Addictions and Childhood Abuse: Codependency and Friendship: How it almost took my life! (Part IV)

"Facing the truth is hard. It is painful as hell! The truth will set you free,

But you have to endure the pain of birthing it." - Iyanla Vanzant

Have you ever met someone who was both one of the Greatest and Worst persons you have ever met? Have you ever had a friendship or relationship that was so inspiring and life breathing but in that same vein sucked the life out of you and almost destroyed you? 

I apologize for the length of this blog but I want to share the progression of the sickness of “Co-Dependency” in its entirety addressing suicide. I don’t believe in cliff hangers!

You have heard me refer to Penelope as a divine appointment and an old soul. This friend has been one of the Best people I have ever met but also one of the most damaging! Surprisingly though, I have learned so much from her perspective on life and with myself. Through her friendship I have accomplished great things and have hit head on the horrors from my past. Tackling major issues and experiencing healing. I have allowed Penelope to speak to me so candidly in ways I do not tolerate much from any other person. She held a mirror up to my face and helped breathe new life into my spirit. Her youth and playful spirit were very much welcomed in my life. She helped me to see things with childlike - positive eyes instead of the cynical - negative, worn down from life eyes that I have been looking through most of my adult life. 

Meeting Penelope was a “Divine Appointment.” This is a meeting with another person that has been specifically and unmistakably ordered by God. Divine appointments are similar in nature to God incidences, God winks, and checks in your spirit. These Christianese terms all refer to ways that Christians feel like God is trying to steer us into a specific encounter or experience so that we can serve God or maybe play a part in their lives and those of another. An “Old Soul” is usually understood as having a wisdom and insight beyond your physical age, or the coined phrase, “Wise beyond their years.” I have been referred to as an old soul and so was my brother. I count it as an honor and I do not throw the term around lightly.

I know for a fact that it truly was a Divine Appointment. Through my friendship with Penelope it has changed my life in so many ways both for the good and bad. It has not always been easy and In fact, most of the time that I have known Penelope it has been a rocky road where we have not been in communication or interacted much. It has been an incredibly difficult and painful relationship to maintain and one in which that pain almost took my life. We have connected back as friends on 2 other occasions and in that time it was awesome and inspiring but then it would quickly dissolve again. Our friendship has always been full of dysfunctional relating. I truly believe that she wants a friendship but that she just does not respond well to my unpredictable, erratic behavior and the lack of Boundaries I display. This behavior stems from my battle with “Co-Dependency!” Co-Dependency is all about Unhealthy Boundaries!

 I am not Co-Dependent on every female friendship I form. There are contributing factors that I have learned that draw me subconsciously to them. For Penelope it is complicated. She has so many traits that remind me of what I either did or did not receive as a child. She is a hurt and damaged person as well and two damaged people coming together create one big ball of “Dysfunctional Relating.”

Penelope resembles my mom, beautiful with long dark hair. She is compassionate, loving, tender, funny, intelligent and witty, (remember I don’t do well with “Shallow People”). She possesses all the attributes I desire and need in my life and look for from others. On the Flip side - she is also very blunt, ridged in thinking and does not apologize often always believing she is right. Her words can take the skin off of you; she has no filter between what she thinks and what comes spewing out of her mouth. When the going gets tough, Penelope bails and pulls her friendship away leaving me feeling: Rejected, Abandoned, Unloved and Unappreciated – feeling “THROWN OUT!” These negative traits coincide with how my father has treated me. So the intricacies and inner dynamics with her have been more intertwined with my past that with anyone other friend I have ever met. I love the attributes she displays that my mother was unable to meet and I hate the negative attributes that remind me of my father – where I find myself striving relentlessly to win her approval and admiration. 

It takes two people to dance in a dysfunctional relationship, one always leads and the other always follows. Two wonderful books on this subject: “Codependence – The Dance of Wounded Souls” by Robert Burney and also “The Dance of Intimacy” by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D. I encourage you to read. 

Unless the pattern is broken and new steps learned the same dance will play out over and over again. I am reminded of the Definition of Insanity:

“Doing the same thing over and over again

 and expecting different results.”

The Continuation of my Story of Co-Dependency:

I will now share with you events that propelled me into one of the darkest abysses I have found myself in since my brother’s death. Remember when I shared that the first time our friendship dissolved I moved away and started a new life? I will now pick up there with my story of Co-Dependency.

