s right here within arm’s reach. We haven’t lived in the same state for over 13 years and this should be an easy transition, but it is not! We should be excited and loving towards each other, counting this as a wonderful time in our lives to be together after so many years apart. We should celebrate the relationships and gain strength and friendship from each other, not tarring and ripping each other apart!
It is time to conquer these Sibling Triggers once and for all and stop operating as a young teenager and start remembering and thinking as a tender sister; being forgiving, loving and encouraging toward each other. The process starts within me, not considering whether it will be reciprocated or not. It is my choice to not react with those triggers or actions they display, it is my responsibility to “Check Myself,” not being concerned with their progression of healing and relating. I have to be responsible for my own actions, and my reactions to each of them. It is my responsibility to change the “Steps” to this dysfunctional “Dance!”
I am thinking forward in this situation. I am holding the mirror up to my heart and trusting that my Heart will be the compass back to my true self!
“Your Heart will always remember and be your Compass back to being you!”
It seems that most of my life has been spent “Unlearning” the unhealthy, ingrained behaviors, coping mechanisms, and thoughts from the past. I started at a young age, reflecting on my behaviors and trying to answer these internal questions, “Why do, I do the things I do,” and “Why do I have the thoughts that I have.” I knew very early that I didn’t behave or think “normally” as some would classify. I knew that I had a warped sense of self, reality, people and my place in this world. I have always felt insecure, non-valued, de-valued and unworthy of any happiness or Joy. I have never thought of myself as a victim from my past, but I am being “held” victim from things that keep recirculating and appearing in my life, even after recognizing them and conquering them, or so I thought. I am haunted with thoughts that I will always have to “fight” to behave and think normal. I fear that I will never “get this” or just become too tired to be hyper-vigilant with my self-reflection.
When I get in this stuck pattern of thinking I have to remind myself that Healing and Thriving in life doesn’t mean that the past will no rear its’ ugly head again. But that when it does, I am equipped and have the mental fortitude to recognize the behaviors, identify the trigger(s) and then dig down deep into my “Emotional Tool Box,” remembering the healthy, positive, spiritual tools I have, and then USING them on whatever the issue. Moving through those difficult times is what makes me a Thriver and promotes continued Healing from the past.
I am reminded of a situation that occurred over the weekend. A huge altercation with my Sisters - my FAMILY, that ended with a lot of hurt feelings and a myriad of emotions encircling all of us. It was an emptiness I have never known to feel alienated from the only people who ever truly care – your family and feel that I was the “Bad Guy” in the situation.
Due to some economic hardships, my sisters and I are all faced with having to live together, pulling our resources to survive. I haven’t lived this closely or intimately with my sisters or them with me, since we were young girls living in our abusive, traumatic household some 30 years ago! The everyday triggers and being pulled into old coping and relational patterns is a daunting uphill climb, happening daily with myself. I feel like that little girl that can never do anything right. I feel like I am being ganged up on and alienated from the only two sisters that I have! We have all dealt with the horrors from childhood in our own separate ways, and we are all at different levels. I was told that I never see what I do or what my actions are. I disagree with that whole heartedly, as I am constantly looking within myself to change “Those things I can,” and function in healthy ways. I am constantly striving to be a better form of “Self” than I was yesterday. I do look deep within. I am hard on myself and what I still see. I do apologize and admit when I am wrong. I am willing, wanting to do self-analyzing and self-searching!
We lost our only bother 9 years ago to a freak car accident. The trauma and grief that we all experienced is too deep for words, and still lives with us today, being even more pronounced with his birthday being next month. He would have been 38 this year. He was killed when he was only 28 years old. Never had a chance to live! An amazing person, snuffed out far too early. I was once told that, “When you pick an apple off a tree, which one do you choose? The ripest; reddest, perfect apple on the tree.” This helps me to process, why the Lord chose to take him home far too early in his life.