After three years of no communication with Penelope we had both been through major life events. She had suffered the dissolving of her marriage coupled with the burdens and stresses of raising her children alone, and I was left again unemployed living in an area I did not enjoy – Punta Gorda, FL – where the average age of folks there is 80 years old! I felt stuck and tremendously alone, questioning everything in my life. My faith was strong but was being tested ferociously to the point I felt trapped and worthless not having much hope. 

I remember sitting at my computer and I just felt led to call Penelope, the one friend who I trusted despite our differences and who I knew still cared about my life. It was an act of desperation and as I dialed the number I was shaking. We talked for a while and after that, we started slowly to have interactions with each other; I believe we both were very apprehensive about reconnecting. This was in November of 2012. We bounced right back into talking and laughing like nothing was wrong and the more we interacted the more we both started feeling comfortable and learning to trust each other again. 

At Christmas time I decided to surprise her family with a much needed gift and made the 2 hour drive to her house. I remember as I pulled into the driveway I was very anxious and started to pray. As I approached her door and knocked I knew at that point there was no turning back. Either we would connect or the friendship would be permanently severed. When she answered she was of course, surprised but then she welcomed me. We sat outside and talked and talked. We laughed, cried, and drank a glass of wine. She wanted to know more about my childhood, so I told her story after story of the horrific pain and anguish I went through. I shared with her everything I could remember at the time.  

She had changed and so had I! We had the most profound conversation we had ever had that night. In that conversation as I shared the compassion, understanding, love and acceptance shined through once again as in times before when we first met. Then she asked this pivotal question: 

“Were you ever raped?”

After I answered her and we talked I saw how she was visibly and deeply moved. She then said the MOST amazing and profound thing I have ever heard and that is why I have so much love and admiration for her even still! The conversation that changed the course of my life thus far:

Penelope: “You need to write a book.” Myself: “My story is like so many others; it’s not that different, who would read it? Her reply was, “I would and so would many others.” She then said something that changed my whole perspective. Penelope: “I have never known anyone with a story like yours. I have never had anyone share what you have shared with me. You read about similar struggles or see movies about them, but seldom do you personally know someone or are friends with someone with this kind of horrifying story.” 

That night, she was not the first person who ever suggested to me

 that I should write a book, but she would be the last!

On January 28, 2013 I set out to do just that. It took me only 3 weeks to write my story from start to finish! I ended my story when I was 19 years old and escaping my childhood with the intent on a sequel. (This is in the works).

Thus the emergence of my Memoir “Shards of Glass” was born! 

I had birthed my pain! 

In that time of writing my Memoir and facing my deepest pain Penelope was by my side offering support, suggestions and encouragement. Unbeknownst to me though, I was becoming Co-Dependent on that relationship. We maintained a friendship better than we had ever experienced staying connected and in each others lives for over a year. That broke the all-time record of friendship for us! In that time I had gained so much trust in her, but secretly I had also developed a very unhealthy dependency on her that neither her nor I knew. 

11 months after releasing my book I moved back to the area where she lived. We maintained that closeness for 2 months. Then in January of 2014 it all came crashing down. I had become so dependent on her every word. I succumbed to performance based friendship again! I gave to her all the time; tried to help her with every problem or situation; I would constantly want to spend time with her and her family; I would go out of my way for her and not others, neglecting other friends; I crossed boundaries. I had put my life on hold and started living through hers. I had become very sick, yet still did not know it. Out of desperation for closeness I would find myself driving by her house repeatedly after we disconnected (something in which I have done with friends since 16 and able to drive). I knew it was “Sick Behavior” but my need for closeness and control had spiraled down the road of Rejection, Abandonment, Depression and sheer Hopelessness. She had become overwhelmed, confused, scared, angry and disgusted with my patterns of behavior. 

Co-Dependency is about control and that control is “Fear-Based!” It is the tremendous fear of abandonment and rejection. It is desperation and appears as obsession in its purest form, trying relentlessly to hold on and control something which makes you feel better, which gives life but that you cannot have! It is completely selfish and does not consider the other person whatsoever. At that point it is all about you and how YOU can get your needs met. I was desperate when I felt no hope in ever restoring the friendship. I was devastated because the “Life Line” I had relied on, was now disintegrating and I felt no hope in my life. Everything else meant nothing! My purpose and meaning of existence was gone! 