I am convicted that the Loss of my only, baby brother was something I barely survived. Now all I have left is my two sisters and we can’t even seem to get along. I have forgotten that in this life, “Suddenly” you can lose the ones you love without a moment’s notice. I have my sister’s right here within arm’s reach. We haven’t lived in the same state for over 13 years and this should be an easy transition, but it is not! We should be excited and loving towards each other, counting this as a wonderful time in our lives to be together after so many years apart. We should celebrate the relationships and gain strength and friendship from each other, not tarring and ripping each other apart!
It is time to conquer these Sibling Triggers once and for all and stop operating as a young teenager and start remembering and thinking as a tender sister; being forgiving, loving and encouraging toward each other. The process starts within me, not considering whether it will be reciprocated or not. It is my choice to not react with those triggers or actions they display, it is my responsibility to “Check Myself,” not being concerned with their progression of healing and relating. I have to be responsible for my own actions, and my reactions to each of them. It is my responsibility to change the “Steps” to this dysfunctional “Dance!”
I am thinking forward in this situation. I am holding the mirror up to my heart and trusting that my Heart will be the compass back to my true self!
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Love thy Neighbor AND Yourself
Love is something everyone wants, needs and longs for. It is mankind’s greatest need and ultimate quest in Life! Without it, there is really no reason to live, strive and wake up every day. Whether the love we crave is from parents, family, a spouse, romantic partner, children or friends, we all have this deep yearning and desire for affection, appreciation, value and acceptance from those that we love and care for. Without it, we would die. If we had no love in our lives or if we could not love others, our whole existence would be pointless and meaningless.
For the adult survivor of childhood trauma and abuse, our desire and need for love is amplified by infinity times infinity! Most of us who grew up in abusive family environments being afraid, abandoned, hurt, violated and abused felt very little if any love or care as a child. As a result, we are severely handicapped and crave Love in our adult lives. We seem to have a deeper void than those having a “normal” childhood. We did not receive nurturing, care, tenderness, compassion, acceptance, encouragement or joy. These are vital human needs that especially children in their formative years absolutely must have in order to live healthy, functioning lives. As adult survivors we have no clue how to truly live healthy, functional lives and certainly no idea how to love. Our thoughts on love were so badly distorted and corrupted as children, our whole way of thinking and every behavior moving forward is one laced with many selfish thoughts and ideas. We struggle daily and desperately to fit in; trust; and open ourselves up to others for fear of being hurt or rejected. Love seems out of reach and undeserved for us! “Who would want to love us?” We have so many thoughts and feelings of self-doubt, low self-esteem and feel we are unworthy of Love. “Who would stick long enough to get to know us and love us? And if they did, once they figure us out, all the fears and insecurities, they will eventually abandon and leave us!”
For myself, I say I “Love” others, but is it true, unselfish love? My love is distorted and selfish! Many days I barely love myself let alone another. If we listen to the age old quoted Bible Verse from Matthew 22:37 when asked of Jesus which is the greatest commandment, “Jesus Replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your Mind’ and the second greatest commandment ‘Love your Neighbor as Yourself.’” Those are tough words, because most Adult Survivors don’t love themselves, in fact they loathe much about themselves. “So are we to assume that now, because we don’t love ourselves the way we should that we cannot love others?” I have wrestled with this for years trying desperately to love myself and I have concluded two things.
The first is from a quote that speaks to me so personally and which is something that hits very close to home because of my attachment issues. I have struggled with this for many years, identifying it in my upcoming book, “Shards of Glass.” Where I notice very early as a child that I “Idolize” or “Attach” myself to others, calling them friends or loved ones. Those people in my life offer me something that is severely lacking, love; acceptance; self-worth; appreciation and value. Because of that, I latch on to them because they fill a selfish void, that deep void within all of us of wanting others to “Love” and care for us, but for the Survivor, a deep dark hole filled with very little but the fear of abandonment and rejection. I think and say that I love and care about them, but my actions are selfish, and my boundaries are compromised with those I am attached to. They are those I don’t want to lose, those I feel impact my life profoundly, and those that fill a void from childhood. Those actions are unhealthy and lead me down a path of destroying that friendship/relationship because of fear and dependency. It is not love! That person then feels overwhelmed and smothered because they make me feel better about myself, make me feel needed, wanted and loved that all I do is want more and more of it. It is like a drug, a quick fix, when I am feeling down or discouraged. People are my drug and it is Selfish! As a result of these actions, most people have left and abandoned me in the past!