Out of that desperation and hopelessness one night after seeing her out and us having a brief conversation that ended ugly and left absolutely no hope afterwards of a friendship. I sunk to one of my lowest levels in life. I was instantly distraught and depression took a hold of me so relentlessly that I was suicidal and proceeded to end my life that night. It was not the person which led me down the road. It was not Penelope in and of herself but the feelings she evoked; the love, compassion, self-esteem and acceptance that I grieved the loss of. Suicide is the ULTIMATE act of desperation! That is sickness to its most devastating degree! In being Suicidal and actually attempting it you have to be out of your mind! We are not built to hurt ourselves. It is engrained in us in birth to fight and survive. You are having a nervous breakdown and seeing no hope. After dealing with tremendous difficulties for the past 4 years; struggling to survive and barely making it financially; the emotional and physical pain of loss; the void of loneliness and meaning in life, it was the only thing I was thinking of: TO END THE PAIN! I had no hope of my life ever being fulfilling again. 

As I was driving home I text two close friends, sharing with them the events of the night with Penelope and my disgust and failure. I told them that I loved them but could just not take the pain of LIFE any longer. I went home after buying 3 Four Locos and drank them all one after another while proceeding to take over 20 pain pills. I was delusional, hysterical, devastated, void and in utter despair. I did not care! I just wanted out!! The last person I texted was Penelope and I said: 

“Please give me a reason to live. Everybody I care about dies, or abandons me. Everybody I care about rejects me because they don’t understand. Please give me a reason…”

That text was sent at 2:36 am.

In the morning those two close friends received my text and were tremendously frightened and feared that I was gone. They tried texting and calling over and over. Stephen was out of town and frantic, they were in communications with each other and then Penelope. Penelope even tried calling twice, the very person who could have pulled me out and still I did not answer. I did not want to come back not even for the very friend who had meant so much to me – there was just TOO MUCH PAIN. Something inside of me urged me to respond to her call. I somehow managed in a state of delirium to send Penelope a text. After repeated attempts by Penelope, she texted me and this was our conversation:

Penelope: “CW there are so many reasons in life! You just need to open your eyes and see them!” Myself: “And you were one of those reasons.” Penelope:  “CW you are OK. Things will be OK, I promise.” Myself: “You hate me and think I’m worthless…Things are NOT OK!!!!” Penelope: “You are NOT worthless!!! No one is worthless CW. Let me tell you something: nothing or no one is worth taking your life! You are a good woman with a good heart. Yes you have issues but we all do. No one is perfect. Don’t be defeated by life CW. Grab life by the horns and make it your bitch! Remember what I’ve always told you: you’re a strong bitch!”

Before that text my dear friend Stephen had called her and they talked for over an hour while he explained to her a conversation he and I had weeks prior regarding “Co-Dependency” and how miraculously I had a revelation that I suffer from this after much soul searching. He had told her that that is what I am inflicted with and the VERY reason the friendship is where it is. He also urged her to keep texting me until he could call after his game was over. 

He later called me after the game and told me of the conversation he had with Penelope and that she had agreed for us three to meet and sit and talk in an intervention effort or else they were going to “Baker Act” me.   

That day August 31^st, 2014 Stephen and Penelope saved my life! And for that I will be FOREVER GRATEFUL!

I will share more on the intervention and steps toward healing my “Co-Dependency” in Part V. Please continue on with me as the story has a remarkable ending. 

Have a Happy and Blessed Thanksgiving as I leave you with this amazing quote:

I don’t want to get to the end of my life 

and find that I lived just the length of it.

I want to have lived the width of it as well. 

– Diane Ackerman; Author and Poet

Abuse Author: “Shards of Glass” https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore

Addictions and Childhood Abuse: Codependency and Friendships (Part III)

“Were only as sick as our Secrets...”

When I moved to Florida from Ohio it was scary and a major culture shock! It had only been 6 months since my brother’s death and I was dead inside. I am not normally a jittery or afraid person but I was then. Traffic, the night, loud noises, almost everything kept me on guard. I was panicky and in foreign territory. I found a part time job quickly to stay on my feet and then my life slowly started to begin again. In that time, I met a family and they adopted me into theirs and the pain of loneliness subsided some. I gained a surrogate mother in this family but one that I did not become co-dependent on, entirely. It was different and I was still in a complete daze from the loss of my brother. She is 20 years older than me, a caretaker and very loving and giving.  We did have our difficulties soon after forming our friendship and it was due to that “Monster” that was still inside of me even after moving 1500 miles… - IT FOLLOWED ME once again! My friend and I DID and have managed to keep our friendship strong despite a bumpy road the first few years.

That is how all my “Co-Dependent” friendships started out as an adult.  At first they were great and I was myself, fun, uninhibited, full of confidence, filled with a sense of humor, and had no expectations. I was separate in the beginning.  It was the warm and fuzzy feeling of a new person in my life. The friendship would be “Normal” and then all the sudden that person would do or say something, or I would do something and the friendship would respond in a way that would set in motion my Co-Dependent patterns and tendencies. Soon after, I would display actions and behaviors that at the time I couldn’t explain nor control.  

Something would change in the dynamics of the friendship and I did not know what it was. Secretly, inside I would always think: “Am I gay or something?” I would always question: “Why do I get so attached to women and not men?” “What the Hell is wrong with me?” Deep down though, I knew I was not a “Lesbian!” I never felt in love with them, but I did Love them. The women friendships in my life would meet a “Need” and “Void” of love, acceptance, compassion and tenderness that I never received as a child! (It has only been in the last 6 months that I have come to realize my disease). It was an “EMOTIONAL” connection that was formed! It was NEVER a physical one! It would appear on the outside to be one of unselfishness, giving, self-sacrifice, loyalty and love but all along it would be one of selfishness and control destroying me on the inside and disabling the friendship, shaking its very foundation. 

That person would then become distant; Arguments, Control, Selfishness and Manipulation would set in; and eventually the friendship would dissolve, (Especially in my youth). As an adult, all of my most meaningful friendships rebounded and I leveled out in relating to them. This was only because I would secretly, unbeknownst to me, be searching for my next “Fix” so to speak, and the pressure would soon be off the current friend and on to another. The real reason would never be addressed and the sickness would continue. Co-dependency is an ADDICTION!

Addictions are caused by pain! It is ALWAYS about pain!

I ran from my pain my entire life! I am a wounded soul and as a wounded soul I was looking for relief from that pain and unconsciously sought out distractions or a means to cope, usually resulting in some form of addiction. There are many things to become addicted to; Work, Drugs, Alcohol, Tobacco, Food, Sex, Spending, Shopping, Appearance, Internet, Video Games, Gambling and Relationships. Just to name a few. We live in a society that one way or the other is always about quick relief, satisfaction, selfishness and distraction. 

Keith Richards – Guitarist for the Rolling Stones said this when speaking about his heroin and cocaine addiction:“All the contortions we go through just not to be ourselves for a few hours.”

I did not know it at the time but I would soon find out that:

“I have been trying NOT to be myself,running from my past, 

not just for a few hours but for my entire life!”

You can’t escape something that is buried deep down inside and especially if you don’t even know it exist! Most Co-Dependents cannot identify their feelings. We keep them tucked down in an impenetrable vault. Recovery is part of feeling and accepting those feelings.  Life events and relationships affect Co-Dependents deeply. I was about to meet a friend who would affect me very deeply on many different levels and one whom I would become the most Co-Dependent on in my life! I was about to be addicted to this friendship in more ways than I could have ever imagine and dare admit. The next few years after moving to Florida would truly be far worse pain than even losing my brother; Unmanageable pain than even that inflicted in my childhood. This pain would be so deep, so controlling, so debilitating that it would send me spiraling down an abyss in which I almost did not emerge!

So the story continues:

About two years after moving to Florida I met my dear friend, I shall call her “Penelope.” When I first met her I did not enjoy her much at all! I thought she was shallow, snippy, cocky and very immature. I felt we had nothing in common and she was just too young for me to even begin to relate to, she was 14 years my junior and I was 36! I felt there was nothing that I could possibly learn from her. I tolerated her because of work and went on about my business for a few months. 