“Try not to confuse ‘Attachment’ with “Love”. Attachment is about fear and dependency, and has more to do with love of self than love of another. Love without attachment is the purest love because it isn’t about what others can give you because you’re empty. It is about what you can give others because you are already full.” – Yasmin Mogahed
The second thing I have learned and come to understand is what True, Godly, Healthy Love really is. We ultimately all love ourselves even when we don’t think we do. I have always loved myself or I would have ended it a long time ago! The trick is to love ourselves in Healthy ways that trickle into the lives of others. One of the greatest chapters in the Bible for me is, 1 Corinthians 13 1-13. This love is a giving, selfless, expect-nothing-in-return kind of Love. Rather than quote the entire text, I will share the just of it through my thoughts on what that chapter means to me.
This is my take on the “Love Chapter” in the bible. My previous blog was filled with this underlying theme, that we are a “Throw Difficult People Away Society.” If more people would embrace 1 Corinthians 13 maybe our society wouldn’t encourage us to get rid of people in our lives who are difficult or hard to get along with. True love puts up with people who would be much easier to dismiss and give up on.
Love does not Envy. If our love is directed toward others, we will rejoice in the blessings they receive rather than desiring those for ourselves. Selfless love that God calls us to have does not involve pride or glory. It does not parade itself around and is not puffed up. True love does not seek its own. If we truly love others, we will set aside our own plans, agendas, and entitlements for the well-being of others, and especially those we say we love. Love is not provoked. Love is not easily angered or over-sensitive. When we truly learn to love others, we are careful not to be touchy concerning others words or actions towards us. Love does not rejoice in iniquity, but in Truth. Godly love has nothing to do with evil, but has everything to do with what is right and true. It believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love is not blind or naïve, but it does see. It recognizes the problems and failures in people, but it does not lose faith in the possibilities of what people can become. Love never gives up, knowing that God can change anyone, and any life for the better.
Finally, love endures all things. It accepts any hardship or rejection and continues unaltered to build up and encourage another.
Love is determining what is best for another person and then doing it!
Without Love; my efforts and ambitions, what I stand for, what I believe in, what I say, and all my relationships with others means- NOTHING! Faith, Hope and Love abide in this world and will for eternity, but the Greatest of these is LOVE!
Thursday, June 20, 2013
We Live in a "Throw Difficult People Away Society"
As I sit here thinking about all that has transpired in my life over the last 7 months I am amazed at the trials and tribulations I have Suffered and Endured.
I have been 7 months unemployed; wrote a Personal Memoir on Childhood Abuse; been in a very serious car accident, where I totaled my car injuring myself badly and still recuperating, was almost Sued over that accident; Unemployment was fought by my previous employer; had to purchase another car with no money in the bank having to rely on my Mom’s resources; submitted over 300 applications with no job prospects in sight and very few interviews; lost friends in my life due to my erratic behaviors; now, currently running out of unemployment; and having to move out of my apt. by the end of the month, because I can’t pay the rent.
Compound to that, the “Triggers” and “Flashbacks” from writing my book, the panic attacks, anxiety, fear, abandonment, loneliness, confusion, nightmares and the reliving of my Rape account that I had suppressed for almost 28 yrs. – YES! I guess you could say that I am a mess!
However, I am a FIGHTER! I do look within myself and try to change the negative effects from my past daily! I do pray every day, and often; for Wisdom, Understanding, Healing and Change. I have acted irrationally lately; I have overstepped the boundaries of others; I have been angry and lashed out over the circumstances in my life; I have withdrawn; I do feel depressed and down; I am uncertain about my livelihood and YET I am still STANDING!