Not soon afterwards Penelope had a death in her family. It was her grandfather and when I heard the news, for some reason my heart just had so much compassion and ached for what she must be feeling. I empathized and sympathized, I knew that pain, especially after just losing my brother a year before. Something compelled me to text her and then call her. I believe it was a “Divine Appointment.” Before that, I had, had no intentions or desire for friendship other than a working one. I did not pick her! We had a short but heart-felt conversation and I told her I was there for her and that I knew her pain. After I hung up, I remembered thinking that I had so much compassion for her and I was compelled to help her through this loss. Days after that, I found myself thinking about her and praying for her. 

When she returned to work I decided that I would reach out to her and I bought a little plague with something inspirational on it and a cup of McDonald’s Mocha Iced Coffee and set it on her desk at work. After that we would talk on the phone and hang out quite often. She was filling a hole of loneliness and friendship that I was so desperately trying to fill. Our friendship was fun and exciting. We would have long talks about deep subjects, sharing about our lives, fears, hopes and dreams. She had an excellent sense of humor and is a real deep thinker. I was so wrong on my earlier assessment of her being shallow, she was actually an “Old Soul” and I told her that on several occasions. 

Her birthday was in a few weeks and in previous conversations I had remembered that she really wanted to go to the “Rascal Flatts” concert.  I thought, “That’s it. That would be the perfect gift for her.” I felt that this could really lift her spirits. So I bought the tickets and a card and went over to her office to surprise her. (I should point out: I always gave me friend’s gifts. There is nothing wrong with that but this is where our friendship started to take a turn towards my “Monster – Co-Dependency,” however it would not be until 5 years later that I would understand and recognize this). 

When I handed her the card and she opened it, tears came to her eyes and she said: “I have never had a friend or anyone do anything like this ever for me. Can I give you a hug?”  This was an unexpected reaction and one that warmed my heart to the very core. I had done something for someone and they “APPRECIATED” it and then showed me love and compassion by giving me a hug! Something I hardly ever have received throughout life and even now. That was it! After that instance I wanted that feeling more and more. It was not a sexual feeling but an emotional feeling of love, closeness and acceptance. I would then look for any opportunity to buy or do things for her, whether it would be gifts, lunch, or give her money. I wanted that to be the same reaction to feed that gaping hole of fear, abandonment and rejection with an overwhelming feeling of warmth, compassion and security like that first time.  Looking back in retrospect – that act of giving and her reaction towards that subconsciously took a hold of me and ingrained in me that this friendship was “Performance Based” and would stay in-tact as long as I did things. It made her happy and she responded graciously. I wasn’t trying to buy her friendship, but deep down I knew she couldn’t possibly care and accept me for just being me. That dreaded low self-esteem embedded from my youth.  

Soon though, my attempts to do and be more included in her life and more accepted started to take an unhealthy turn and before long Penelope and I were in that same old pattern I have found myself in too numerous times to count with friends. She started distancing and not wanting me around as much. The more she pushed away the more desperately I would try to cling on. The more she distanced the more I pursued.  On the outside, without any knowledge of Co-Dependency or my intense childhood abuse, it looked to her and others that I wanted to be romantically involved with her. It was perceived by others that I was a lesbian and was after Penelope. Her husband became involved shortly thereafter because I started to scare her and he texted me to stay away from her and not to contact her anymore. 

I WAS CRUSHED! Totally devastated and felt this indescribable pain of rejection, abandonment, fear and worthlessness. The friendship that had breathed life back into me after my brother’s death was now gone! I was paralyzed with grief once again!

The next few months were filled with some of my darkest days. I started drinking a lot to mask the pain; my performance at work went drastically downhill; my interactions with Penelope at work were incredibly stressful and hurtful; I got a DUI; shut down and became terribly depressed and later lost my job! All because of Co-Dependency!

I moved from the area soon after losing my job and tried to once again run away from my past and start a new future. I felt ashamed, felt like a complete and total failure. The next few years would be filled with more failure, more disappointments, and more job loss and economic hardship. On the outside I felt that Penelope had ruined my life! That this friend who I adored just completely threw me out like I was nothing, to me she confirmed what I have always thought since childhood – that I am unlovable and nobody wants me in their life for very long. I did not stop to analyze my role in everything. To me, I thought I was the perfect friend.

I resolved to the fact that this friendship is just like all the others and proceeded to find my footing and get my life back. I did find other jobs and I did meet new people and acquire a few friends along the way, but the failure of Penelope would come to mind often. It was my one true regret with a friendship. This person truly was a special person and friendships like that don’t come around very often. I was angry at myself for destroying it and I missed my friend. I still had no idea that the culprit to all my pain was Co-Dependency. I just believed that there was something wrong with me and set out to change who I was. After a few years I did change and learned to recognize my mistakes but I just hadn’t tackled the one thing in my life that damaged it so tragically. It would take two more years for my eyes to be enlightened to the “Demon” that always followed me and around and tons more pain.  

Please continue with me for parts IV and V as the ending is not what you expect and out of my experiences the emergence of my memoir “Shards of Glass.” 

“Friendship is unnecessary, like Philosophy, like Art. It has no survival value; 
Rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.” – C. S. Lewis

Abuse Author: “Shards of Glass” https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore

Addictions and Childhood Abuse: Codependency and my Life (Part II)

I received several responses from folks eager to hear what specifically I struggled with and how I am coping and continue to overcome my nemesis – Co-Dependency. I had every intention on sharing openly with everyone I was just laying the ground-work for those more unfamiliar with the term.

I can honestly say that I was introduced to this term over 13 years ago while in therapy. I moved there because of my Aunt who I struggled with constantly never realizing that this was what I was facing. While talking one day about the many problems I faced in relating to others the therapist first used the term to describe the problem. Of course at the time I had no idea what she was talking about. All I thought was, 

“Great, another issue I now have to face! Will the trauma from childhood ever end!?”

I remember her giving me a book called “Facing Co-Dependency” by Pia Melody in 2003, it was the year of her release. I really was reluctant and actually stubborn about learning anything about it. After a few sessions I did manage to read some of the book and quickly dismissed it as something I did not struggled with. Either I just was blind about my habits or wasn’t ready to accept the fact that this term “Co-Dependency” was the very culprit, the root of ALL my problems in every major relationship/friendship I ever formed. 

I wish my eyes would have been open and that I was ready back then. I have been in torment for the past 11 years facing the tragedy of my brother’s death; the relocating over 1500 miles; new obstacles; new failed friendships; and failure with my career. I did however; manage to write my personal memoir on Childhood abuse through it all. But as of late I have lost my job again, and lost a significant friendship in my life. I have been forced to my knees countless times praying and praying out of desperation and despair for direction, enlightenment, healing, finances, reconciliation – you name it! This all could have been avoided if only I had embraced the book and recognized the illness that was in my life back then.

In pain and grief I did much soul searching to find meaning to my losses and the state of my life. One day while looking at my bookshelf a book jumped out at me. This book has stayed unopened and unread for many years… unfortunately. BUT that day, I pulled it off the shelf, dusted the cover off and sat down at my desk to muse over it. That book was an illuminating torch searing my very soul. It was the LIGHT, the REASON, the ROOT as to why I always lose the people I love and the Jobs I love working at. That book was the very book my therapist gave to me 11 years earlier. I wish I would have read its pages then because in that course of time I have lost my relationship with my aunt, lost 3 very good jobs and lost a very significant friendship with one of the ladies from my book, one who is mentioned in my acknowledgements. This friend who I adored and helped me with the greatest accomplishment I have done thus far was now gone! 

This friend and I have known each other 9 years. We started off as great friends and it was an immediate void that filled my lonely heart. It was not in a sexual way, as I am completely heterosexual, but in an emotional way. She showed me friendship, love and compassion those things I was in desperate need of. We had deep, meaningful talks about everything and her youthfulness and honesty were addicting to be around. At the time, I tried too hard and wanted too much from her. She is the mother of two young girls and at that time in our life we both worked for the same Company, she was married and I was still coping from my brother’s death a year and a half earlier. Our friendship grew but it also became very strained and unhealthy quick. Just like all the others that ever mattered to me! Soon afterwards the friendship dissolved. It was very painful for me. However, I did bounce back and move on, moving out of the area. I was not co-dependent with her then, but I was well on my way and neither her nor I, had any idea about the “Monster” I was fighting!

I refer to this “Monster” in my book “Shards of Glass” the chapter entitled: “Monster’s in my Closet.” At the age of 5, I knew of this “Monster!” And even when I was writing my memoir, This “Monster” still haunted me. It would take me 40 more years of battling, heartbreak and loss to come to an understanding and realization of my Demon and how it was destroying my life! It would take me almost taking my life before The Lord shined down and enlightened me on what that “Monster” truly was – the “Monster of Co-Dependency!”