My point to all of this is “Such is Life”, “Life on Life’s Terms” Right? It throws many curve balls and is not always easy to adapt to. These turbulent storms seem like the way of life to an Adult Survivor of Abuse. Just dealing with the ever day issues of life is enough but then add to that the long reaching effects of that abuse into our Adult lives; the daily internal pain, doubt, fear, rejection and thoughts that we have….Adult Survivors are often seem like a “Hot Mess” to others. Our family, friends, partners, co-workers they all have their hidden opinions of us. That we are weird, Crazy, abnormal, unpredictable, unstable, moody, negative, and even insane at times. Those people back away and most Throw Us Away, because being in OUR lives and US in theirs, takes “WORK!”
We are DAMAGED individuals living in a Society of “I don’t have time,” “I want easy, positive people in my life,” “You’re too difficult” “You’re too needy;” - “Basically were Throw-Away people, because we require so much work! We are not bad people though, and usually make for the most loyal, loving, understanding, committed friends, lovers, co-workers a person could ever have…that is if they can put up with our baggage long enough for us to change, and trust them!
Here is what I want Secondary Survivors to know and understand – There is a reason why we are like this! We are by-products from our abusive pasts and all we strive on a daily basis is to feel and be; “Normal,” loved, understood, valued, and accepted.
Secondary Survivors can be the following; our spouse, partner, boyfriend/girlfriend, family, children and friends.
I know it is not their responsibility to change us, but it is their responsibility to understand us! Especially if they love and care and want us in their lives! We are not perfect people, nobody is! It is OUR responsibility to get help, learn our behaviors, to change the negative and to strive to move out of our pasts, into our present, moving towards our FUTURE!
The cause’s for our extreme behavior, thoughts and actions stems from any one of the following forms of abuse we endured as children; the physical abuse we received or witnessed; the violation of our boundaries; the abandonment and lack of nurturing we experienced; the damage to our self-esteem and worth; the abandonment and isolation; alcohol abuse from a parent; mental and psychological torment just to name the biggies!
There are many publications and information out there to help educate the masses on how and why we feel and do what we do. I am also the Adult Child of an Alcoholic and that brings another slew of issues into my life. In fact there are 14 traits that accompany that form of trauma as well.
Here they are: (I am many of them!) Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
3. We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism.
4. We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another
compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick
abandonment needs.
5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that
weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us
to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to
look too closely at our own faults, etc.
7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in
to others.
8. We became addicted to excitement.
9. We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity"
and "rescue."
10. We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost
the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much
(Denial).
11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will
do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience
painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick
people who were never there emotionally for us.
13. Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on
the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the
drink.
14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
I wish others were more patient, understanding, loving, caring, and compassionate when it comes to dealing with ANY Adult Survivor of physical abuse, alcoholism, molestation, sexual violation, rape, mental anguish, abandonment, rejection. They don’t understand that one negative comment that validates the past is enough to send our lives into a chaotic downward spiral. They don’t see how there pulling away or removal of a Relationship/Friendship is the ultimate betrayal and releases intense feelings of rejection and unworthiness into our lives. They don’t understand that a harsh word can completely ruin our days. BUT I wish they did!
I love so many people that don’t seem to love me back. I know that I have much growing and changing still left to be completely “Whole”. My fervent pray is that the people I love will see my value, my worth and have patience and understanding as I heal! I love you my friends...you know who you are!
Please don’t “Throw Me AWAY!!”
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Learning in Loneliness
I am a social butterfly. I love people for the most part. They are a drug to me I enjoy the interactions and I especially enjoy my close friends and family. I am not built to be alone, yet here I am alone again. I have been alone my whole life, never marrying and I have no kids. I have do not have many romantic relationships and the ones I do never last for very long. As soon as the relationship becomes more intimate than “just friends”, I run the other way, usually finding an excuse as to why it won’t work out. I self-sabotage the relationship before it even gets off the ground.
I realized that these actions are learned behaviors from my childhood trauma. I don’t trust many people and even the close friends that I do; I still have my guard up; always waiting and looking for any indication as to why I shouldn’t trust them. This creates problems, because any little hint of frustration from them or negative comment, I deeply internalize in a big way. This creates depression and insecurity for me and I automatically think they don’t like me and very soon the friendship will crumble. That is when I become unsure, needy and tend to act irrationally because of the fear of losing a very meaningful relationship/friendship in my life.
I have lived most of my life in a tremendous amount of loneliness. I wonder if I will ever be truly loved and if I will ever marry and feel valued. Being Lonely isn’t the same thing as being alone. I believe being lonely is inner emptiness caused by our pre-disposed image that we are not worthy of anything good, including loving friends, committed relationships and even God. Abuse survivors feel isolated in their emotions being closed people only letting a select few in. Those select few become our nucleus and we rely on them heavily which is not fair to them. Trust issues lead to our loneliness. If we trusted more we would have more people in our lives.
I was often lonely and depressed as a child and I have taken this into my adult life. As a result, I don’t have the ability to form social relationships in a healthy manner. I do get along with people but if they hurt me even once whether intentionally or unintentionally it is hard for me to trust them again, especially if they do not mean that much. I have a hard time speaking up for myself for fear that if I do that person will leave me. Therefore I sacrifice myself, my feelings, my emotions, and my dignity out of fear.
I have chosen a lot of the time to cut myself off from people because I am tired of being hurt by them. I have never been one to have a large number of friends. I can’t handle them. I feel socially isolated much of the times and my interpersonal skills sometimes suffer.
It has been noted that Childhood abuse creates two distinct interpersonal styles of relating: Both are dysfunctional and stem from the abuse. Adult survivors may adopt one of two interpersonal styles: avoidant or intrusive.
The avoidant style is characterized by low interdependency, low self-disclosure and low warmth. People with the avoidant style have few interpersonal ties and few friends. They are less likely to be involved in relationships with others and less likely to be married.
The intrusive style is at the opposite end of the spectrum. This is me for the most part. These People with the intrusive style have extreme needs for closeness. There is excessive self-disclosure, and relationships are smothering. This style is overly demanding and controlling of others. Both the avoidant and intrusive styles are dysfunctional and are likely to result in loneliness.
I recognized this monster early in my life. It is a chapter in my upcoming book “Shards Of Glass” called Monster’s in my Closet. I knew I had a dysfunctional way of relating to people when I was in middle school. I knew I had an addictive personality clinging on to those that met an unresolved emotional need within me. I knew my shortcomings then and the tendency for this behavior to resurface now, whenever I feel threatened or unappreciated feeling the friendship/relationship slipping away.
I wish I could just be “Normal” and relate in healthy manners with the people I love and care about. Every day is a constant battle to relate to people in societal healthy parameters. I don’t usually expect the friends I have to stick in my life and stay for long periods of time. I usually expect them to leave in tragic, gut wrenching ways leaving gaping holes in my life and in my heart!
My daily prayer is that I will continue to learn and recognize the new healthy ways to relate to people and the proper place to put those meaningful people in my life without relating to them unhealthily. I pray for healing and for discernment whenever I start to revert back into old patterns of relating. I pray for the courage and knowledge to step out of the negative patterns.
I don’t want to be lonely forever! I don’t want to be lonely one more day! I don’t want to suffer in loneliness and worthlessness for one minute longer! I refuse to let any past negative behaviors rule my present and my future! I am choosing to live in Victory and to live Positively with others from here on out! This is my Declaration to myself and the ones I love. I ask for forgiveness, understanding and patience as I move from ingrained relating patterns out into new uncharted waters! Stepping out in Faith that I can do this! I pray those friends who I have hurt and mistreated haven’t left me! But if they have, I trust that from here on out, my friendships will be healthy and meaningful.
I pray that I will never be lonely again!
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