But in order to understand where I am currently in my recovery and healing, I must first focus in on, where it started and how it manifested itself so unhealthily for years not just with this current friendship.

Through counseling and group therapy I have since learned what the root of the condition is for me. It may not be the same for others who suffer from Co-Dependency but it is a by-product of dysfunctional families. For me, my interpersonal relationships, the Co-dependent behavior I exhibit was learned by watching and imitating other family members. Co-Dependency is usually rooted in a person’s childhood and the treatment for me involved exploring mine and the deep seeded roots. Co-Dependency is an addiction! It is an addiction to people or relationships and it is a silent killer. It almost killed me!

In digging deep into the past I realized that although my father was the abuser, my mother played a significant role as well in shaping me for a Co-Dependent lifestyle. She fought and protected me every way she could from my father’s violent and drunken rampages but the one thing I did not receive from her was affection and love. The kind of affection and love where your mom holds you in her arms for what seems like an eternity and gently consoles and comforts you. A place where you feel warm and safe, loved unconditionally. I was never loved conditionally or unconditionally by my father. So there was a void there and with my mom fighting for her life and ours, she had nothing to give us in the way of nurturing. Yes, she made sure we were fed, had nice clothes and took a bath. But I needed more!! So very much more; more comfort, more love, more affection, more security, more affirmation and it never came. It is not my mom’s fault but rather the fault of the dysfunctional-ism that ran rampant in our family. 

I am a kid who learned to heal my own pain. Maybe not in a functional/healthy way, but I had to learn how to “Self-Soothe” myself and find ways to get my needs met anyway or through anyone I could. I had no one to teach me healthy relating and interactions. My interactions were filled with screaming, violence, pain, fear and misery. I learned to relate and interact trying desperately to have my needs met as a 5 year old, entering kindergarten. What I learned in those early years, those patterns of unhealthy relating and finding my worth and care in others, carried with me all throughout my life. In many ways I relate as an ADULT to adults the same way an emotionally abused and deprived 5 year old does and those methods of relating are not socially accepted and are certainly not understood by anyone.

I was placed in situations where there was tragedy and trauma, dealing with situations and emotions far beyond my ability to comprehend. I was molded for co-dependency before I was five by being expected and counted on to do things my parents should have been doing. I would be responsible for watching my younger siblings, running errands, going grocery shopping, protecting my mom etc. Responsibilities well beyond my years of performing but I did! I developed an over developed sense of responsibility for my mom and my siblings that would later filter into my meaningful relationships and friendships. 

Suffering from Co-Dependency I would latch on to a particular person who represented something I did or desperately did not receive from my parents as a child. The friendship would start out great until I started to become Co-Dependent upon them and then unhealthy patterns of relating would set in. Unrealistic expectations and desperate tactics of manipulation, control, unrealistic giving and anger would soon overcome the friendship and it would come crashing down. I was then left with such a tremendous void! That horrible feeling of rejection and abandonment would come flooding in and then I would feel an emptiness and feeling of despair so overwhelming I was barely able to function. This would be a repeated pattern, over and over, causing so much additional pain and agony in my life. I would not seek out these people/friendships but they would just occur in my life and before I knew what was happening I would be in a vicious cycle of relating again.

I could not wait to move when I graduated from high school. I felt that many “ex-friends” of mine thought I was weird and totally insane. Because of this condemnation, shame and guilt I would move several times in my life to several different states to start over - to escape the past messes I left behind in relationships. I would first move to Virginia Beach, then after a failed job/friendships and loss to Ohio, (Where I first learned of Co-Dependency and when my brother was killed); and then to Florida; where I didn’t know anyone hoping and praying that the “Monster” would not follow but it did every time!

Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. 

Don’t worry there is more to this story and more in-depth sharing on how and why I even recognized this in my life.

“I am fighting this monster one day at a time and I encourage you to come with me on my journey.”

I will leave you with this from the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying on dying and pain:

“Whatever you do, don’t try and escape from your pain, but be with it. Because the attempt to escape from pain is what creates more pain.”

Abuse Author: “Shards of Glass” https://www.amazon.com/author/cwseymore